to get back to writing about all things I know, want to know, wish I didn't know and anything else that comes to my mind. I am now going to the coffee shop each morning before work so I should be able to post more. So much is on my mind, weighing me down and while most of the world really won't care much about my problems, they are very real for me and this is a place for me to let them out. It is also a place for my son to someday, if he chooses to, learn about his father. Right now, things seem to be going ok, but under the surface they are not. While Tammi is getting stronger, her mind is sinking farther down. She is tired of being confined to a bed. She is tired of the constant pain. I know she does not want to live like this for 20 years, she just will not be able to take it for that long. And what kind of life can a person have if each day, all day, they are in constant pain? Most of us have no idea what it is like to suffer constant pain so severe that all they care about is taking enough medication so that they sleep all the time. I feel that the only thing I can truly do to help her is love her, support her, and remind her that she needs to keep fighting because she has people that love her. Of course, it would help a lot if her daughter would call her at least once a week. We sent her a phone card and money and yet she still has not made that phone call. How can she treat her mother this way? Granted, my daughter is so far from perfect, but she has really learned her lessons and she writes Tammi, tells her not to give up, that she needs her in her life. She wants to be the daughter to Tammi that she was not able to be to her own mother due to her mother's absence from her life. I hurt so bad for so many reasons but I think this treatment towards Tammi by her daughter is causing the most pain because when Tammi is gone, and she will be sooner rather than later, Laura is going to realize what she missed out on by being a selfish chickenshit and not spending more time with her mother. Seems that being a dopehead is more important. I don't like speaking like this about her but you know, it is what it is. After being caught with intent to sell, getting probation you would have thought she would straighten out. But then she gets kicked out of her grandmothers house because she had weed in it. Finally gets her life going, has a nice little job, a car, a home and what does she do? Gets herself fired because "she couldn't wake up". For 3 days! Her shame should not be because she still does drugs and got herself fired, it should be because she has blown her mother off. And yet she can claim that she needs the drugs "to cope because her mother is sick and dying"! How dare she use her mother's condition as an excuse to smoke pot! Pissses me off.
Am I a leach because I come to the library just to use their wireless internet? I enjoy the quiet atmosphere, it is conveniently located on my way to the nursing home and it is fast ("g" standard). I have the same things with the coffee shop but here I do not have to buy anything and there is always a good seat available. The only difference is the hours (the library closes at 9pm) but then I won't be out late nor will I stay long. Just enough time to check my email, read an article or two, and upload a post. What else do I need?
Never enough time to get done what needs doing. That is where I am at right now. Always on the go. Not much has changed except my realization at the terror I feel. Each time Tam hurts or has discomfort I fear it is the start of something that will ultimately claim her life. It will, just when is what I do not know. Could be next week or 15 years from now. Could happen to me but it is not the same when you are reasonably healthy and have expectations of living to an old age. I have started an ab and lower back routine each day because I need to strengthen my body in order to take better care of her. Some encouraging news is she told me she sat in this recliner/wheelchair device they have at the home and she said is was so comfortable that she could probably sit in it all day. I am taking that as a good sign that she will be able to comfortably sit in a recliner at home. I will spare no expense in that regard because I want to be able sit by her. Watch movies and television shows. Just be with her. I get a few hours a day at most and she sends me home because she is tired and going to sleep. Time, never enough to get done what needs doing and never enough to share with the one you love.