This is the one

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." This is the quote that I think I will try most to follow. There are so many things that are out of my control, and I think that if i just read this every time I start to feel overwhelmed or the pain of what she did becomes too much, I will get through that moment and into the next.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.

Not alone...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." That has been my biggest discovery as I go through this very trying and painful time. I have been reading other peoples postings on yahoo groups and elsewhere. I of course knew I was not the only one going through this, it is as old as love itself. But there is just something comforting when you read the stories of others that either have been or are going through the same thing. Here is another quote that I liked alot:

"Love is a journey. When one stops in your life, another one begins."

But even though I do find some comfort in reading about others, it still does not take away the pain I feel, nor the anguish of a future that does not include her.


Going crazy...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." just had to post my feelings so i don't go too crazy. as the days pass, i am realizing more and more just how much i love tam. that may not make any difference to her, but if i am ever to get past this time and recover and heal from it, it is important that i admit my feelings to myself so i dont try to do things before the time is right. i am very deeply in love with her, and while i will never be able to comprehend how she could drop me the way she did, and will always wonder the truth about what her went on inside her head and heart, i am i no position to concern myself with anything except getting a job and getting my life on track. until we had moved to rc, i had never really had a plan for my life. but i had a plan, i could see where i wanted us to be in 5, 10, 15 years. even though those plans no longer seem to be in my future, i am not losing sight of the fact of having plans. now, my whole purpose in life is to get myself in a position to move to wherever it will be when i "semi-retire" at age 55. i do hope to return to rc, but if not there, it will be somewhere similiar. small city up north, close to some mountains. if this is the end of this relationship, then someday, a long ways away, if i meet someone, for it to be a relationship, she will have to want this too, because i can see the rest of my life now, and this is what i want for my life. i do not want to waver from this, it is what i want, and i no longer have time to mess around. i really dont even want to talk about "finding another", i found the perfect one for me, and since she is not with me anymore, i think being alone is a better deal. nothing will ever top being with her, so why try? it would not be fair to someone else, all i would do is compare them to her. she was/is the best for me, so i think it is better to just stay alone and focus on myself. i miss her so much. i hope she is happy, it just hurts that i was replaced so quickly. dropped and replaced. that hurts. maybe he makes her laugh the way i used to, but i just dont think anyone will ever take care of her quite the way i did, and i did it willingly. i hope she is happy. i will be happy with my memories of her, and my dreams of her and will continue to pray for her.


"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." They are so powerful. I am talking about the dreams you have when you sleep. I am trying so hard to put her behind me, but when I awoke this morning, I was dreaming of her. It was in a different apartment than the one we last shared, but I was opening the door to a bedroom and there she was, changing her clothes. I walked over to her and took her in my arms just as I used to do and kissed her and then I woke up. It felt so real, so real in fact that it brought back all the feelings I have for her. Just as I get messed up for awhile whenever I get an email from her, this has messed me up again. It has just reminded me of how much I love and miss her. Now I only hope that she awakes from a dream like that someday and it hits her that she does miss me and still loves me. As I took my shower today I thought about change, how she told me she could not see things changing and I realized it is because SHE does not want to change. I know in my heart that I am always willing to work out things, to compromise and figure out a new or different way of doing things. It saddened me when it hit me that it was not me, but her, that kept us from strengthening our relationship, that it was her that did not WANT to change. I have the desire and will to do whatever it would take to make my marriage work, but I just had not realized before that moment this morning that it was her that did not want to change. She had told me over and over how she would believe her ex-husband that he would change until she finally gave up and figured it out that he was not going to change. But now it is her that is not willing to change to save a marriage. Marriage is a two-way street and until she realizes that it takes both to compromise and make it work, she will have failed marriages, just as I will until I find that certain person that is willing to do that also. I cannot understand how people can take their vows so casually. I think they should mean something if you say them, then stand behind them. Why couldn't she try half as hard with me as she did with her ex? I mean, I lost 5 months of doing things with her because of her hurt leg, so I just took care of her as best as I could. Yet now when I have a physical problem, I have no one to take care of me. It isn't fair at all. Just when she gets healed up and we can do things again, I get the short end of the stick. Not fair.


