"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Saturday, January 31, 2004 3:05 PM Have you ever wanted something so bad you could just taste it? Remember when you were a kid and Christmas was coming up or your birthday and you wanted that new bike and your Dad just kept telling you not to count on it? But you just knew you were going to get it, you were so positive, but yet, in the back of your mind there was a little doubt? What if he is telling the truth and you are not going to get it? That is how I feel right now. I want to continue my marriage to Tam so bad I can taste it, I can feel it. Yet, I hear nothing from her so I work to convince myself that it is over, but again there is that small doubt, that since I don't hear from her, that maybe, just maybe there is hope. But I don't dare have hope because to have hope only to be shot down would be too devastating. I continually run images of our day long garage sale adventure through my mind as it was one of the most wonderful days I have ever experienced. And then I run images of her in Ben Franklin, holding another man's hand, her kissing another man, making love to another man the way we did. Of course these are things I don't want to imagine, but I do in an attempt to numb myself to the hurt I still feel, to get used to the idea of not being with her. It is hard, very hard to accept these things and I truly hope they are not true, but who is to say. The thought of another man touching my wife hurts so bad, because he would be enjoying feelings and emotions that are supposed to belong to me, to me alone, things that I did get to experience once upon a time and that I dream of having again. Every time I think I have moved past her, I realize I am not even close to being past her. I am ablet to delude myself for awhile, but then my feelings for her come back, and not only do they come back but they come back stronger than ever before. I knew I loved Tam an incredible amount, but I have even surprised myself at how deep my feelings for her are. As I relive events from my life with her, things we did together and how we played together, I have truly convinced myself that there never can be another person for me, that no one could be as perfectly matched for me as Tam is/was.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Friday, January 30, 2004 12:53:10 PM Another lesson finally learned. Way back in 1988 I worked for a volkswagon dealership as a parts runner. I was there for about 6 months. goofed off alot, took Tina on my runs and eventually got fired. As I was being fired, the manager asked me what he could have done to avoid this situation. I told him he could have told me there was a problem. Now I understand it is my responsibility to take care of my own things, but still, we look to those in charge for guidence. I could have used a warning about the direction I was headed in. Same with Dawn, and now Tam. Instead of waiting until I was "fired" as a husband, could they not have spoken up and said something about how they were feeling? The lesson I have learned after all these years and of these "firings" is that, trust in no one to warn you. Pay attention to what is going around you. Ask questions (even though I did do this with Tam, always asking her if she was getting what she needed, but that is why I can hold my head high) and read between the lines, because people very rarely shoot straight with you. 3:10 PM I am so tired. I have made such a mess of my life over the last 20 years. I am just tired. I am tired of battling other people, battling myself. I am tired of fighting for things I feel are worth fighting for, only to be the only one to fight for them. I want to rest. I have no interest in a relationship with anyone right now, save for Tam and Jessica. Jessica can't seem to get the message, so there won't be much of a relationship there for a number of years and Tam has made it obvious that she does not want a relationship with me any longer so I just want to rest. I can't keep fighting for things I believe in when I seem to be the only one that believes in them. I am falling into a routine at work and at the house. It is a good thing. I have accepted that my life will never go as I wanted it to, but then again, it wasn't until I moved to RC that I actually made a plan for my life. I could see where we were going and how we were going to get there. I am tired of people not having faith in me and what I can accomplish. That includes my parents, my ex-wives and anyone else that has known me. I feel like Rodney Dangerfield because I just never get any respect. I guess I bring that upon myself, although I am not sure how. I always have tried my best but I now think that I have tried too hard. Anyways, something in my personality and/or nature has made people not respect me even when they new I was good at what I was doing. I do not plan on being a hermit, quite the contrary, I am puchasing an annual state park pass and will go places every weekend. But as for human contact, I don't want any. I get enough of that at work and at home. This will be my "healing" time, time to get my life organized the way I want it to be. No distractions. No fighting losing battles just to have a little happiness. I may not be happy, like I was with Tam, but I can be content, have some peace in my life. 6:25 PM For years and years, really since I was a teen, I have never been able to accept a compliment. I mean, when I was a junior in high school, there were 3 senior girls sitting on the floor in the band hall one day and as I was putting up my things, one of them told me I had a "nice butt" and when I gave a skeptical look, she said "no really you do". I have always felt that if someone was giving me a compliment, I asked myself, "what is it they really want?" And I have been that way all the way up until right now. I am learning how to accept a compliment. I guess that comes with confidence. With age has come wisdom, but also confidence. I know who I am, what I am capable of, and what my limitations are. And if feels good when someone tells me I do something well, or that I am nice. I will not let this go to my head, that would not be a wise thing to do, but it is nice to be recognized for my abilities and attitude. I only wish I had the one I love to share it with. Whenever I get dressed in the morning and I look in the mirror and think how nice I look with my tie or as today, with my sweater over my tie and shirt, I think to myself how Tam would say I look good or something to that effect, and then I have to quickly change my thoughts because of how much it hurts.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I just want to be normal!! I want to pay my bills, save a little money, play some, and be happy. Is this such a difficult thing to do? How come I can't seem to do it? I am trying very hard to learn to be "normal"

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Thursday, January 29, 2004 10:46 AM Numbers.... 215 days until September 1 (projected move in date to my own place) 96 days since I left RC 113 days since Tam told me she no longer wanted to be my wife 108 days to our 2nd anniversary (if we are still married by then) 6 days until my 39th birthday 42 days since I started work for Don Davis Nissan A lifetime to think about what could have been.... 3:37 PM I have been repeating to myself that she does not want to be with me, that what we had no longer means anything to her. Over and over, because I have to get myself used to this. I have to get past it and somehow accepting the fact that it is over, that no matter how bad I want it or how hard I work, it will not change. I will never figure it out, but maybe that is the point, some things were not meant to be figured out. They just have to be accepted and dealt with so we can move forward. That is what mother says about things, "just deal with it", and of course her favorite, "whatever!". I am dealing with it as best as I can and if that is what she wants, then my answer is "whatever!", because I have tried so hard. I guess that is the lesson I should learn, don't try so hard, but that is my nature, to try to do everything I can, the best way I can, for those around me. 4:38 PM Today I did something that I have been working on for 6 years. Instead of being hard-headed and thinking I knew the answer to a question one of my tech's asked me, I called the warranty call center and found the correct answer without having to guess. I do not have all the answers in life, I just know how to find them. By not being afraid to ask someone. There is a big difference between thinking you know all the answers and knowing you can FIND all the answers. I will apply this and keep trying to find the answer as to how I keep ending up in these situations. I want to know, because I am tired of being hurt by those that tell me theY love me, only to discover that they don't. If someone loves me, say so, if they don't, then don't tell me they do. Be sure of their feelings, because you know, they are playing with someone else's life when theY don't make sure, when they give up, walk away without a fight. I had prayed for God to bring me someone like Bethany, and I though He had when Tam came along, but it seems like in the end He brought me someone like Dawn instead. I am sure there are those out there that get tired of me saying she is comparing me to Alton, but if I am another Alton, can't she be another Dawn? I want the woman I met, not the one I left, is that too much to ask for? 5:23 PM Why do things have to be so difficult? How can people just "forget" or "change their minds" so quickly? If you tell someone you love them, and make love to them like you love them, then how can you tell them 4 days later you don't? Where is the justice and truth in that? Why must I keep going through these things? How can she not miss what we had together? How can she not see that what we shared, how we interacted and fit together isn't something to be taken lightly? Maybe it is just me thinking I was something special, that how I felt for her and how I cared for her isn't as big of a deal as I think it is? Maybe I am just fooling myself thinking that if I work hard and do the right thing for those I love, they will appreciate it? Obviously something I am doing is wrong, or I would not keep going through these things. I am more than ever of the belief that I am not "marriage" material. That I know how to do too much or that I try too hard, if there is such a thing. I am so confused. I try hard, I want to do the right things, I take how my partner feels into consideration, I read all the magazines, do all the things a good husband is supposed to do, and yet I end up alone. It is so screwed up, loving someone that does not love you in return. It is one thing to have a teenage crush on someone and they just don't feel the same way back, but love someone and to have been loved by them, that is weird. I had believed that if I got angry enough at her for doing this, then it would cover up the pain, but that just has not happened. Every time I start to feel anger, it goes away, because I am who I am, and I know how she is, so I support her and wait for her. Yet I hurt because I have not gotten anything to give me hope for us. I just stay faithful to her and to my beliefs and content in the knowledge that everything will work out for the best, no matter what comes to be. It is all I can do, even when I cannot see the results of my prayers and efforts.

