Good friends...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Life sure does take some strange twists. I have just spent the last few days hanging around with Bethany. Of course we all know what I have been going through the past few months, although I have emerged a stronger, better person for all of this. Bethany is just starting a relationship with a guy and like any of us when we enter something new, she has some insecurities about all of it. It doesn't help that the guy, for acceptable reasons, has stood her up twice over the weekend. It seems that when he is really tired, if he relaxes in his chair, he is out. So it is not like he has just blown her off, but he still should have made an effort to call her, let her know he might fall asleep. It is all about setting boundaries and acceptable behaviour. Tam and I need to set some boundaries also if we ever have the chance to reconcile. Boundaries for me as well as her. After all the time I spent in this house, with no job, no place to go, grieving about what Tam did to us, it has been very good to have someone just to run around with and do errands, goof around with. I have told Bethany all about Tam, how much I love her, what I felt I could have done different in my marriage, and what has changed about me. No matter what happens in the future with Tam and I, I am her husband right now, and instead of feeling left behind, or put out, I am doing what I told her long ago we would do. I am not walking in front or behind her, but we are side-by-side. I am giving her support while she takes time to find herself and what she wants. I miss her, I cry because I am not with her, but I no longer feel as though our marriage has ended. I know it very well may have ended, but that is not how I feel. If she was ever going to figure out just how good we did have it, that I am a different kind of man than what she has known, and that I can and have grown as a man, husband, person, I had to leave. She needed this time and space away from me and I am giving it to her. So much of this I could not see or understand in the 2 weeks time leading up to my departure, and even for the 1st 2 months after I was here in Texas. But it is so very clear now. I will survive this, with or without Tammi, but I also know if she digs deep and allows herself to once again feel the love for me and from me we shared, we could survive it together, stronger. She once told me she no longer wanted the life we had. I did not want it either. I wanted a better, stronger life with her. It was great, but neither of us was communicating our feelings in a very positive way. It was perfectly ok for us to disagree on the issues in front of us, what was lacking was how we communicated our feelings and how we resolved our feelings on these issues. I know I was to aggressive and hard headed in how I wanted things addressed, I admit that. Having lost, at least for the time being, that which was more important than anything else in the world, the things that did bother me just don't seem so important anymore. That does not mean if I had to do the summer over again, I would not express my opinions and concerns, but I would do it in a much more positive and calm way. It has been good living here with my parents because my Mother, bless her heart, I love her to death, but she is a very impatient woman with a quick temper. When she is tired she insults people, I think without even realizing what she is doing to them. But it has been a lesson for me to learn how to be more patient with others. I used to feel like a boy, like I never grew up. But this experience has matured me, I can't explain just how it happened or what the difference is, but I just no longer feel like this little lost boy, but like a man. I am in charge of my life. I was supposed to see a lawyer yesterday about representing me in getting my child support situation in order. He said be there at noon. We got there at noon and waited until 12:20. In the meantime another family showed up also for the same guy. We left, I am going to reschedule with him for next Monday. I have got to get this child support stuff back in order so I don't go to jail or get too far behind. Finally got a check from Steve for the washer and dryer. He was a man of his word and I appreciated it. In fact it worked out for the better that it took so long. Had he paid me in Nov or Dec, I would have spent it by now, whereas now I have some extra money to pay on bills. Tam sent mom an email and she put in there she was sending me a bill for my back taxes she received. What I guess she didn't realize is that was for our back taxes from last year. But that is ok, I will pay the whole thing. We would have gotten a refund if she had worked instead being on unemployment, but that was not her fault. She was supporting me by helping me find Jessica and it is part of how we ended up in SD and now here. I would not change a thing that has happened because I would not feel the way I do now if anything had been different. I am not out of the woods, I still sleep on a lumpy sofa sleeper and have alot of financial difficulties, but none of them are insurmountable. I miss Tammi very much and I truly want to be her husband for the remainder of my life, but if that is something she genuinely never wants again, I will respect her for that and move on. It will not be easy, it never is when you love someone but I have too much living to do with what is left of my life to stop living. Bethany asked me how a person knows they are in love with someone. All I could say in response is that you know you are in love with someone when being with them is more important than not being with them. For me it was the way Tam made me laugh, the look in her eyes when she ate something I had cooked for her, or when she told me no one had ever done this or that for her before. All I did and do for her is because I love her, not so she would love me and now I give her space and time because I love her unconditionally, not so she once again will love me. I cannot make her love me, all I can do is love her and hope my love is enough for her, that she once again remembers what it was about me that she did love so much. I read and believe that to have unconditional love for someone is to not need them and that is how I feel about Tam. I do not need her, I want her. I can cook my own food, make my own money, wash my own clothes. I can go on my own picnics and day trips. What I want is for her to remember us doing all this together and for her to want these things again, want them enough that the serious issues can be resolved. Life is about living and sharing, I hope she will want to live and share life with me again.