Will we never learn?

The report also found many examples of low-quality workmanship, substandard manufacturing procedures and a neglect for safety measures that had no place in the manned spaceflight business.
Sound familiar? This was from the Apollo 1 ship that burned up but sounds just like what happened to the Columbia shuttle.

ABCNEWS.com : Astronauts Finish Task in Risky Space Walk

ABCNEWS.com : Astronauts Finish Task in Risky Space Walk: "Another first on this spacewalk: Prime responsibility for the job was divided between the two Mission Controls, in Moscow and Houston, depending on what side of the station the astronauts were on at any given moment."
What a confusing world we live in. Why can't we just have a space station that is controlled from one place. U.S. side, Russian side, how about "Human" side.

And I am the one with issues???

Lindsay Lohan's father
Some people just don't know when they have it good. I fight for a chance to have a mature conversation with my son's mother and there are jerks like this guy in the world. It ain't right.

If yesterday is any indication...

To my week, then all will go well at tomorrow's hearing! What a good day it was. First, I was able to get alot of work done, second I was called to a last minute meeting at corporate where I was able to impress all the managers and the head controller! (pats on the back from all around!) Third, since I now leave at six I got home in time to speak with Jess for a few minutes, so that really made my day. And fourth, last night we had our little dinner party for T from work in honor of her staying with it and finishing high school. I really had a good time at this little get together as everyone accepted me. I know it was just a little thing but all through my life I would put up walls between people and myself because I felt like no one wanted to be my friend. I never gave them the chance to be my friend and therefore they wouldn't. This was a new experience for me. (I have been to things like this, but usually it was for a holiday or some such). This was a good thing and it is part of my growing and maturing as a person. To boot, I may get to shoot a wedding. C, who just started at work is getting married in August and it seems her photographer has backed out. I am going to show her my work I have done since I have been here using my digicam. I am confident when she sees my shots of my family and my macro work, she will feel comfortable enough to let me shoot her wedding. I also told her how with digital I can change them from color to black and white and spruce them up. I also will make her a video cd slideshow set to music. This could be a big thing for me as if I get to do it and I do it well, I will have something to show others. Her fiance asked how much I would charge and I told him I would do it for free. I need the experience and material for a portfolio. If I do it well enough, maybe word of mouth from them will get me some paying work. I think there is a niche area for people who cannot afford to spend alot of money. Instead of $1200-$1500 or more, I could charge a couple of hundred, burn to a disc after editing, and they can print what they want at what pace they want to print it. It is something for me to think about.
Tomorrow is the big day. I have come so far since I returned to Texas and I am so close to having a life again. I just hope this court hearing goes in my favor. I really don't want any setbacks in my financial situation. I can't understand my luck at the women I become involved with. For whatever reason it just has not worked out. Partly I am to blame, of course, but I have always had the belief that you work it out, that , as Dr. Phil's wife said, divorce is not an option. These were not abusive relationships, I have never been, nor will I ever be that kind of person. I just seem to meet women that are scarred from previous relationships so they don't have the strength or desire to work things out whenever an obstacle arises. No issue ever goes away on its own, it must be dealt with.


NOAA Ocean Explorer: Sound in the Sea

NOAA Ocean Explorer: Sound in the Sea
I have just been spending time listening to sounds from under the ocean. While I understand it is not for everyone and very boring for others I think it is just another example of the awesome power of a broadband connection and a computer. I have always enjoyed exploring new places and with this I can explore so many places that I will never go to in person. And the experience so much richer than just reading a book and looking at pictures. you get to see and hear what the same things that the original explorer did!

Today's menu.... I spent all week wondering what delicacy I would treat the family to this week. This morning Mother came out and showed me two salmon fillets she had gotten from the butchers shop. The store had whole salmon on sale but instead of the 20 cases they were supposed to receive, they only got 3. So in exchange for a product they did not have, she got this for $2.99/lb! What a deal! Hope this wets your appetite! p.s. the one in the center with the chunk missing was my test piece to check for doneness. enjoy. Posted by Hello


dreams and things...