Today's thoughts...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." 1.28.2004 10:55:58 AM "Do you forsake all others, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?.......have not changed my mind, and I no longer want the life we had".......words I keep repeating to myself because if I hear them enough, feel the pain caused by these words enough, I will eventually become numb to the pain. I am sorry she felt/feels this way because I do want the life we had, more than ever, it was the kind of life I truly was enjoying. I have never been happier than when we would go feed the geese at the park, or roast chicken and potatoes at Sylvan Lake or breakfast at Mt. Rushmore. These are the things I want to do, this is the life I want to have. It was perfect. None of the issues about our girls were too big to not be overcome. I am sorry Tam, for whatever reason, could not understand or realize this. I am so hurt that she was not strong enough to stand up for us and what we had and were building together. I no longer wish to hurt over this matter. I have worked hard to understand my part in this and it hurts that she could not, would not, love me enough to do the same. To just give up, where is the peace in that. I think it will torment her for years to come, not because of what she had, but what she could have had. What we shared together is not as easy to come by as many people think. Life is short and fleeting, and to find your souldmate, your perfect partner, is not an easy thing to do. I do believe she made a mistake giving me up, and I have done my best to understand it, to support her in it. But she was wrong, I did support her, but I also know I did not show it very well. I have learned quite alot about myself and how others see me and I realize the things I need to work on to be better understood. I am so sorry Jessica threatened her, but I am so much more sorry that Tam did not see the support I did give her. My daughter has been committed because of her problems and when we were supposed to have family counseling, Tam did not take part in it. she was supposed to be as outspoken as the rest of us, but she wasn't. It is too bad she did not believe enough in me to not let her be in harms way. What it comes down to is, I chose my wife above all others, I followed my vows, and she did not. She ran away and that is the way it is and there is nothing I can do about it. I am strong, I have had to be, but Tam was not and I am not sure I want to be with someone that is not strong enough to stand up for me, to put me above all others as a spouse should be. I want to be married to someone that holds our union above all others, that will work and sweat for me as much as I will for them. I am passionate about my love for Tam but until she realizes that rule is the most important one in a marriage, a marriage is doomed. She said she was tired of hearing Laura this and Laura that, but did she ever take the time to truly ask me what my issues were? I can't remember anymore but I don't think so. I was allowed to stew. It should not have mattered. If I had a problem with something she should have stuck up for me, and then, behind closed doors we could have talked about it. I have no idea about Laura's attitude now, but Tam knows that Laura arrived in RC with a bad attitude. I talked with someone I work with yesterday, she has a 19 yr old stepson, and she had nearly the same issue as far as the bedroom mess goes. and she does the same thing I did, she told the parent (her husband) how she felt and left it up to him to handle it. Except he did handle it, and that is where I was left out, where I was 2nd place in Tam's life. If she was handling my complaints, she did not keep me informed as to what she was doing. that was a mistake. because if i am aware of what she is doing, I won't feel left out, feel unsupported. and second, whatever she was doing, wasn't working. I agree I could have handled alot of things differently and I wish I would have, but I still always put my wife first. I will not be married to someone and be 2nd in their lives. If she does not/ did not love me enough for me to be first, then I was not right for her. I guess because she put Alton 1st and he turned out to be a bad guy, she decided she would never do that again, but I am not Alton, and I do care and love her. I supported her with her diet, i cut the stuff up, told her to tell me what she could have and how much, cooked it for her, shopped for the right things for her. i just was a little too emotional in my disagreement about how much they were allowing her to eat. I have learned through my experience of being here with mom and dad that many times things i say that i feel are coming out in a joking, or just a statement way, in fact come out sounding very sarcastic. I have learned to listen to myself. mom and i have started pointing out things we say to each other and how we really sound vs. what we are actually saying. it has been very enlightening for me, because for years i could not understand why people took things the wrong way. now i did learn alot from the counseling after my marriage to dawn, but it was not enough, i have learned so much more. i had learned how to go slow, pick my words carefully, but with those around me, those i loved, i did not do that. i assumed they just knew the meaning of what i was saying because they knew me. i was wrong. if someone can't love me enough to work things out with me, love me enough to want what we had shared together, to continue building the life we were building, then i don't want to be with them either. life is a journey, and not an easy one at that. it takes work and dedication, something that i understand and others apparently do not. i want tam to get pissed off, at me, at laura, at jessica, at anyone and everyone that she needs to be pissed off at to get her to understand all of this. she told me she felt like she had wasted 2 years of my life. well, i agree she did that if she knew she could not put me first in her life. but i also believe all things happen for a reason and i have no regrets about being with her or moving to RC. I liked who I was and I like who I have become even more, so it was not wasted, at least not for me. and maybe someday she will realize just how good we had it and she too will realize it was not a wasted time. I want the life I had with her, and i want it back. i want to be her husband and i want to be 1st in her life. it is easy to understand, because when we die, who are we buried next to? not our children or our parents, but our spouses, the ones we built a life with. i wanted to rest for eternity next to tam. but we don't always get what we want in life, do we? all i want now is peace of mind, that i have done my best, that i have done the right things, and i will let fate take care of the rest. i need some guidance right now, because she does not communicate with me, i don't know whether to just let go and give up or to hang on and keep hoping for that which may never come. i don't want to put limitations on her or me, but i don't want to hurt anymore. I want the life i had, and I want it with Tammi, but if that is not my fate, I will have the life anyways somehow, someway. I just want someone that is strong enough to love me enough to put me first and foremost, to forsake all others, in sickness and in health, till death us do part. Otherwise, I would rather just enjoy life alone, without the pain of losing someone I love so dearly, as I love Tammi. 4:19:28 PM I read the following passage on a poster here at work today and it really hit home. Confidence: It's the path to peace of mind I know in my heart I have done all I can do. I am confident of that fact and I am beginning to have peace of mind about all of this. I know what my part has been in all of this and I have done my part. I can go on with peace of mind because of this confidence. 9:30 pm On my way home tonight I decided how, in a nutshell, I truly feel about the whole situation. I summed it like this: Tammi did not put me first, above all others, as I felt I did with her. Others may disagree, but this is how I feel. I do not want to be with someone that does not put me first, because that is no way to have a marriage. I love her and she will be missed more than I can ever put into words, but if she did/does not love me enough for me to be number one, then this is the right thing for her to do. It just hurts because I thought I was number one.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." January 27, 2004 12:26:30 PM "There are periods when the principles of experience need to be modified, when hope and trust and instinct claim a share with prudence in the guidance of affairs, when, in truth, to dare is the highest wisdom." - William Ellery Channing, American clergyman (1780-1842). I cannot help it but hope for the kind ending I dream about, that if I trust in my instinct it will help guide the affairs of my life, so that she will dare to love me once again. 03:16:12 PM I am a very confused person. The harder I try to do the right thing, to help those around me, the more I get hurt and my intentions are taken wrongly. As hard as it is for me, I must stop trying to please those around me because it just gets me deeper and deeper into trouble. Sunday, I wanted to pull everything out from the living room window, clean and vacuum, and then put the table back and better organize the remainder items. Mom and I went to Walmart and purchased 2 tubs each to organize things. Dad through a fit, why am I trying to change how they do things? Heck, I wasn't changing anything, all I wanted to do was help clean their house and make things better for them. I am working as hard as I can to be invisible there, to not affect how they live their lives. But sometimes they still get cranky and I have no choice but to take it and deal with it. I have no place to go right now, so that is what I do. Oh well, I am building character, something I need as much of as I can get, or so it seems. On a different note, Bethany is dealing with her boyfriend. He still goes without calling her or making definate plans on seeing her. She does not want to be "hidden" from his ex anymore and I do not blame her. If he cannot give her the time and consideration she needs right now, maybe they just need to back off until he can. I never want to have that kind of relationship, it isn't right or fair. I tell her how Tam and I both got cell phones so we could talk to each other because we worked so much we never got see each other. I miss those days, because no matter what, we somehow made time to be with each other, to stay "connected". If the guy really is serious about her, he will call her, he has a cell phone. And he will get his things out of the ex's place so he does not have to hide Bethany anymore. Not a very good way to start a relationship. In the next 2-3 weeks I am going to attempt to purchase an annual pass to the Texas State Parks so I will be ready to go on my weekly picnics. I think it will be very good for me to just sit at a picnic table and watch what is going on around me, walk around and take some pics and just relax in the outdoors. There are literally hundreds of state parks within a 1-3 hours drive from here, so there will be no shortage of places for me to visit over the next few years. I have a feeling that some weekends I will just go to Joe Pool Lake and relax for a few hours, but I also want to go to parks I have never been too, especially in East Texas where there will be an abunndance of animal and plant life. These past 3+ months have been a real struggle, but I am glad I have gone through this. I have improved my character and personality. I have no regrets about moving to RC because without having done that, I would not be who I am at this moment. I will continue to work on my feelings towards Tam. I love her, always will, but it is hard to let go. Since the last I heard from her was she no longer wanted the life we had, I have no choice but to believe that is still how she feels. I am sure she would let me know if her feelings had changed. We just never know who or what will shape us into the people we are, but I am fortunate to have known her and become who I am. I will always be grateful for what she has taught me, it is just too bad that she does not want to share in it. "To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead." - Bertrand Russell, British philosopher (1872-1970). I had to put this in, it is a good quote and it is how I too feel, I do not fear my love for Tam, even if it does mean spending my remaining lifetime without her, because I have learned so much having and continueing to love her. Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember." - Oscar Levant, pianist-composer-actor (1906-1972). If this is true, I would have to say I am happy, because I remember what it was like to be with Tam, and it was something wonderful.

