Dr. Phil is da man!!!...

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" I have always been a fan of Dr. Phil, so yesterday I purchased his first book (Life Strategies) and I wish I had known about it and bought it long ago. I am only about 1/5th the way into the book and I already recognize many things I wish I had known, and some things I have already been writing about here. I don't know where my life is going to go, but I can guarantee you it will be much better (i.e., happier) than it has. I will be entering quotes taken from the book here, both as a reminder for me and to help anyone that might wander across this blog.














Miracles do happen!!!...

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" I saw one today. I will get to that in a moment. First, from the top. Today started off really good. The morning was just beautiful, perfect weather, blue sky. (a reminder, Monday's are my day off). I surfed awhile but decided it was just too beautiful to sit at home. If there is one thing I take from my time with Tam, it is getting out and doing something even if it is just going to the park for awhile. So I got everything together and headed for the conservancy on Mountain Creek Road. To my dismay, it was closed, I had forgotten that it is closed on Monday's. Well, I decided I would go to Joe Pool Lake Dam and see if there was any spring color there. Did not find alot but I did shoot some pics of some flowers and on of these came out really good. It will be uploaded very soon for viewing. Leaving there after an hour or so I headed to Walmart for my weekly grocery shopping. Went home, cleaned the kitchen, ate lunch (salad with shrimp!!) and decided to head to 1/2 price books to sell some books Dad wanted to get rid of. It was on my way to the book store that I witnessed a miracle. The west bound side is 5 lanes wide on this street with the 2 left lanes being left turn lanes. I was in the right left turn lane (confused?) waiting for the light to turn green. i was the 2nd car in line. As the light turned green I saw this kid on a bike crossing in front of all of us waiting for the light. And he was accelerating, attempting to make it all the way across. Immediately I knew that if someone took off and did not see him they would hit him. the car in the lane on my right and in the 1st spot started to leave but saw him and stopped. but the pickup in the middle lane did not see him and took off. It seemed to last forever and yet it happened so fast, I guess because I knew what was going to happen before it happened. Anyways, the next thing I saw was shoes and the back end of a bike flying through the air. I completed my left turn, pulled into the parking lot and parked. I expected to see that kid splattered on the road, but to my disbelief, he was hobbling off the road. I crossed the road and stopped traffic for a second as I picked up his bike and one of his shoes while the man that hit him picked up the other shoe. When we got over to him he was sitting on the ground. he said he was ok but he wasn't. his left leg had a bad abrasion and another lesser abrasion. but more severe one was on the outside of his left knee and both elbows were scraped and bleeding a little. As we sat there and talked and helped him, his knee kept turning a darker shade of purple. I was going to go to a pay phone and call an ambulance and the police, but I was informed that someone had already done this. the woman that had been in the lane next to me that had pulled out but stopped before hitting him had stopped and we were discussing what we had seen. Shortly after that the police arrived followed by an ambulance. He had been saying he was ok, but as a precaution the paramedics but him on a hardboard and immobilized his head. The police took our information and said we could go. As the woman, her teenage daughter (who had started crying at the realization at what could have happened), and myself crossed the street to return to our vehicles, we commented one last time just how lucky this kid was. He is about 17 or 18 and by all means he should be dead or severly injured. I hope he realizes just what a gift he was given today and learns a lesson from this. It was nothing less than the hand of God that saved this boy and I witnessed Him in all His power and Glory firsthand. I too will learn from this experience. After going on to 1/2 price books and finding out all of these books were only worth 50 cents for the whole lot, I said they didn't have to pay me a token if they would just keep the books and dispose of them for me. I did purchase 2 books from the self help section. One is a book by Dr. Phil whom I really enjoy listening to and the other is a small book about 100 ways to slow down and enjoy life. As long as I can remember I have always been in such a rush, had so much to do and not enough time to do it. I have always done a pretty good job (or so I thought) at time management, it is just that was always so much to do. and there still is, but I am going to slow down and enjoy life more. But I also have to take care of responsibilites as well, so I will figure out how to get more quality out of my time rather than try to get more quantity of time. no matter how you slice it, there are only 24 hours in a day so more time is not an option, but I need to learn how to enjoy whatever time I do get. I have always envied professors and others that did not have to adhere to a specific schedule. I have always wanted to live where I eat when hungry, sleep when tired, and work when I needed to. I understand I cannot comepletely do that because of my work schedule but I think I am going to try to follow this as much as possibel. Work is not my whole day, only part of it. so if I come home and I am tired (honestly, I will not be able to practice this until I live in my own place again) I will go to bed. If i wake up at 2 am and want to edit photos for a couple of hours and go back to sleep for a couple, then who is to say that is wrong. It is a proven fact that naps and short spurts of sleep are more beneficial than trying to sleep long and hard all night. It is like eating. Only take what you need to get you to the next one. If I eat every 3 hours then I don't need to eat a large meal each time. Sleep can be the same way. At least I will try it. I know that I feel refreshed for 3-4 hours after waking up and then tire out. I don't know if there is something medically wrong with me or if I just don't rest properly, but I am willing to try this and find out. Time to go, what an exciting day this was. Days like today are what I want Heaven to be about. And I have not even mentioned that after returning to my car I find out that my window does not go up or down. So when I get home I spend and hour fixing that. I reacted to it very well because that is what I do now, I react to things in a positive manner.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" found something and found something i want today. first, as i was walking to Ihop with mom & dad, i found a dollar bill on the ground. i am sorry for someone else's loss, but it is my gain. I put it away as a lucky charm and will only spend in an emergency, a real emergency. second, the other day i read about a portable battery operated cd burner that you put your memory card from your camera into and you can burn your files onto a disc anywheres, anytime. only one problem. it costs $300. but today i found out about a portable, battery operated external 20 gig hard drive that only costs $130 with a $30 mail in rebate. you put your memory card in it and upload your files. later you connect it to your computer via usb cable and upload to your computer. my only problem, but it can be overcome, it does not take the xd card. i have to buy a compact flash adapter for $50 and then i can use my camera's memory card. so it will cost me $150, but that is alot cheaper than the burner and it holds more than 20 times the amount of data.

Exactly how it should be, the way it was, the way it will be again.....

"'My standards aren't high...I want someone who I feel good with...'"

So I am not the only one doing this.....

"taking my time... Ok so EVERYONE has been asking me lately why I don't have a boyfriend yet. I tell them: I have dated. I am divorced. WHY would I want to jump into a relationship??? The only person I wanted to even think about in that way was only because hes funny and I had a past with him... but in reality the reason why I don't have anyone right now is because I am picky... and that's what I tell them: I'M TAKING MY TIME. I am taking my time, living my life, accomplishing my goals, having fun, and figuring out who I really am. I had a dose of self-realization this weekend." This is a quote from a blog I came across and it describes why I have not "moved on". I am taking my time also, being picky, because I never want to go through what I have gone through again.
"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" I was talking with mom and dad this evening and I have decided what I want to do with my life, mostly after jess is grown and my child support for ryan has ended. I want to live somewheres (duh!) for between 1 and 2 years, working as walmart greeter or dealership porter, making enough money to pay rent and save a little. And then move to someplace else, see someplace new. Since I was a kid I have always wanted to see everything, do everything. Well, everything may not be possible, but I do want to see and experience as much as I can. I want to live in New York City, to experience it. I want to live in Florida and Northern California or Oregon. I want to live in Alaska. I would do it now if it wasn't for Jess. I want to live simply and shoot tons of photos and write about what I have done and seen. This will be my legacy for my family's descendents. It will be my immortality. I want to own a sport utility or a van with a small trailer (picture a small, enclosed U-Haul trailer) and what doesn't fit in these doesn't go with me. Furniture is easy to replace, I can go to a thrift store and buy a sofa and a table or two for my tv and equipment. The only furniture I would keep with me is my Grandmothers bedroom set. By the time I am able to do this, high speed internet will be as commonplace as cable tv is now and probably cheaper. I have never needed alot for my personal happiness, mostly just the ability to explore the world, see all I can. Everything I do from hear forward is going to be geared towards doing that. I know I will have grandchildren someday, and I will love them and want to see them as much as possible. But I also think doing things this way, I can be there for them too. As I said with the internet being everywheres all the time, I can keep in touch, not just on the phone, but by video chat and I can send pictures and presents from the places I live. And I may make it a yearly thing that when I get ready to move somewheres else I go and visit the grandkids for a couple of weeks before I move on to the next place. I don't know the numbers, but quite a number of grandkids do not grow up close to their grandparents. I grew up far from my grandparents, but I remember spending many summers visiting them. Who knows, maybe I will work it so that I never move in the summer time so that my grandkids can come and visit me for a week or two. There are many ways to accomplish these things. Maybe to some I don't sound like I have great aspirations, but no matter what we aquire in life, we cannot take it with us once our time on earth ends. I don't need to own alot of material things, I just want alot of lifes experiences. What I do need is my camera, a computer or two, and not much else. If somewheres, sometime I meet a woman that thinks she would enjoy this kind of nomadic life, great, if not well, I will be happy anyways.

A new journey...