"The good you do does you no good"

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." That is a quote I heard on tv tonight. And it fits so well to what has happened in my life. I did good as a husband and tried to do good as a stepfather, but it did me no good. Also heard about the battered child syndrome and along with that goes the battered wife syndrome. That is what cost me my marriage. After a childhood and then a 13 marriage where there was nothing but anger and putdowns, she could only want to not have confrontation. So when the time came to either confront me and work out her feelings or confront her daughter and work out the issues that were bothering me, she could not do it. All I needed to hear from her was that she was handling it and then I could have backed off. But with her ex-husband always putting her down, she just could not come to me and tell me that, and in turn it made me feel like she was not doing anything about it and I felt in the middle. This was such a waste. I hope with time she will come to realize these things and even if it never makes a difference in our relationship it will help her in the years to come in her life. All I wanted was for her daughter to learn the value of appreciation so that as she went through her life she would value when others do for her. All I wanted from my wife was for her not to say everything was ok whenever I asked her if everything was, when I asked her if she was getting what she needed if that was not the truth. To tell me what she thought I wanted to hear was not what I wanted, I wanted to hear the truth, because only then could I take steps to change how I reacted to what was bothering her. I am working towards moving forward, because to dwell in the past on things that I cannot control or go back and change will only cause more grief. I do miss her and will for the rest of my life, but I have always said be happy with what you have, and don't worry about what you don't have. Well, I have my parents and my uncle and I will be happy with their company. I don't have her or my daughter and I just have to push that out of my head and not worry about them as best as I can. They both will have to find their own path in life and only they can look within themselves to find the will to change. I have been doing that for 7 years now and I will continue to do that, I want to be a better person. But that is something that we can only do for ourselves and cannot do for others. If I had the chance would I have done things differently? Of course. I would have asked her what she was doing about the situation and once she told me she was handling it her way, I would have backed off. But I did not ask the question so I did not get the answer, and therefore I lost my marriage. Communication is a two way street, and while I feel she could have given the answer without me asking the question, it would have been much better to ask the question so that we were clear. I failed her as much as she failed me and now we both have to pay a price. No matter what she ever tells me or feels now, she loved me deeply, more deeply than she probably had ever loved before and I will choose to always believe that it will always be inside her, just locked away where she does not have to face the truth. It is always easier to justify something by locking feelings away and making yourself believe something else. but to have experienced what we did and how we did, and how recent we did before she ended this, it is inside of her.


Anger and Pain....or is it

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Pain and anger? Which comes first? For me it was pain and then anger. The source of my pain caused me anger, and in turn my anger caused me to want to cause pain. Because if I am angry, and I cause pain, then I am able to hide my pain. I do not want to be angry or in pain anymore. When is enough enough? When can a person just be themselves and not have to suffer pain, and then get angry? And why does my anger, which was caused by pain, have to cause more pain because I got angry? I do not have anwers to these questions, but answers are what I am seeking and in desperate need of. I cannot erase the memories I have, they do not go away, and every time I remember, I feel pain at what was and is no more, and then I get angry because this pain is senseless and was not needed. And that is when I get sad, which causes pain, which leads to anger and it starts all over again. This is a terrible cycle and I am sorry, but time does not always heal all wounds, they are with me every moment of every day. And they will be for as long as I live. And that hurts.


I know I said no more entries but.....