This applies to love and relationships also...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience. Take the experience first; the cash will come later."

Today...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." was a pretty good day. went downtown to get a copy of my divorce decree (marriage to dawn) and because i was downtown, to walk around and shoot pics (yahoo-photos). it was really cool, i used all of my little "toys". at the court house i used my pda to look up my case number, carried my stuff in the backpack mom & dad had given me for christmas, listened to the cd player they bought me in november and shot over 100 pictures with my camera. and everything worked just as i had imagined it. oh, and i kept warm wearing my new light-weight parka. i shot alot of pics of the old red courthouse, the bankofamerica tower, and of dealey plaza where kennedy was shot. all in all i had a great time. on the south side of the bank of america tower was a red sculpture. none of the pictures have been edited so they are not the best of shots. but for a beginning into this life, they will do. I have come to the conclusion that with bills to pay off, child support to get straightened out, and rent to save for, I will be shooting for a September 1st date to move into my own place. This also means I will not be able to return to RC for a couple of years to get my things. Way it goes. I will save $50 a month and pay $50 a month for the storage unit up there. $50 a month x 24 months will equal $1200, which is what I will need to get up there and get the stuff. Time will pass quickly. Yesterday was the 25th, which means it has been exactly 3 months since I left RC on that miserable bus ride. 3 months to think about what went right and what went wrong. 3 months to cry, to hope, to rise from the ashes of broken dreams with new hopes and dreams about what I want and where I want to go. 3 months to grow strong, to find myself, to renew my faith in God, in myself, and in the human spirit. I have survived this and am a better, more complete man for it. Whatever the reason God had for me to go through this, it has been for a good reason. I have a new closeness with my parents, I no longer dislike Shania Twain or her music (I have grown up) and I am content with my work, my friends, and my life. Living here at my parents place is a struggle, but then when is life not a struggle? When is there not challenges that have to be met and dealt with, instead of running from them? Everyday there are challenges to overcome, choices to be made, problems turned into opportunities. I will miss the life I once had, but I embrace the life that is yet to come my way, each and every day.

This is good....

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." "Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be." And this one is pretty good too... "Remember where you have been and know where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way."

The Butterfly Effect...

