Downloading of music and movies solved by me...

Here is how to solve the problem. The music, movie, and device manufacturers get together and develop the software to do the following: You open an account at a music site and "register" each device you own. the serial #'s are recorded in the metadata of each song you download and will only play on your pc and devices registered. and you are allowed a maximum of say 10 devices. You pay a monthly subscription fee and can use each song as long as you want. buy a new device? add it to the software you got when you signed up and run a re-association program so the songs will work with the new device. There you have it, problem solved.

"Nothing makes people so worthy of compliments as occasionally receiving them. One is more delightful for being told one is delightful - just as one is more angry for being told one is angry." - Katharine Fullerton Gerould, American writer (1879-1944).

There are those out there that will understand this.

Who has the right to tell someone else how they should feel? I pity "Kiki" because obviously if they don't believe in a soulmate, they have never had one, or did but was hurt by them. Tam was my soulmate. Since I got that cruel posting I have done much thinking and I have figured out that it isn't Tam that I miss so much as what I had with her that I miss. But unlike what Kiki is trying to say, I believe I will never have it again with someone else. Sure, I could find someone to do things with, have sex with, watch a movie with and on and on. But as long as I miss doing these things with Tam, then I have no interest in sharing with someone else. Where is it written that we have to be with someone? I can be lonely and happy at the same time. I miss companionship, but at the same time I finally have some goals and dreams and the pursuit of a new relationship would slow down the achievement of those goals and dreams. Also, I have a short window to finish raising my daughter to adulthood and that requires alot of focus. To enter into a new relationship at this time would also open myself up to disappointment and pain and that is something else I am just not ready to do. So to all the "Kiki's" out there, I do love Tam and I do miss her and what I had with her but I am not holding my life back because of that. If what was said is true, the more power to her. If I could be replaced so easily, then absolutely what we had was not what I thought we had. But it was wonderful for me and the memories are still fresh in my mind. We all move at different paces in life and I will move at mine. I make no apologies for, after 11 months, still having deep feelings for Tam. There are no rules that say I can't have them. My post was for me, not for others and no one has the right to tell me how to feel about something.

Some people...

I was haveing a really good morning when I came home to this:

Paulie, Paulie! Get over Tammy, for crying out loud! I know "your" Tam and I know her boyfriend J. better, and I can guarantee you she's not mooning over you all the time like you obviously are. Get ON WITH YOUR LIFE!! I'm a little older than you, a little younger than Tammy, but one thing I've definitely learned in my life is that the notion of one soulmate for each person is romantic bull-crap. If you met Tammy, you can meet someone else. This time maybe someone who actually likes your obsessiveness and smothering. 'Cuz there are ALOT of women out there who go for that. I don't know if you want an update on Tammy or not, but here's a little bit...she's getting over her cancer pretty well, so far no recurrence. She lost her hair and was pretty darned sick with the chemo, but her hair's back and she's okay. She still has alot of problems with bowel incontinence...keeps her pretty close to home which is annoying for her, but hopefully that will get better. She's working and she and J. are raising his 5 year old son who adores her. Her diabetes is okay and her weight is about the same. I found your talk of her fear of heights funny 'cuz J. has a much worse phobia of heights and I've seen her try to talk HIM into taking chances on high things! Anyway, they're doing okay and moving on which is WHAT YOU SHOULD DO, BUCKO! :) Get out into the public! Take some classes or seminars. Go to meetings. MEET PEOPLE! Life is too damned short to mope and obsess about what COULD have been. Obviously, it wasn't what you thought it was to start with, so work on brand new things! Good luck! We'll be watching you! Kiki

It has been brought to my attention that I should "move on" with my life because someone I love has done the same. Because of this person's cruelty I have decided to turn off the comments to my journal. I don't know if I will continue this journal or if I will just start a new one. I know, it is my doing because I am the one that allowed them in the first place. I made this public and then allowed the comments as a way of interacting with the world concerning my life. Sort of a giant group of friends that I could communicate with on anything and everything. And I have enjoyed the back and forth comments with a couple of people. I will let them know where they can continue with me if they choose to. But to have someone make a cruel statement, real or not, is unforgivable. Their post was unwelcome and unasked for. It was not for them to say what they said. I have moved on with my life. Some people take years (plural) to put someone they love in their past. There is no right or wrong way or amount of time. It is what it is. Good for her if she has someone and she is happy. This was not about her, never was. It was/is about me and how I feel. How I have learned that being with someone is not the end all/be all of life. As long as I have feelings for her, I have no desire to meet someone else. I am just not interested. So, keep your comments and yourself out of my life. It is a big world, surely you can find some other way to make yourself feel good without hurting others. I don't know you and I don't want to know you. And you surely don't know me or you would not have made the statements you did. You have absolutely no clue who I am or what I am about.