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" as i was writing an email to a guy that is going through a similiar time as I have been going through, it occurred to me why I don't want to move on. I have decided I want to explore my feelings for Tam even more indepth than what I have done so far. I have written about my love for her, what went wrong, what I have learned, etc, etc. I know I could find another girlfriend easy enough. I could have one within a month, maybe 2 at the most. What I want to explore is what sets Tam apart from all those I have known and from those I do yet know? What is it about her that keeps me from letting go. I may never find these answers but it is a journey I must undertake. There was a time when I thought there would never be a woman that would take an interest in me. I have learned that is not true. There are many women out there that would enjoy my company, that would find something attractive about me and want to be with me, socially as well as intimately. But there is something different about Tam. I am not looking at this as a spurned lover that longs for what he had, but rather as someone that now understands that no matter what happens in life from here on out, what I feel for Tam is not likely to be duplicated with the same depth of feeling. Maybe it is wrong to try to quantify and analyze my feelings for her, but it is what I do to get past her. I want to explore and find out just why she means so much to me. Possibly if I can identify just what it is that sets her apart, I will know even more what it is I want in the next woman that decides she wants to get to know me. I know she has found another to love and that apparently she no longer has a love for me, but that is ok, I want her to be happy. And I do hope that this other person takes care of her, because it will not be a good thing for him if I find out he hurts her in any way. This journey is not only about Tam, but is a kinda of spiritual journey for me as well. It is not really about Tam, but about me, what do I stand for? What is important in the overall scheme of life for me? Why would I rather hold onto the past and my feelings for her rather than let her go and move on to another? These and many more questions are what I will seek to answer in the coming weeks and months. I have been reading the second book in the 'Left Behind' series. I know these are works of fiction based upon someones ideas about what could happen, yet I am glued to the books, I cannot wait to open them up and read the next chapter. I want to know what is going to happen! I don't believe it is coincidence that the Tribulation Period after the Rapture lasts 7 years just as it has been 7 years since this period of my life (meeting Dawn) started. I am entering a wonderful part of my life and I don't want to waste a moment of it. I look back on the past 20 years and it makes me look forward to the next 20 as I work to overcome and correct some of the choices I have made. I carry a wisdom that I never had before, but along with the wisdom I have accumulated I have a method for using it. Everything happens for a reason and my working with Roger Kimball at Ben Franklin was not an accident. I learned "critical thinking" and how to use it in everyday life from him. For what good is wisdom and knowledge if you don't know how to use it? I have known alot of the "rules" of life, but for whatever reason just could not see how to follow them. I was blind, but now I can see, and I know what I am looking at. Yes, I very much look forward to the next stage of my life. My focus is on my daughter, her children when she has them, and getting myself ready for the last stage of my life, the "after 60" years if I am fortunate enough to live that long. I want to be able to do things with my grandchildren, things I did with my daughter and some things that I could not do, because of money or distance, whatever the reasons. If, by chance, a companion is meant for me somewheres in all that, so much the better, but these are my priorities. I must say that getting this computer from mom and dad has been a huge moral booster. surfing the internet and playing with my digital photos is my personal joy. it is what i like to do. and now that i can set it up the way i want it, surf when i want, and edit when i want, it has made things so much better for me personally. dad got a rubber "elbow" form a wrecking yard yesterday for my car and it is fixed once again. I hope this is all for awhile now!! time to quite for awhile, my hands hurt!


This guy says how I feel...

"You can't keep holding onto someone who doesn't want to be held onto any longer. Be her friend, or lover. You can't hold on all by yourself. You have to let go....... A new, more precious and appreciative flower awaits. If only you'll let her in.... posted by Matthew Moore " I hope he does not mind me quoting him, but this is what I have been telling myself for awhile now.

Starting over...

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" No, not in a new relationship. I mean starting over in life. Completely. From day 1. I am 39, but I am going to be as I was when I was 19, only older, with more knowledge and maturity. I work with a guy named Jeremy. He is 24, married and has a baby less than a year old. He owns a home, drives a cool car and is fixing to purchase a new Titan truck. He is where I should have been 15 years ago. But I made certain choices. I got involved with a female way too young for me. I made a choice to be with her and therefore have a single income. We had a daughter and I chose to raise her. Again, a single income for 2 people. I worked hard, missed out on alot with her, and I chose to give everything up to try to have some happiness starting over with someone else. It all ended. I know it will not be totally as if I was 19 again. I still have my daughter to help raise (and of course who I love and miss so much). I have some bills that need tending to. but in spirit, I am starting over. I am going to do what I should have done 20 years ago. Start out slow and take small steps towards achieving a level of comfort that I can be content with. I have done things so wrong because I had not idea of how to do them. I may be 20 years behind where I should be, but I am strong in my faith and belief that it is better late than never to change course and try a new way, keeping in mind the road already traveled.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" Today is the 25th. it is the 5 month anniversary of the day i left rc. it has been a difficult day, for alot of reasons. i have been thinking of the past couple of years of my life and how much i miss what i had. i pray alot, i pray for strength to get through the challenges that come my way. i pray for guidence and direction. i pray for the health of myself and those i love, including those that i love but no longer love me. i ask myself how do i get past this? how do i stop the hurt? and the answer is, it will never stop. because i never forget. never forget things that happened and how i felt when those things were happening. sometimes i think it is a curse, to never forget, but i know that when i am old and look back on my whole life, i will be happy to remember everything that has happened to me. i also know that i have a chance to start life all over again. to do things right. i am never going to be rich, but i can have a rich life. i still miss her and i still love her and there is no sense in denying it. i have come to terms with where i am in my life now.


this was good!!