"the chaos-theory supposition that a butterfly flapping wings on one part of the globe might trigger a hurricane on another. " Earlier I had wrote about somehow affecting anothe person and that in turn would lead them to to something great or lead them to affect another and they would do something great. I did not have a name for this, but after reading a review of the Ashotn Kutcher movie "The Butterfly Effect", that is precisely the name of the theory for what I was talking about. Now we all are part of this as a whole, but not everyone has an effect that will lead to something good, or so it seems, because some things lead to tragedies, but quite possibly in the end, when time does stop, all of the so-called "tragedies" will lead to a wonderful event, a higher level of existence. Who knows? But if all of us that have good minds and hearts keep the faith that all things that happen will lead to a good ending, then it will happen that way. It comes down to the age old battle of good vs. evil. As long as those of us that believe good will win stay in the majority, good will triumph over evil. It is the masses, not an individual, that controls destiny, but it is the individual that leads the masses. David Koresh did not stand against the ATF agents by himself, but he led the masses that did. President Bush does not fight the forces against us in Iraq, but he leads the masses that do. Strategy is what wins battles, mental and physical ones, but it is human emotion that controls the masses to act.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Thursday, January 22, 2004 10:47:13 AM providers vs. nurturers. this has been a philosophy discussed since the time of adam and eve. the roles of the two sexes in the boundaries of a relationship and family. and i tend to agree with this assesment. i am a provider. when i was married to tina, i provided the means for a place to live and food on the table. and i thought that was enougha and what i was supposed to do. but i didnt really provide much in the way of nurturing support for tina. when it was just jess and me, i provided a home and food on the table again for my daughter. but even though i was involved in her school and extra-curricular activities, i was not much of a nurturer again. with dawn, we both had been the providers for a long time for our children and therefore when it came to the providing role, we butted heads and things just did not work out. same with bethany and i, we both wanted the same roles. and i find myself once again being the provider with tam. i figured this all out recently when i was daydreaming about her and i rebuilding our marriage and i discovered that all the things i was thinking about had to do with where we would live, how we would go about finding places to live,etc. and i realized i was "providing" for us. i am a very sensitive and caring person, but i now believe i just don't know how to be a "nurturing" person, something i need and want to learn to be better at so i can better communicate with those around me. 3:33:48 PM bethany asked me last night how does a person know when a relationship is over, how do you know when to just give up and stop trying. i told her i don't know, just somehow at some point your mind shifts from wanting the relationship in the present to accepting it as part of your past. for me that occurred with dawn when in jan of 1998 i wrote her a letter asking her one last time to reconsider what she was doing and attempt to fix our marriage. i never received an answer so a few weeks after sending the letter something just clicked in my mind and i knew it was over, that i no longer wanted a relationship with her. i had worked so hard to do what she had asked so we could work out our marriage and she still did not want it. it was her loss i feel as i became a better person and i had so much love to give her. although i have not reached that point yet as i still have hope, i do feel that tam is passing on a wonderful thing also. i dont know, maybe she is happier than she has ever been before in her life and if so, i am happy for her. but at some point she has to realize all the joy we had together, going to garage sales and picnics, etc. all the times she told me how she had a such a good day with me. all the times she hugged me and smiled at me when she saw me. those sort of feelings just dont go away, unless she truly never felt them in the first place and i don't buy that one bit. but if she can't see what kind of man i truly am after all that has happened, how i have worked so hard to learn things that i needed to know and how to better get along with others, how to communicate in a much more positive way and i am still here, supporting her because of the depth of my love for her, then maybe she does not deserve me. how can she love me the way she did, make love to me the way she did and not still feel something for me. i can accept her needing some time alone, i can relate to that and i support her in that, but at the end of that time, how can she not decide we were good together, that what we had is worth fighting for. i know the fight was gone in her because of the drain alton put on her, that is why i can support and give her the time she needs right now, but at what point is she "recharged" and ready to continue our marriage? how can she not want to continue our marriage after all the joy we had together? if tam finds someone she is happier with than me, more power to her, but what i do beleive is she will not find someone that works harder to make her happy than i do. and it is wrong to believe that you should NOT have to work at happiness. a successful relationship doesn't just "happen" it is earned and worked for. and in my book a successful relationship means you are happy. just because i was happy with tam does not mean i did not need to continue to work harder for myself as a person and for us as a couple. i continue that work because somehow, some way, i will be rewarded for it, but at this time i just don't know how i will be rewarded. it is said no good deed goes unrewarded, so i will continue to work, to learn, to grow, to do what was said could not be done. i am not only caring and sensitive, but i am also very stubborn and dont quit or give up very easy. i just hope at some point she will remember all these and the other qualities that caused her to fall in love with me.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." 1.21.2004 3:32:05 PM I thought today was starting out good, that is until i go to work and i was reminded i was supposed to attend orientation today at the ford store. so i missed it. i am not sure if bruce was serious or not but he said he was going to take an ass chewing over it and that some people have been let go for missing it. i called the woman that handles the scheduling of the class and she told me to just go to next months class. i will most assuredly be at that class. i went to the park today at lunch and shot alot of pics. the weather is nice today, not much breeze, cool temperatures and clear skies. had a really good time and really can't wait to see them on the puter. i will have to wait, mother said she will be on her puter all evening. tomorrow morning i will have some time to look at them. not much else going on, work is slow this week, of course it is tax time. 4:55:13 PM told bruce yesterday about having the old laptop computer from bankston. he didn't care that i had it. i know he had something against those that had been istrumental in getting it for the girl that i took over for. i wish i had it now. but not as much as i wish i had my wife back. 6:15:02 PM 7 years. that is how long it will be come next month since i met dawn and my life has been a struggle like i never could have imagined it would be. 3 failed relationships. 2 children that i never get to see. i can only hope that there is something to the old fable about 7 years bad luck and that my 7 years is coming to an end. i love my wife and my children, and that includes my step-children because for better or worse, i have affected their lives too. what i want now is some peace. i want to rebuild my marriage to tam. i want to support my daughter and get to know my son. i want to support my wife while she helps her daughter is whatever she needs. i want to take care of my parents and my in-laws as much and as best as i can. is this all too much to ask? too much to hope for? i certainly hope not.

This is me...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." The real winners in life are the people who look at every situation with an expectation that they can make it work or make it better." Because I try...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." 1.20.2004 4:54:12 PM i have written it here many times over the past few months about how i wish tam had done this or that different, how we should have communicated better, blah blah blah. and that is just what it was, alot of talk. i have discovered through much soul searching that for me and what i needed to learn, it had nothing at all to do with tam. for each of us it has to do with what we need to learn, what we could have done differnently, not what we think someone else should have done. knowing now what i wished i had known then, it would not have been about tam doing something differently, it would have been about me knowing how she is and me acting upon it differently. knowing she is the type to keep things inside, i should have used a better tact to get my point across. this is about me because all any of us can do is react to situations and how we react is what determines the outcome. the only place i can lay blame for my situation i am in is with me. it makes no difference what tam could or should have done differently the only thing that matters to me is how i could have done things differently. only tam can choose to do things differently for her. she could say to herself the same things i am saying to myself, but that is for her to do, not for me to expect her to do. we can only hold ourselves accountable for our actions and the consequences of those actions. i can only hope that someday i have the chance to discuss these things with her and that she will see that i am learning, that i am detemined to be the husband i can be. 5:26:46 PM monday's. they are so depressing because i have so much time to just think and wonder, to hope and to cry. i really believed once i was working and i got my camera i would not hurt so much. i would be going forward with my life,and doing things i enjoy. but it has been just the opposite. i hurt even more. i am moving forward, but without her. i am doing things, but without her. i feel her so close to me, tam is all around me. everywhere i go, she is there. when i am shopping for groceries at walmart, she is there. when i have lunch at the park, she is with me. i go to the thrift stores to look for ties to wear to work, and i see her across the store, just as i did in RC. i take this as a positive thing, it has shown me the true depth of my feelings for her. yet it hurts like i have never hurt before because of the depth of my love for her. i feel so helpless about everything and yet i know that if i keep trying, keep learning, keep my faith in her, in myself, and in GOD, somehow everything will work out. maybe it won't workout how i wish it to at this moment, but it will work out. but i do wish it to be with her. my time with tam has been the best time of my life and i am not ready or willing to let go of that yet. the only way i know to do this is to keep being her husband, to support her in her decision to be alone, to show her what it truly means to be a husband. alton had the silver tongue that talked her repeatedly into trying again. all i have is my strength of character and my faith that if you do good things, good things will happen. so that is what i do, i work, i take care of business and i keep being a faithful husband, father, and son to those around me.