I had another dream last night about tam, the kind you wake up from and swear it was real. I won't go into all the details (stop thinking like that! there was no sex in it!), I will only say once again I was reminded of the depth of my feelings for her.
Work was very productive today. I corrected ALOT of suspended claims and transmitted them. Hopefully most will pay and I will look like the warranty wonder boy. We shall see. Other than that not much happened.
I am so tired. I had stopped taking tylenol pm's, I have never liked taking any kind of medicine, but I will return to them next week as I have only been sleeping 5-6 hrs each night. I don't think I will make it to Saturday Night Live tonight.
rained today. mowing needs doing. car needs worked on. only one day off this weekend. I guess I will not get things done as I am going relax tomorrow. I have to work up my presentation for the court hearing on Thursday so other than grocery shopping and maybe a run to Fry's I will hang out here in my chair in front of the puter. Give me an early morning and some coffee and I will have it done.



I seem to have offended the writers of a couple of blogs I have been following because I disagreed with their views on some issues. So I apologize for offending them. What I thought were "opposing" points of view that might lead to discussion became me insulting them. It was not intended nor will it happen again. I do hope they will accept my apologies and we can all move forward in our lives. The threat of "criticizing" me on my entries in my blog seems to be an idea of "tit for tat" so I will just bow out of any war of words and will keep my thoughts posted here and not comment about anyone outside of my world. This is a place for me to post what is going on in my world that affects me and I have let it gravitate into a forum for others issues. I have learned my lesson and will refrain from commenting on others.

Much to write about today...

For starters, I think M is about to be let go at work. She is really taking it hard that S was promoted to take my position. S has worked for the company for 4 1/2 yrs without a raise, M has been there less than a year. M has never done my position before (not to say she can't, she just hasn't) whereas S has done this before, albeit for Toyota instead of Nissan. M is being ugly to everyone in this, even after having been spoken to by management. She is hanging on by a thread and if she does not change her ways she will be looking for a new position. I have to say I admire T, she has come along ways herself. We have been working with her training as the 3rd cashier and I think she will work out fine. There was a time when I was not so sure about this, but it goes to show if you work with someone, give them an opportunity sometimes they rise to the occasion. Me and S are going to take her to dinner next Tuesday to celebrate her graduating from high school. She has been living on her own and continuing her education and that is something she should be very proud of. It would have been so easy for her to just give up and find a full time job but in 10 years she would regret it so much. Now she is planning on going to college! I am being selfish when I say I hope she rubs off on my daughter somewhat.
I have come to the conlusion I probably will not get to see my son after all. The reason for this is because I will not be bullied into doing things that I just cannot do. What I am referring to is my having to pay for a counselor to see him. In the document delivered to me last week, it is stating we attend counseling "at my sole expense". I just cannot afford this. I attempted to communicate with D in a resonable manner and I recieved no response. At our age we should be able to communicate in a reasonable and responsible manner, yet she only communicates with me when she has an issue with the child support payments, I get no response when I have an issue to discuss. This is what I will show to the judge when I step before him. I have copies of most or all of her letters and emails from the past 2 years. My sole point is that she only communicates with me when she needs something, yet I do not get the same courtesy when I want to discuss with her. I will tell him I cannot afford a counselor and if that is what is required then I made the correct decision 6 years ago as it means D still has not matured enough to be reasoned with. It is the price I pay for trying to have a little happiness in life. Things are much easier to deal with when you accept the truth about them. The truth in this is she will never co-operate with me when it comes to me being in R's life, and I am not meant to have a companion. I will find my joy and happiness in other places and people in my life.
I recieved my cd recommended by kev @ tj's place, tony c. and the truth, and while the single "Little Bit More" does rock and I can picture a dancer doing her thing to that song, the rest of the cd is not bad but not near as good. If "Little Bit More" is a 10, then the rest of the songs range from a 3 to a 7. Still, for someone as myself that cannot stand to purchase cd's just to get one song, it was worth the money I paid to get it from amazon.com. I have already ripped it into wma, mp3, and wav files. At first I thought WTF, as I could not see any audio files in windows explorer. It is some kind of "enhanced" cd, with some pics and video. But I figured it out.
Talked with the ranch yesterday and Jess has a hearing on July 8th. I will not be able to make that as I had not planned to come see her until August, but my folks are going to see her next weekend. I am sending a permission slip today for both them and for her mother to take her off of the ranch for visitation. The way the case worker talked she might be sent home after the hearing but in all likelihood she will stay for another couple of months and then she will get to come home. I am shooting for a Sept. 1 move in date as I nearly have all of my bills paid off. With the raise things can proceed much faster now.
Speaking of work, it has been a hectic 2 weeks. First, cashiering half a day put me way behind in my work, then this week I am attempting to train someone for my position, learn some things about my new position and all the while keep up with my current position. WHEW! It is enough to drive someone off the deep end. And all the while I have this upcoming court hearing on my mind. I have too many irons in the fire and as I look back I see how they got there. I have to reduce this over the next few years. Added on top of that is my well documented heartache from Tam's decision over 8 months ago. It has been exactly 8 months today since I last gazed upon her with my eyes as she left me at the bus station. Since I last held her in a "goodbye" embrace. God will never give me more than I can handle, but I cannot handle it alone. That is why I pray to Him for strength and guidence. And I do feel my prayers are being answered. He may not always give us what we want, but we will always get what we need if we just BELIEVE. I believe that. I came here, found a job, getting things organized. The hard work, the putting up with my dysfunctional family, them putting up with me, it is all working out. I truly miss Rapid City, but I now believe this here is where I belong for the time being. While I want to enjoy each and every day, I work towards the future, mine and my childrens as best as I can. Time moves very quickly and waits for no one.