'transformation begins with me'. This recognizes that whenever you seek to improve the world, you must first make the changes necessary within yourself. Your character, the example of who you are and how successfully and happily you live your life are more powerful engines of change than all the words that you could ever write, or all the battles you could ever fight."
"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" What a day! our computers went out around 12:30 and did not come back on until 5:30. at our Toyota store they were digging up the entrance to the parking lot when the construction crew cut a T-1 internet connection. a large portion of arlington was out of service. SBC had 3 trucks out to splice together over 800 wires that make up the cable. so most of us stood around for 5 hours and did nothing. if ever there was a time to have a slow day it was today. we had hardly any business at all. somehow things work out for the best if you just look for the positive in any situation. tomorrow i am going in early because kris is not going to be at work. her husband and her are signing the papers on their new house. i am so happy for them. i have been reflecting back on the last 20 years of my life and so clearly see where i just did not think about my choices. they all seemed so right at the time, but if i had to do over, i would make different choices. but you can't go back, all you can do is learn from them and make better decisions the next time around. for me i am now focusing on the the next 10 years. they are going to be years of not alot of money and not alot of luxuries. but i am working to set myself up to be able to things with my grandkids, when i have them. if jess waits just 5 years to have children, then the 1st one will be 5 in 10 years. i want to be able to do things with and for my grandchildren. that means money. i really think to accomplish what i want i need to stay away from women and relationships. i don't want to be distracted from being able to do for my daughter and her kid(s). i can't say what will happen, and i certainly would be open to a companion to share time with, but i am not going to be actively seeking it. too little time left in life, and too much to do. the hose i had repaired on the buick blew off again today. i am taking the rental truck back in the morning and dad will pick me up tomorrow evening. i asked him to see what he could do with the car, hopefully he can replace the hose in time for me to take it friday. we cannot be without a vehicle right now. the insurance people finally showed up and that is why we have to turn in the rental tomorrow.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" sometimes things just work out!! sunday i purchased an ethernet card and a router for the pc mom & dad gave me so that mom and i could be on the dsl at the same time. i installed it all yesterday, and after a little configuring, it was up and running! and the icing on the cake is that last night i happened to be looking at the fry's advertisement and i saw the very same router i purchased on sale!! i paid $40 and it was on sale for $20! today at lunch i went back to fry's and recieved a store credit for $21.50. i used that to purchase a trackball like the one i had before. when i finally get my things from rc, i will take my old trackball to work and use it there. this has worked out very well, to say the least. somewhat of a rough day at work. i kept my interraction with the cashiers on a professional level. i feel that is the best way to do things. i don't want to develop friendships at work, it can cause too many problems. i was so busy logging in new cars and then printing the pdi ro's. talked to jess tonight, but not for long. she wanted to save her time for her mother, which i understand. i was not aware until last week that tina was not getting equal time because i was using it up. jess has a decision to make about where she is going to live once she leaves the ranch. because her mother and step-father are going to divorce, i have a feeling she will go live with her mother. i am going to work to get tina released from all child support obligations so that if she chooses to come back and live in texas she can without fear. that way jess can be closer to me. i may have mentioned in a previous post, but i am leaning towards staying here with mom and dad until the end of the year so that i can pay off bills and save to go to rc and get my things. if i have everything paid off by sept. i can go in mid december to retrieve my things. i will get my vacation pay in december, so christmas will be paid for. thats enough for tonight.
"I will tell you that there have been no failures in my life. I don't want to sound like some metaphysical queen, but there have been no failures. There have been some tremendous lessons. -- Oprah Winfrey" I, too, have learned some tremendous lessons, and I am sure I will learn some more before it is all said and done, but sometimes it is worth it.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. -- Elbert Hubbard That is how I used to be. I was so afraid of making a mistake that it drove me crazy. I now know and understand that I will make mistakes. It is how I react to, and resolve those mistakes that matters, just as it is with anything that happens to me in life.
"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" interesting weekend. saturday started off disjointed at work, then smoothed out, and then i was totally dissed by this 20 something cashier that has much to learn about working with others. i know i am not her boss, and that is why i walked away from her mouth (which is part of the new me, recognizing when i am not going to improve the situation and walking away), but i do think with my age and experience, the should have been a small bit of respect involved. she should not have argued with me in front of customers, and she should not have tried to make a decision on her own. she should have called bruce (he was playing driver) and asked if what to do. i said my piece to bruce, and have let it go. i don't get paid enough to take on that responsibility as i did before. and i have no interest in arguing a point with her. misty is known for arguing with co-workers, in front of customers, and for trying to make decisions that neither her nor i have the authority to make. moving forward, i begged and cried enough that dad finally gave me a computer. he had 3 he never uses (well, one is still being built) and i have none. he has said all along, 'you can use it', meaning the one he was given by uncle andy, but he gets upset when a person changes the settings etc. i told him i don't want to "use" a computer, i want it so that i can set it up the way i want to set it up, without having to hear any flak. so he gave it to me, and then when we were at frye's, o bought a router and ethernet card so that i can hook it up to the dsl and mom and i can be online at the same time. in other news, i am moving toward the decision to stay her for the rest of this year. i want to get my bills paid off, and save enough money to go to rc and get my things. just because it will be cold there in november and december does not mean it will be snowing and the weather bad. and i may be able to go earlier than that, sept or october. once i get these bills paid, i can save $150/week for 10 weeks and i will have enough to get a plane ticket and rent a truck. as much as i want my own place, this is the prudent move. i will wait for a final decision until may 1st, but i am leaning this way. i will just talk to the apt complex i paid my app fee to and ask if the can keep it on file and i will take whatever deal they have on a 1 bedroom when i get ready to move. and if they won't do that, i will just find somewhere else to live, closer to work. sooner or later an apt complex will let me move in, even if i have to pay extra. and by this time the truck and several credit cards will be paid off, improving my credit record somewhat. i also need to work on getting the house out of my name. that should help also. going in to work this morning for just a bit, told a customer saturday i would check on a rental bill for her. she is very hot, but she is a total bitch that we will never get rid of. i need to run to frye's also to pick up a longer rj-45 cable so i can hook up the router. i hope it all works.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" well, it is officially unofficial, the start of spring. last night was a very humid and warm night. I slept with the window open and 2 fans blowing air upon me. and the birds, oh the birds!, they start their medley of songs early now and go all morning!! but it is all good, as it signals a new season is upon me, with new experiences to be savored and enjoyed. I did not sleep very well last night though, kept waking up from dreams about work and tam. seems tam and i were going to be moving to austin for some kind of school she was wanting to attend. oh well, some dreams are just that, dreams. another item for my life list 'To have at least one article with photos published'. I am thinking of writing about my trips as if I was writing for Texas Highways or some such magazine. Practice. I am also going to check into taking some kind of classes. It may never happen, buy I am going to try. With my work schedule, if I could find a class that starts early in the morning, say 7:30, then I could attend class and make it to work by 10:00. I can only try. Today is payday. I am debating whether to eat lunch out at Souper Salads. I have a coupon, but if I spend $5 today, and then $4 on my usual saturday morning breakfast, that is $10 (rounded off, I can add!!) that I could use elsewhere. Also, I think I want to save so I can eat out on Monday and have Super Buffet chinese for lunch. I will continue to ponder this decision. What does it take for for someone to get over another person?? It has been over 5 months since tam ended our marriage, and I still hurt because of it. Knowing I have been replaced only makes it hurt more. Most of the time I don't even think about it anymore, but then there are those moments when it just hits me. I remember something we did or somewhere we went, and I FEEL her, I can feel the energy that had existed between us. I know that someday I will be able to bury these feelings, that they will come to the surface of my consciousness less and less often. I think that the woman I continue to hurt over no longer exists, she is someone that I once knew and loved. But we are always changing, evolving, shaped by our experiences in life. and whatever her experiences have been since I left, they have changed her. Since I have not seen her in 5 months, she is no longer the woman I knew. Would I want to know here now? of course I do. But I have been sent down a path that was not entirely of my choosing, and yet I am embracing that path because one can never know what kind of wonderful is just around the bend. Optimism and hope and faith keep me going forward. Life is too short to have negative thoughts about any of this. I watched part of a program last night on PBS. It was a plug for this guys book titled "The Power of Intention". but listening to him talk, he made alot of sense about the power in everything around us. As he said, a picture can have power. Think of the emotional power that comes from looking at a loved one's picture. I see Jess, and a parents love for their child overwhelms me. I see Tam, and I feel pain and agony, because I have a love for her that is no longer returned. The attitude you carry around affects the kind of power you get in return from others. I had carried so much negative energy for so long, but I have proven to myself that if you have an upbeat, positive energy, it will affect those around you in how they interract with you. Sometimes it is hard, because the way we carry and represent ourselves is habit formed, but just as a habit can be changed and overcome, so can the habit of our personality. I work hard at this and it is working. I just cannot explain in words how I feel, what has happened to me. But it is some kind of wonderful. The only drawback, but there is always a price to pay for anything, is that Tam does not get to be part of this, this "awakening".


