"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." This is how I am approaching life now. My good friend critter died today. to some he was just a cat. but to me he was my friend and more than just my friend. in a dark and lonely time of my life, he was my only friend. he never tired of listening to me, he never stopped loving me, he always came and sat in my lap, soothing me as i hurt inside. and when i returned to texas, again entering a dark time, he once again cheered me up. he listened again, he loved me as if i had never left. he may have just been a cat to some, but i will forever cherish the final 2 months i had with him. he was more than a cat to me, he was a friend.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Critter made it through the night but i dont think he will make it through another. He is barely alive, he is blind and he won't drink any water. I dont know what happened, possibly a stroke or kidney failure, but my friend is going to die. He may be just a cat, but in a very dark time of my life he was my only friend. i am now happy that tam sent me away as i get to say goodbye to my friend. our pets become so much more than just something to keep us company. we tell them our secrets, get comfort from them. and they never complain, never put us down. a pets love is a true definition of unconditional love. when i had critter in my own house, i always told everyone he lived there because he chose to. i mean he went outside all the time. he could have left if he had wanted to. but he didn't. he came home, not just for the food, but to sit on my lap and listen to me when i was hurting, or when i was filled with joy. i will never forget the time when jess and i were tearing down that old shed out back and critter caught one of the rats that lived under it and put it on the wheelbarrow for me. he brought me gifts like that all the time (not that i really wanted dead mice and rats, but he did his best). sometimes when we are down, when we cant see what is going around us, someone close makes a sacrifice to show us what is really important in life. critter loved me unconditionally. i thought i loved tammi unconditionaly and her me. but i was wrong. all i do know is i love her, will always love her. i have searched my soul and all i know is my love for her is greater than any issues. that they could have been worked through. but therein lies the problem, she had to love me enough in return that nothing was bigger than us. tomorrow is the beginning of a new year. i will use that beginning to look forward, never looking back. if i am fortunate, i have maby 30-35 years of my life left, i want to enjoy each and every day of it. if tammi ever wants to be a part of it again, i am there and waiting for her, and if not, i refuse to be down about it. i will just accept that it was not meant to be, will learn all that i can from it to better myself as a human being, and move forward. there is no time left for me to just mope around in self pity. i am a good person, i have faults, i try to learn from my mistakes, and when i love, i give my heart and soul to that person. if this is not enough for her, there is nothing i can do about that. i hope for the best for her and that she does find the peace and happiness she seeks in her life. it is just too bad, for me, that it isn't with me. maybe i am not perfect for her, but she was perfect for me.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." came home from work tonight and found out critter is not doing well at all. seems he fell in the garage and was laying on the cold floor all day. dont know what made him fall or if he was already having trouble. he is barely hanging on right now and i dont expect him to live more than a few days at best. work is going well, i am having more to do and keeping very busy. at least for right now this job is perfect for me and my abilities. got another email from bethany last night. i was not sure she would stay in contact after our phone conversation last week catchng up on our lives. but i did and i was glad. i have a friend now. i returned the email and sent another short one this morning. have not heard back, but then i dont expect to be in contact every day. i am so looking foward to buying my camera. if all goes well, i will purchase it next tuesday. not sure if i will pay for overnight shipping. one website is offering about the same price as the others but with free ground shipping. i will make that decision next tuesday. my ankle is finally feeling better. i dont know what has been wrong with it, but yesterday i felt a "pop" inside the joint and ever since then it has not hurt as much and i have been able to walk pretty much normal. there is still some pain, but not like it has been for the last 3+ months. things are looking up.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Critter should be ok, he has worms, but the doc gave him some medicine for it and he is crapping them out now. I read that a cat should be given work medicine every 3 months whether there are signs of them or not. So I will do that for him. He is hardly eating now, and that is a good thing as he was eating 3 or more cans a day and still dropping weight. I think he will get fattened up now and be alright.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." To finally get a paycheck again. It has been a long time coming and I am happy to be working. I hope to retire to Rapid City or somewhere like that, but for now I will be working the next 15 years here. Not because this is where I want to be, but because it is where I can earn enough money to finish my life out the way I want to. Maybe I was meant to work for Nissan and be a booker, but if so, it is fine with me. I still have a dream, a goal for what I want out of my life, and after what I have endured the past 7 years, I will not let anything or anyone alter that goal now. I don't have the time left in my life to change course. The one thing I will touch on is how I never realized that when someone asked me to do something and I was just trying to give my opinion and debate whether the action was the best way or not, they were of the belief that because I was disagreeing with their method, that I was not going to do as they had asked. This was what happened when Tam told me about her diet the doctor had laid out before her. Well, until I had a similiar conversation with my mother the other day, I had never before seen it from the other persons point of view. Of course I was going to put the chips in the bag as mother had asked. I just thought it was not needed as closing the chip bag would be good enough. But it should not have mattered, I should have just done it rather than try to argue or debate the issue. Just as I should have not disagreed with Tam's diet, but rather just helped her. I never had any intention of not doing it as it was laid out before her, but now I know that not everyone takes the time to know who and how I am, and therefore would know that I fully support them and do for them, even if I disagree with what I am doing. I now know that is not always the case, and I cannot take it for granted that they will understand I am just "debating", and not truly serious about not doing as they ask and need me to do. I have learned to be more careful about what I say and how I say it. Ten days left until I order my camera. I cannot wait. It will be my last luxury purchase for 6 months, and then I will buy a new computer just before I move into my own apartment. Even though 6 months seems like a long time, it really isn't. Working and going on day trips to shoot pics will make the time go by fast. I have already been working for over a week, and it seems like I just started. I truly believe that 2004 will be a wonderful year for me. I am going to stay positive, only deal with whatever is right on front of me, and continue to practice good communication skills. I deal very heavily with customers on a daily basis, so if I can communicate with them, surely I can learn to communicate with family and friends also. There is much work yet to be done, but things are starting to work themselves out.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Well, I really think things are starting to look up and go my way. Talked on the phone with Bethany for awhile last night, just catching up on old times. She has reassured me that any friendship we might have in the future is purly platonic. I told her, all I am looking for right now is a friend to go do stuff with, and since she is still into photography (which I got her into, by the way), she would be a good fit for that kind of friendship. If she wants to go shoot pics, great, if not, thats ok too. I am still going to go to festivals, carnivals, picnics, etc. whatever I have to do to get out of town and do stuff. I got a tripod and a case for my portable cd player from mom and dad for Christmas. More than I expected as money is tight and I have nothing to give back, at least not right now. Talked to Tina today, she is taking Jess to the "Ranch" on Tuesday for a looksee, Jess will have to go back to CYS until a bed opens up at the ranch. As soon as she is settled in I will get on a schedule to go see her at least every other month depending on the cost of plane tickets. 8 hrs is a long time to drive for just a day trip. I finally got an email from Tam's brother, Steve. He told me to hang on, he had not forgotten me, that he is going to be selling a car to pay for the washer/dryer as soon as he can. So I believe him and I thanked him for letting me know about his situation. I am feeling so good now, since I have found a job. And I am enjoying the job immensely. I think because it is something I have done before and the fact I am very good at it, I can just relax and do my job. Also, I no longer worry about being fired or messing up. I know what I am capable of and if a manage does not want to take the time to figure out what I am about, then I don't need him. I will always figure out a way to get by, so I am just not going to worry about stuff. And by not worrying I make it easy on myself to do my job. Dad and Sister are taking critter to the vet tomorrow, I am worried he will not last a few more weeks if we dont get him some help now. I am going to pay for it. At first I figured it would cost a few hundred dollars, but sister found out it was $35-$45 for the visit, so I said go ahead and lets do this. Life does get better when you maintain faith and work hard. He helps those that helps themselves.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." I am trying to make new friends, and be supportive of them, get to know them, rather than trying to find someone that finds me interesting. if i find them interesting, in turn they will find an interest in me also. In another but somewhat related note, i received an email from bethany. as i suspected she did try to get through but was unable. so the 2nd letter i sent with my email address was the right thing to do. she made it clear she has no interest in starting a relationship, just friendship. but that is exactly what i need at this time, just a friend. she is still into photography, in fact so much so that is what she is attending college for. and i feel proud as i am the one that got her started in that! just to have a friend right now to go on my day trips and shoot pictures with, that would be the a good thing. not have to worry about the stresses of romance or anything like that. this might just be a good turning point in my life. we shall see. go a package from tam, it was my mail she told me she had mailed last month. dont know why she sent it, i had told her to just put it in my shed and i would get it whenever i made it up there to get my stuff. i refuse to try to read messages into any actions by a woman ever again. she is probably just being nice, same as bethany. so i will take whatever they say or do at face value and that will be that. if tam has something to say to me, she will just have to come out and say it. she had the strength to tell me she no longer wanted to be with me, she can have the strength to tell me differently if she ever so choose to do so. i cannot allow myself to "wonder" what a person means by this action or that action.