"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" yesterday was on of those days that is just a challenge to get through. i had so much to do, i am still playing cashier from 3-7pm and i was fighting a cold or allergy's. but i did it with grace and a smile, which left me feeling very good. I had told Kris that if I didn't feel better in the morning I wouldn't be in, but i do feel better this morning, although I am not 100%. woke up several times because of sinus congestion therefore my mouth was very dry from breathing through it. but i will make it. today is the last day I have to play cashier, Misty will be back tomorrow. the new file clerk started yesterday. saturday stacy was telling me about her. she said the only reason Bruce hired her was because she was hot. and she is pretty hot. not only that but she is foreign with olive skin (mediterranean?). of course she is too young for me and I am not looking for anything with anyone right now, but it is kinda neat to work with three hot young women, 2 of which have become my friends. talked with jess last night. she is hurting right now because her momma won't talk to her. seems tina has shut her out becasue she is mad at jess and i. jess is growing up and she really is beginning to figure out how other people are. she told me she is afraid of losing her momma if she comes to live with me. i told her she knows how her momma is, that she shuts people out when she is hurt or angry. i told jess she knows her momma is like this and that she just has to learn to deal with the best she can. she told me it isn't fair, it told her that is right. she also mentioned how i left out of her life. and i did, although i kept praying for her to grow up to the point where she could come and visit me. i think she is on the road to being that way. she said her momma being like this makes her want to go live with her just so she won't lose her momma. i told her she cannot make her decisions base on her momma being this way. that is her momma's choice to do this. make her decision based on what she wants and others have to live with their choices. i made a choice to move to rc, to give up my good paying job, my house, and my nice truck all so i could build a new life with tam. no one made me do these things. so just because tam was weak and ran away from our issues, i do not hold her responsible or blame her for my current situation. and someday, if i love another woman, i probably would do it again. because i believe in love, commitment. if i cannot love someone enough to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, then i don't love them enough to be with them in the first place. i have never been one for casual relationships, and even though i have changed so much about my attitude, that is something i don't think will ever change. i want to be with someone in a monogamous, one on one relationship. even if it is just dating and spending some quality time together, i don't want to compete with anyone else. by the 3rd date either we should know we want to be together exclusively, or we know we need to move on. i am not saying move in or marry by the 3rd date, just that we know we are not going to date anyone else. i read an article the other day about the guy that created the sitcom "the kelly's". it is loosely based on his life. he was raised in a stuffy family in conneticut, while he married a woman from the midwest that had a family that was fun and outgoing doing alot together. now i am not saying my family is stuffy, my point is that when i get with a woman, they don't seem to realize not only do i fall in love with them, but i get a new, bigger family that i also love. i love my parents to death, but when a woman runs away from our relationship, she also takes her family away from me, people that i have come to love dearly. like jess said, it isn't fair. i keep trying to help bruce out by finding a cheap desk for my office and he keeps insisting i get a $500 desk out of the catalog. so i guess i will get an expensive desk for my office. i am beginning the think i will not be able to move into an apartment in july as i had hoped. i will make a decision on or around may 1st. i will go to the apt's i have paid my app fee to and ask them if i can move in around sept 1st. i know i will not be able to keep the price they gave me for the apartment, i will just tell them i will take whatever is available in sept. i am going to have to spend some money on the buick and that will see me back on paying off my bills. it is running ok, but the "service engine soon" light is on. i need to have that fixed by next december so i can get another state inspection on it and i will not have any money then so i need to do it now. i hope the sun is out this weekend, i am looking forward to shooting some sunset pics using my new polarizing filter. it will make such a big difference on shots of the water and glass. got to go to work now........