Lady Top Gun

Lady Top Gun she is just beginning where I have been the past 5 months. I remember what it was like back then, oh what a road I have traveled, but looking back I realize just how far I have yet to go.
"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" What a good day!! of course I felt good, I have been feeling so good for the past 2-3 weeks (maybe there is something to this St. Johns Wort stuff??). I fixed my car this morning, there was this little bitty vacuum hose that had become kinked. once I straightened it out, the car started right up and ran just fine. Then, Misty, who had come back to work today offered my half of her hamburger, when it just happened to be 1:00 pm, just the time I usually get hungry right before i go to lunch at 2:00pm. that worked out well. found out our new file clerk girl is only 17, she will be 18 next month. man, is she hot!! but she is way to young for me. doesn't seem fair, the hottest chicks are always too young for men just as we get old enough to grow up a little bit!! talked to Tom and Tina today. told Tom I am tired of being in between them. I have decided to just talk and listen to Tina. I told Tina this evening she should come be with me. We need to get these kids grown and I am stable, don't drink and I keep my job. Jess is afraid she will have to give up her momma if she comes to live with me. I have always loved Skyler as a son. This is not about love, but about companionship without bullshit and getting these kids grown. then we can go about our ways if that is what we choose to do. I doubt she will do it, but the offer is there. either way I want to get things situated so when Jess gets here I can do my best to get her on her own in a positive way. Today is my 3 month anniversary for working at Don Davis. The job has turned out to be what I always wanted. I am well-liked, respected, I have a distant out of the way office that is cool and comfortable and I like what I am doing. Another demonstration that I am someone different than I used to be was I had been booking a certain operation for the replacement of the catalytic converter incorrectly. Kris came to me and showed me what I was doing wrong and I said wow, no one had ever told me before. Now I will know it. I only hope that this once in a while thing of being incorrect will not keep the techs from asking me, because I am still right many more times than I am wrong. But confidence is a different thing than arrogance. I am confident in my knowledge of what I am doing, but I know that I am not always correct, that I will always have more to learn. Just as in life.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" Not much to report today. Can't explain it but I had such a feeling of well-being. i dont know if it is the st johns wort or what but whatever it is, i am liking it!! got a phone call from tina tonight. she did not talk at all about jess, only said she needs to fax me a note about the truck. seems tom is not working again and he is drinking and driving with a suspended license. i will sign the paper and fax it back to her so things will be ok there. she needs to just leave him. does she want that for the rest of her life? i mean even if she does love him, sometimes love is not enough. the buick is sick but she is hanging in there. i just want it to hold together until sunday when dad and i can get out there and check it out properly. i am feeling so good i am back to watching seinfeld every night before i go to sleep. it had been mine and tam's "show" that we used to watch together every night before we went to sleep, before we had moved to rc. i really am feeling as though i am passed her. i don't think about her near as much. and when i do, i force myself to think of other things, things that i want to do or need to do. i am getting ready to start my "life list", a list of all the things i want to accomplish while still here on this earth, both small and large. here is a sample: 1. get my pilots license. 2. live in new york city for at least 1 year 3. become debt free (including finishing my child support obligation) 4. live on a boat for at least 1 year. this is just a sampling, it will become larger, with both small things and these large dreams. watching tonights episode of seinfeld, the thrust of the show is about worlds colliding. this is a lesson for me, sent by God possibly. when i get my own place and jess is living with me, i need to keep my "worlds" apart. i need to have my home life with my daughter seperate from my personal life with other adults (i.e., women, girlfriends, etc). it has taken alot of time and pain and suffering, both on my part and my daughters part for me to finally figure this out. i only hope it isn't to late for her. talking to her she seems to have it together pretty good. she is finally figuring things out. misty is due back to work tomorrow. last week was such a sad week. misty's boyfriends mother committed suicide and then 2 days later, murph, our porter, his son did the same. it shames me sometimes for my upbeat good feelings when others are suffering so much. but my faith is in God and his reasons for what happens.
"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" yesterday was on of those days that is just a challenge to get through. i had so much to do, i am still playing cashier from 3-7pm and i was fighting a cold or allergy's. but i did it with grace and a smile, which left me feeling very good. I had told Kris that if I didn't feel better in the morning I wouldn't be in, but i do feel better this morning, although I am not 100%. woke up several times because of sinus congestion therefore my mouth was very dry from breathing through it. but i will make it. today is the last day I have to play cashier, Misty will be back tomorrow. the new file clerk started yesterday. saturday stacy was telling me about her. she said the only reason Bruce hired her was because she was hot. and she is pretty hot. not only that but she is foreign with olive skin (mediterranean?). of course she is too young for me and I am not looking for anything with anyone right now, but it is kinda neat to work with three hot young women, 2 of which have become my friends. talked with jess last night. she is hurting right now because her momma won't talk to her. seems tina has shut her out becasue she is mad at jess and i. jess is growing up and she really is beginning to figure out how other people are. she told me she is afraid of losing her momma if she comes to live with me. i told her she knows how her momma is, that she shuts people out when she is hurt or angry. i told jess she knows her momma is like this and that she just has to learn to deal with the best she can. she told me it isn't fair, it told her that is right. she also mentioned how i left out of her life. and i did, although i kept praying for her to grow up to the point where she could come and visit me. i think she is on the road to being that way. she said her momma being like this makes her want to go live with her just so she won't lose her momma. i told her she cannot make her decisions base on her momma being this way. that is her momma's choice to do this. make her decision based on what she wants and others have to live with their choices. i made a choice to move to rc, to give up my good paying job, my house, and my nice truck all so i could build a new life with tam. no one made me do these things. so just because tam was weak and ran away from our issues, i do not hold her responsible or blame her for my current situation. and someday, if i love another woman, i probably would do it again. because i believe in love, commitment. if i cannot love someone enough to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, then i don't love them enough to be with them in the first place. i have never been one for casual relationships, and even though i have changed so much about my attitude, that is something i don't think will ever change. i want to be with someone in a monogamous, one on one relationship. even if it is just dating and spending some quality time together, i don't want to compete with anyone else. by the 3rd date either we should know we want to be together exclusively, or we know we need to move on. i am not saying move in or marry by the 3rd date, just that we know we are not going to date anyone else. i read an article the other day about the guy that created the sitcom "the kelly's". it is loosely based on his life. he was raised in a stuffy family in conneticut, while he married a woman from the midwest that had a family that was fun and outgoing doing alot together. now i am not saying my family is stuffy, my point is that when i get with a woman, they don't seem to realize not only do i fall in love with them, but i get a new, bigger family that i also love. i love my parents to death, but when a woman runs away from our relationship, she also takes her family away from me, people that i have come to love dearly. like jess said, it isn't fair. i keep trying to help bruce out by finding a cheap desk for my office and he keeps insisting i get a $500 desk out of the catalog. so i guess i will get an expensive desk for my office. i am beginning the think i will not be able to move into an apartment in july as i had hoped. i will make a decision on or around may 1st. i will go to the apt's i have paid my app fee to and ask them if i can move in around sept 1st. i know i will not be able to keep the price they gave me for the apartment, i will just tell them i will take whatever is available in sept. i am going to have to spend some money on the buick and that will see me back on paying off my bills. it is running ok, but the "service engine soon" light is on. i need to have that fixed by next december so i can get another state inspection on it and i will not have any money then so i need to do it now. i hope the sun is out this weekend, i am looking forward to shooting some sunset pics using my new polarizing filter. it will make such a big difference on shots of the water and glass. got to go to work now........