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Dec 18 is a day that will forever be with me. It was Dec 18, 1997 that I was served papers for the divorce from Dawn. Dec 18 2003, my first day at Don Davis Nissan. it is also the day that is exactly 10 weeks from the day i took off from ben franklin to try to talk tam out of doing what she has done. so this day will be with me forever. but maybe it is the ending of a cycle of discover for me. i have learned so much in the past 6 years, about life, love, and how to socialize with others. so maybe by me starting at don davis on the anniversary of painful time is signalizing the end of a period and the beginning of a new and better period of my life. i am going to do whatever it takes to be happy because it is hard to know what life has in store for me. and that includes learning from my mistakes and continuing on my quest to be the best person i can hope to be. to not give up on those i love, no matter how much they may have hurt me, or will hurt me in the future. i choose to love them, it is not something they allow me to do, so i will continue to love them, so that someday they may realize that love and they will choose to love me once again.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." "If we do not rise to the challenge of our unique capacity to shape our lives, to seek the kinds of growth that we find individually fulfilling, then we can have no security: we will live in a world of sham, in which our selves are determined by the will of others, in which we will be constantly buffeted and increasingly isolated by the changes round us." I take it as a challenge and as a matter of personal pride that whenever something happens to me in life, I work hard to seek out the answer as to how I can grow, what I can learn from the experience. I have learned much about myself and others over the past few months, and right now my challenge has been to recognize that not everyone sees things as I do, or reacts to them as I would. I have learned that no matter what the circumstances, we should not give up, we should not lose hope. We have to communicate our feelings and thoughts, and negotiate satisfactory compromises and boundaries in our relationships. My pain comes, not from the surface issues or even from the fact we did not communicate very well, no the pain comes from Tam just deciding it was not going to change without even trying. That hurts more than any other single or collective thing, she just made a decision without even discussing with me what she was feeling and trying to correct it. She told me, quote "I just don't see it changing", but how can a person make such a decision when they didn't even try? I will never understand how a person can just say, this is not working for me so lets end it. Good grief, of course it is not going to work if you don't communicate your feelings. And she knows this to be true. I am hurt because my love for her, my desire to spend my life with her, was not enough. Something was missing and I just don't have a clue what it is. Of course relationships change, evolve, grow as time passes and you are together for longer periods of time. They are supposed to. But you are not supposed to lose sight of what you loved about that person to begin with. I think she did lose sight. She was so concerned about Jessica coming to visit me. Hey, I understand her position, but I guess again she just did not love me enough to overcome any other obstacles. I chose her as my wife, I took the vow, and I forsake all others to be with her. I will support my daughter, I will visit her, even if I was still living in RC. But unless my wife was comfortable with my daughter being there, my daughter was not going to be there. My daughter threatened her, my daughter is not stable, and that is why she is where she is. If my wife is not comfortable with my daughter coming for a summer visit, then my daughter does not come. I am not even comfortable with my daugther coming for a weekend visit to see me right now. I just do not trust her to not run away and hang out with old friends or get into trouble, so I think Tam was worried about things she had no reason to worry about. Let's face it, Jessica is not coming for a visit any time soon, so to worry about it is to put energy into something that was/is not going to happen. All I was doing was a little out loud daydreaming. I know my daughter was not coming, but Tam did not allow me just a small pleasure of daydreaming. She says, "I think you should go to Arkansas and help raise your daughter", well that was not her choice to make. There is not enough work in Arkansas for me to make a living. Besides, I have a life to live also and that is not where I wanted to be. I wanted to be wherever my wife was. I loved it in RC, but if Tam wanted to be in TX, then that is where I wanted to be. If she wanted to live in Antartica, that is where I wanted to be. To forsake all others, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. I thought those words were supposed to mean something, that we were supposed to find a way, a solution, a compromise to any and all things that come up. I guess I was wrong. Why do we take those vows if we are not prepared to honor them? If you marry and he/she is abusive, by all means end it. But if you are 2 people that love each other beyond belief, if you are so wonderful as a team, then why can you not find the answers together? Why can't you at least TRY? I am sure Tammi feels she tried, but if she looks deep, I think she will discover she did not even begin to try. She never sat me down and just laid it all out, without the threat of ending the relationship. She never said, "I know you have issues about this or that, but this is what I think we should do about this." I never got to hear what she thought about it. And you know what? That is Alton's doing. He burned her, he never listened to her, so when it came time to express her issues, she just lumped me in with him and decided on her own, without even giving us a chance to work toward a solution, a compromise, that it was never going to work. That hurts alot. Compromising with her on issues is NOT the same as "kissing her ass", it is giving a little ground for the overall good of the relationship. I talk about her guilt over how Laura's attitudes reflect alot of Alton, but I too feel immensely guilty. I have a tremendous guilt about my daughters attitudes. I feel completely responsible for Jess's attitude. But I also know I tried to be a good father, I know it is not all my fault, and I know that at some point Jess too has to be held accountable for her actions. I beat myself up wondering, did I abandon her? Could I have done things differently when she was younger? But I cannot dwell on what has passed, just focus on that which is right now, in front of me. Tom is is not her flesh and blood, so he does not see her the way I do. Jess does have a heart, but for some reason she is very angry with the world and all those in it and she is beyond what I can do for her. One of the things I have learned and maybe this is the biggest but hardest to learn is maybe Tam just is not capable of learning to communicate with me. I took that for granted, that she would after the amount of time she was with me, that she would know how to communicate with me. If I knew 6 months ago what I know now, I would not even be writing about her doing a better job of communicating with me, I would simply be communicating with her in a different manner. At the time I wanted to be met halfway, but now I realize that not everyone can look at something from a different angle, think outside of the box, see the bigger picture. I would have still had my concerns, I just would have approached them in a different manner. At the time I felt Tam just did not care about my feelings, but now I see it, not as a matter of her not caring, but that she either did not know how to communicate her feelings with me, or did not realize just what she was feeling. Had I known/realized this, I would have used a much softer, more subtle approach to communicating with her about my concerns on various topics. So we failed each other. I failed in not recognizing her pain, not seeing her struggle to tell me what/how she was feeling, and she failed me in not believing in me enough to tell me what she was feeling, not having enough faith in my love and support for her to compromise, to listen to her concerns. I guess she just did not realize or believe in the depth of my desire to be with her enough that I would work with her, not against her, to solve anything that came our way. She was wrong about me, my love for her, and the strength of my spirit. I love her, forever and always.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." "It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them." - Pierre Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais, French author and dramatist (1732-1799). While I don't understand why Tam gave up, rather than be strong and fight for our relationship, I will always argue that we should never give up on what we had.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Happiness is such a fleeting and fickle concept. I should be happy right now, what, after being unemployed for 2 months and now having a job, one that is turning out to be pretty easy because I know exactly what I am doing and I am pretty good at it. Not having to be the one under the stress, and not having to work lots and lots of hours. Ok, working every saturday for 9 1/2 hrs is not the best thing, but i still get 2 days off in a row, have a short workday every friday, so why am I not happy? Because every moment of every day working at Don Davis Nissan is a reminder of exactly why I am there. Because someone I loved so dearly decided I was no longer worthy of their love. What do I have to do in this life to be loved by someone unconditionally? I mean, we may have disagreed on the course of action on issues, but why did she not love me enough to try to work it out? I hurt so badly, I am sad and depressed because even in finding a job, I have no one to celebrate the moment with. It is just another reminder that a part of my life, a part I was enjoying more than at any other time in my life, is over. I am moving on, this is progress. I have bills to catch up on, child support to pay, things to get from rc, and to find someplace to live. and along the way, I will spoil myself just once with a camera that i want. but no matter what i do or how i recover, i am still alone. i miss her. my heart aches to hear from her, to talk to her, to touch her, to love her. my love is all bottled up inside and it has no way to get out because she will not allow me to love her any longer. all that i focus on now is working, so i can purchase the camera i wish to have and go on day trips every sunday. i want to go somewheres, anywheres, take pictures, come back and on my mondays off, while i do chores, upload the pictures and write about where i went and what i did. not for now, but so later in life myself and others can read about where i went and what i did. it is important to me to do this. i am not happy about finding job, i am relieved that i found one. it no longer matters to me where i work or what i do, just so long as i make some money. what matters to me is trying to get on with my life, doing the things i like to do. i hope to go on a picnic soon, i feel the weather will warm up in late february enough to do so. i will have the camera by then and will be going on many such adventures. but for now, it is still just a dream. i read an article about believing in things, any and all things. i no longer believe in happiness for me, if i can just become content then that will have to be enough. i have come close to happiness, but now i know it will forever be an unachievable "thing" for me. work, shoot pics, and write, read a few books, and listen to a little music. and once in a while, think back to a time when i was happy, sharing my life with someone that made me laugh beyond my wildest dreams, wondering how she is doing and is she happy? this will be my life, my destiny. i hurt.