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." This was too good of an op/ed not to include it in the vein of thought that this blog had evolved into, so maybe I will continue it here, just in case what I post helps another person. People don't always mean what the say and say what they mean, and I am not different so here it is: The Power of Marriage By DAVID BROOKS Published: November 22, 2003 ARTICLE TOOLS E-Mail This Article Printer-Friendly Format Most E-Mailed Articles Columnist Page: David Brooks Forum: Discuss This Column E-mail: dabrooks@nytimes.com TIMES NEWS TRACKER Topics Alerts Marriages Homosexuality Divorce, Separations and Annulments nybody who has several sexual partners in a year is committing spiritual suicide. He or she is ripping the veil from all that is private and delicate in oneself, and pulverizing it in an assembly line of selfish sensations. But marriage is the opposite. Marriage joins two people in a sacred bond. It demands that they make an exclusive commitment to each other and thereby takes two discrete individuals and turns them into kin. Few of us work as hard at the vocation of marriage as we should. But marriage makes us better than we deserve to be. Even in the chores of daily life, married couples find themselves, over the years, coming closer together, fusing into one flesh. Married people who remain committed to each other find that they reorganize and deepen each other's lives. They may eventually come to the point when they can say to each other: "Love you? I am you." Today marriage is in crisis. Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. Worse, in some circles, marriage is not even expected. Men and women shack up for a while, produce children and then float off to shack up with someone else. Marriage is in crisis because marriage, which relies on a culture of fidelity, is now asked to survive in a culture of contingency. Today, individual choice is held up as the highest value: choice of lifestyles, choice of identities, choice of cellphone rate plans. Freedom is a wonderful thing, but the culture of contingency means that the marriage bond, which is supposed to be a sacred vow till death do us part, is now more likely to be seen as an easily canceled contract. Men are more likely to want to trade up, when a younger trophy wife comes along. Men and women are quicker to opt out of marriages, even marriages that are not fatally flawed, when their "needs" don't seem to be met at that moment. Still, even in this time of crisis, every human being in the United States has the chance to move from the path of contingency to the path of marital fidelity — except homosexuals. Gays and lesbians are banned from marriage and forbidden to enter into this powerful and ennobling institution. A gay or lesbian couple may love each other as deeply as any two people, but when you meet a member of such a couple at a party, he or she then introduces you to a "partner," a word that reeks of contingency. You would think that faced with this marriage crisis, we conservatives would do everything in our power to move as many people as possible from the path of contingency to the path of fidelity. But instead, many argue that gays must be banished from matrimony because gay marriage would weaken all marriage. A marriage is between a man and a woman, they say. It is women who domesticate men and make marriage work. Well, if women really domesticated men, heterosexual marriage wouldn't be in crisis. In truth, it's moral commitment, renewed every day through faithfulness, that "domesticates" all people. Some conservatives may have latched onto biological determinism (men are savages who need women to tame them) as a convenient way to oppose gay marriage. But in fact we are not animals whose lives are bounded by our flesh and by our gender. We're moral creatures with souls, endowed with the ability to make covenants, such as the one Ruth made with Naomi: "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried." The conservative course is not to banish gay people from making such commitments. It is to expect that they make such commitments. We shouldn't just allow gay marriage. We should insist on gay marriage. We should regard it as scandalous that two people could claim to love each other and not want to sanctify their love with marriage and fidelity. When liberals argue for gay marriage, they make it sound like a really good employee benefits plan. Or they frame it as a civil rights issue, like extending the right to vote. Marriage is not voting. It's going to be up to conservatives to make the important, moral case for marriage, including gay marriage. Not making it means drifting further into the culture of contingency, which, when it comes to intimate and sacred relations, is an abomination.


The ending....

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Well, for anyone that has been reading and keeping up with this blog. this is the final entry. I will be starting a new one as this is day one of my life without Tam. This one was started with her and I just feel that if my life with her is over, then this blog should be also. She made me Pauliemac and without her, there is no pauliemac. Anyone that wishes to continue following the events of my life that will shape me into who I am, just send me an email and I will be happy to send the link to the new blog. It has been a wonderful time with her and I wish her well and all the happiness she can find. I am not who I was nor will I stay who I am now, but a new beginning deserves new entries with a new attitude. Signing off for the last time, pauliemac

This one's for you Tam,

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." if you ever read this it is about my lack of communication also. All those mornings I was giving you hard time about running late, it was really me that was running late. See, I wanted to play on the computer a little but after making breakfast and our lunches, I was always running out of time to do that. But since I wanted to be such a good husband, I didn't say anything, I just went about business and then when I was running out of time, I thought to myself that if you would just get up a little earlier and helped me, I would have time to do what I wanted to do also. Communication, because I didn't do that with you, I ended up blaming you for me running late. I just wanted to be a good husband, but instead I made things worse. You will be missed dearly and I do hope that whatever comes your way in life, you are happy and content. I told you I would learn from this and I have and continue to do so, just too bad at the expense of not being with you.