Life's littel twists..

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Just never know how each day will end. I wake up each morning optimistic about the day and end each day glad I made it through the day. I stay positive about my life and future because to do anything else is to give in to the demons of depression. I know what I want out of the life I have left to live and pray that the people that mean the most to me will still be around to share it with me. They know who they are and I only hope the can feel me as I feel them around me. I love them.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Got an email back from Bethany last night. Her guy did come over and they had a nice evening together, watching tv and just getting to know each other. I am so happy for her. I think I am going to move up my timetable for getting my things. I have had enough of my mothers verbal abuse when she is tired in the evenings. you know, if my wife ever told me "fuck you" over some little bull shit thing, i wouldn't be hanging around. It just shows me once again what a great and wonderful thing Tam and I had together. I really think she couldn't see the proverbial forest for the trees. oh well, life goes on, and time never stops its relentless march. I love Mother, but if she does not have the maturity to know she is tired and she is being so disrespectful and hurtful to people, then she needs to grow up. If you are that tired, go to bed, whatever the hobby is, computers or beading or whatever, just is not worth it. I told Dad he is a better man than me, I would not tolerate that. It is just crap to have to listen to this night after night. I am very appreciative of them allowing me to stay here in my time of need, but as a fellow human, I just don't think a person should have to listen to that. Then sister got into it with her and it was just more hollering and screaming. I stay out of the way, and do my best to keep my mouth shut. Mom always is asking for my assistance on the computer but then she does not want to have the patience to listen and let me show her my way, at my speed. I understand alot about doing things a persons way and not my way, that there are many different ways to do things, that is not what I am saying here. If a person seeks out my help, then have the patience to allow me to show what and how I know, for that is all I can do. What makes it difficult is I have no "room" to hide in. Sister has her bedroom, Dad has the den, but I am stuck in the open. I am ok with it, and like I have said before I am glad I have been here to share time with them, to be with critter in his last days and to find myselft, to finally grow up, but it is getting time to move on. I will get enough money to get my notebook, get my things from RC, and get my dinky apt in arlington. Then I can just rest.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." 1.15.2004 12:15p.m. Patience and Character. I always new I was short on patience and I thought I was long on character. Some years ago I had one date with a woman that worked with Dad. She was pretty hot and I liked her, but she had alot of drama going on in her life that I just didn't need to be a part of so I did not pursue a second date. But the one thing that stuck with me about her and this didn't even come from the date itself but from her work relationship with Dad, she could not stand the phrase "builds character" because that is what her father always said growing up. But I like that phrase. Life is a series of tests and how we respond to those tests determines our character. I feel that I have improved my character as a result of the tests I have been put through lately. It is said that good things come to those that wait, meaning to the ones that have the patience to wait for the right situations. 1:05 p.m. The weather has just been unreal, kinda like my life these past few months! The daytime highs have ranged from the mid-60's to the mid-70's. It is certainly not winter-like here. I have been fighting this cold and sinus congestion for over 2 weeks and I am getting really tired of it about now. Also getting tired of my leg hurting. I guess I am going to have to take some of my money and go to a clinic and get it looked at. This has gone on long enough and I need for it to get better if I expect to do any bicycling or walking this year. I think this is about the last I will say about Tam, there really is not much more I can say about the whole situation. If she ever would like to give it a go again, all she has to do is call me, and I will come get her. As long as I work for Bruce, I cannot leave Texas, I gave him my word I would not leave if he hired me. If he leaves or she wants to come back to Texas, all I need is a couple days notice and I will catch a flight up there and bring her home. On a different note, I already got to use new camera for work related items. I brought it today just to show it to everyone and because one of the advisors had a car they wanted a picture of because of a possible issue. But that wasn't what happened. Just when I was calling Donny over to show it to him, he was telling someone that he had a vehicle that he needed to take a picture of because of a busted rear window. So he asked me to shoot a few pics of it and then email them to him when I get home tonight. Pretty cool deal, if you ask me. 3:52p.m. Went to the park for lunch as usual but was going to sit at a table and shoot pics while I ate lunch. Drizzling rain kept me in the car for a half hour. Finished eating by then so I got out and shot several pictures of the ball fields, just messing around. A few very fine drops of water got on the camera but nothing I feel worth worrying about. Kris was already back when I returned from lunch. It is raining now and work is slow, not much at all going on. They tell me it is supposed to rain all the way through Saturday, that means a slow ending to the week. I just hope it is nice on Sunday, cold is ok, just as long as it is clear otherwise I will try to find someplace indoors to shoot pictures. I am going to go ahead and purchase a notebook computer in the coming few weeks and get that out of the way. Then I will be all set to shoot, edit, and burn my photos. I am not going to turn in documentation on my child support until I have lawyer in place to help me get it to a more appropiate level so I can support myself on my own.

Today's Events...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." 1.14.2004 12:01 p.m. Just could not get back to sleep this morning so went ahead and got up right after mom and dad left. Right now I don't feel too tired, but this dang cold is kicking my but. I have been fighting it for 2 weeks and I am getting tired of it. Bethany called last night at 10:30 pm and we talked for 45 minutes or so. She and her guy are working it out and taking it slow. We most likely will not get together on Sunday, she is going out Saturday night with the girls, besides there is football to watch Sunday. She suggested we get together on Monday for breakfast again and I told her that would be fine. Monday's are still depressing for me so it will be fun to get out and do something for awhile. But I do need to get my chores done this weekend, I have been slacking off far too long on Dad's slacks. I will get some done tonight without fail. The new camera is awesome and I am looking forward to using it every chance I get. Even though I got the backpack for it, I think I will also purchase a small inexpensive camera case for it. 1:33 p.m. Kris has been going around to everyone at work giving this little test that determines some of a persons personality traits. It really is fairly accurate. I came out to be someone that has few friends but the ones I do have I am very loyal to and expect that loyalty in return. I am someone that takes a long time to recover when my loyalty is broken. And I agree with that. 4:25 p.m. Ok, I am done. Spent $60 last night on a 128mb memory card for my new camera and then today I spent another $54 on a 10 pack of nickel metal-hydride rechargeble batteries, a battery charger, and an adapter for the camera. I wanted to get a card reader, but that was $25 and with the adapter, I won't be using battery power when I upload to the pc or shoot indoors, so it will take the place of the card reader. Besides, it is probably best to wait until I have my own notebook and apartment before I worry about a card reader. But you know, get it while I can because it is hard to know what tomorrow will bring. Whatever it takes to be happy and content with life. Something is going on here at work. The dude that is 2nd in charge of the whole company is here going over pay plans with all the service and parts managers, some are worried that we may be having a change of management. I hope not. If I had wanted to start over again with a new manager, I would have stayed at Bankston a year and a half ago. Oh well, roll with the punches and get up running, that's what I am doing. Not much else happening right now, the day has been slow. 6:40 p.m. Tonight Don Davis Nissan is having some type of open house for the service dept. where customers can come and see new vehicles and have questions answered by the service advisors. No one has told me I have to attend and I certainly don't want to. It is supposed to end at 8:00 p.m., but I was informed it usually runs to 9 or 9:30. I did eat the bbq that was catered in, but I see no reason for me to stay. I am going to try to quietly slip out when 7:00 p.m. arrives. I have other things to do and I don't get paid the big bucks anymore to partake of these kinds of events.