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Well, it finally happened! I have a job! Tuesday was a good day. First, I received and email from Tina that she will be coming here this weekend and would like to visit. Second, I received a Christmas card from someone I have not seen in more than 4 years. Third, I received a phone call from Citifinancial, but the reasone that is good, is I can get caught up with them for only $34, so that bill will not get any further behind. And then of course the fourth thing was Bruce calling me and telling me I had the job. On Wednesday, he called to tell me I was all set for orientation on Thursday morning. Orientation was only about an hour long, and then I went to work. Bruce was in meetings all day so I just worked with Kris, she is the warranty clerk, getting my feet wet with the terminology and the procedures. This job is going to be easy, as there are 3 people doing the same job I used to do by myself. Book some tickets, talk to some customers, handle some paperwork. Compared to all I had to do at Bankston, this will be a breeze. I am not going to let on the rest of the staff all that I know how to do. Bruce of course knows what I am capable of, but I do not want to step on any toes or make anyone uncomfortable with my presence. I just want to go to work, do my job, and then come home. My schedule will most likely be 10-7 Tues-Fri and 9-5 on Saturday. While I wish it was not every Saturday, I will have Sun & Mon off every week,so that will be pretty good too. I know at some point down the road, Bruce will make me salary and I will earn more money and work more hours but we gotta do what we gotta do. I still have not received any money from Steve for the washer and dryer. I am beginning to think he has no intention of paying for them and I will just have to write it off as another lesson in life. I really figured he would have sent me $20 or so by now, I told him anything would be ok right now. I would like to believe he is not the type of person to just keep them and not pay for them, that him and Tam are better than that. But what else can I believe when I have not even had an email from him in more than a month. Oh well, if some money shows up, it does, and if not, it doesn't. I will just have been reminded that people are not always what the seem to be. Right now I am just so happy to be working. I work close to Grand Prairie (15 min drive), I make enough to get my bills paid and to eventually get my own place, even with Dawn getting her cut for child support, and it is doing something that I know how to do, without having to kill myself. I had held off seeking this out because I did not want to go back to all that stress, but at least for the time being, this will be a walk in the park. Cried over Tam last night, this was a joyous day for me and I had no one to share it with. I mean, I have mom and dad, but that is not what I meant. The postcard was from Bethany, I mean that was out of know wheres! Wrote her a quick note saying hi, good to hear from her, call me if she would like to go out for a cup of coffee. Don't know if she will or not, but there is the invitation if she wants to. Tam, I just don't know about her. I understand why this all happened and my only wish now is for her to come to grips with things, let go of her past (alton), and move forward. With or without me, if she does not do those things, she will never truly be happy, regardless of what she thinks or believes. It is easy to ignore that which you don't want to deal with, but it won't go away. By sending me away, she did not have to deal with the guilt of staying with Alton all those years and therefore Laura having the personality that she does, the attitudes. But as long as she does not deal with that guilt, and resolve it, get rid of it, it will be there and she will forever have problems concerning it. I only wish I had realized just how bad it was affecting her and I could have taken a different approach to how I communicated my feelings. But I can no longer have regrets about this, because the one thing that I did try to do and she did not, is work it out. express these feelings, discuss how they were affecting us, and find a solution. There was the difference I guess, I loved her enough to want to find an answer, she did not love me enough to want to find an answer. and that hurts.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I believe it is so possible to find forgiveness, BOTH (key word) for yourself and for your ex. You are both human, and humans make mistakes. Right? You messed up, your ex messed up. So what! Are we not all far from perfect entities? Yes, you can find forgiveness, but forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that what you are saying is that it was 'okay' that they hurt you/cheated on you/beat you - or whatever. It is just saying that you forgive them for that because they are only human and humans make mistakes. What most distinguishes us from other animals are - unfortunately - greed, lust, pride, and the uncanny ability to reason and rationalize everything we do to satisfy our wants (often mistaken as needs). So, yes, it is very possible to find forgiveness to someone who has wronged you, and for yourself, too...without saying that what they did (or you did) is 'okay'. Secondly, it is very hard to find forgiveness without first finding acceptance. Acceptance is in realizing that you and others have the 'right' to be who they are, and to want what they want. Even if it goes against your wishes, wants, and desires - they still have the right to pursue their own course in their own life. Peace comes when you accept that they have the right to do just that. But, now anger - anger has a way of growing in you like a demon and undermining all your well-meaning efforts to forgive and accept - and move on. Anger is usually the first emotional expression of grief. It simply means you are grieving a situation's or person's control over you. If you experience a loss through death you may get angry at God for stealing control over your desire to keep the loved one with you. If you experienced a divorce because of infidelity you may get angry for your lack of control over the situation. Anger is a perfectly normal, acceptable, and welcomed part of the grieving process. It would be absolutely ridiculous to believe you shouldn't be angry about a failed relationship. You worked hard at your relationship, gave it so much time, accepted it into your life as a very special part of it. Sometimes, when we feel consumed by anger that seems to be centered at someone else, it really is misdirected anger at ourselves. Such as the woman who is angry at her abusive husband. Could it be misdirected anger at herself for not finding the strength, willpower, and courage to cut free of him? Could she be angry at herself for allowing him to steal her dignity and self-esteem? These are angry emotions that can be misdirected to another source. They don't benefit you at all. They don't incite you into action, or release injustices. They just burn hate into your very heart and soul, consuming your inner peace and joy. This rings very true with me. Since this has started, I have been angry with Tammi for doing this. But after reading this quote, and thinking about it, it is not her that I am angry with, it is me. I am angry because I let some things get to me, I am angry because I did not find a better way to communicate how and why those things were bothering me. I am angry for not recoginizing just how difficult it was for Tam to express her feelings to me. This whole situation was created because two people that loved each other just did not know how to communicate their feelings to each other very well. It was easy to tell each other the good parts, how we loved being together, doing things together. But when it came to communicate about negative issues, we just could not do it. Hindsight is 20/20, but unfortunately, Tam reached a point where she just decided it was better to not be together than try to work it out. I now know that I gave the impression, not just to her, but to everyone around me, that I had no inclincation to compromise on issues. That is what I am so angry about, so angry with myself. All I can do at this point is turn that anger into a positive by learning how to communicate better without giving that impression. And someday, if I am so fortunate, Tam might figure this out, maybe she will read what I have written and realize that I can learn, that she and I can communicate and compromise on issues and that we are worth a 2nd chance at happiness together. Every day of our lives, we make choices and compromises, I do not want her to compromise what she needs for her personal happiness just to satisfy my desire to spend my life with her. I am accepting her as she is and setting her free in the hope that someday she will realize that we were right for each other, that the way we interacted, the way made each other laugh, is because we fit togehter. I do not want her to love me because I cook dinner for her, or because I ride a bike so she does not have wait on me. I do those things because I love her, not so that she will love me. I cannot make her love me, I can only offer her unconditional love. What I do know is, my love is still here for her, waiting for her. It will never die, it will never falter or diminish. It is with this acceptance that I will continue on with my life, and if I am ever fortunate enough to see her again, I will openly express it. I now realize it is ok to let her go, I knew this before but did not really practice it or believe it. It is something I must do, hence the saying "If you love someone, set them free, If they do not come back, it was not meant to be". Well, I am letting her go so that she may find whatever it is she needs to find in her life to be happy. I just want her to know, if she ever feels down, or lonely, there is someone out there that loves her.