"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." It is such a difficult emotion, especially when you are the one being sent away. To love someone with all the heart and spirit you have. To see your life before you with them at your side. And then to have them say they no longer want to be with you, for them to leave you behind. Left behind, that is what happens when one decides that the life you shared is no longer what they want, even when they know in their heart it was good. Time, they say, heals all. But it doesn't, it just allows you to deal with it. Twenty years from now, will this just be a faded memory? Will the 2 1/2 years I spent with her just be an afterthought? Will I just be an afterthought to her? Or will she look back and remember all of the good that was there and wonder what if? So many questions and no answers. I guess only time will give us the answers. This has been the most difficult time of my life, these past 6 weeks. And after sharing and doing for this woman as I have, what else can a man do to make a relationship work? Is there something more I could have done? What did I do wrong? Where do I go now. I gave up everything for this woman and I would gladly do it all over again, for I was loved like never before, or ever again I think. What to do now? I am back in Texas, but my heart is elsewhere. I loved living in South Dakota, but how could I ever live there knowing she is there, yet not wanting to be with me? Time, again, it is all about time. If my future is not to be with Tammi, then I have no choice but to accept it as my fate and that GOD has another path for me to follow, a path I have not traveled yet. I hurt like no human should hurt. A large part of me has died, for I do not think I can ever feel as good as I felt when I was with her. I hope she reads this from time to time, because maybe she will come to realize just what she meant to me and will remember what I meant to her. Hope springs eternal and from the ashes of this horrible period, an new tree, a tree of hope will spring forward. I have shared experiences with her and felt things I have never felt before. How can that ever be recaptured? How can I move on knowing she is in this world? Will she think about me from time to time? Will she go to the mountains we loved so much and remember a moment we shared, and for just an instant, feel that joy that was between us? I hope so, I hope I am not just a faded memory, something to be remembered and then the memory is discarded. It is said you cannot live in the past, that you must live in the present and I believe that, only I do not want to be her past, I want to be her future. I am once again left with a broken heart and only memories. I had direction with her, knew where we were going, and now I am as a car with no steering, no direction. I have been praying to GOD for a sign, something to let me know my direction, but this was not what I had prayed for, but since it is what I have gotten, I must see it through, to find my path in life and once again, find the WHY in it all. It will be a difficult journey, without Tammi, but I will choose to believe that someday we shall meet again, and maybe, just maybe, I will see those arms open to me once again.


"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Heard from Tam but it was not what I wanted to know. She says she no longer wants the life we had together. How can a person not want something that was so very good? Or was it not as good for her as she made me feel it was. I just do not know. I am so in love with her and to have this done to me. I am at a loss, I was a very good husband and took care of her the way a man should take care of his wife. What more I could have done I just don't know.

What is Happiness?

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I am asking myself that question as I read over and over the quote I post at the beginning of each entry. How can you do whatever it takes if you don't know what happiness is? For me, my pursuit of happiness has always been the pursuit of a companion. Ever since I was a young teen I have longed for the love of a female. I have made many mistakes in that pursuit. I have married because I thought no one else would love me, I have married because I had been alone for a long time as a single parent, and then I have married just because she made me laugh like no other. For me, that was happiness, not just the being with her, but being with her because after a lifetime of not truly laughing, she made laugh. For me, it is not about money, or material items, it is about laughter. She made me laugh, and she in turn laughed with me and sometimes at me because of my goofy ways. We were two mature adults that were able to just be kids with each other. I hope to laugh again, I mean truly laugh from deep inside, but I know in my heart that without her, the only sound I will hear is the soft patter of my tears as they hit the floor.

Time wasted.......

