"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." 2.9.04 10:00 am There is a blog I am following titled Our Cheating Culture. Last nights entry in it talked about how the students at Stuyvessant High School in New York City were cheating to get good grades. Now mind you this is not some inner city crime ridden, gang run school. This is the top performing high school in NYC. This is the school that Harvard and Princeton come to to fill a few precious slots and these kids are competing with each other for those spots. The students feel that if they don't cheat, they will get beaten by the ones that do cheat for those few spots that are available. The post talks about the same thing going on in business, that those that don't want to cheat feel that if they don't they will be passed over for advancement and promotions by those that do. After reading all of this, I thought about it as it might apply to what is going on with my wife and myself. I would rather try and fail to win her heart back being honest, than cheat and win her back. What I mean by cheating, is playing games, telling promises just to get her back (as others did to her in her past, which is why I am paying a price now). I personally would rather lose her knowing I was honest than win her telling lies and being deceiptful. I am not stupid nor naive and I am fully aware that my time with her may very well be over, but because of her I am a better, more complete, and much more pleasant person. I have always felt life is very short and should be enjoyed and cherished, and as I move into a new stage of my life, I believe that more than ever. It is ironic (or is it more than coincidence?) that my birthday falls on the 4th of Feb. It was the 4th of the month that we last made love. It is ironic (or again is it?) that I went on my first picnic trip since I left on the 8th of the month, because it was the 8th of the month that she told me she no longer wanted to be married to me. These are dates that will forever be burned in my memory. The one date I would want to be burned in memory now would be the date I see her again, hold her again telling and hearing how we love each other. Will it happen? I certainly don't know. All I do know is to keep my faith, in God, that all will be as it was meant to be and in myself that I can react in a positive way to whatever does happen. If Tam decides, or has decided that a life with me is truly what she does not want in life, then that is what will be. I will take from this experience, move forward and continue to enjoy each and every day. If she someday, somewhere decides that what we shared was a valuable and wonderful thing, I will be ready for her. It is all about how we react, how we communicate, how we conduct ourselves, and the choices we make in relation to all of that is what will determine our ultimate fate in life, and beyond. Talking about honesty and truthfulness, I need to clarify some things in my life, things that I looked at and admitted to. Some time back, I told Tina that if she ever ended it with Tom, her and I should get together. I said that because I was hurting. I need to be honest with myself as well with others. I care alot about Tina, she is the mother of my daughter and she is my friend, my dear friend. But I am not IN LOVE with her. I will always "love" her, but not in a romantic way. The same goes for Bethany, once I loved her, or thought I did at the time. And I care about her, but again, that is because she is my friend. These are two people that I now hold as dear friends (my only friends, truth be known) that I can tell anything to, that I am there to support and be supported by, as friends do for each other. During this journey of self-discovery and growth, I have come to believe that it is very important to admit truths, the real truths about life. Let me tell of an example that happened this past weekend. Sunday morning my sister came home from her new job and stated that she had gotten a ticket in the nissan for an illegal state inspection sticker. Of course Dad got all mad at her. He was trying to blame her for the ticket because she didn't drive in the right lane of the road. The reality of the situation is it is his fault because he put the illegal sticker on his car and allowed us to drive it, knowing if we got stopped we would get a ticket. Because of his stubborness in refusing to beleive it needs a new carbeurator in order to pass a state emissions inspection, he went this route and put us in danger of a fine. Now it could be said the fault also lies with sister because of losing her last job she had no way of purchasing a car. but that is not the issue at the moment (although it does point out how we all have to take responsibility for our actions, as she put herself in a position to need his car). The current issue is he has spent the past several months trying to prove that the car will pass without a new carb, instead of just replacing it. And then he wants to get mad and say he does not have the money to replace it. Well, reorganize the priorities. Don't eat out, don't buy computer stuff. We all make our choices and it was his and mothers choice to do these other things. But don't blame the ticket on sister, when it was his choice to not fix the car like my techs told him it needed more than 2 years ago. Bad things happen when you put yourself in a position to let them happen. Sometimes they still happen, but you can minimize the risk. A rock climber, by definition, puts themselves in harms way, but they minimize risk by not using frayed ropes, by not taking chances using faulty equipment. I am sure there are those that wonder why I write what I write here. I have never been very good at truly expressing what I feel inside, how I hurt, or the joy I feel. I have found that writing here, and letting it out for the world to see, has allowed me to get whats inside, out. This is as much for me being able to express how I feel as it is for others to know how I feel. Keeping things inside has been a major contributor to my relationships failing, both me keeping things inside and the other person as well. If I have to write in a journal to be able to get things out, to be able to look at things and figure out the best way to respond to a situation, to find the answers I seek in my life, then that is what I am going to do. I write what I am feeling at the moment it is written so that I may get it out into the open, and when I have gathered my thoughts, then go back and see how those feelings made me react. Tonight I read an article about the guy formerly known as Vanilla Ice. At the very end of the article he was quoted as saying something I found very prophetic. "We are who we are because of who we were." This is so very true. Now for the bombshell. I was told tonight by a friend that Tam has cancer. Why couldn't she tell me? I should be with my wife, all along I have maintained that, but even more so now. I have gotten in touch with Beth her boss, or I should say her former boss as I found out she quit a couple of weeks ago. I do not get an anwer at the apartment number so I do not know what is going on. I wish she would call me, my wife should have her husband with her.