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" what a mixed day! tough but yet enjoyable! i went to the courthouse to get a copy of my divorce decree from my marriage to tina so that i can get information about jess from the ranch. it was an enjoyable ride on the train there and back. it always reminds me of that day tam and i spent riding the train when we played hooky from work. it was one of many wonderful experiences with her. ah well, i digress. once i had gotten back to the car and had headed off for work to p/u the purchase order for my fan, i was feeling pretty good. after leaving work and then dropping off a check for my personal loan payment, it happened. i had to hit the brakes pretty good to avoid running a red light and the car spit and sputtered real bad. it restarted but would only spit and sputter and then die. this went on for 30 seconds or so before it finally stayed running so i got going again. i was on my way to arlington camera to purchase a polarizing filter for my camera (even though i have one in rc, i have know idea when i will get back there). the car seemed to be running fine after i left there and headed to granger to p/u the fan but it spit and sputtered again in the parking lot of a warehouse district so i made the decision to get the fan another time and i headed to walmart. i had to get my groceries and i thought it might clear up after sitting awhile. and the sputtering did clear up but now it would not idle down. it was just screaming so i continued to walmart, purchased my groceries and some transmission fluid, i had checked it when i arrived at walmart and it seemed quite low. i thought this possibly was the problem also. added the fluid, started the car and it still was idling way too high. so i came home, fixed some lunch and then decided i just had to get to the bank and deposit my paycheck. once i had returned home i went out and started to look for anything that might be out of the ordinary. and then i found it! the hose that had broken off when i had replaced the rocker cover gasket had broken off once again. i reglued it on and i am hoping that was it. i am allowing the gasket sealer to completely cure before i start the car. if that fixes it, i hope that it will hold out until next sunday when dad and i can replace it with some new hose (i will get some at work tomorrow). all in all, a good day because it is not what happens to you in life, but how you react to what happens that matters. and that reaction will in turn have a "butterfly effect" as to what happens next which then leads to another reaction etc., etc., etc,. it is a never ending chain of events. i have looked back at so many decisions i made in life and have seen how lucky i truly have been because of how things could have gone. i was looking at the website that lists sex offenders for the state of texas, specifically this zip code. there are quite a number of registered sex offenders just around here (three on this street alone!) i have no idea what was going through my head by marrying a 14 yr old girl!!! that is the age of my daughter right now! i will never ever regret the birth of my daughter (which came 2 years after marrying her mother) but again, what was i thinking??!! i look back and all i could think was this was the first and only female that was going to want to be with me!! i was so naive back then (and still was until several months ago in alot of ways!!). and because of the birth of my daughter and consequently raising her alone while working long hours i stayed naive to the ways of the world with women. and then because of that i fell head over heals for dawn after just knowing her for a month, again what was i thinking??!! her and i just did not give it enough time to grow and then she bacame pregnant and we rushed everything and it all fell apart. even though she is not very nice to me i don't hold anything against her, we just did not do thngs right. then i met bethany and finally i had a pretty good relationship, but once again we rushed things. if we had stuck with our first choice which was to wait until the end of the school year (this was in august) we might still be together now. but even though that relationship ended, i learned so much from it and from her. i figured out what it was i wanted from a woman, how i wanted to be treated. i also finally realized that i could attract women, that there were women out there that would enjoy my company. i also learned that i cannot be all things to all people, although this really took until the last few months to sink in. i took time off (18 months or so) from dating and just focused on myself and jess. then when i did start to date again, i decided i didnt want a long term committed relationship, that there were alot of women out there that just wanted some company but that i didnt have to marry them or live with them. and then i met her, tammi gwen taggart hallmark, and she became tammi gwen taggart titsworth. even though i fell for her from the first moment, i was going to go slow and be wary because of my past relationships. i had suffered alot during my divorce from dawn, and i was saddened alot by my breakup with bethany, so i did not want another failed relationship. i went slow, watching for how we interracted. and after a month or so, i knew what it was i loved about her so much. of course her smile and the way her eyes would light up when i saw her. but it was the way she made me laugh. i had never laughed quite as much or as hard as i did with tam. it made her special in my life. i still went slowly, kept our bank accounts seperate. told her she owed no bills, i was going to make the house payment whether she was there or not. i just wanted to know if i could see myself with her for the rest of my life. and i came to believe that no matter what happened, no matter how much our girls dissed us, we would be together. that we would stand together forever as one. and because of that i put all my faith in her and walked out onto a limb, trusted her so completely. and that limb broke. now i am afraid that i will never be able to trust a woman quite that much again. i feel i will never again be able to allow myself to love someone quite as much as i will want to love them. tam was right, life is too short to be unhappy, but she makes if seem like happiness just happens, and that is not reality. it takes work, sacrifice, understanding, forgiveness, effort, and many many more things to make happiness a reality. life is never quite perfect but it can be wonderful if you accept some limits. i have spent the better part of 5 months trying to learn from all of this and i have come out of it feeling so much better, so much at peace with myself. i finally admitted that i was angry with the world for what had happened to me, but that anger was holding me back. i am not angry any longer. i feel good, and i know that if it is God's will, i will love again, that there is a woman somewhere that will love me and want to share time with me.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" why do i torture myself so? i repeat many times how i am trying to get past tam, to stop hurting, i want to enjoy my new found happiness. yet i sit here making a love song cd, listening to some of the most sensous music i have ever heard. i listen to these songs (i highly recommend getting "the art of noise"), knowing they are the kinds of songs tam would love, the kind of music i would make love to her listening to. i look at the women as i pass by wondering if they are like her, if the would like me. wanting to know if there is another out there that would love me as tam did. with all the passion feeling that we shared once upon a time. as much as i would enjoy the company of another person this is not the right time because i would want them to be her, to do things they way she did. i am moving on, but that does not have to include being with someone. right now, i am not in a state of mind to want to be close to someone. friends are very good and i surely want to have some friends, but how can i love someone else when i still love her. just because she no longer wants me and she has another in her life does not mean i can automatically turn off how i feel. i do not run from these feelings nor to i try to hide them. running away is what got us in this situation in the first place. i took a look in the mirror and i decided there were things i liked about the man i saw and there were things i did not. and i made a vow to do something about those things i did not like and i have although it is a work in progress, it will be till the end of my days. my feelings have changed where i don't hurt so much about the breakup as i hurt because i feel so good and i can't share it with the one person on this planet that i want to spend the remainder of my days with. i guess someday i will be ready to meet someone but right now is not the time. bonnie raitt says it so well, "i can't make you love me if you don't". tam sent those emails, first saying she was with someone and it was a woman, that she was a lesbian. then she says she lied about that, she is not a lesbian. she just felt i was not moving on with my life. and then she asks me to mail her something if i find it but she has to include she has moved in with someone and they are "in love". why does she feel the need to include that? does she think it will make me put her in the past any easier? she is mistaken. just because she no longer loves me does not mean i have stopped loving her. to stop loving her would be to stop breathing. that does not mean i will not be able to love someone else, in time i will be able to bury these feelings, but never will i be able to stop loving her. i hope she is happy, that is all i ever wanted for her. but all she does when she says such things is patronize me. i don't want her pity, i don't want her apologies. i just want her to be sure in heart that all this is what she wants. we will divorce, we will move on in different directions in our lives. we will become distant memories to each other, but i hope once in a while she will think back to the good things we shared and how we played together and she will feel a little warmth knowing that no matter where she goes in life, there is someone out there that loves her beyond what most people are capable of feeling and that he will forever be a phone call away. when i look around, all i see, feel, and hear is tam. i pray to God that she be taken care of, that she gets through whatever obstacles come her way and that the remainder of her life is happy and fulfilling. i will make mine be as i will be nothing less than positive about my future.
"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" not much to post today. rained this morning, went store hopping with the folks and have been just laying back this afternoon. i don't know if it really works or it is all in my head, but i am a true believer in st john's wort. ever since i have started taking it i have felt so at peace, for lack of better descriptive words. i feel good, have a very positive outlook on life and am generally happy. where i used to shun being around people i now want to be around them. i keep hoping stacy or misty will invite me to tag along on their friday nights when they stop off for drinks and appetizers and then go to the movies. i will not be tacky and invite myself but i keep hoping. friday a week ago we had a luncheon catered in because our dealership won a big award. in the past i would have avoided such a thing, but i went and it felt good. i know i have been angry with world for a very long time but the events of the past year, both good and bad, have made me realize how that was holding me back. keeping me from being happy. i lost the woman i loved so much because i was an angry person. my daughter has been away from me for the better part of 3 years because i was an angry person. i don't know if it is any one thing or a combination of many things but i have come to a point in my life where i know time is running out. even if i have 30 more good years, that is less than what i have already lived and i do not want to live it being angry with the world. i have put alot of faith in God in that he will lead me when i cannot see, carry me when i cannot walk, help me when the burden is more than i can handle alone. i miss tam so much, but because of how i feel right now i would not trade the past 6 months for anything. i only pray that i do have a chance at the happiness i felt when i was with her once again, with someone. i focus my energies on the tasks in front of me, not on my pain of being left behind and replaced and not on my uncertain future. just on what i need to do at any given moment.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" had a really good day at work today. i am so happy, but that happiness makes me so sad. i can't explain it but i just feel so at peace with myself, who i am and my place in the world. but i have no one to share it with and that really hurts. i wish her well, just don't want to know about her anymore. i am a pie sliced into many pieces. on slice is pain, which turns to anger. another slice is peace, for how i now feel. another is joy at my good fortune, because of the job i have now. i am realy enjoying it right now. a good attitude has helped alot. fear takes up a large slice, fear of the future. will i love again? will i allow myself to love again? will i be able to get jess to adulthood without her becoming a drug addict or prostitute? will my health continue to hold out well enough for me to do the things i enjoy? why do i still hurt over what she did? i continue to try to not hurt, to somehow force myself to not feel the pain i feel, but it comes back. it is not fair that she has someone to love and all i can do is continue to hurt. if she can move on without me that easily, then she surely did not love me as she made me believe she did. you cannot love someone the way we supposedly loved each other (as i have loved her) and give up that easily, walk away without so much as an attempt to make it work. it is ok, i will be ok, but she sure should have been more sure of her feelings before she took those vows. i guess it has just gotten so easy for her to say them without putting meaning behind them. i guess it isn't my problem anymore. i have accepted that our lives are going in seperate directions. i cannot help but hurt, but i continue to work towards my future. i work on those things i can control, such as becoming involved in jess' s life, getting my finances under control, doing my job. things will get easier when i am out on my own, able to do my own thing again.