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Six weeks ago today, I was told by the love of my life that she felt like she had wasted the last two years of my life. But I ask, how can that be wasted time when it was the best time of my life? For me, the only time wasted will be the rest of my life if I must spend it without her. She has touched my heart and soul like no other and I choose to keep that, rather than let if fade away like the morning mist.


learning new stuff...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." well, I know for all of you experienced bloggers this is nothing new, but for me it is very new. just learned how to add a link, so anyone wanting to see my yahoo profile, just go here and see it.

quick entry

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." trying to get my email in here, i hope i have succeeded.

Never giving up hope.....

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Just created my new little profile on msn, anyone wishing to see it, it is under MissingTaminTexas. I did not know it would not show up if I didn't put any info in it so I added just a few items to it. I am hoping that my wife will see it and follow the link here. I want her to heal, to be able to think about all that was good in our relationship. This is my forum for her to be able to keep up with what I am doing during our time apart, if she so chooses to read it. That is the only way I know to keep a thread of connection alive. I miss her, and while I may never get the opportunity to once again tell her face to face how much I love her, this is also my way of being able to let out my emotions. I am sure everyone has seen the commercial where the man and woman are in a public square and he tells her he wants to do something, and then he yells out "I love this woman", and then gives her a ring as a token of his love. Well, in this day and age, this is my way of being able to do that. I hope to someday be able to do that in person. I long for the day when in a crowded market, or park, to be able to yell as loudly as I can, "I love you", with her beside me, knowing that there is nothing I would not do for her. The one thing I do not want to do, but would, is give her up if that is what she desires. But I will not stop writing and professing my love for her. I would marry her all over again in an instant, and if somehow we do find a way to continue our marriage, that is exactly what I want to do, whether by judge, preacher, or justice of the peace, I want to renew those vows, renew our love. Tam, if you read this, YOU COMPLETE ME, YOU MAKE ME WHOLE, YOUR SMILE, TO SEE IT, IS WHAT I LIVE FOR. THERE IS NO OTHER FOR ME BUT YOU, TO SEE YOU, TOUCH YOU, LAUGH AND CRY WITH YOU, THAT IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE. I MISS YOU. YOU HAVE TOUCHED MY HEART AND SOUL LIKE NO OTHER , RATHER THAN OUR DIFFERENCES BEING AN UNCHANGEBLE THING, THEY ARE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR US TO GROW STRONGER, CLOSER, AS ONE. I TOOK A VOW TO YOU AND I WILL KEEP IT. I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED LIKE I HAVE WITH YOU, NEVER LOVED AS I HAVE WITH YOU. WHEREVER YOU GO AND WHATEVER YOU DO, I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU, WAITING FOR YOU.

More Good Stuff...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." "Marriage is a vital social institution," Chief Justice Marshall wrote. "The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support. It brings stability to our society"-Chief Justice Margaret Marshall/Massachusetts High Court. This is what I have been preaching and trying to get people in my life to believe and understand, an "exclusive commitment", because as in a previous posting, if you don't commit to each other, how can you then commit to those around you with strength?

Today's interview

"Do whatever it takes to to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Well, just returned from my interview this morning, and I must say I don't think I have ever done a better one in my life. The woman that interviewed me had two other women come in and sit in on it also. They would be the personel that I would be replacing. I was awesome! I had 30 minutes to sell myself on why I would be the right person for the job, and I truly feel I did that. This was not a matter of my skills, they could see by my resume that I have that, but rather what I could bring to the job. I told them upfront, it is my desire to always get better, to work harder to be the best I can be. That is me, even though some people in my life have doubted that. I also touched a nerve with them when I was asked my greatest accomplishment and I responded by telling them about raising my daughter from 6 months to age 10 yrs on my own. Nothing will ever top that, not even somehow winning Tam's heart back. As much as I love her, taking responsibility and raising Jess is the tops. But since that period is over, what is the 2nd best thing I can accomplish? Winning Tam's heart back. And if I am not able to accomplish that, I will just be satisfied with being the best human and man I can be. I was once told there are no problems or failures, only opportunities. Well, I am going to look at the events of the past 7 years, all of them, as an opportunity to exit my 30's and enter my 40's with a newfound knowledge and respect for myself as a person, and for others as well. I have made so many mistakes and so many things have just not gone as I would have liked them to, but I will learn from all of this. I will be strong and stand up for what I believe, and lastly, I will attempt to have enough strength for those I care so deeply about, to carry them when they are not strong, to show the way. I have never felt like I was a leader, but for some reason, that has changed, I feel as though I am a leader. Not just with words, but with actions. The only way I know to lead right now is by doing what is right. Find a job (maybe done), live a smart and healthy life, lend support to my daughter who is having such a rough time right now, and lastly but most importantly, show my wife that I am the man she married, and I have the strength to be patient for her to figure this all out.


