"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Friday, January 30, 2004 12:53:10 PM Another lesson finally learned. Way back in 1988 I worked for a volkswagon dealership as a parts runner. I was there for about 6 months. goofed off alot, took Tina on my runs and eventually got fired. As I was being fired, the manager asked me what he could have done to avoid this situation. I told him he could have told me there was a problem. Now I understand it is my responsibility to take care of my own things, but still, we look to those in charge for guidence. I could have used a warning about the direction I was headed in. Same with Dawn, and now Tam. Instead of waiting until I was "fired" as a husband, could they not have spoken up and said something about how they were feeling? The lesson I have learned after all these years and of these "firings" is that, trust in no one to warn you. Pay attention to what is going around you. Ask questions (even though I did do this with Tam, always asking her if she was getting what she needed, but that is why I can hold my head high) and read between the lines, because people very rarely shoot straight with you. 3:10 PM I am so tired. I have made such a mess of my life over the last 20 years. I am just tired. I am tired of battling other people, battling myself. I am tired of fighting for things I feel are worth fighting for, only to be the only one to fight for them. I want to rest. I have no interest in a relationship with anyone right now, save for Tam and Jessica. Jessica can't seem to get the message, so there won't be much of a relationship there for a number of years and Tam has made it obvious that she does not want a relationship with me any longer so I just want to rest. I can't keep fighting for things I believe in when I seem to be the only one that believes in them. I am falling into a routine at work and at the house. It is a good thing. I have accepted that my life will never go as I wanted it to, but then again, it wasn't until I moved to RC that I actually made a plan for my life. I could see where we were going and how we were going to get there. I am tired of people not having faith in me and what I can accomplish. That includes my parents, my ex-wives and anyone else that has known me. I feel like Rodney Dangerfield because I just never get any respect. I guess I bring that upon myself, although I am not sure how. I always have tried my best but I now think that I have tried too hard. Anyways, something in my personality and/or nature has made people not respect me even when they new I was good at what I was doing. I do not plan on being a hermit, quite the contrary, I am puchasing an annual state park pass and will go places every weekend. But as for human contact, I don't want any. I get enough of that at work and at home. This will be my "healing" time, time to get my life organized the way I want it to be. No distractions. No fighting losing battles just to have a little happiness. I may not be happy, like I was with Tam, but I can be content, have some peace in my life. 6:25 PM For years and years, really since I was a teen, I have never been able to accept a compliment. I mean, when I was a junior in high school, there were 3 senior girls sitting on the floor in the band hall one day and as I was putting up my things, one of them told me I had a "nice butt" and when I gave a skeptical look, she said "no really you do". I have always felt that if someone was giving me a compliment, I asked myself, "what is it they really want?" And I have been that way all the way up until right now. I am learning how to accept a compliment. I guess that comes with confidence. With age has come wisdom, but also confidence. I know who I am, what I am capable of, and what my limitations are. And if feels good when someone tells me I do something well, or that I am nice. I will not let this go to my head, that would not be a wise thing to do, but it is nice to be recognized for my abilities and attitude. I only wish I had the one I love to share it with. Whenever I get dressed in the morning and I look in the mirror and think how nice I look with my tie or as today, with my sweater over my tie and shirt, I think to myself how Tam would say I look good or something to that effect, and then I have to quickly change my thoughts because of how much it hurts.