Time...

Much time has passed, yet I feel the need to cry out for a bit. I returned to Texas, found a job, and am being promoted as of July 1. I have paid off a few bills and am very close to the remainder of my debt being paid off. Soon I will be moving into a place of my own once again. My daughter will be coming home within a few months. I have initiated contact with my ex so I might see my son. I have prayed to the Lord for many things, most of them being strength and guidence. I have attempted to move past her, with mini-trips and trying to meet a new woman, only to find I have no interest in the trips, they are lonely and remind me of her. I am not interested in another woman, everything leads me back to my feelings for her. My life is both moving foward and stuck in place. I am so grateful for so much I have been given, and yet I am unfulfilled. I have made some new friends, but miss my old ones. I came back to Texas because I felt I would not be able to make enough money quick enough to remain there, and yet I miss it so much. I have done and continue to do what she told me could not be done, and I am practicing what I have preached (in front of the Lord, at least) by being strong, as I hope she someday will have become. How could I ask for her to gain strength to deal with life if I was not willing to do the same? So I am standing up to the one person I had feared the most, and will be a part of my son's life. If I can do it, why cannot she? My anniversary came and went, and as I had expected, not a peep, yet I had hoped just as I continue to hope for that which I lack faith in. I HOPE for a renewal,yet I lack FAITH that it will happen. I am pleased at my progress in putting my life back together, yet I am sad because the one person that I wanted to spend my life with, the one person that in hindsight I really enjoyed being with day in and day out, through sickness and in health, till death was supposed to part us, is somewhere out there, and I am not a part of her life anymore. I don't know if she even knew what this past Wednesday was, and if she did think of it, what went through her mind? A passing thought, here and then gone? Or a day filled with sadness as mine was? I cling to a tiny flicker of hope because I have not recieved divorce papers yet, nor a little key to a storage shed far from me. Yet all I have is silence. May she find the happiness I could not provide to her, but I will forever feel we were perfect for each other. I have no interest in ever again giving my heart to someone for a couple of reasons, mostly because of my feelings for her, and the pain of it ending is too much to ever endure again. What I would do to see her again, to hear her voice say "I love you, Pauliemac" once more. I have saved all of the little messages she would leave on my computer, for they remind me that I was once loved as a person should be. Unconditionally, from the heart. I miss her. I still, after 8 months, ache for her and I know I will for a very long time.