What I wrote

"Do whatever it takes to to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Finally made it to texas Had to overcome a couple of hexes I am so blue How much I miss you To tam, made a promise or two I will keep before my life is through Her touch, soft as fleece Or the feathers of her babies, canadien geese Talked a long time with Tom S. He helped me see where I made a mess I am so sorry my hard head Became a wedge Because without you I am a lost soul Never again to be whole But I must go on with my life Even if without my beautiful wife She gives me purpose Even if I can’t see it on the surface So I now will close This short prose It is written from the heart I will pray that we will not be forever apart And say goodbye As I once again search for the why I give you my love And set you free, upon the wings of a dove. -pauliemac/developed and written as I took a midnight bus, not to home, but away from home. (November 5, 2003)

Great stuff!

"Do whatever it takes to to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I found this while surfing with feedreader and just had to post it. Smoothing the Step-Parenting Transition by Judith Lavin Three years ago, when John and Julie Smith fell in love and decided to marry they wanted to know what they could do to ease the transition of their marriage on their children. Each had 2 biological children of their own, ranging in age from 8 to 16 and John and Julie knew that getting the families together could be challenging. Unlike other people in their situation, however, John and Julie were able to discuss many of the typical stepfamily issues before the wedding, which enabled them to smooth their transition into becoming a merged-family. These days with the increase in stepfamilies across the United States, more and more people are wisely acting like the Smiths. What should stepparents-to-be discuss before jumping into a second or third marriage? There are several things parents can do to help their children adjust to the fact that they are introducing a “new parent” into their household. Dr. Margorie Engel, President of the Stepfamily Association of America in Lincoln, Nebraska ( www.saafamilies.org; 1-800-735-0329) suggests the following 10 tips to help smooth the transition: 1.Read and understand basic child development so you don’t mistake developmentally normal behaviors as inappropriate, uncooperative or as personally against you. “If you are non-parents, what do you know about kids and their developmental stages?” Engel asks. By understanding basic child development, the stepparent will know that a two-year-old’s NOs, for example, are developmentally appropriate, so that the stepparent won’t take the lack of cooperation personally. 2.Be aware that the first couple of years of marriage are chaotic. Typically, it takes 5 to 7 years for a stepfamily to become cohesive. Initially, everything is up in the air—people are trying to understand each other and find their position in the group. It can be difficult. 3.Lower your expectations. Stepparents do not have the power or authority to “fix” their stepchildren or the family. Only a biological parent has that ability. 4.Make the discipline roles clear. Talk with your to-be spouse about what the household rules (i.e., Bedmaking required? Clearing your plate? Watching TV before homework? Which church to attend?) and personal rules (will you allow them to borrow your clothes? If so, are the clothes to be returned to you drycleaned?) are going to be. 5.Discuss the external household rules, such as how will you handle medical care if the biological parent isn’t there to sign a release. Stepparents do not have legal authority, unless it is given to them. 6.Talk about money issues. The Stepfamily Association of America has tapes and booklets discussing everything from planning a wedding to doing your own will and estate. Look for information concerning financial issues and figure out as many as you can before you’re married. 7.Keep you and your spouse’s bond strong. “The couple bond is the core of the success of the stepfamily,” said Engel. People have to build their relationship, alone. That way kids can see how a healthy adult relationship works. 8.Get creative. Friendships are created through a shared history in the family. You have to create shared memories. Snap pictures of the family doing things together and display the photos out. Find ways to do things with your stepchildren to create a shared memory. Baking, planting, skiing on a trip, whatever creates those special moments should be encouraged. 9. Make changes slowly. You don’t want to change things all at once. Make your own traditions, but do it over time. 10. Discuss discipline and make sure the biological parent is the one carrying out the discipline of his or her child. --Judith Lavin/author of Special Kids Need Special Parents, Berkley Books, 2001

Looking up?

