"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
"We are not human beings having spiritual experiences - we are spiritual beings having human experiences." These may not be any great quotes or anything, but sometimes you just hear something that clicks and helps you see things in a different way, a better way. I have come to a belief about God and the ways He works. What I beleive is that God does have a plan for each one of us but that we have the ability to change that plan, that is why we have free will. I return to the story about the old man on the roof during the flood who did not get on any of the boats God had sent to him. Consequently he died and therefore God's plan for the man was changed or altered. We must keep our senses alert to recognize when God has answered a prayer or sent a message for us. I also believe that too much can be read into too many things. Last night after parking the van as per my usual routine I checked the mail and then removed my bags. I had my coffee cup hooked around my finger and as I shifted it I dropped it and it broke into many pieces. I picked them up and as I tossed them into the dumpster I wondered if this was some kind of omen about ending the year on a bad note. And sometimes a broken cup is just a broken cup. I decided if anything it was a metaphor for a new beginning as it happened on New Years Eve. So today I rearranged the apartment. I had planned to do that anyways because Mom and Dad had given Jess a computer for Christmas and I had bought a rug for the living room. I needed the rug to run the ethernet cord and the speaker wires for the surround sound system. But still, today is a representation of new hopes and possibilities. So tomorrow I will purchase a new cup and look toward a new year, a year where I will continue to build on what I have accomplished this past year. I have, since I was a young teenager, searched for companionship. It has ruled my life, the pursuit of a lasting relationship. After so much pain, both caused and recieved by me, I have finally figured it out. Just do what I do, be who I am, and somewheres a woman will see something in me that causes her to want to know me better. I am not of the beautiful or well to do set, so for a woman to want to get to know me better she will have to see me do something or say something that catches her interest. But that is fine because I think I would want someone to want me for me, not for how I look. I mean, I wouldn't turn it down if I had been created as one of the beautiful people, but I have also read alot about how many those people are so insecure because they have a hard time knowing if someone likes them for themselves. I am who I am and if I just be who I am it will work out fine. I feel fortunate to have loved and been loved. Three times in eight years I have been down that path and it was wonderful. Falling in love, giving yourself to someone, it is such a powerful and good thing. I have come to realize that maybe I won't ever have another love and I am ok with that. I am not saying I wouldn't want to experience that once again, but if it doesn't happen, fine. There are many things in life we get to experience once or twice and then never again and yet we cherish the experience we had instead of feeling sorry for the ones we never get. I got to be a parent from the moment of her birth all the way through to now and beyond. Because my son is almost 7 years old and I gave up his childhood, she is the only child I will ever have that I get to raise from the beginning. It is an experience I had and never will again but that is ok because I will cherish those memories for as long as I live. It is the same with my relationships. I have loved and been loved and I may never have that again but I will cherish what I did have. I have reached an age where I know I am on the downside but I also have a wisdom and discipline to make the rest of my life easier and enjoyable. I have much left to do in my life and it is about time I start doing it and stop waiting for someone to do it with. Sometimes we need to make the best of what life brings us instead of waiting for life to bring us the best.
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