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" yesterday was not as tough as the 2 days before, but never the less, it was a tiring day doing double duty again. i recieve a number of letters from jess, she sent them to me, and some to mom and dad. said she was out of envelopes so she sent them all in. she should have our letters back to her by now and we will be sending more soon. i am going downtow dallas on monday to get a copy of my decree so that the ranch will talk to me more indepth about her and we can get me more involved in her counseling. i never sent a return email to tam. i dont see the point in it. what i do want to know is, why she felt it neccessary to include in her email that she has moved in with someone and they are "in love". why does she want to hurt me more than she already has? all she had to do was ask about her nana's drapes, she did not have to include anything about being in love with another. for someone that i thought was an incredibly sensitive woman, she has turned out to be the exact opposite. it hurts enough to know that what we shared together turned out to not mean very much to her, but to not only stab me witht he knife but to now turn and twist it, it is too much. i miss the woman i married, but now i wonder if she truly ever did exist? the woman i married rebuilds with alton so many times over so many years, yet i am tossed out and replaced like a cheap pair of shoes. does not seem fair, but my faith that God has another, bigger plan for me allows me to go forward with a smile on my face. I know things will work out for the best no matter what happens. i keep reminding myself over and over, it is not what happpens but rather how you react to what happens that matters the most. speaking of reacting, i made a mistake yesterday and because of it, i got a technician all worked up. he was supposed to get paid 2.5hrs for a job, but i looked it up and it was warranty (or so i thought!!) and told him he would only get 1.4hrs. he was upset, and then when i rechecked myself, i found out i was wrong, so when i told him of that, he got more upset because i made a mistake. in years past i would have taken it personally and got into an argument with the tech about how we all make mistakes,etc. and i would have just made things worse. i have done that over and over so many times where i try to make things better and end up making them worse. did it with dawn, it became the last straw in the end of our marriage. but yesterday, my reaction was to just walk away. let him cool off, and later in the day he came to me and i explained what i had done to correct the problem. i know i probably lost some credibility in my ability to look up warranty, but i rarely make those kinds of mistakes, and over time he will realize that and i will have that restored. but i think i kept his respect for me by not making things worse and arguing with him. i did not take his reaction personally, but i did feel bad because i told him one thing and then i was wrong and i just came out and admitted it to him that i was wrong. and i fixed it. i didnt try to make myself look good by telling him what i did, i just did it. it made me feel better doing it this way. i love the way i feel right now about how i conduct myself, how i react to situations. i wish i had been this way for the past 20 years, but better late than never i guess. people genuinely like me and seek out my friendship. it has become like a drug, i want to feel this way forever, so when i do find myself falling into and old habit of reaction (for that is what it is, a habit that can be broken, changed) i remind myself about a few things. take a deep breath, say to myself it is about the reaction and then formulate the correct way to react, to communicate, to negotiate. tam was wrong, the way a person handles things is nothing more than a habit and habits can be changed. she did not try to change hers, i can see now, she reacted the same way as always, she ran away. i hope she is happy with whoever she is with, maybe that person can show her these things where i could not.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" not much knew happening in my world right now. saw uncle tony again last night. he gave me a nice jacket the other night. he is trying to get rid of alot of his clothes as he is moving back to lubbock soon. the car is running like a champ right now, the only thing pressing to get fixed is the vibration at idle and get the belts replaced. i was able to talk with one of jess's counselors yesterday and found out why she had her phone privelages taken away. seems her and another girl were talking about running away. they said she is no longer talking about that so she should have privelages back next week. i hope so. they tinted the glass to my office yesterday but it looks like crap. they did the lower half in limo, but it looks the same as the rest of it and the limo was not as wide as the 20 so he had to make a seam down the middle. should have just done the whole thing in the 20. they may have him come back and redo it. we shall see. this cashier thing is hard right now as i have to do my regular job and cashier during the busiest part of the day. but it will be ok, it gets me some overtime and some brownie points. sister got the rental car (or i should say truck, it is a full size chevy p/u) yesterday. it is very nice. they were out of cars so we got the truck for the same rate as a compact car. she really likes it. the weather had been just about perfect the last few days but a front came in this morning and it is going to be much cooler (highs in the 50's) and raining the rest of the week. oh boy! i think sunday is supposed to be nice again, i am going to attempt to go to joe pool and shoot some pics, i am going to try the marina and get some reflections in the water. we shall see. this being the last year of my 30's, and it being 7 years (i have been reading the left behind series of books, 7 years seems to be a prominent thing in the bible) since i met dawn, the are metaphors for the ending of this stage of my life. from here forward, everything is about what is happening and what i hope to happen, not about what has happened. the only thing i can do about what has happened in my life is learn from it, continue to grow as a human being and as a man, a father, and i hope someday as a companion to someone who will appreciate and love who i am and what i am about. i have faith that what has happened and what has yet to happen is for the right reasons. that the Lord's plan for me will lead me to a better place. this last year of my 30's is a transition year. it is like that time between deciding to move and actually moving. you get things in order, do alot of preperation, and just keep you mind focused on things in front of you. i am doing that. my focus is on getting my bills paid, getting a bed to sleep on. things of that nature. but it is also a mental preperation for the next decade of my life. i will look back on my 30's as a time of learning, of growing from an immature father, to a more mature, wise mentor. i am so much more relaxed now, i have a much better grasp of my place in the world and the things i want to achieve. and i now have an ability to respond to the situations that arise in my life in a much better way. sometimes i find it hard to put just how i am feeling into words, but i still try. 20 or 30 years from now, when my memory starts to fail a bit, i want to be able to go back and remind myself of just what i have been through, the things i felt at this time. i never want to forget the lessons i have learned or i will be doomed to continually repeat them. and i cannot go through this anymore. the toll it takes on me is just too great. i know i am worth fighting for, i just have not met someone yet that is strong enough to fight for me, to build a happy life with me. she is out there and we will find each other, if that is what is planned for me. and if not, then i will still work towards having a fulfilling life as best as i can.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" i finally got my "sign" to move on. tam sent me a note saying she had moved in with someone back in february. she has "fallen in love" with someone and they are very happy together. she says her mail is messed up and if i get any of it to send it to an address on jackson blvd. well, i looked that address up on mapquest and it is the address of the Emergiclinic!! what is up with that?? does not matter to me anymore. she has broken my heart and i have emerged a stronger, better person for it. what is she so afraid of that she can't even put her home address in there? i don't know. all i know is someday i hope to live somewhere else than here, but right now here is where i am and where i will be for at least a few years. i have been resisting the urge to date other women and frankly the new me has had women wanting to be around me and i have been enjoying the attention but not acting upon it. i hold my head high knowing i was true to her to the end. it sure didn't take her long to replace me. there is so much i love about tam, but if she is going to be this weak person and finds it easier to move from man to man rather than stand and fight for something, she is not for me. maybe i will be alone for the rest of my days, but at least i stand tall knowing i didn't give up, that i stood up and fought for what i wanted. i can't say the same for her. it is easy to find another companion, it is not so easy to make the relationship work. i wish her happiness in whatever she does, just don't expect me to be her friend. friends don't stab friends in the back, they don't abandon you. 20 years from now we both may look back on this and feel it was the best thing that ever happened to us, and we may not. the story is not finished. i found out that i have to be a resident of texas for 6 mos and then i can file for divorce. i also found out how to do it myself. in may, when i have been back here for 6 months, if she has not filed yet, i will get the forms and file for divorce myself. i will never stop believing we had something special and that it could have continued to be special. i choose to look back over my time with her as a good thing, a wonderful time of my life that i truly know will never be duplicated again. i may once again love someone, make love to someone, but i can only equal what i had with tam, never surpass it. if she ever comes to that conclusion herself, she only need to pick up the phone, write me a letter, or send an email. we can never predict what the future will hold for us so we should not try. never say never because you just don't know. i loved her so much but now it is time to redirect my emotional energies towards the future. i have been moving forward. i have my job and am paying on my bills, i have my apartment reserved and the deposit paid for. i have a car and am fixing it up so i am moving onward with my life, i just had held out hope. but i do pray alot and I know that whatever God has in his plans for me, things will work out. I used to try to control my life, now I just take care of what I can control over and have my faith that the Lord will carry me through the things I cannot control. I am no longer angry at the world and the people in it that had tortured me the Daniel Zinsmeisters of the world that had picked on me. I am a happy person now, everything that happens i turn into a positive thing. and it has brought me alot of peace. even this latest email from tam will be turned into a positive thing. i guess you could say the whole process of knowing tam as been a positive thing because i was angry at the world for so long and now i am not. i don't have time in my life to be angry at the world. i have, if i am fortunate to live long enough, 20-40 years left. and that will go by very quickly. so i no longer want to make the world pay for its transgressions towards me. this a new beginning in my life and i refuse to spend my life in a state of anger. i refuse to be anything but happy and at peace. i have looked at myself in the mirror and admitted so much to myself, been so true to who and what i am, and it is like a burded was lifted off of my shoulders. i have realized i cannot do it all for everyone. that i cannot please each and every person i come into contact with. so i just please myself, i do my job to the best of my ability and instead of hoping it is good enough for my bosses, i just say it will have to be good enough. i no longer am afraid of life. i embrace life, i look forward to each and every day as a new opportunity to share good, positive feelings with the world. this has been quite a journey, the past 20 years. but even though i am sad to finally let go of tam, to say goodbye once and for all, i am also happy to look forward to the next stage of my life. i am stepping through a doorway into a very bright light and i cannot see what is outside of that doorway, i just know it is going to be a wonderful adventure finding out. goodbye tam, you will always have a special place in my heart, because if not for knowing you i would not be who i am at this moment, and i really like who i am at this moment, i like the peace i have found. i hope you can find it too as you go through your life. you deserve it as much as i do. be happy, live life to its fullest and never, ever give up. if you truly love this person you are with, take care of them and be strong for them. who knows, maybe someday i will see you and we can say hi. but for now i must concentrate my energies on resolving some other lingering issues in my life and get ready to take on the challenge of getting my daughter into adulthood in one piece. forever your pauliemac.