Well, I am starting to get returns on the resumes I sent out last week. Received an email from a company only a few blocks from the train station where I drop off Dad that wants me to come in for an interview tomorrow. I took the 9 am spot, the first one. I am excited about this one and aim to prove in my 20 minutes that I am the right person for the job. I look good in my blue shirt and tie and will have everything ready for them. I would be working for a wholesale distributor of housewares and gifts, much of which is the type of things we sold at Ben Franklin, so I feel I may have a very good shot at this. We shall see, and it is hard to know, but I will do whatever it takes. I do hope everyone reads this is doing all they can do to be happy.

Job interview

Well it really was not a job interview. You had to take a typing skills test and then answer a questionaire about your personality and how you relate to different things. I do not feel as though I did very well. The guy said if you complete two pages of the typing test you will pass, but even though it was very similiar to alot of things I have done in the past, due to tiredness, hunger, and nerves, I did not quite complete 2 pages so it will be touch and go. Mother did get the job, she had applied for the same position a couple of weeks ago. So there is some good news for the family. Tomorrow I am supposed to call and find out if I have a temp position somewheres with Babich Temps. We shall see. I am not going to get too upset about yet, but I do think I will go see my old boss. He now works pretty close to here and maybe he will have something for me, that is if he does not blame me for him being fired from the last place we worked at together. Hard to know.

Why I am the way I am....

That is what I am trying to figure out now. Why I think the way I do, say the things I say, act the way I act. It is a tough question, and I just don't seem to be finding the answers. I feel like I am a pretty normal guy, I want some things out of life, I try to do good things, and yet, it seems I am so different. But then I read about other peoples lives and their triumphs and failures, and I feel I am just like everyone else. I hurt, I love, I feel joy at the touch of another, but for some reason, I say stupid things and do stupid things. When will it end? When will I learn to just accept that I am not going to get all the things in life that I want? I do not know if I even want to accept that. When I am down, I just want to give up, make it all go away somehow, but then, just when I am at my lowest, something good happens and renews my hope for not only my future, but the future of eveyone. Only right now I don't know if that good thing has happened yet or if it is still out there, waiting for me to discover it.



today i foung the damn profile i had set up on msn. deleted it, it was stupid of me to put it there. love, pain, emotions, they all take a toll on a person. i am tired. i want the pain to end. if tam is set on this direction, then so be it. if she ever can get past what is hurting her and she wants to talk to me, she knows how to get in touch with me. i need to heal somehow. having your heart ripped out is a terrible price to pay for trying to be the best husband you can be. i am not sorry for standing up for what i believe is right or wrong, but when someone disagrees with me or my methods, have the strength and courage to step up and say something, dont stay closed in until you feel like you are backed into a corner. i will no longer send her emails, as that just prolongs my and her pain. if we are to not survive this, it will not be because of me not trying. we are animals too, and just as a hurt dog backed into a corner will lash back out, so do we when we are hurt and feel backed into a corner. i believer tam felt she was backed into that corner and she lashed out by ending this. i in turn felt in that same corner, feel like i was abandoned by her and i lashed out in my own way. this is a terrible waste of what was a beautiful relationship. i sincerely and with all my heart hope she finds what she is looking for in her life. i thought i had, but i guess at some point when i am strong again, i will have to look again. goodbye tam, i hope the remainder of your life you find the happiness that we once enjoyed. i will always beleive we could find that again and i am here if you decide the same.