It's Wonderful!!...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." That is life, and my new camera!! HaHa!! The camera is soooo coool! I am can't wait for the weekend to get here! Bethany called last night, wanted to update me on what is happening with her guy. Seems he lied to her about working late. They seem to have worked things out and agreed to take it slow. Both of them have been burned before. She asked me why it seems all the good guys have been messed up by women before she meet them. I told her it is because when us good guys meet a woman, they have been messed up before us by some bad guy. It is a vicious cycle that only gets broken when both sides are patient and lets go of their past so the recognize the good thing they have. I am covinced of this so much. I had Dawn before Bethany or Tammi and she made me feel so insecure. Tammi had Alton, and he made her so insecure. Bethany had Gary and Jason, and they messed her up. I am proud of Bethany, she is not doing the easy thing and telling the dude to buzz off. And I am proud of myself. Whether Tam ever realizes it or not, I am breaking the cycle for her and me. I am strong and I am standing by her, supporting her in her decision. Whether it ever creates a situation where her and I can work things out, I don't know. But I am doing my part. I have grown up and I have lost my insecurities. I am strong. If Tam wants a divorce and never wants to see me, I will support that and will go on. If she wants to work it out, I support that too, it is what I do want. But most of all, I am in a good place right now. I have friends, I have job, I have a hobby I love. I have much to be happy about. Maybe someday Tam will want to share in my happiness again. Perhaps not. But I will always love her.

Blame...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I agree with the following passage and never should have blamed Tam. All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." 1.13.2004/10:24 a.m. Sometimes things just work. Sunday I purchased a new soft side lunch cooler from Target. They were on clearance sale (he is back in my life! haha!) for $4.18 and it was large enough for my new lunch container I had bought a few days before. It will also make a wonderful picnic cooler. Today as I was leaving for work, instead of putting my man-purse and cooler in the front seat as I had been doing, I put them in the back seat like Tam and I used to put our things. It reminded me of her and the fact that I loved life with her and that I will keep that, with or without her. It just made me feel good to be going to work and to feel like once again I was the man she had married. I have learned alot and become a better man, but by the same token many things about me are the same and that makes me feel good. My camera is "out for delivery" so it will be here today. I am very excited about getting it and the things I want to go do with it. Bethany and I are supposed to go shoot some pictures this Sunday. Her boyfriend is going to be out of town hunting, and of course my wife is still in SD so we are just going to keep each other company, keeps us from being bored locked up indoors. She starts school on Monday so we will not have much time after that to hang out. 1:00 p.m. Speaking of my new cooler, it fits with my man-purse perfectly in my lower drawer at work. It is as though this was meant to be, just as Tam and I were meant to be. I know I write and write about her and I and I am completely aware that my marriage may be over and that I may never see her again. But I can hope, I can show her that I don't just give up or give in. I have written several times about how it would be easy to give up or to stop loving her, but that really isn't true. Saying that makes it sound as though it is hard to love her, when in reality it is easy for me to love her because we are meant to be with each other. She is the right one for me and therefore it is easy to love her. That is why the opposite is true, it is very difficult, maybe even impossible, for me to give up and I can never, ever stop loving her no matter what happens or where we go in life. I don't have nearly all the answers and I surely do not know everything there is to know in life but I do know I love her and I am better for having known her. I guess what I am trying to express is, I feel her presence, I can feel her all around me. 1:24 p.m. Just got a phone call from sister, and my camera has arrived. I am so excited, but I have decided against going home for lunch. I would not have much time at all to mess with it and I can't at work so I will just be patient and play with it tonight when I get home. 4:25 p.m. My new cooler worked beautiful. After returning from lunch I realized that everyday I go on a picnic in a sense. I go to the park and eat lunch while reading a book, and on days when it is not too hot or cold or windy, I sit at a picnic table and enjoy the outdoors. I have learned things I never would have

