"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" just returned from spending the day wandering all over n. texas in the greenville/bonham area looking for cemetary sites of ancestors. had a great time with mom and dad. we made i to bonham, stopped at a cemetery, didnt find any kin but i took a number of photos of interesting headstones, mostly of angels. in bonham we stopped at the "dragon seed" a chinese buffet. they didn't have anything like the baby octopi i ate at super buffet the other day, but it was pretty good, and they had plenty of it! once we had over-filled out stomachs, we headed to an old fort (fort inglish), and while mother sat in the car, dad and i looked about. at dad's request i took photos of the signs on each building that explained where it came from and who was involved in its history. once we had left there, we proceded to a cemetery on the outskirts of bonham where we found the graves of some Titsworth's, although they are not of my direct ancestry. a gentleman that watched over the cemetery was kind enough to drive down and show us just where the headstones were. by the time we finished there, we were all getting tired, so we proceded on a leisurely path south to check out another cemetery. in this one is a man named clave titsworth, who is the man dad is named for (william clave titsworth-my dad). now we all were really beaten down so we headed home. once we reached greenville, i took over the driving until we reached the house. i knew it was going to be a special day because i found 3 pennies, all heads up! i know, just fun stuff, but still, it put me in the right frame of mind to have a good day! haha!
after we had gotten home, i was chatting with mom, dad, and sister about tam when i stated that she does not know what it means to truly be loved by someone, that she had never had someone that truly, unconditionally loved her. and as i said this, i stopped and just thought about it. i realized that is exactly what has happened. when 2 people have total, unconditional love for each other, anything can be overcome, anything can be negotiated and compromised on. but if you do not know what true unconditional love is, then how can you know you have it? just because i felt this from her, and i gave it to her does not mean she felt it back from me! the saying goes you don't miss what you never had and so she never really knew the depths of my feelings for her because she has never had a man truly, unconditionally love her. i know she told me she has moved on with her life and she says i should move on with mine, but what is moving on? why do i have to let go of my hope and my faith and my love? why can't i keep it? only the Lord knows what will happen in our future and we cannot predict what our fate is. i never thought i would talk bethany again, but yet i have. that is just an example of how you just never know what will happen or who will come into your life, or for that matter, who will come back into your life. if i choose to continue to love her, to show her what true, unconditional love is, that is my business and no one else's.
along the way today we passed a small state park located on the shores of a small lake, about the size of center or sylvan lake. it was beautiful. not as pretty as sylvan, but about the same as center lake. the park is located on the northern shore of the lake with a perfect shot of a setting sun to the west. i think i am going to make a trip up there within the next month or so and picnic there, waiting for the picture perfect sunset.
i know we sometimes mean what we say and say what we mean and other times we don't mean what we say and say what we mean, but i meant what i said, i would rather have one more day with her, loving her as we once did, than have 40 more years without her. i should be taking care of her now, sharing whatever time we would have left together. she tells me nothing about her cancer and i am so afraid that no matter how much i love her, there just won't be enough time left for her to finally realize what it means to truly be loved by someone. how can i grow old with her if she is sick and i can't help her? how can i share one more day with her if she keeps me shut out? i love her.