better days

well, everyone, had a good job interview yesterday and then got a call meant for my mom, but they want me to come down and interview also. doing csr work for a big company. pays $10 an hour which is what i figured i would get so that may be a good thing. still know word from tam. you know, i want to get back with her, but if she is dead set i wish she would tell me or just file the papers and then we both could move on. the worst part of all this is no communication at all, that is the coldest part. if she yelled, screamed, cussed at me at least then i would at least see some feeling in her. but this ignoring me is the worst. i miss her dearly, but to be in this lonely hell is even worse. tomorrow is another day and God has a plan for me, i just dont know what it is yet. i thought it was to take care of tam, that is what i do, take care of others, but when do i get taken care of? i need something back too, you know.



for anyone reading this i have started a website at geocities with pictures of my beautiful wife with the hope she will see it as it evolves to show how much i truly love her. anyone seeing this blog and emailing her in an attempt to help her figure out that we should be together please include the link so that she may go to it and start to get the idea that i am not giving up on her. the link is: www.geocities.com/svgnibli/index.html

my wife

anyone who reads this i want them to get word to my wife that i love her dearly and i want her to work this out with me. she hurt me badly and i in turn hurt her. her email is medusas40@yahoo.com i am sure she will be angry for me giving this out but i want to work my marriage out. i need her and am not whole with her.

maybe a job...

12:50 PM 11/13/03 got a phone call about an interview today. it is with babich temp services. they have a client needing shipping/recieveing workers out in saginaw which is north of ft worth. if tam and i ever did reconcile, that would be a good place to live as it would much closer to her mom's while still being close to my parents house too. and i feel the cost of living in apartments would be much cheaper there also. i am guessing though that being with tam is not going to come to pass, therefore i will continue to structure my life as though that is what is going to happen. i now am not so sure that all of her reconciliations with alton was him coming after her. after how she has treated me in this, not even trying, just lumping me in with him, i don't know what to believe. i do know this, she runs from problems instead of taking them head on and solving them. running from our marriage must have been easier than standing up to her daughter. i am not alton and i feel a marriage can be saved and improved, but instead SHE made the decision on her own that it would not get any better. that is horseshit, it of course would never get better if you don't try to make it better. it takes work, compromise, and dedication. i guess she just does not have it in her for those things. she was so worried she was keeping me from jessica, well, jess is going away for a couple of years and when she gets out, she will most likely go her own way and there is nothing her mother or i can do about that. so all of tam's "reasons" for doing this have gone away and it was not because of her dumping me, it was because time took care of them, even if some of those things did not go how i want them too. of course i didn't want jess to go to jail, but it happened and we all new it would since she just would not get with the program. you know, this is not about finding other people to be with, we both can find others to do things with, have sex with, go out with, it is about what we meant to each other and i guess i just did not mean as much to her as she thought i did. we fit so well, it was like we were meant for each other, but if one is not wanting to WORK at the relationship, it will die. i am a worker and a giver and i will always be that way, but after seeing how my parents disagree over my sister, and she is 37 going on 15, i am not sorry for standing up to what i thought was being disrespectful to us with laura. if you help someone, they should be thankful. i hope i get this job as it has alot of overtime and i will show them they need to hire me permanently and i will move to saginaw and i will be happy no matter what.


12:43 PM 11/12/03 well, this is the first entry on my blog sight in more than 3 months. lots has happened since then. tam told me a month ago that she no longer loves me and does not want to be married to me anymore. boy did that come out of the blue! i mean we had some disagreements about laura and what i expected from her. but by that time i had given up on getting my way and was just letting it go. i guess too late, huh? well anyways, i miss her but if that is what she wants, and since she won't talk to me at all about it, i guess that is what she wants, then we have to move on. i have my good days and my bad days, but concentrating on finding a job is keeping me focused. so far i have put in over 50 resumes and will keep doing so until i find something. i know it is a tough job market but i am also confident that i will find something. and if not in dfw then i will start sending by email and fax to other cities. i am no longer tied to dfw since i no longer have my house or my truck. i am free to go wherever i want to. was not what i wanted, but we don't always get what we want. i guess i will just try a little harder.