Good friends...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Life sure does take some strange twists. I have just spent the last few days hanging around with Bethany. Of course we all know what I have been going through the past few months, although I have emerged a stronger, better person for all of this. Bethany is just starting a relationship with a guy and like any of us when we enter something new, she has some insecurities about all of it. It doesn't help that the guy, for acceptable reasons, has stood her up twice over the weekend. It seems that when he is really tired, if he relaxes in his chair, he is out. So it is not like he has just blown her off, but he still should have made an effort to call her, let her know he might fall asleep. It is all about setting boundaries and acceptable behaviour. Tam and I need to set some boundaries also if we ever have the chance to reconcile. Boundaries for me as well as her. After all the time I spent in this house, with no job, no place to go, grieving about what Tam did to us, it has been very good to have someone just to run around with and do errands, goof around with. I have told Bethany all about Tam, how much I love her, what I felt I could have done different in my marriage, and what has changed about me. No matter what happens in the future with Tam and I, I am her husband right now, and instead of feeling left behind, or put out, I am doing what I told her long ago we would do. I am not walking in front or behind her, but we are side-by-side. I am giving her support while she takes time to find herself and what she wants. I miss her, I cry because I am not with her, but I no longer feel as though our marriage has ended. I know it very well may have ended, but that is not how I feel. If she was ever going to figure out just how good we did have it, that I am a different kind of man than what she has known, and that I can and have grown as a man, husband, person, I had to leave. She needed this time and space away from me and I am giving it to her. So much of this I could not see or understand in the 2 weeks time leading up to my departure, and even for the 1st 2 months after I was here in Texas. But it is so very clear now. I will survive this, with or without Tammi, but I also know if she digs deep and allows herself to once again feel the love for me and from me we shared, we could survive it together, stronger. She once told me she no longer wanted the life we had. I did not want it either. I wanted a better, stronger life with her. It was great, but neither of us was communicating our feelings in a very positive way. It was perfectly ok for us to disagree on the issues in front of us, what was lacking was how we communicated our feelings and how we resolved our feelings on these issues. I know I was to aggressive and hard headed in how I wanted things addressed, I admit that. Having lost, at least for the time being, that which was more important than anything else in the world, the things that did bother me just don't seem so important anymore. That does not mean if I had to do the summer over again, I would not express my opinions and concerns, but I would do it in a much more positive and calm way. It has been good living here with my parents because my Mother, bless her heart, I love her to death, but she is a very impatient woman with a quick temper. When she is tired she insults people, I think without even realizing what she is doing to them. But it has been a lesson for me to learn how to be more patient with others. I used to feel like a boy, like I never grew up. But this experience has matured me, I can't explain just how it happened or what the difference is, but I just no longer feel like this little lost boy, but like a man. I am in charge of my life. I was supposed to see a lawyer yesterday about representing me in getting my child support situation in order. He said be there at noon. We got there at noon and waited until 12:20. In the meantime another family showed up also for the same guy. We left, I am going to reschedule with him for next Monday. I have got to get this child support stuff back in order so I don't go to jail or get too far behind. Finally got a check from Steve for the washer and dryer. He was a man of his word and I appreciated it. In fact it worked out for the better that it took so long. Had he paid me in Nov or Dec, I would have spent it by now, whereas now I have some extra money to pay on bills. Tam sent mom an email and she put in there she was sending me a bill for my back taxes she received. What I guess she didn't realize is that was for our back taxes from last year. But that is ok, I will pay the whole thing. We would have gotten a refund if she had worked instead being on unemployment, but that was not her fault. She was supporting me by helping me find Jessica and it is part of how we ended up in SD and now here. I would not change a thing that has happened because I would not feel the way I do now if anything had been different. I am not out of the woods, I still sleep on a lumpy sofa sleeper and have alot of financial difficulties, but none of them are insurmountable. I miss Tammi very much and I truly want to be her husband for the remainder of my life, but if that is something she genuinely never wants again, I will respect her for that and move on. It will not be easy, it never is when you love someone but I have too much living to do with what is left of my life to stop living. Bethany asked me how a person knows they are in love with someone. All I could say in response is that you know you are in love with someone when being with them is more important than not being with them. For me it was the way Tam made me laugh, the look in her eyes when she ate something I had cooked for her, or when she told me no one had ever done this or that for her before. All I did and do for her is because I love her, not so she would love me and now I give her space and time because I love her unconditionally, not so she once again will love me. I cannot make her love me, all I can do is love her and hope my love is enough for her, that she once again remembers what it was about me that she did love so much. I read and believe that to have unconditional love for someone is to not need them and that is how I feel about Tam. I do not need her, I want her. I can cook my own food, make my own money, wash my own clothes. I can go on my own picnics and day trips. What I want is for her to remember us doing all this together and for her to want these things again, want them enough that the serious issues can be resolved. Life is about living and sharing, I hope she will want to live and share life with me again.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Over the past couple of days I have come to realize another thing. Tam claimed I was not supporting her. But I knew I was I just did not do it in a way that she could see it. I have now come to realize that my leaving, giving her space, is my way of supporting her. Does this mean she will reconcile? Of course not. Does it mean I no longer hurt? Again, of course not. I will hurt until the day comes that we are reunited as husband and wife. And that day may only come in my dreams and nowhere else. I had to leave, not for me, but for her. After so many years of trying her best only to be put down and abused, she needed to find herself. I have complete respect for that. I had to do it myself. I took 2 years to find myself and what I wanted out of life. Then I found her. On a selfish side, of course I don’t want it to take 2 years for her to do the same. But if that is what it takes, I will stand beside her and support her. And when the time comes, no matter how long it takes, that she does find herself and what she truly wants out of life, if that realization does not include a future with me, I will respect that also. I love her. I have come to love her even more than I did when I left her. I will always love her, very deeply. What I had and hope to have again with her is irreplaceable. There is no other person for me.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you."Saturday, 1.10.2004 I cannot explain it, but today I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off my chest. I think it is because I have realized just how much I love Tammi. I told Bethany all about her, sent the link to my journal for Bethany to read. Having done that has brought a peace of mind to me. I have never doubted my love for Tammi, but now it is even stronger than ever. I have come to realize that life threw me another hard punch and I have survived once again. I am going to be ok. I have learned a lot in the past few months. Things about me, both good and bad, things I need to d and things I need to stop doing. I have learned that it is not where you live but what you do and who you do it with that matters. I love to go to festivals and picnics. And I don’t need to live in the Black Hills to do these things. When I was 7 years old, I was hit in the face with a baseball bat, and I did not fall. I stayed on my feet and survived. Well, this has been like that. I took another of life’s best shots and I survived. Dawn’s leaving was a short and I survived. This has been a bigger shot, but I have also survived. I have confidence in myself that I can handle whatever life throws my way. It might hurt, it might stagger me where I don’t think clearly for a while but eventually I gain my balance. I have been a big fan of the movie “ It’s a Wonderful Life” with Jimmy Stewart for a long time. I have always felt I was put on this planet for something big, something good. But as I have aged and with the theme of this movie in mind, it may not be something I do, but rather somehow I touch someone in some small way and they go on to do something big, wonderful. Just as Jimmy Stewart’s character saved his brother as a kid, and then the brother saved a ship full of sailors later in the war, it may be some very small things, but somehow it leads that person or allows that person to do something very big. It may be one of my children, or a stepchild of mine, or someone else that has not even been born yet, but somehow, someway, I will do something that will affect the outcome of another in a very good and positive way. Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything happening. I do not need to know all the reasons why things happen, just learn form the things that happen. I used to not put faith in things, but needed to know what and why things were happening. Now I just rely on my faith that they happen for the right reasons. And when things do happen, learn from them. Not all things seem to turn out as we want them to, but if we look hard enough, there are good reasons for to happen. It is all about turning negatives into positives, problems into opportunities. I did not move back to be closer to mom and dad, I was content to live wherever my wife lived. But because of her need to be alone for a period of time, I used it as an opportunity to be closer to my parents. They will not live forever and I need to be grateful for whatever time I can spend with them. I refuse to be down about all of this. If time is what tam needed then I am going to be positive about it and know that she is better for this. I miss her and I will always remain hopeful that once she “heals”, she will realize we could have a stronger and better marriage. And again that would be a positive outcome for all of this. I am a better person for knowing her and a better person for having gone through this. Instead of being angry at her for doing this I am thanking her for it. I could not have grown as a man and a person otherwise. Of course it has hurt, but because of the hurt, I have grown, I have become stronger. Just as a scar heals into tougher skin, I have become stronger. A few months ago as this was unfolding, I wrote about the strong and the weak ones. I have emerged a stronger person. It took a lot of strength for Tam to do what she did. I only hope she has as much strength to try again with me. I love her enough to grow from this. I believe in my heart she loves me enough to not let our chance at having an even better marriage slip away. We are meant for each other and there is nothing or no one that can ever change my mind on that.

Why are we the way we are?....

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you."Why are we the way we are? What makes us different from each other even when we are so much alike? I speak of this because I am trying to figure out how come no matter how hard I try to be angry with tammi for what she has done, I can’t. I just cannot be mad at her. I want to, but I can’t. It just is not in me to get mad at people. What comes across as anger is in reality hurt feelings. When one of our kids disses us, and I lash out, it comes out as anger, but that anger is covering up for my hurt feelings. I am angry at myself for allowing my feelings to get hurt by others. Because when you allow others to hurt you, they are in control of your life. I will stay in control of my life and my life only. I will not allow others to hurt me, and by not allowing others tohurt me, I will not be angry. And if I am not angry, I am happy. I love her and dearly want our marriage to continue and be stronger, but I will not allow myself to be hurt any longer. We all are in total and complete control of ourselves.

