Dreams...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." They are so powerful. I am talking about the dreams you have when you sleep. I am trying so hard to put her behind me, but when I awoke this morning, I was dreaming of her. It was in a different apartment than the one we last shared, but I was opening the door to a bedroom and there she was, changing her clothes. I walked over to her and took her in my arms just as I used to do and kissed her and then I woke up. It felt so real, so real in fact that it brought back all the feelings I have for her. Just as I get messed up for awhile whenever I get an email from her, this has messed me up again. It has just reminded me of how much I love and miss her. Now I only hope that she awakes from a dream like that someday and it hits her that she does miss me and still loves me. As I took my shower today I thought about change, how she told me she could not see things changing and I realized it is because SHE does not want to change. I know in my heart that I am always willing to work out things, to compromise and figure out a new or different way of doing things. It saddened me when it hit me that it was not me, but her, that kept us from strengthening our relationship, that it was her that did not WANT to change. I have the desire and will to do whatever it would take to make my marriage work, but I just had not realized before that moment this morning that it was her that did not want to change. She had told me over and over how she would believe her ex-husband that he would change until she finally gave up and figured it out that he was not going to change. But now it is her that is not willing to change to save a marriage. Marriage is a two-way street and until she realizes that it takes both to compromise and make it work, she will have failed marriages, just as I will until I find that certain person that is willing to do that also. I cannot understand how people can take their vows so casually. I think they should mean something if you say them, then stand behind them. Why couldn't she try half as hard with me as she did with her ex? I mean, I lost 5 months of doing things with her because of her hurt leg, so I just took care of her as best as I could. Yet now when I have a physical problem, I have no one to take care of me. It isn't fair at all. Just when she gets healed up and we can do things again, I get the short end of the stick. Not fair.