11.15.2004
Just another day...
Not much to report in Pauliemac' World today. S left work sick today so I had to cover for her as well as do my job. There are those of us at work that feel a change is going to be made soon, either by management or by those that are the subject of these meetings. K and I are stretched so thin with so much to do. I can use extra money by working alot of overtime but I just don't want to work that much. I burned out once before and neglected my daughter, I don't want to do it again. Things are going so well right not I just don't want to disrupt anything. That doesn't mean I can't deal with anything that does come my way, I just don't need to add to any possibilities.
Jess talked to her Mother the other night. I told Jess it was ok for her to see her mother when she passes through town, I have never kept her from seeing her unless her mother was in a "bad" way. But I did not want to see her. Later Jess told me her mother told her she didn't care what I said, she was going to stay here (in my apt) and if I didn't like it I could go stay with my parents! Can you believe the nerve! Another person trying to tell me what I can and can't do in my own home. That is another reason I feel it is in my best interest to stay out of relationships. I don't know why my actions always backfire on me but they do. One cliche you could call it is risk management, whereby I reduce or limit the amount of risk to my well being. If Jess's mother wants to be in her life and visit her, that is fine and I encourage it, but not with me involved other than to take her and drop her off for said visits. I am done with trying to please people only to have it blow up in my face. I risk being alone and alienating people from me, and I understand that possiblilty, but I just can longer put my faith and trust in people only to be disappointed once again. I can no longer take a person at their word only for them to show me their word is worthless. Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice shame on me. I do believe God will carry me through this period of my life and someday my faith in other people will be restored, but not at this time. The past 8 years is too fresh, I need some healing time alone before I can trust again.
On a lighter note I have found the home theater system I want for Christmas. It is at Circuit City and I can't wait to get it! I have only watched a couple of movies since I returned from South Dakota as it is very uncomfortable in Dad's den and I just don't have the desire to go to a theater anymore. As soon as I get it I will rejoin Netflix. I am also going to build a vast library of DVD's. I don't know what changed in me, but as I used to never cared to watch a movie twice, I have grown to want my own library. If I have 200-300 movies, I can watch a different one each week and not watch the same one twice for 4 or 5 years. Walmart has this bin full of videos they sell for $1 each. Old movies from the 30's, 40's, and 50's. I will just grab 2 or 3 each week and watch them. I can't explain the difference but so much about me has changed. The music I listen to, how I do things and talk to people. It is as if I am a different person in many ways. And yet, there are some things that are the same. I still fart all the time! Mostly because I eat alot of beans. They are cheap and filling! Ok, time for bed, will update tomorrow if there is anything worth updating about.
11.13.2004
Interesting end to an interesting week...
Well well well....heard from thre women that I had not heard from in a long time this past week. Last night I received a message that Jess's mother was trying to contact Jess concerning her brother. When Jess happened to call me from her retreat because she was bored I gave her the message and the phone number. She was happy to get to speak with her but sad as to what she found out. Her brother has gotten himself into some trouble. But Jess sounded much better today. I went to work for three hours then spent the rest of the day hanging out with my parents. Did the lunch thing and then just wandered from store to store. But I did find a garage sale near their house on my way over there and found some wonderful treasures. I found a small but interesting nightstand and then something that I just had to have. It is a makeup table made out of cherry wood complete with a small swiveling mirror. Upon taking it to my parents house I discovered it would come apart so I dismantled it for the trip home. I have been spending the evening cleaning and polishing it. Along one side the wood had been stripped away so I purchased some craft paint and painted over the bare wood. It came out surprisingly good. I told Jess I had a surprise for her when she called this afternoon. I know she will just love it. Tomorrow I will post a pic of it for all to see as it is such a cool thing for a teenage girl to have.
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