Another day...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Heard from Tina last night. Jessica is now at the "Ranch". I hope it will do her some good. Tina says Jess cannot have visitors for the first 30 days. It will give me some time to save some money to go up there and see her. I have not been a very good father to her, but maybe I can have a second chance to do better. Second chances, that is what to forgive is all about. I have forgiven Tam for sending me away, she was doing what she thought she had to do. Now I only wish she would forgive me enough to realize that we were meant for each other. that we can work out our differences. of course things would never be the same as they were. but they could be better. we could set some boundaries, know where we stand on subjects and issues, and enjoy each others company as we once did. we could do this. i would do this. i love her as i have never loved before. my heart belongs to her. we never know what life will bring us, but i do know fate brought her to me and i choose to remain ever optimistic about her realizing just how good we were together. i know in my heart how much she loved me and that she still does, no matter what she says. i choose to believe that as she goes through her day, when she goes to the black hills, she cannot help but remember our times together and how it made her feel. and i know in my heart it made her feel very good. i have ordered my camera and it should be here next week. the following monday i am planning on going to the zoo with my camera and my new little backpack that mom and dad gave me for Christmas and test it out. i will think of her, dream of her being with me on my little trips, and remember what it felt like. i love her. i miss her. i hurt. but it is a pain i would not trade for anything on the planet because it is a constant reminder of how deep and passionate my love for her is. and i continue to believe that if i keep my faith, keep hope, someday, somewheres, sometime, we will reunite. until then, i will keep working, paying my bills, and going on my trips.

Castaway...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I have been watching the Tom Hanks movie, "Castaway", tonight. That is how I am feeling. Lost, in a desert or on a deserted island. I am drifting through life, no direction, alone and not really having any hope that I will find my way "home". I know what I want to do and where I want to go in my life, but getting there, overcoming obstacles along the way, it just makes you feel as if "why try". You work so hard to do the right thing, make decisions based upon what you know and have experienced, and when those decisions dont work out as intended, the pain and frustration can be overwhelming. I have never been one to give up without a fight and i won't start doing that now, sometimes I just feel a little down and need to let go of some inner frustrations. Maybe I try too hard at things in life because it seems the harder I try to do the right thing, make a good decision, the worse it turns out. Tomorrow is a new day and every new day brings new hope. I miss her.

Some things I read...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I read that you are what you drive. Well, I guess that fits me right now pretty good. My car is not the ugliest thing out there, but not alot to look at either. My car is pretty reliable, but does have its squeaks and rattles and must be treated with some TLC. It is warm and soft on the inside, but the "engine"(heart) is fragile and must be treated tenderly(not pushed too hard). My car has alot of life left in it and many places yet to go, but it has seen better days and some days it runs better than other days. My only hope is that it doesn't break down anytime soon and get left on the side of the road, ready for the junk yard.
I also read a line from a book that goes something like this: "The most complex problems have the simplest solutions." I believe this to be true, as I also believe there are not problems, only opportunities. Having said all this, here is my "problem" (opportunity) and the simple solution. How do I ever get Tam to fall in love with me again and want to work on our life together. Well, the solution (opportunity), is for me to continue to work towards being the person I want to be, to continue doing the things that her and I enjoyed doing, to not let this make me a bitter person, but a better person. It would be easy to just be mad and resentful towards her. But I choose to not be that way. I know she did what she felt she had to do for her to be a happy person. I also know she was very happy with me. So I will continue to love her, give her space, allow her to grow as best she can as a person. And if by chance, someday, she wants to try, I will be there, ready for her. I am not naive enough to be blind to the fact she very well may never want to try again. But I feel it is better to work on myself with the goal and hope that she will rather than just wallow in self pity and resentment. I cried again today over missing her, and I will cry from time to time for the rest of my life. I accept the fact that I deeply love her, that I married her because I want to spend the remainder of my life with her, even if she doesn't want to with me. I spoke the vows to her because I meant them, and I will keep them.

Sadness...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I am hurting so much. I really thought I might have passed this stage, but not yet, not for a long time. I went to the mall today, to go and see the camera I am about to purchase, to hold it and see if it really is what I want. It is, but it hurt so much to walk through the mall, to remember all the times we had walked through that very mall, loving each other. I want to be loved, but not by anyone other than Tam. I have been telling myself that I must go to these places, the mall, picnics, etc. to face the pain that comes with doing the things I loved so much doing with her. I still believe I must do this, if I am to overcome the hurt, to move forward. But it is much, much more difficult than I had imagined. It has been 3 months tonight since we last made love, and I am nowheres near healing from what she has done. I have put so much thought into what happened, why it happened, what could have been done different, and what would be done different if given the chance. And through all the hurt, the understanding, the learning one thing keeps coming through loud and clear: there is no other person on this planet that ever did nor ever could again make me feel the way she has made me feel. If I never see her again, never hold her again, never get to tell her how much I love her, twenty years from now I will look back and still feel the passion, the love, and the pain. None of it will ever go away, I will only learn to live with it, as a person learns to live with an amputated arm or leg. You adapt, learn how to the same things you always did, but in new and different ways, you overcome. But you never forget. When the time comes to return to RC for my things, it will be a difficult thing. I have decided it is something I have to do alone. To me, it is like going through your spouses things right after the funeral to bury your spouse. Something you must do, but comes with immense pain and anguish. I must return for my things, but it is going to a place where I was happier than at any time in my life, and where the single most painful event of my life occurred. I will stay focused by doing my hobby, photographing my life and the events that come to pass in it, writing about those events, and remembering what it was like to love someone that loved you in return. I HURT!!! I MISS HER!!!! I LOVE HER!!!! I WANT HER BACK!!!! BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX THIS!!!! HOW DO I FIX THIS!!!!??? WHAT MAGIC DO OTHERS HAVE THAT THEIR RELATIONSHIPS GET ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY!!!???

Buried a friend...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." New Years Day I buried my friend critter. I took it as a symbol since it was new years day of burying the past and facing a new future. some might find this strange or morbid, but i think there is meaning in everything and this is what i got. the following is something that i have been sent before, but was sent again and thought it would be a good fit here. Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama: 1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions. 4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. 5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. 6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. 8. Spend some time alone every day. 9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. 10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time. 12 A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. 13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. 14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. 15. Be gentle with the earth. 16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before. 17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. 18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. These are some very good lessons to live by. I wish I had someone to share them with. Things are starting to come together now that I am working and getting a paycheck. Still a long road to go before I can go to RC and get my things and then get my own place. But all in good time. Tuesday I will order my camera and i will be on my way towards my new independent life. I have read there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. and I guess that is correct. there are married people that are lonely and there are people that live alone but have many people in their lives and do not feel lonely. right now i am not alone, i have my parents and sister, and some new friends at work, yet i am lonely. but I will no longer allow loneliness to rule my life. that is the reason for the camera. a new camera by itself will not make me happy, but it will allow me to enjoy the things i like to do in a more fulfulling way. it is a symbol of my commitment to be happy, even if i am lonely. i think a person can be happy and lonely. with the uncommon warm weather, it has been feeling like it did last september when we went to the block long garage sale. that was another of our wonderful times together. i feel the loneliness the most when i remember a good time. i got some film developed. some of the pictures from our trip to devils tower were there. our last trip together. i still hurt, alot. i thought as things turned positive, getting a job and getting things going foward, the pain would ease. but it hasnt. it has just reminded me that with each small triumph, each little victory, i no longer have her to share them with. it hurts so bad. the more time that passes the more i realize i have no interest in meeting another woman. there is just no desire to date someone, to get to know someone new. as i day dream about going on a trip or a picnic, all i see is her. i will go, because i refuse to hide from the things i like to do, but it does hurt. i hurt, i grieve, i am sad. i try to keep in mind the positive things. i am still alive. i am working. i have a family that loves me. i live in a free country. i have a place to live. but still, even with all this to be thankful for, i miss her.