Not gonna get down....

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" Well you could say when it rains it pours, but I am gonna just say it is more water for things to grow (as a metaphor for life right now!!). The heater core went out on the buick sunday. had to walk 1.5 miles to and a from the gas station to call a wrecker. dad and i had run up to fry's so he could return a computer part. on the way back, smelled coolant very strong and then the temp light came on. the heater core had busted. called autozone and they had one for $20. since sister had their car, could not get it until yesterday. so on sunday, not knowing how hard the job would be, I proceded to take out the old one. turned out to be pretty easy. yesterday I took dad to the dentist, went and paid my $40 money order to the apartments i will move to, bought the core and 2 new heater hoses, went to lunch at super buffet with dad and when we got home a 12:30 there was a message from my boss. he needed me to come in, had alot of people out. called him, told him my situation and that i would be there as soon as I could. we finished at 2:45, i showered and away i went. so i got 3 1/2 hours of overtime. I live and breathe positive vibes now. everything that happens i turn into a positive. i got another letter from jess. she is worried that i will not let her come live with me when she gets out of the ranch. i am going to assure her that if with me is what she wants, then she can come live with me. as much as i love tam, and i do love her so much, she has to be strong. i would reconcile with her in a heartbeat, but i have figured out and thought about the fact that if she is so weak that she would let a child stand in her way of her marriage, then she is too weak for me. because my daughter is who she is, i need a woman that is like me, stubborn. she is not stubborn, she just runs away. if tam became like me, she would say, "jess, the more you try to get rid of me, the more i will be up your ass!!". it really is that simple. tam always said she is a "big baby", a "chicken baby", but you know, i have come to realize, i have a tough child, a child that will get to you if you let her. and tam let her get to her. i had to be tough back with jess and i felt i was because tina and i didnt just let her run wild. we have stuck with her getting treatment. that is why i kep telling tam, i want to be near jess and have her visit, but i was not going to unless i knew jess would follow the rules and i still feel that way. i want jess to live with me and i want her to be happy. but if she is going run away, not respect me, then no. i ran into an old boss of mine saturday. her daughter is 20 now. at age 15 her daughter was running with a bad crowd, causing trouble. she told me if she had a nickel everytime her daughter told her she hated them, she would be wealthy. my old boss and her husband are raising their 2 yr old granddaughter themselves. their daughter comes and goes right now. you have to get tough. or life will just roll over you. i learned that the hard way. dawn just bulldozed me because i was scared of lawyers and the courts. i am not scared of anything anymore. moving to rc i proved to myself i can get work anywheres, that i can survive and make it. i could have stayed there and lived in that basement apartment. i would have survived. sometimes i wish i had done that. i miss rc very much, not just because of tam, but the black hills and the city, the weather. i would have brought jess there. i will go back there. every week i keep shortening the time frame for going back. now i am considering 2 years. get jess here, get her in school. dad already said that they just might live wherever jess goes so that they can be close to her. the love her so much, which cant be said for her other grandmother. i want to live in rc, but more importantly i want to live with tam. i want her to wake up, get strong and reconcile with me. i want her to have some self reflection. to learn what she did wrong and how to make it right. i have done that and i continue to do that. i am so much at peace right now. that does not mean i don't miss her. i do. i am just focused, i know what i want. i want to live with tam, wherever she wants to live. if that does not happen, i want to live in rc. and i want my daughter to live with me if that is what she wants. staying focused on my girs (tam, jess, and laura) keeps me from even considering another woman. i am not ready for that, may never be ready for that. maybe tam can "move on" with her life that easlily, but i cannot. all i want right now is my girls. if i cannot have them, i have my photography to keep me busy. i dont need any other distractions. i dont know how to let go. i think about it all the time. how do i say good bye? how do i make the pain stop? and i realize i can't. i experenced a feeling with tam that i just dont think could ever be duplicated, so i would rather hang on to that feeling. i have learned patience and humility through all of this. tam is a good woman she didnt deserve all that she has been through, i just wish she would talk to me, that she would feel my love for her and that she would once again want it. but she also has to gain a strength that she did not have before. she needs to decide that no one is going to stand in the way of her being a happy, especially a teenage girl. she needs to get stubborn in a different way than she is right now. sending me away has done me a world of good, but she needs to let go of the stubborness that keeps her from feeling how much i love her. turn it in a different direction. be stubborn in that she creates a boundary for me, a stubborness that she is not going to let my child run over her. be the stronger one. i can type all this till my fingers fall off, but it is what i believe and hope for. i dont want the tam i had, i want parts of her, but i also want a tam that is strong, that will stand with me and allow me to stand with her. i want to help her through her cancer just as i helped her through her torn calf muscle. because there would be times i would need her too. jess said things to her because jess knew tam was afraid of her. she has to not run away, but stand tall and tell her she is not afraid of her. we cannot be afraid of life and whatever it brings our way or we will never be able to fully enjoy it. when it comes to our life, we get one shot at life, no do overs. but with life comes experience and wisdom, so that we can have 2nd chances at events and things in our life. tam and i deserve a 2nd chance. we deserve to take all that has happened to us, both before we met and since we have been together, and work out a plan to make our marriage succeed. we only have so much time left on this planet we need to make the best use of it we can. she said she didnt think things would ever change, but by the simple fact of her doing this, we both have changed. you cannot tell me she is the same tam as the one i left because she has to be a different person just by doing what she did. i know i am. i am a much different person, but not so different that things we enjoyed, the laughing, the joking around, going on day trips. all of that is still there. i am just content. i am no longer angry with the world. anything and everything that happens each and every day i keep it in a positive light. the old me would have been upset that i had to give up some of my free time to go to work. i could have not called and not gone in, but the new me saw it as an opportunity to make brownie points, to make some extra money. i was happy to do it. some people after having their loved one do to them what tam did to me would say, why would i want someone that did that to me? i say, it was a good thing because i have learned more about all those around me. i handle my family better, i have been able to really feel like my love and committment to tam was tested and i passed i think. i will be a better father for this. i could be a better husband for this, if only she would enter into it with me. communicate with me about he needs, her wants, the boundaries she needs around her. the space she needs from me to be herself while being a part of "us". we all need to keep our individuality while giving up some of it to be part of something bigger, something greater.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" i am so upset right now. it seems i have learned nothing!!!. got into an argument with sister tonight. i cannot understand how people can get under my skin? how come I cannot control a response to their childish words? My only hope is that because I recognized what happened and am totally committed to not letting people get to me, I can learn to respond better. I have done a much better job at responding. but I am human and sometimes, sometimes I respond incorrectly. All I can ask for is forgiveness. You know, Tam should have forgiven me for not handling things better just as I forgave her for not standing up for me, for not communicating with me. Her loss. except for this episode this evening, which I am committed to not letting a repeat happen, i have been very happy these past few weeks. I have come to realize just how strong I am, what I want out of life. As much as I love Tam and will always desire a reconcilition with her, I am ok and I am doing ok and I will be ok. I no longer pray for her to get back with me. Don't get me wrong, I miss what I had with her terribly bad, I just no longer hurt from not having it but rather I know that is what I want with someone and I await the day when I meet someone that I will share that with again. It is kinda funny, I look at women that pass me by during the day and I think to myself, is that what my next companion, lover, looks like? I no longer have a need for personal ads. I have a dream, a goal for my life and if it is meant for someone to be a part of it, they will find me. and if it is for me to walk this path alone, then i will do that also. I have for so long tried to dictate my path in life, tried to be all things to all people. that is something i have learned the very hard way that is not possible. I have been just being me and it has been good. i have friends at work (bethany and i have drifted apart as friends, i wish her well and maybe i will get to talk to her from time to time). now i told my friend stacy at work the whole story about how i ended up in rapid city and then at don davis. all i know is it feels good to be me, to be an upbeat happy person and i want to keep that feeling. if i have to give up tam to do that, then i will. i would rather be that person with her though. she told me to move on with my life. she made up a bogus story about being a lesbian because she wanted me to move on with my life. i am moving on with my life. it is just a little harder than that to let go of a love that meant the world to me. i have come to realize that i have some good qualities that some woman on this world would like. i know this because once upon a time i thought there would never be a woman for me and now i have had 4 close relationships in 9 years. i dont know if that is a good thing or not, but it has made me realize that there are women out there that will like me for who i am. it has given me a peace of mind to just be me, do my thing and whatever happens, happens. my focus right now is on getting things organized in my life. this is the last year of my 30's and because of the things that have happened, it is only appropiate that it is the ending of my 30's because i have chosen it to be the end of my doing things the wrong way. it is the end of many things. my 30's have been a chaotic drama filled part of my life. i am setting myself up for my 40's to be a fun, relaxed part of my life. i have decided that everything is about the next 4 years. in 4 years, if jess stays in school, she will graduate. i intend to move then to where i want to live my life for however long i have left. I want to go back to rc, whether she is there or not. i love it there. i love the city, the mountains, the weather, everything about it. i loved exploring with tam, learning new things, building a new life. i figured up the cost of just leaving my stuff in storage for 4 years. it came to $2300. it will cost $1200 just to go get it. so it may just make more sense to leave it there and pay the storage fee until i move back. 48 months plus a few is not really that long. i think i will go this summer in the buick to get a few things and i am kicking around the idea of moving the important stuff into a smaller shed and donating the rest. that would make it even cheaper to leave it there. the only things i would bring back with me is my coats and clothes and maybe a few odds and ends. the rest i can live without for the next 4 years. if i am going to haul it all back i might as well just leave it there. that city is big enough for tam and me both, i probably would never even see her. i would think that after 5 years of not seeing her i could handle seeing her once in a while at the grocery store. we shall find out won't we. i have always thought i would love living in the mountains up north. i proved to myself i was right. it was everything i thought it would be and so much more. i used to never make a dream for myself because i always thought i would save that for when i met someone and we would create our dreams together. it has not worked out that way. so now i have my dream. everything i do is to make that dream continue, to become a reality. i loved living there so much, only my wife and my daughter, my stepdaughter, and my family do i love more than i loved being there. tam once said she thought i was trying things out on laura that i would use on jessica. well that is sort of true. because i thought of laura as a daughter, tried to treat her as a daughter, so what i was doing with her, of course i would do with jessica. they were my girls and i tried to treat them the same. the only thing i would have done differently with jess than laura is i would tell jess directly what i expected instead of going through someone else. maybe that was my mistake. i was only doing my best. everything i had read about being a step parent said, go through the real parent. maybe that does not apply always. i have learned that my job as a parent is to teach. i was trying to teach laura something about life. how to treat others. how to be appreciative of what others do for you. maybe i over stepped my boundaries or did a poor job of it. but it was meant with such good intentions. i am not perfect but i try to be an honorable person and that is all i was trying to pass along. it is the same things i tried to teach to jess. i failed there too. but at least i tried. so many do not try. i should not judge alton for i shall be judged, but from all i have been told about him, at least i tried to set the right example, tried to teach something good. and for that i hold my head high and have nothing to apoligize for. but i do think i could have worked it out better with tam. but then it takes two to do that and she did not meet me half way on that. why do we have to end it? why can't others have the same self-reflection i have undertaken and learn from it? why does tam have to write nasty mean stuff to tina? tina did nothing to her but be her friend. tam is older than me, but it sure seems she has more growing up to do than i do, or maybe i have done what she could not do, and because she could not do it, she felt i couldn't either and that is grow as a person. who knows?. i still love her.
"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" i have started taking st. johns wort because it is supposed to give you a feeling of "relaxation" or put you in a good mood. i dont know if it is the herb or just a placebo effect of taking the herb, but i have felt such a "peace of mind" since i starting taking it. i did buy the dollar general stuff, so it just may be a cheap form of it, but hey, if it works, it works. just as i have been feeling this good mood, last night i was in the bathroom peeing, when i heard this loud crash outside the window. i knew in an instant it was a car crash, but when i looked outside, a car had hit head-on into the nissan sentra. and they were backing up and trying to drive away! i hollered at dad as i dashed outside. our neighbor (tony, the guy buying my house) also came running out and got in front of the car so it could not drive away. i shouted out 'don't you drive away!'. then i told them 'get out of the car!'. i repeated this a few times. mom called the police, and i asked if they were alright. it was a hispanic woman and her daughter (about 17 yrs old). the daughter said her mother did not have her glasses on. i inquired 'why was she not wearing her glasses?!' you know, when it comes to cars, as dad said, we can't win for trying! first the buick sits for 10 months, then mom has an accident in the kia, and now this. they should get $500-$800 for the car and sister can put that with her money and purchase another car. it is just getting through to that point. kinda funny, 7 years ago i had my house broken into and it took the police 1.5 hours to get there. last night we had 3 (3!!!)police officers in less than 10 minutes. the police filled out a report. took my statement since i had been the 1st to see anything and after about a 1/2 hour, let us go inside, as it was starting to rain. fortunately the other party had insurance. yesterday i had my glass wall installed at work. the fumes from the black caulk were too much (the installer tried to fill a 2 inch gap at the top with caulk!!) so i worked from the cashiers booth. i hope they get the a/c duct installed today. i finally got to talk to someone from the Lord's ranch yesterday. i sent a stern letter to tina about how i was disappointed that i had not heard from her in over 2 months. she sent one back saying how hurt she was. that jess had only been there 2 months, etc. hey, all i ask for is a weekly email telling me about any new information, or telling me there is no new information. i don't think that is too much to ask. she said she was being yelled at by tom, the ranch, tammi, and me. then she asked what was up with tam. she said she was getting strange letters from tam about how she no longer wanted to be tam's friend. and then she asked what was up about this "lesbian" stuff? i just told her, i was not dumping on her, just that i had not heard from her in 2 months. and as far as tam goes, i told her i don't know, i don't hear from tam. i did not go into the last email i got from tam, she needs to work out her issues with tam. Lord knows i have tried to work it out with tam, but now it is sounding like tam has some "issues" and maybe i am better off without her. i am moving forward with my life. i have my work, which i am enjoying so much, and i have a deposit on an apartment. i have even taken a printout of the apartment and drew in furniture to scale so i could see how things would fit. and for the first time in my life, i am making friends, because i don't try to "be right all the time". and feeling this way feels good, having friends feels good. i no longer try to push my viewpoint on everyone around me. maybe i needed all this to happen for me to feel as i do, although i was starting to feel this way when tam ended our marriage. she just didn't wait long enough. i was already headed this way and she just did not have patience. but oh well, maybe this is what was meant to happen. things are looking up for me. again, i would never wish cancer or any other disease or sickness on anyone, but if tam indeed does have cancer, i always knew that somewhere, someplace, something would come into her life that she would not be able to run from, that she would have to learn to turn around, stand strong, and fight. i hope she learns how to do this. i no longer have any negative (anger and hurt) feelings about tammi. i have come out of this so much stronger and happier. i miss what i had with her, and while it will never be the same with someone else, i will meet someone, someday, and it will be fun. because of being with tam, i know even more what i want out of a relationship. i want to laugh and play as i did with tam. i will always have a place in my heart for tam and i will love her, but there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough and move on. now, that does not mean i am ready to go out and have a relationship, i am not ready for that. i am entering a stage where all i want to do is take care of myself and continue to get my future in order. and of course, if she ever has something to talk to me about, i am here. i just no longer dream about a life with her. i dream of things yet to come.