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." " A fourth aspect of this affirmation principle is infatuation - called "Eros" (in Greek "erotas") or "falling in love". In this case there is a mutual (occasionally only one-sided) infatuation on the physical, sexual, emotional and sometimes mental level. This is a special attraction between two persons who excite, bring joy to and stimulate each other positively. This positive stimulation often has to do with the needs for security, pleasure and affirmation. This intensity of these feelings seldom lasts more than a few years. The couple then has the possibility of transforming their "Eros" into a steady form of unconditional love, or facing the sadness of conflict and / or separation. Sooner or later, we will come face to face with the other's various negative aspects, and if we cannot love them as they are, the relationship suffers. Until we are able to love unconditionally, we will be unhappy, insecure and frequently in conflict with those around us. We will be able to do this only when we have matured sufficiently so as to experience inner security, inner satisfaction, inner freedom and a steady feeling of self-worth. In other words, we can love purely only those who we do not need. When we need others, we cannot love them unconditionally. This might be difficult to comprehend at first, but deep thought and observation will prove it to be true. Being able to love without conditions is a basic prerequisite for both a happy life and spiritual evolution. quite possibly this is what happened to Tammi. When we met she was coming out of 20 yrs of bad relationships. She "needed" someone that would care for her, take care of her as she had tried to care for others. I was that person. But possibly what happened was she reached a level where she did not "need" me any longer and she did not feel that love for me as she once did. Unconditional love is to love without needing, according to this site. I, to, felt a need from her, a need to be loved, to be accepted by someone just as I am. Either she could not accept me as I am once she moved out of her "needful" state, or she lost sight of just who I am. Following the doctrine laid out in this site, I must release my need for her to achieve an unconditional love for her. And I think I am doing this. I have posted quite alot here professing my love for her, my desire to be with her. I also know that I will go on without her, even though that is not what I want. I do have unconditional love for her, simply because I am letting her go. I do not think that means I will not hurt over her doing this, but having recognized her need for her independence, her need to find her way on her own, I left, I released her. I miss her and I do hope she someday finds this site so that she may think about unconditional love for me. What I am confused by, or rather just dont have an answer for, is "does she love me, just felt she could not live with me, could not believe that I was strong enough to compromise my feelings on certain issues?", or is it really true that she took a look at me and decided that in fact she really did not love me, that she never truly loved me, she just thought she did because of her emotional needs at the time we met? These are questions I cannot answer, only she can answe them. She told me she was happy with who she was, well I was too, I was perfectly happy with who she was, I just wanted her and I to communicate better our feelings and positions on issues. If I could go back in time, I would have tried differently to communicate my positions on issues. I think I could have done a better job at doing that. But did it have to end just to figure this out? How could I have better shown her that just because I had an issue with something, that did not mean I was not willing to communicate it? I, too, am happy with who I am, but that does not mean I cannot learn new or different ways of doing things.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Just found this site that really gets down to what love is and is not. Now we all have our own definitions of what it is to love someone, but as best as it can be put in words, this site does that. I recommend it to anyone that has loved, is loving, or thinks they will love someone.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." "Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you will never, ever get it out." Thomas Cardinal Wolsey (1471-1530) I have Tam in my head, and I will never be able to get her or my feelings for her out.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I am sitting here this morning, crying over Tammi once again. I keep telling myself she no longer loves me in the hope that it will sink in and I will believe it and somehow move forward with my thoughts. I got a tip from a persons blog about a song called "Moments in Love" by Art of Noise. It is a very sensual song, the kind you would listen to with your loved one with the lights dimmed down, just holding each other and loving them. Tammi would love this song, and the is precisely why I am crying, because it makes me think of her. I love her so much and because she no longer loves me it is so difficult. To love someone with all your heart and soul, to want no other, and to be sent away, to have to accept that which you do not want to accept is probably the most difficult thing a person can have to do. Not to take away anything from anyone who has had a loved one die, but there is a finality to the death of a loved one. But to know she is out there, somewhere, possibly loving another, possibly not, but still out there, laughing, joking, and to no longer be a part of that. It is a horrible feeling. To want her, to desire her, to touch her, but not be able to because you and all you have to give are no longer wanted. I cannot help it when the tears come, and I do nothing to try to stop them, to deny my feelings for her. I have never been one to hide how I feel, and I will not do that now. Tammi was my perfect soulmate and I think I would rather be alone forever, live in my memories of being with her, than try to replace that which can never be replaced. I will go on with my life, I have no other choice. But I will miss her, I will miss her smile, the way her eyes lit up whenever she saw me. I will miss how she told me her dinner was so good, I will miss her holding me, kissing me, how she loved me to rub her shoulders or her legs. I will miss how she said "hey bugger" whenever I came to her work. I do not know why I must lose these things. What God's plan is for me. What purpose there is in doing these things. I have searched so hard these past few months for answers, and I have discovered so many things, things I am working so hard to put into my life. And while they will and have made me a better person, I only wish they would help me in being a better husband to Tammi. I want the joy of falling in love again, but only if it is with Tammi. I want her to fall in love with me all over again. I want the joy I felt those first few months we were together, discovering how much we loved each other, how we made each other felt. (Bonnie Raitt is playing now, she has beautiful love songs too, I Can't make you love me is on).I can't make her love me anymore, I can only continue to try to do what I promised, to become a better human, and hope and pray that someday she falls in love with me again. That she will remember the moments we shared and that they far out weighed our differences in issues. That she too, will want to feel those moments once again. I will forever LOVE you Tammi, and I will pray that someday you will love me again. I will never have the answer as to how Alton was able to convince her to try again, I am just not that kind of smooth talker. I wish I was, but because I am not him, I work to become a better person, to grow as a human so that I can become the husband she once loved and could continue to love, if only she would give our relationship another chance. Not give me a 2nd chance, give us a 2nd chance. I have to be strong because I have no other choice. Celine Dion "It's all coming back to me" is on, and it is so true, everytime I try to forget, to move forward, It all comes back to me, her touch, her smile. The way she kissed me, held me, carried me when I was down, held me when she was down. The way she made me LAUGH, LAUGH LIKE NO OTHER EVER DID OR EVER WILL!!!! I cannot help it.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." This morning as my mother was cooking us eggs for breakfast on the flat griddle, i told her she did not have to flip mine. she has always flipped the eggs but alot of the time she would break them and get angry and use alot of colorful language. after i had grown up and move out on my own, i swore i would find other ways of doing things rather than put myself in positions to get upset about things. so i learned how to cook them sunny side up, meaning i dont flip mine. well mine were a bit runny this morning and she said she would not let me cook her eggs for her. i asked her "did she think i would cook hers like mine, even though i know she does not like them the way i do?" and she said "well yeah". i told her i knew she did not like them like that and i would cook them her way. and that is when it occured to me that maybe i give off the impression that i only do things my way, that i am not capable of compromise. i mean, if my own mother who has known me all my life thinks that i am not capable of doing things other ways than how i do them, then how can i expect others that have known me for a much less amount of time to think? i have never thought about this before because i have always thought i had made it clear that just because i think something should be done a certain way does not mean i wont do it differently when it is for another person. it made me look at myself and ask how can i get it across to others that i am perfectly willing and capable of doing things how others want things to be done, even when i dont agree with it? is it so wrong to voice your opinion about something without them thinking you are not standing behind them or supporting them? it just made me think and to possibly understand how tammi could have possibly thought i was not willing to compromise on issues. she felt there was no reason to try to compromise because i gave off the impression that there was no compromise in me. that is just not true, but because of my being headstrong and opinionated, i guess she could not see that i can. this is another lesson to learn in the dealing with others. why would my mother think i would cook her food my way, instead of cooking it her way? why would tammi not think i was fully able and willing to compromise on issues, instead thinking there was no compromise in me? i guess i still have much to learn in dealing with others. i have spent the better part of my adult life alone and therefore making all the decisions based upon what i want and how i think it should be done. and even though i always asked tammi's opinion on issues, i am now feeling as though she thought, why disagree with him, he is still going to do as he wants, rather than giving it a try. she may never read this or understand that i am still learning about CNC, but today i learned something about me that i feel is a very valuable lesson. today is a turning point in my life, because i do not want people to have the opinion of me that i am not capable of listening to other points of view, that i am not capable of compromise and negotiation. this i will work on, i will use "creative thinking" to learn how to communicate better. i do not have to win every argument and everything does not have to be done my way. there are many ways to do things. i just want to be able to voice my opinion, hear other opinions and we all communicate to negotiate a mutual compromise. i wish i could tell her about this. i wish she would take a chance that the one thing i will always do is try. she said she just didnt see things changing, but they can and have. they could have without her doing this, i believe, but she did it, and i have learned anyways. i promised her i would. all i want is for our marriage to have a second chance, to prove to her i am who i say i am, that i am not alton or marty or anyone else. I am Paul Dewayne Titsworth, imperfect human, imperfect father, imperfect husband, but i am also someone that wants to succeed at those things, that wants to learn to be a better human, father, husband.