I have not posted here in quite awhile. I mean a post about my life and where I am at. I have been quite busy with Jess and work. Things changed so fast once I moved into my apartment. Brought Jess home and settled into the new position at work. Today is the 25th of September. The 25th of each month holds special meaning as it was the 25th day of the month of October of the year 2003 that I last laid eyes on Tam. And this month it isn't just the month but the exact same days of the week. It was a Saturday 11 months ago that I left Rapid City and my wife behind. I have spent the past 11 months learning about who I am. Learning about who I want to be. Trying to keep a promise I made to her when I left. That I would learn to do things differently, that I would improve myself as a person. Yes, I tried to meet someone new, I thought that is what I needed. But I came to realize that is not what I wanted. Yes, I am alone and I do miss the conversation and companionship of another adult. But I have learned that I will never meet someone that is as matched for me as Tam is/was. To this day I miss her as much as I did the day I left. I love her as much now as I did then. I never stopped loving her. I finally accepted that as long as I feel for her as I do I am not interested in meeting someone. I suppose someday I will finally move past her but I am in no hurry to reach that point. I am focused on my children and my job. For the first time I am focused on them as I should have been long ago. But it is my love for Tam that keeps me focused on them. Ironic that it took finding my soulmate and then losing her for me to achieve that. I just wish we could have done it together. I wasted alot of my life trying to have a companion, but myself in some deep holes because of it. And then I found her. The way's God works are mysterious and I just have faith that he has a plan for me and I will do my best to fulfill it. Knowing that the one year anniversary of my leaving Rapid City was fast approaching has but me in a sad mood the past week or two. And it will get worse over the next month. Beyond that, I don't know. There are not any guarantees that I will live another month but I hope to. There is much left for me to experience in this world. I just didn't know I would be doing it alone, without Tam at my side. She is missed and she is loved as no one can love her but me.

here a few pics I shot last winter in a park near my work. I was just learning how to use my digital camera and thought it would be interesting to do some b&w. 

Can he beat it? 

Yeah!!

"The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces." --Maureen Murphy

Nake in public? What next?

CNN.com - Naked yoga OK in San Francisco - Sep 22, 2004: "'Simply being naked on the street is not a crime in San Francisco,' said Debbie Mesloh, a spokeswoman for the district attorney's office."

At the age of eleven or thereabouts, women acquire a poise and ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.--uknown

DREAMS...

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being. She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?" I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze. "Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked. She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of kids.." "No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. "I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up. At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know." As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change. Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets." She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be. When you finish reading this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they'll really enjoy it! These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE. REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL. We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it--He will bring you through it.

My problem for so long...

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."--Bill Cosby

Good words...

No one keeps score. There are so many ways that each of us can find happiness and success in our endeavors, that it never really matters how many times you fail. You only have to be right once.--Mark Cuban

Some never grow up.

Yahoo! Sports - NCAA Football - No. 7 Texas 22, Arkansas 20: "Saturday's game was the 35th anniversary of the '69 Shootout. Plans to commemorate that game at halftime were dropped because of fans' objection to honor players from both 1969 teams on Arkansas' field. Instead, Arkansas honored its 1964 team, which claims a disputed national championship."

Just shows the lack of sportmanship in Arkansas. A great historical game for both teams with this years version on their home field and the lack the class to properly honor players from both teams. Not a very good example to teach our kids by. But then, maybe that is why Arkansas is about 30 years behind the rest of us.

True...

"Ideas are one thing, and what happens is another." - John Cage, American composer and author (1912-1992).

Ok, this one or....

...this one? They are both the ultimate in perfection when it comes to the physical beauty of a woman. 

No matter how much we know now, there are too many little things we don't know that can change things dramatically — a degree here, a butterfly there.

This kinda sums up my new philosophy of not worrying too much about things that are way down the road. Too much can happen in between to change the plans. An example: Instead of planning to buy a house (as if I can, but go with me on this example), I will just save money and when the opportunity does present itself, I will be ready for it. Again, this is just an example of how to plan for something without being in a position to worry about it. I don't know if I even make sense to myself, but then it is my blog so as long as I know what i am meaning, it is ok! :) Chaos calms me down.