"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" called last night to talk to jess and they told me she was not getting calls. i asked why? and the lady told me she would have a counselor call me this morning, as she was just an operator. I stressed that I needed the call 1st thing in the morning. she had said the cousnelors arrive at 8:30. I told her I leave for work at 9:30. so i am hoping to get a call and get up to speed with jessica's situation. arrived at work yesterday and did not have a glass wall built. later, rowdy, the man who is head of all the service and parts dept's for don davis called when he learned it had not been built and asked the guy doing the work when it would be. the guy said possibly today, so i may be in for a hectic day. faxed copies of my child support payment history to the sate a.g.'s office yesterday. this has not been going on for a year and i hope this will get things a little better resolved. i have resigned myself to the fact that dawn is not going to give me credit for money i paid her and i will have to pay that $1600 again. my mistake and i will live with it. but at least i should get credit for the over $3000 i paid last year that the a.g.'s office had not credited me for. i also asked in the letter to get the additional monthly payment lowered from $400 to $200, but i don't think that will happen. it is a shame that i would have to take the state to court just to get this lowered, but i would probably have to pay the lawyer just to do that and it is not worth that effort. as long as i get credit for what i have paid. my new athletic shoes i have been wearing for work have been worth every penny. now that they are broken in, they are so very comfortable. i probably will never wear anything else as long as i have the choice. the new computer mom and dad were given and that i have been using in the den to edit my photos on has a problem. somehow i have made it where it does not recognize either on of the cd drives. it has a cd-rom and a cd-rw. i was installing my software for my pen drive. we are going to just install windows xp and solve the problem. i can't wait as it has been a very good computer for editing photos.


Former UConn Star Trades Dreams

"But I wasted time being bitter. I have a great life. I'm a very happy coach. In everybody's life, something goes wrong. The real definition of their character is how they've dealt with it. Either you get better or you get bitter. 'Life is about change. You're not going to make it if you keep beating yourself up over stuff.'" - Shea Ralph/former UCONN female basketball star
I really liked this quote as it reflects my new philosophy, "It isn't what happens to you, but rather how you react to what happens"
"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" I thought of a reason for possibly Tam's stage of life right now. While I would never, ever wish an illness on anyone, especially someone as sweet and good-hearted as Tammi, I also knew that sometime, somewhere in her life something would happen that she could not run from. And her cancer is something that she must face, she cannot run from it, she has to confront it and take it on, overcome it. I hope she comes out healthy, happy, and with a newfound ability to not be afraid, that she will know she has the strength inside her to face issues in life and deal with them. Sunday Dad asked me if I believed in God. I told him yes I do. He stated it was meant to be about the Buick, it was destiny for me to have it. He said this because if it had not been stolen in Feb 03, he would have discovered how difficult it was for him to get in and out of it and he proabably would have sold it. But it did get stolen, it quit running, and it took until I returned before it was finally fixed. And now I am buying it. Just another example of how God helps those that help themselves. Speaking of helping, I once again put my money where my mouth is. Sunday I was about to leave for the store to purchase license tags for the Buick when I asked Mother, "is this the insurance card I need?", to which she said yes, but it has expired. That is when she realized she had let the insurance lapse. She had understood that the insurance rep had told her not to pay it, he would get her some new insurance. It was a misunderstanding. Long story short, they did not have the $284 needed to get the new insurance going so I paid half and I told sister she needed to pay half. She did not argue that point, but when I was about to leave to go to the bank to transfer my part, I told her I needed a check (she has the money in her account) from her, she said "later", but I told her no, I needed it now, we needed to get it into the bank. I am not trying to be a "hero" or make it like I am "perfect", no, I am just trying to say what I believe. They let me live her, they feed me (I buy my own breakfast and lunch), allow me to use their electricity and water. It is only right to step up and take care of them when I can. Did I wake up yesterday wanting to shell out an extra $142? No of course not. I put a deposit down on an apartment yesterday. It is about 15 minutes from here in Arlington. The girl honored my internet quoted price of $409/month for a 1 bedroom. I know the saying goes, don't commit to the first deal you get, but sometimes you just have to act when a good deal comes along. not only do I get the good price, but it comes with a washer/dryer and it is bigger than most of the apartments in that price range. I committed to a July 1st move-in date, but I can move in earlier if I want to. I don't think my finances will allow that, but I am now committing all my resources to paying off the bills neccessary for me to live on my own. It has a fireplace (which I don't think I will be needing) a large walk-in closet, a large patio with storage (where I can keep my bikes) and both the bedroom and living room have doors that open to the patio. I was drawn to this one because it also has access to the bathroom from the bedroom and the kitchen, which will be good if Jess is here with me as each of us would be able to go to the bathroom without disturbing the other. The bedroom is plenty large enough for all of my furniture (if I ever am able to get up there to retrieve it!) so I am going to build a "divider" out of hollow-core doors and put a bed for me in the living room. The living room/dining room area is plenty big enough to do this, and on the other side of the divider I will put the tv/vcr etc stuff, and have a sofa facing it. Because of the design of the apartment, there is even an area to put a 4 - 6 foot table for the computer. It is perfect for my needs and that is why I jumped on it. The DFW area is hurting in apartment rentals so they may not even check credit and that is also why they have a $10 deposit. I just hope that my credit is not so bad that they turn me down. I need this apartment.