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Today I took another step towards getting past this awful time and returning to feeling good about where my life is headed. I joined 3 groups on MSN. These are not romance or heartbreak groups. These are groups for photography hobbyist's. One of them is dedicated to only digital photography and the other two for photography in general. I also hope to find a local club in Grand Prairie or Arlington to also join. I feel it is really important at this time of my life to make some friends and go do things with them without regard to personal relationships. I need to stop fooling myself. I am still in love with Tammi and will remain so for who knows how long. The last thing I need to be concerned with is finding a partner. As far as I am concerned she is the only one for me and I am better off just leaving it at that. But I do want some human interaction and since I am passionate about my photography, this is a solid step in the right direction. I am very confident I will be working for Bruce within the next week to ten days, and once I start receiving a paycheck, I will be in a much better position, both mentally and financially, to interact with others. I know that alot of clubs organize trips to different places to shoot pictures, so that will also fall right into my plans. I have come to the conclusion that she was correct, she just didn't love me enough, although she had me fooled pretty good on that. I look at Tom and Tina, and with all of their struggles, they are still together, toughing it out. Tom deals with my daughter because he loves Tina enough that he is willing to deal with whatever he has to to be with his wife. I once again am faced with the reality that no matter what kind of man I am, I was not loved enough that nothing else was more important than us, that nothing else was not insurmountable. I have loved people enough that I had that attitude, that anything could be worked out, but maybe it ust isn't for me to be loved by another. I do not have the answer to that question, but for the time being I will just focus on myself. For the first time in 16 years, it will be all about me. I will visit my daughter, show her I love her, but her mother and I cannot control her, she needs more than we can give. I will support her, and do my best to help her. But for now, it will be about me, and what I want out of the rest of my life. This has been a difficult period of my life, but I must press forward, put as much time between my and the events of this past 2 months as I can. Only then can I start to heal. I am tired, tired of trying so hard do the right things, of putting my trust and heart in other peoples hands, only to have the handed back to me, torn and beaten down. I need for that to stop. It must stop.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I thought this a good time to list my goals for my future. Whether this is what truly happens I have no way of knowing. 2 weeks: I wish to be working with my old boss, Bruce. 6 months: I want to be in a position to return to Rapid City to retreive my belongings. I also think that by this time if Tammi and I have not reconciled a divorce should be final so that we may move on with our lives. 7 months: I want to be able to move into my own apartment. With my credit history I feel I will need to save up 3 months rent upon move-in. 1 year: I want to have most of my bills caught up or paid off. 3 years: I would like to be in a frame of mind to pursue a long term relationship with someone. Of course just being in a frame of mind does not guarantee I will meet someone. But I think this will be long enough to be able to recover from heartache and possibly allow myself to trust someone with my heart once again. 15 years: I want to be able to move somewheres (Rapid City?) where I plan to spend the remainder of my life. These are modest goals and of course are subject to change, but at this time this is the plan I have set out before me. Even the best laid plans can be changed without a moments notice. I should know, I had my life laid out before me and Tammi took it all away in a split second.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." this is the question i dont think i can ever answer. but i am going to try to stop hurting myself. i am still going through the different stages of this breakup. pain, anger, apathy, depression. i post an ad, and then delete. i post it, not to truly try to meet someone, there is no way i am really ready for that. but i get into that anger stage and think, "fine, if she doesn't want me, someone else will", and i know that to be true. i mean, i met her and she met me, she wanted me and i wanted her, so there can be others. but i keep going through this. i meet someone, fall in love with them, TRUST THEM, and then they end up hurting me. while i am not a perfect guy, it is not all my fault. i am good to them. it is funny, as they walk out of my life, they keep telling me what a great guy i am, what a good, caring, kind man. so if i am such a good, caring, kind man, why do the not want me anymore? do they want someone that hurts them like they were before? do they just not allow themselves to believe i am for real? it pisses me off to love them so much, to want to do for them, only to have them not keep their promise! it makes me mad because i allow myself to love them only to get burned. i think this will be the end of my search for true love. i had ended that once before only to be found by tam. yes, i had my ad on yahoo, that is how she found me, but i had reached the conclusion there were alot of women out there that just wanted some companionship with no strings attached and i was going to be content with that. and then she comes along and steals my heart. i cannot allow that to happen ever again. it hurts too much to love them, to plan a life with them, only to have them walk out on me because they have been burned so many times before that they cannot believe i am for real. listen to me, i am going to be as they are. they got burned so the cannot allow themselves to believe in me, and because of that i can no longer allow myself to believe in anyone else. better off alone, taking my pictures and writing about what I did, what I alone did, rather than writing about a wonderful experience like Tam and I had at Mt. Rushmore and Sylvan Lake, rather than the experiecne Dawn and I had a Mineral Wells State Park, or what Bethany and I had shooting pictures at the horse sculpture. No, all I get left with is memories of wonderful times, but they are tainted and I dont want to remember them because at the end of the memory is the reminder that they are not with me anymore. That they could not find it within themselves to believe in me. That hurts more than anything. The more I work to earn their faith in me, the more they back away. I guess that should be the lesson here, don't try so hard, but that is WHO I AM, and I like who I am, so I am not going to change that. I will always try my best for whoever I am around, whether it is my parents, a woman I love, or my daughter. It is who I am. Because I try my best, I have searched my soul and my mind and that is how I discovered CNC and I will continue to practice that, almost like a religion.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." "There's opportunity in every obstacle. One chapter ends and another begins. You could be doing her (in my case, him) a favor." As much as I love Tam, and want to reconcile, to work out our marriage, possibly she is doing me a favor. No, she did do me a favor, as I have learned about CNC. If only she could see that I have done what she thought not possible, that some people can grow and learn. That their love for another is strong enough they will do whatever it takes to improve themselves. Quite possibly, there is something more out there for me, something that I have yet to realize. At this moment, I cannot understand how something could be more wonderful than spending my life with her, but I also must remain ever hopeful of what may just lie around the bend in the road. Until the time comes when I have been able to put her in the past, if that is to be my fate, I will remain hopeful. I have read many posts in the groups where the one in Tam's shoes (the one doing the sending away) have returned much later, 6 months, a year after the breakup. I do not want to have false hope, and even if she were to contact me at this moment and still tell me she longer wants the life we had, no longer wants to be with me, she nor anyone else can say how they will feel in the future. Just as there was a time when she could not see being without me, I know there may be a time when she again wants to be with me. All through recorded history, people have done things that they have looked back upon and wished they had not done. Some go back and try to reclaim that which they gave away, others, whether due to pride or guilt, do not. I will forever remain hopeful that if that time should come to her, she will not let those negative emotions stand in her way of contacting me. You can never know the outcome of something if you do not take action. I am aware that my writings here may be just fanciful wishes for something that I want, but I will keep wishing, sometimes wishes do come true. Sometimes they do not. My wish to meet somone like Tam came true once upon a time, possibly my wish to meet her again will come true again.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Well, it was 9 weeks yesterday that Tammi told me she no longer wanted to be married to me. 9 weeks since she decided not to have faith in me. This was not about love, she told me "I guess I don't love you enough". Well, I guess she didn't since she lacked enough faith in me to believe WE could grow in our relationship. That was the last thing she should have done, is tell me I could NOT do something. She was right, she was being just like Dawn. And just like with Dawn, I proved Tammi wrong too. I have never said I know all the answers. I just know I can find the answers. When Dawn doubted me, I searched out who I was and learned that I had to communicate to solve issues. Now, because of Tammi's actions, I have not only relearned that, but that communication is just part of the equation. Not only must you communicate (which I felt I was doing, by expressing my feelings on issues) but you must also negotiate a compromise to the situations. That is what we did not do. I communicated how I was feeling, Tam I believe, did not. But to take it a step further, because we did not communicate with each other, there was no way to negotiate a compromise that would have met both of our needs. 