"That's the too-often-quoted butterfly effect: Whether or not a butterfly flaps its wings in China can determine whether it rains in New York."

This is my life!!

Chaos says, among other things, that tiny differences now turn into huge differences later.

Again, this is my favorite theory, "The Butterfly Effect".

One more to go....

One more month to go until the one year anniversary of Tam forever changing my life. As of today (really yesterday as it is now after midnight) it has been 11 months since Tam and I last made our sweet love. So much has happened since that last beautiful night, it only seems fitting it is also on a Saturday night as it was then. I have learned (along with so much else) not to even think about what might happen next week, let alone next year. 11 months ago right now i was so happy and 4 days later it had all changed. Just like that, in an instant my life went in a completely different direction. Having my daughter home with me is such a good thing, but I had hopes of her coming to RC to live with us. I have not heard a peep from her in 6 months. No divorce papers, no key, no I am sorry, no how are you doing. Nothing. Nada. So I work and take care of Jess and pray alot and keep waiting to see my son. All the time wondering about Tam. I tried to be Bethany's boyfriend but she wasn't interested. Probably for the best. I really don't know what I want. I am lonely for the companionship and company of a woman and yet I still dream of Tam. She was my soulmate, no one will ever be better suited for me than her. I really believe this. Does not mean I can't be a good boyfriend to someone, just that they will not quite be as perfect for me as Tam was. And yet, Tam was not perfect either, when she had the chance to step and be strong, she could not do it. I believe the quote I posted, that there are no perfect couples, only couples comfortable in their imperfection (or somthing to that effect). I sit here struggling with worry about how to pay for Jess's medications, Ryan's counselor, my bills, my truck that Tina won't pay for and so many other things. It is so much harder doing it alone, with no one to talk to about it. I discuss some of it with Jess, she has a right to know why things are the way they are but she does not fully grasp what is happening. We had a really good day today. We went shopping for an outfit for her tomorrow. The local C & W club has teen night on Sunday nights and she is going with a bunch of her classmates. Didn't spend too much as many sales were on and she is happy. She is doing really well and on Friday she learned another lesson about human nature. She got into a small spat with a girl and then the girl was told "Jess is going to get you" but it turns out that those kids were spreading the rumors. Jess and the girl made up in the counselors office. She learned that those kids were egging her on because they did not like the other gir, she is a geek and they are "cool". Well, Jess learned they were trying to get her to something but she would be the one to pay the price, not them. She is learning to walk away, as I have learned this past year. Anytime anything upsets me I have learned to just walk away, take deep breaths and don't even think about it for awhile, until the emotions have dissipated as the rising morning mist does when the sun rises. How I miss her and yet I have no idea how I would react now if she was to return, which I doubt she will. I am in limbo. My body wants to feel the touch of a woman, but my emotions want no part of giving to someone. And I have never been the type to do one without the other so I have accepted I will be alone for a long time. Sometimes I daydream of meeting someone new and I remember what it was like to fall in love. And at that moment I realize how very hard it would be to trust my feelings to someone right now, knowing they would do as the ones before have done. That no matter how hard I tried to resolve the issues, to strive to become a better person, I am not worth fighting for. It has become to easy in our society to just quit. If I am that bad of a person, then I deserve to be alone and should be. But I just can't believe I am that bad. Maybe I should smoke and drink and do drugs. Maybe then I would be normal. I am thinking of creating a blog just for Jess's teachers and myself to communicat on. I don't know if they would do it or not but it would be worth a try. That way instead of emailing we could communicate in a conversation mode. With Bloggers post by email feature I would give each teacher, her counselor and the vice principal the secret email code. Then, for them it would be just like sending me email but it would be kept in a record for as long as blogger exists. I think it is a really cool idea. and with the other email feature where i could be automatically send any new posts, i could have them sent to my work and get them right away. I shall see.

Can beauty get any more perfect than this? I really think not. 

Arrgghhh!!

Puleez!!

Serena Williams is a great tennis player but I am not so sure about her fashion sense. We all do it but why do we think that just because we are really good at one thing we will automatically be good at something else? I mean, no matter how hard we try or the opportunities for success we have, just because we have one talent does not mean we will succeed at something else. Just my opinion and I am entitled to it. 

Me Too...

"Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better. Emile Coue"