I have an update to my work situation. I signed my new pay plan today and while it is not what I was seeking, it is a good enough start. If I prove myself then more will come, I have been assured. So that is good news. I will not be getting my own office next door at L/M. We all talked and decided it would be best for me to share my current office with the woman that is replacing me for at least a few months so that I can get her trained to a proficient level.
I purchased a cell phone today. Got one from T-Mobile. I was reading an article on Yahoo about the pay-as-you-go plans. After researching the 4 main ones I settled on T-Mobile as the most flexible and lowest cost on getting started. $69 with a $20 mail in rebate and if I purchase new minutes withing 90 days my minutes will roll over. So, $25 card 4 times a year equals $100 which is less than $10 per month. Since I have no one to talk with I feel that 100 minutes a pop will be more than enough.

I agree with this, whether you are a multi-millionare athlete or a lowly shmuck like me..

`It is fair for any employee in any line of work to receive a pay raise when they are exceeding their expected roles within their company, or receive a promotion and increased responsibilities,'' McCardell added."
That is what has me a little upset with my director. I will be eternally grateful for him hiring me when I returned to Texas and was desperate for a job. But since that time he has admitted holding me back when I worked for him before because I was so good at my job, he felt he couldn't easily replace me and that is what has happened again. I am fortunate that this time I have others looking out for me and while there will be some lumps taken by them as my replacement learns her position, they are not holding me back.


Today's events...

Not much to report for today. Of course the highlight was my grilled shrimp, but I guess if that is the highlight of someone's day, they lead a pretty boring life! I know I do. I ordered Tony C. and the Truth's cd yesterday (thanks for the headsup Kev). I can't wait for that to arrive but until then I am just working on my statement for my court date with my ex. I don't mean criticize her in anyway, I just want to show her as being uncooperative in this matter. I sent her a letter in January, another in May, an email in June and no response to any of them. I made reasonable attempts to contact her. If I can show this to the judge, I am hoping he will not make me pay for her lawyer. She made the statement that I came "out of the blue" with this, which is just not true. We shall see.
I sure do like blues music. I don't know why I have suddenly taken a liking to it, but man, these guys can play! (I am watching Two and a Half men, the episode with Jenna Elfman, she is so incredibly hot!!!) I can't wait till I am in my place. Relaxing on the sofa, posting pics and jamming to some good music. I had lost my appreciation for such simple things in life. I am glad I am rediscovering them.