9 weeks, it now seems like a lifetime. What were memories where I could still feel her touch, now it seems more like remembering a movie I had watched, rather than something I actually experienced. I still have my moments, but they are becoming farther and farther apart, and I feel them for less and less amounts of time. There is much heartache and pain out there in this world, and I feel I have experienced as much of it as I want to. I am keeping a positive attitude, it would be easy to feel like all that has happened to me is a punishment. I choose to believe that all this is happening for a good reason. That it is to prepare me for something even better. I still want to work out my marriage, I want the opportunity to take what I feel I have learned and apply it to my marriage. But that choice is not mine. I don't know if I too am just a distant memory for Tammi, or if she does miss me, miss my touch, my love. Only time for her will give the answer to that. It has been a month or so since my last contact with her, and because she has not contacted me, I go forth with the belief that this is what she wants, that what we had, in her words, no longer interests her. If I ever have the chance to work things out with her, the only promise I could make, the same I made to her before, is to do my best. I have learned, I promised her I would, but again, at a great personal cost. She is the love of my life, I am quite sure that wherever I go, whoever I meet, it will never be quite as good as it was with her. Collette, Dawn, Bethany, all women I have had feelings for over the years, but the joy, the love I had and felt was never near as strong or deep as what I gave and received with Tammi. I don't know if it is true, that we only have one true love in our lifetimes, but I feel it will never be anything near as what I had with Tammi. For one thing, I don't think I can ever give my heart quite like I did to her. Maybe it is just what I am feeling right now, but the way we played, the way we shared our lives, I just don't know. All I do know is that I loved the things we did, the picnics, the garage sales, going to the lake or the mountains, and that is something I will keep with me forever. And that means Tammi will forever be a part of me, of who and what I am. I promised her I would be a better person for knowing her and for her doing this to me. I am keeping that promise on a daily basis. CNC. That is my life motto now. It is how I approach my daily life, with fellow employees, customers, friends, and of course a companion, if I am fortunate to find another one. I don't know if she ever reads what I post here, but maybe someday she will, and no matter where we are in our lives, she will think back to our time together and realize just how deep my feelings for her are. And they will always be there. I am not angry anymore, just saddened, that I was lumped in there with the Altons and Martys of the world, instead of being looked at as the person I am. Someone that cares enough about those he loves that he is not afraid to look at himself, to ask himself, what can I do to grow, to handle a situation differently? Not everyone is capable of doing that, that is the reason I think she would not allow herself to believe I could do it. So many times people had promised her they would and she had just been burned by them. When enough promises are broken, a person just give up believing. It is hard, to look at yourself in the mirror and admit to yourself your faults, your insecurities. I am a confident person, but I don't have all the answers, but I try to find them. I do not think I will find the answer to having Tammi open her heart up to me again, but the best I could do towards that end, was to look at myself, ask what can I learn, what can I change? so that maybe this will not happen again. It has been said there are no problems, only opportunities. Well, I took this as an opportunity to improve myself, to grow as a man, a human. It is also said it is not what comes your way, but how you react to what has come your way. Again, I took this as a way to improve myself. It would have been easy to just say, "there is nothing wrong with me, I don't have to change a thing". But that would have been the easy way out. We all have room for improvement in our lives, whether it is exercising, eating right, or improving how we interact with others. My relationship with my parents has improved so much, I get along with them so good now, it is almost scary. When I first got here, those first couple of weeks were very difficult. But over the past several weeks, as I have worked on my interaction with others, I get along so good with them now. Dad no longer puts me down, Mom is alot of fun to be around, and it is not anything they are doing different, it is how I am interacting with them. I no longer have these expectations that people should do things the way I do them. I no longer try to impart my way of doing things on them. I do things my way, but only when it is my choice. I communicate with them, and when the situation warrants it, try to negotiate a mutually beneficial compromise. I want this to become second nature to me, I want to become the kind of person I always dreamed of being. Will that help me in my hope to reconcile with Tammi? I don't know, as I said, that is not up to me. All I can do is become the best person I can be, and then let fate, and my path that is laid out before me decide the rest. I do hope our paths in life will merge once again, but I cannot worry about what I cannot control. My destiny is not completely in my hands, I can only prepare myself for whatever comes my way.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." have been spilling my heart and life to Kathy, another friend from my groups. We have decided we are the King and Queen of being saps. we both had fallen in love with people that we thought were sent by God to be with us, and both of us have been dumped. not for the same reasons, but nevertheless, we are hurting and we are angry with those that hurt us for allowing us to love them and then to just quit on us, whatever their reasons were. I will continue to practice CNC, the more i think about it, the more i feel it is the key to all successful relationships and that goes for work, love, parents, kids, everything in life. I am also am a believer in reflective answering, it is something i learned in marriage counseling from 6 yrs ago. what i do know is when tam and i got together, i distinclty remember telling her to not be afraid to communicate what was on her mind to me, but yet she still did not do that. my hurt and anger and frustation is actually turning away from her lack of communicating with me, and turning more towards her lacking faith in me and my ability to grown, to negotiate and compromise. i never have had to have things my way, but if you do not communicate with me, how am i then supposed to negotiate a compromise to the issues. our breakup is not about love or lack thereof, i know that if she no longer loves me, she did when we seperated. it does not end just like that. i forgive her for not communicating, i forgive her for sending me away (if not for that, i might not have learned CNC) and i will forgive her for her lack of faith in me. i know that someday, something will happen, and she will look back with a new realization about me, that i am capable of growth, negotiation, and compromise. i am a better man, and will be a better companion/partner for someone because of knowing her. i wish it were her, but if not, for someone.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." "Part of being a champ is acting like a champ. You have to learn how to win and not run away when you lose. Everyone has bad stretches and real successes. Either way, you have to be careful not to lose your confidence or get too confident." I am a champ, and i will not run away anymore just because i have lost tammi. i was a good husband to her and i will continue to work at being a good human being.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I call this the CNC rule, and I will do my best to apply it everywheres in my life. CNC= Communicate, Negotiate, Compromise. Here it is, Wed morning, and I still have not heard from Bruce. I hope he calls today, I sure need to get to work. Chatted with Gini today, she lives in Belgium. Met her online in our group, heartsonthemend. she too is going through a tough time with a man she loves dearly. i find it both interesting and somewhat of a comfort, that feelings of love, pain, rejection, they have no age limit. while i dont want to ever hurt again as i have been doing these past 2 months, at least i know i will never be too old to fall in love or enjoy the touch of someone that loves me. i miss tam very much, and i am doing my best to move on, but it is hard. part of me wishes her all the best, while part of me wants her to hurt a little, just enough that she might remember all that was good in our relationship and figure out those 3 elements i have found to be what i think is the key to a lasting relationship. once again they are: 1) communication. you must start with communication or the next 2 will never take place 2) negotiation. whatever the issue, you cannot argue about it. you must negotiate to find a resolution. 3) compromise. once you have communicated the issues at hand, in order to negotiate a solution there must be compromise, on both sides. i write this tuff here because i truly believe this is what cost me my marriage to tammi. i never want to forget these things, so i will continue to write them, to read them, to practice them so i never, ever have to go through this again. i practice them in my daily life right now, with my parents. i truly believe if i can make it a good habit, then someday, with tam or somebody else, i will be better prepared to handle anything that comes up. i like to think i tried to do this with tam this past summer, and i feel i partially did, but i also feel she did not, and therefore we did not do enough. if i had felt this way, i could have taken the lead and done a better job of it. i wish tam could read these things, understand what it is i am saying and think to herself, "yes, we could have done a better job of communicating, negotiating, and compromising" and try to work it out. she thinks i am so hard headed i will not compromise, but that just is not true. i am stubborn, but never to the point of it costing me my marriage. i do not believe compromise means kissing someones ass, or letting them have their way all the time, sometimes i will win and sometimes she will win, but in the end, we all lose if we dont communicate, negotiate, and compromise. hard lesson to once again learn.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I am having a weak moment right now. I am trying to say goodbye to tammi but i am finding it so hard to do that. right now, i am writing this and shedding many tears. i love her so much. i do not think she truly realizes what it means to be loved by someone the way i love her. i am so confused. i want to feel the comfort of someone, but i want it to be tammi, yet if it is not going to be her, and she has given me absoluely no indication she has changed her mind, then i would like to meet someone. that does not mean i have to fall in love with them, i just would like to go on a picnic or watch a movie with someone. I wish it was with tam. as hard as i try to put her behind me, all i keep seeing is visions of her. seeing her sitting at the picnic table at the lake, or feeding the geese, or walking with me in the store, or sitting on the sofa as i bring her a plate of food i have cooked for her. i cannot get away from these visions and feelings. the harder i try, the more they stay. i have changed my profiles on yahoo and msn, in an attempt to convince myself i have moved forward. i shall never be over her, i will just learn to deal with my loss.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." no more will you feel my love for you no more will you feel my pain no more will you hear my 'I love you's' or read the words that for you I write. no more will you hear my heartbeats no more will I cry for you no more will I call your name no more will I long for your touch no more will you have to choose between her and me no more will I suffer this pain. this one is not quite about my situation, but it still expresses my feelings.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." its all or nothing and I know it wont last its finished and over and should be left in the past though you're no longer here its still hard letting go and despite it all I still love you so
