Today, as per my usual day I was analyzing my life and what led me to be where I am right now. Today, I realized some truths about me and what makes me, me. I have come to the conclusion that, while I have been working on changing some things about me, there are some things about me that will never change, nor should they. But just as an alcoholic must avoid a bar, I must avoid putting myself in situations where those personality traits can create a tension. An example would be, I am a demanding person on some issues. I don't mean to be but I put an incredible amount of energy into my daily life. I started this when my daughter was six months old and I seperated from her mother. I had this tiny child that depended upon me for everything. I worked eleven hour days to provide for her. Spent most nights holding her as she was sick alot. Many nights I took her to the emergency room, not getting home until midnight or later. Rocking her in my rocking chair, cleaning up vomit from her bed. This took an immense amount of energy to do and I just stayed in this way of being. It never seemed to end. Then I bought my house and that required alot more energy, even thought Jess was older and able to take care of herself more than before. Now I had a large yard, bigger home, longer drive. So in short I have always had to be a hard charger to accomplish all that needed to be done. And I am still this way, I think I always will be. Maybe I am unrealistic, but I expect those around me to put as much energy into our lives together as I do. I have this belief that people should want to put as much energy into me as I do them. I now understand this is not a realistic way of thinking. If I had to do things over again, I would withhold my thoughts and allow the person I was with to handle their issues their way. I had tried to be a role model for someone that had not had a very good father figure role model and it backfired. I had expectations that someone would stand up for me and because something was important to me it would be important to them. I was let down by this expectation. I have come to the conclusion that I have to accept them for who they are along with their limitations if I want to be with them. If I cannot accept this, then I should not be with them. I think this is what I have been searching for this past year. It is ok to be me, but it is not ok for me to try to make someone else be me also. I wish I had learned this a long time ago. But I have time, God willing, to try again someday.
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