Blame...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I agree with the following passage and never should have blamed Tam. All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." 1.13.2004/10:24 a.m. Sometimes things just work. Sunday I purchased a new soft side lunch cooler from Target. They were on clearance sale (he is back in my life! haha!) for $4.18 and it was large enough for my new lunch container I had bought a few days before. It will also make a wonderful picnic cooler. Today as I was leaving for work, instead of putting my man-purse and cooler in the front seat as I had been doing, I put them in the back seat like Tam and I used to put our things. It reminded me of her and the fact that I loved life with her and that I will keep that, with or without her. It just made me feel good to be going to work and to feel like once again I was the man she had married. I have learned alot and become a better man, but by the same token many things about me are the same and that makes me feel good. My camera is "out for delivery" so it will be here today. I am very excited about getting it and the things I want to go do with it. Bethany and I are supposed to go shoot some pictures this Sunday. Her boyfriend is going to be out of town hunting, and of course my wife is still in SD so we are just going to keep each other company, keeps us from being bored locked up indoors. She starts school on Monday so we will not have much time after that to hang out. 1:00 p.m. Speaking of my new cooler, it fits with my man-purse perfectly in my lower drawer at work. It is as though this was meant to be, just as Tam and I were meant to be. I know I write and write about her and I and I am completely aware that my marriage may be over and that I may never see her again. But I can hope, I can show her that I don't just give up or give in. I have written several times about how it would be easy to give up or to stop loving her, but that really isn't true. Saying that makes it sound as though it is hard to love her, when in reality it is easy for me to love her because we are meant to be with each other. She is the right one for me and therefore it is easy to love her. That is why the opposite is true, it is very difficult, maybe even impossible, for me to give up and I can never, ever stop loving her no matter what happens or where we go in life. I don't have nearly all the answers and I surely do not know everything there is to know in life but I do know I love her and I am better for having known her. I guess what I am trying to express is, I feel her presence, I can feel her all around me. 1:24 p.m. Just got a phone call from sister, and my camera has arrived. I am so excited, but I have decided against going home for lunch. I would not have much time at all to mess with it and I can't at work so I will just be patient and play with it tonight when I get home. 4:25 p.m. My new cooler worked beautiful. After returning from lunch I realized that everyday I go on a picnic in a sense. I go to the park and eat lunch while reading a book, and on days when it is not too hot or cold or windy, I sit at a picnic table and enjoy the outdoors. I have learned things I never would have