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Replaying what or how things could have been done differently. This is what I think should have happened regarding Laura and her car. Tam and I should have sat down together, discussed the issue and this is the kind of solution that should have come about. When Laura informed us she wanted to try to fix the car herself instead of putting it into the shop, Tam and I should have agreed to a set amount of time for Laura to get it done, and if it was not done by the end of that time, THEN she could put the car in the shop. So if we had told her this on July 31st, we could have set something like have it fixed by September 30th or then it goes to the shop. That would have been compromise, negotiation, and communication. But no, I could not approach the situation like this, and Tam was not able to do it either, so we end up losing a wonderful relationship. What bothers me more is her not working with me to discover this part of it. Tam not believing in me enough that I wanted her badly enough to grow as a human. Alton never wanted her, she was just someone he could manipulate and control. Once he could no longer do that, he moved on. I am not into that kind of crap, I just wanted to be believed in. I guess Tam just could not bring herself to do that. I believe in me, and because I do, and because I am stubborn enough to prove her wrong, I have learned alot. I learned the issues boiled down to a lack of communicatin, negotiation, and compromise. With those 3 things, anything else can be overcome. Without them, any and all relationships are doomed to failure sooner or later. I communicated my feelings about Laura and how she was handling certain things badly. I communicated my support for Tammi with her new diet badly. Tam in turn communicated her feelings about how I regarded Laura badly. She communicated her hurt feelings about the new diet badly. I love her, of course I supported her to the best of my ability. Had I known more about how she felt, I would have done, to the best of my ability, more to make her feel supported. Why would I not do everything in my power to make my marriage work? I love her enough to want to spend my life with her. This one will forever puzzle me, it isn't her and I having a disagreement about issues, it is her giving up without a fight. Sometimes we just don't get a 2nd chance in life to make things right.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Can I fogive? Sure. Do I want to forgive? Absolutely! Today I went to the dam, the one Tam and I went to on our first date and took some pictures and walked awhile. I think it was my way of forgiving her. I cannot stay angry any longer. I still have my moments of hurt and pain, but for the most part they are gone. I am dealing with the here and now, not the past. If she ever becomes part of my present again, I will deal with it then. I miss her, but I no longer am consumed by my grief. I am moving forward. I have spent the last 4-5 days being angry with her for what she has done, but I realize, just as always, there is something to be taken from this. I have narrowed everything down to our ending was because of a lack of communicaton. Without that communication, there could be no compromise and negotiation. Now I will never understand just why she had to take the drastic step of ending our marriage instead of just working with me or just saying it was a short seperation, she just needed some time. But she did. I now choose to not be angry any longer. It is time, because the longer I stay angry, the longer it will take me to move on. I will not lie about it, I want to be a part of someones life. If Tam is truly no longer interested in a life with me, then what I do and who I do it with should be of no interest to her. I am in her past, no longer part of her life. I am doing the same because I do not want to go for months or years carrying pain, anger, and depression around with me. Life is too short to do that for very long. I had a good time this morning and it has proven to me that it is time to forgive her. I wish her well, and if she ever needs me, I will be there to help her the best I can.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Man's greatest vulnerability is not a physical need, but a psychological one. It is the need to be loved, but not just loved by anyone - to be loved by someone he senses is emotionally independent and strong. This kind of love is validating and worthwhile. So, if you as a woman wish to stand out and make a difference to the man of your dreams you have to make up your mind not to be weak. This is where I made my mistake this past summer. I felt Tam was strong enough to do what needed to be done, and I now feel I was wrong. I loved her for many reasons, but one of them was her strength I thought she had in trying to make her marriage to Alton work, how she stuck it out so long. But now I think that was a weakness, since I am the one that truly has loved her and yet I am the one that was put out in the cold without so much as a 2nd chance for us to make our marriage work. I just don't get it. I do love her.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." It just occurred to me, in my mind, I have been apologizing to Tammi for 2 months come today. It was Oct 8th 2003 when she told me she no longer wanted to be married to me. Well, I just realized I have NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR!!!. The reason I feel this way is I tried so hard to work things out, I was always trying to make sure she was ok, she was getting what she needed. This all comes down to compromise, communication, negotiation. I repeatedly tried to discuss the issues, to resolve them. I supported her, if she felt I didn't, why didn't she talk to me about it? I have nothing to apologize for because I tried to work with her to resolve issues, she did not return the favor. I love her dearly, oh so dearly, but until she learns these things, she will have failed relationships. I learned my lesson from the past, now she must learn these things. Words like these I am sure will seal any chance against ever being with her again, but it is how I feel, and what I have seen. This whole thing has nothing to do with our children and their attitudes, or support for this or that. It all boils down to Tammi not being able to communicate with me.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." In life and love, you may think you're supposed to always focus on the positive instead of the negative. However, unless you become aware of your own hurtful attitudes or actions -- so that you can correct them -- your chances of staying in love 'til death do you part are close to zero. In our case, the "hurtful attitude" was Tam not negotiating with me about our children, and therefore we could not compromise on the issues to a mutual resolution.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Successful couples learn to compromise and to negotiate how much they do together and how much time they spend apart. What your husband wants to do with his time is surely just as valid as what you want him to do with it, and the whole concept of "rudeness," in my opinion, is negotiable. Sounds like you may have momentarily forgotten who your main loyalty is to. The key words are "compromise and negotiate" and "who your main loyalty is to", things Tam seemed unable to do or understand. I hope she learns from this experience so another man will not have to experience the pain and suffering I have from her inability to compromise and negotiate.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." a link to a website that deals with breakups. I decided to post the 4 stages along with a short discussion about how I have gone through each stage. Stage 1. Denial. Yes, I experienced the classic stage of denial, as defined by the site. For the first month or so after she sent me away, I would send her emails and ecards professing my undying love and devotion to her, and how I thought this was such a big mistake, that a love like ours does not come around that often in a persons life. While I stil believe all that, I quit sending the emails and ecards, in my mind to give her space to think about what was happening, believing she would eventually come aroound and contact me. It was not to be. Stage 2. Depression. Because I was no longer contacting her, and therefore having no contact with her, I entered into a deep depression stage. I would speak to God many times daily, and while there is nothing wrong with that, and in fact I believe it to be good to talk with God, I was still depressed. I longed for her to call, to email me or write me a letter. I did not want to eat. When I was invited to go somewheres with my parents, I did not want to go, I made excuses to stay home. As an example, I told Dad one morning I did not want to leave in case a potential job came up. In reality, I just did not want to go, not because it was with Dad, but rather because I was so depressed. Stage 3. Anger. This is the stage I am in right now. I am so angry with her for doing this to me. How dare she tear me apart like this after all the support I gave her. I am sorry she feels I did not support her, but I did and she did not support me with her daughter. When it came to my child I got support from her, at least for a while. But when she says I did not support her, that is so very wrong. To not support her would have been to say "This is just a phase, she does not need any help from a hospital" when Jessica threatened her. How much more support can a spouse give than to have their child committed to a psychiatric facility? It is too bad Tam could not see the support I gave her. My child was put in a hospital and I have pretty much lost her for the remainder of her teen years and maybe forever because her mother and I supported each other in the decision. If my wife, the stepmother could not identify that as support for her, then she is the one blind, not me. I am angry because whenever I had issues with her daughter, all I could get back is, "Laura will never be good enough for you" or "I think you are just trying out methods on Laura that you want to use on Jessica". Thats a load of crap. The girl dissed me by not fixing her car, making us be put out whenever she had the means to do different. I tell you what, I see the same things here with my parents and my 37 yr old sister and I made the decision long before I met Tammi or Laura that I would not do that with my own child, and if I am going to be that way with my own child, I certainly am not going to do that with my stepchild. I did not treat Laura any different than I would have treated Jessica, and if Tam can't see that, again she is blind. Laura cost us $700 and Tam made no consequences for Laura. She dissed us by not fixing the car, and she had no consequences. It is NOT my fault that Alton was a bad guy and Laura turned out the way she has. All I wanted was to try to instill in her some respect for others. Instead, for being a strong parental figure, I lost my marriage. I underestimated Tammi's strength and ability to stand up for herself. Sending me away was not a noble or strong thing to do. It was a cowardly thing to do. When she had the opportunity to stand up and teach Laura right from wrong, she backed away, once again running from an issue. I love her beyond human comprehension, but because of that love, I am punished by not being with her. I am angry because she had these issues and she never truly came to me to work out a compromise. Maybe she believes I would not have compromised, but she never gave us the chance to find out. I will forever be partly in this anger stage, as it will become difficult to forgive her for this. She made a promise to me, to take me in sickness and in health, for better or worse, until death do us part. She broke her promise to me, why make it if you are going to break it? The only promise I ever made to her besides the vows was that no matter what I did or how it turned out, it was my BEST. I tried and I really feel she did not. Stage 4. Acceptance. As I said, I will always be partly in that anger stage, it will be difficult to forgive her for doing this. Even though I am in the anger stage, I am also entering the acceptance stage. I accept that she may never call me or write me. I accept that this relationship is over. If she ever does decide she wants to try again, I look at it as a new relationship with someone I knew once upon a time, not as a continuation of an old relationship. She is not the same person I married and fell in love with, nor am I the same for her. These events have changed who we are and how we look at life and people. She told me once not so long ago that she no longer wanted the life we had. Well, I didn't either. I wanted the life we were GOING to have. Of course many things would have been done just as we always had, picnics, garage sales, shopping, etc. I guess it is not to be, at least not the 2 of us doing these things together. As I have come to accept this situation, I also have made the choice to not let her control my life by me feeling pain whenever I do something we use to do. I am looking forward to going to festivals and concerts, going on picnics, even if I go by myself. I will feed some ducks around here and make some day trips to wherever, just to see what is there. This has become what I enjoy doing, and to stop doing these things is to have my spirit defeated. I cannot allow that to happen. The door will be open for her if she ever changes her mind, but I can no longer allow myself to have false hope. That means I have to accept this, and move on.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I wrote this piece this morning and after talking with many people this past week going through the same thing as I am, this is what I feel is happening to us: i tend to agree. how much "stronger" do we have to get before we finally find someone else "strong enough" for us? Each time i go through the ending of a relationship, i try to find the "why" in it, to "build character", to "get stronger", but at some point, can I not be "strong enough", have enough "character", to find someone willing to do the same? As a deep, loving, caring person, i tend to be the one that gets hurt, maybe i am choosing the wrong people to develop a relationship with, but at this stage of our lives (i am 39) most of us have some kind of past issues or relationships, only it seems that those of here are the ones doing the hurting because we are the ones strong enough to search out the "why's" of how we got to be here. Why do we gravitate to people that cannot also do that, why cannot we be the ones to find another as strong as us (that is why we are the ones doing this inner search, because in the end we are the strong ones, the ones that left us were the weak one, that is why they left, they could not do what we can do). Is it possible that we don't find them, but they find us because we are the strong ones? But then there comes a point where their lack of strength leads them to give up, rather than go past that point as we can? This is what i am beginning to believe, that as the weak ones, they can only go so far with us and they give up, while we move forward with our strength, but that their lack of strength allows them to "bury" their true feelings, which is something that the strong cannot do. paul
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." this is my take on what happened and tam and i talked too much stuff for this not to be true. fact: laura had some attitude issues. fact: tam felt tremendous guilt over laura's attitude because whenever laura would say something with attitude or sarcastic, ' thats alton talking'. fact: tam hated alton for this. fact: tam felt guilty for how laura got her attitude because tam was not strong enough to leave alton when laura was so much younger. fact: i treated them both good, and only tried to get tam to be strong. fact: when laura got her job at arby's, instead of being like alton and putting her down because it was just a fast food job, i high fived her because she had a job, which was the right thing to do, she was showing responsibility. fact: her car broke down. fact: 3 people shared 1 car. fact: i rode a bike back and forth to work, and walked some too. fact: laura did not take care of our truck the way i thought she should have. fact: i had expectations of the way things should have been. fact: i now think those were too high. fact: she should have put her car in the shop and got it fixed quickly because we only had 1 veh and we needed it. fact: i expected laura to help out around our home. fact: tam did not communicate her feelings towards my issues and expectations to me. fact: i do not "pick up" on things very well, i need to be told. fact: tam and i had a beautiful relationship. fact: i did not communicate very well my feelings and expectations. fact: we failed each other by not communicating, setting up house rules, setting boundaries, both for ourselves and for those around us. fact: i practice what i preach. that when you are an adult, it is a privelage, not a right to live with your parents. that you should help out anyway you can. i do that here. fact: i remember when i was 19 and living at home, i worked a job and ran around with my best friend, but i also helped around the house. i asked my parents to tell me the truth, i do not want to write something here that is not. they said, i did not always do stuff willingly, but i did help out. i wanted laura with us, because i knew she had some attitude issues, and that is straight from tam, we talked about it so much how that was "alton" talking whenever laura would say something sarcastic or rude. i felt if she was with us, and saw how tam and i really took care of each other, she would see what it was really like in a loving, caring relationship. but laura also needed some guidelines, some boundaries, and tam just could not support me in those. it is too bad, because i have asked many people about the issues i had, and they all agree i was not wrong to want the car fixed right away, i was not wrong to want her to help out around the place, not piss and moan cuz all we had for lunches was sandwiches. i wish tam and i could have communicated better, that we could have worked out our differences and communicated the boundaries we needed, to let me lower my expectations and work together to come to a compromise, which is what alot of what marriage is about. what could have been. i had dreams, and she had no faith in me. i still have those dreams, i will not let her take them from me.
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I may have posted this before, but I am posting again, and will many times again as it is very good for the soul. There comes a time in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new prospective. This is your awakening. You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about: · how you should look and how much you should weigh · what you should wear and where you should shop · where you should live or what type of car your should drive · who you should sleep with and how you should behave · who you should marry and why you should stay · the importance of having children or what you owe your family Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with. You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10" Or a perfect human being for that matter. So you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval. And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that "it is truly in giving that we receive  and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of "creating" & "contributing" rather than "obtaining" & "accumulating." And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with; things that millions of people upon the face of the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed and the freedom to pursue your own dreams. And then you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play. Then you learn about love and relationships, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment. You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace.. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go. Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so, it comes to pass that through understanding your heart heals; and now all new things are possible. Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So, you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead. You set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through. You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate. And you stop looking for guarantees because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom. Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. Then a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed not for the answers to my prayers or for material things but for my "God" to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do. Remember this: "You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you." My "God" has never failed me. ~By Sonny Carroll~ Copyright © 1999 Sonny Carroll All Rights Reserved For permission to post, contact firstname.lastname@example.org Unfortunately, this has been copied, plagiarized and posted on countless websites falsely crediting another writer who promoted herself as the author. I ask that if you see The Awakening on any sites, crediting anyone other than Sonny Carroll, please contact email@example.com with the website address of the site. Get Dr. Phil's "Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out" Send this Inspire! to your friends, too! Having problems sending this Inspire? Click Here for help! Thanks! CLICK HERE FOR MORE GREAT GREETING CARDS! Sign up for FREE NEWSLETTERS from Daily Dilly! Select your newsletters, enter email address below, then click the button: Dobhran's Gr-r-reetings! - Ecards, clean jokes & inspiration! Dobhran's Inspire! - Even more inspiration! Dobhran's Humorama! - More G to PG rated jokes! 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