Here a some shots of a group of birds throwing a pool party! They sure are having a good time. Notice the one on the left spewing his drink everywhere? He always has a little too much to drink! Posted by Hello

Here is the results of my first attempt at grilling shrimp. The two on the bottom were wrapped in bacon. It all turned out really well, I think. Let me know what you think (can you smell it?) Posted by Hello


DrPhil.com - Advice

DrPhil.com - Advice: "Robin's Words of Wisdom for Newlyweds Robin reveals what helped her and Dr. Phil survive their first year of marriage. 1. Ask only what you're willing to give. If I ask that he give me and treat me with dignity and respect, then I have to treat him with dignity and respect. 2. Embrace who your spouse is. Support what is important to him/her. When we first married, I said, 'If we're going to do this, and we're going to have fun, you need to lighten up. You are so serious.' And I was a big pouter, and the first few times I tried that he said, 'If you won't pout, I promise I will discuss anything you want to discuss and we will come to a decision immediately.' 3. Talk about your needs. It would really hurt my feelings if he would walk in the door and not come find me and say, 'Hello, I'm home.' And so we started what we call the four-minute rule, and the minute he walks in the door, he comes to wherever I am, and says hello, and we visit for at least the first four minutes. That sets the tone for the rest of the evening. 4. Contribute to your marriage daily. When we were students in college, I would sit at the end of the apartments on the stairs and I always had a glass of iced tea waiting for him. And to this day, as soon as he walks in the door, the first thing I do is hand him a glass of iced tea. 5. Commit to your marriage. What's important to a marriage is that the commitment you make to each other is something you work on every day for the rest of your life. When a couple gets married sometimes they think, 'Is this the one thing that's going to make him leave?' Phillip and I both agreed our first year of marriage that nothing will ever make us leave. This is forever. Divorce is never going to be an option. And that made a huge difference in our marriage."
This last part is what I believed. Why say those vows if you cannot back them up? I will never understand the ending of this marriage. No arguments, no fights over money. We supported each other through so much. But then I find out she felt unsupported in a situation that I feel was selfish of her because I was the one that was supposed to be supported in it. I supported her when her girl skipped school and cost us money. I took it in stride and we moved forward. I supported her when she moved back to her Daddy. But the one time I needed it the most, she cowered and slinked away. Angry? No, not angry. I am disappointed in her. She knew what I had been through before just as I knew what she had. Seperation and divorce should have never been an option as that is just taking the easy way out. I have a right to be upset, but I also will always be there, open for communication.

DrPhil.com - The Show

Dr. Phil explains that there is a difference between fighting over a topic or an issue.
I have come to figure this out. The topic was Laura not appreciating what we were doing for her. But in reality the "issue" was I had needs that I felt were not being met by Tam. My issues did not seem important to her because she would not discuss them or what she was doing about them with me. I was left in the dark. I expressed my views, but when I saw nothing being done all I could assume was she was not taking them seriously or doing anything about them. Later, when she told me she had been trying to do something, I was even deeper hurt because she had allowed me to stew in my own anger juices instead of putting my mind at ease by telling me. She said she felt I was not supporting her in various things but if she looks back, maybe I could have expressed things in a different way, but at least I expressed them. Her, silence, which led to disgruntleness on my part which made her keep silent and so on. She did not communicate her feelings, thoughts, and actions about my feelings on certain subjects and therefore I did not know she was doing anything to address them. I hope she has learned this lesson for it was a very costly one.

DrPhil.com - The Show

Ande knew this was a big part of Bob's life, but she thought once they got married, that would change for him.
Why do women think they can change the man? They see the person they believe he can be, instead of the person he is. Age old thing.

DrPhil.com - The Show

"Stop complaining and start negotiating. You have to do that in a marriage," he says.-from Dr. Phil.com



Much time has passed, yet I feel the need to cry out for a bit. I returned to Texas, found a job, and am being promoted as of July 1. I have paid off a few bills and am very close to the remainder of my debt being paid off. Soon I will be moving into a place of my own once again. My daughter will be coming home within a few months. I have initiated contact with my ex so I might see my son. I have prayed to the Lord for many things, most of them being strength and guidence. I have attempted to move past her, with mini-trips and trying to meet a new woman, only to find I have no interest in the trips, they are lonely and remind me of her. I am not interested in another woman, everything leads me back to my feelings for her. My life is both moving foward and stuck in place. I am so grateful for so much I have been given, and yet I am unfulfilled. I have made some new friends, but miss my old ones. I came back to Texas because I felt I would not be able to make enough money quick enough to remain there, and yet I miss it so much. I have done and continue to do what she told me could not be done, and I am practicing what I have preached (in front of the Lord, at least) by being strong, as I hope she someday will have become. How could I ask for her to gain strength to deal with life if I was not willing to do the same? So I am standing up to the one person I had feared the most, and will be a part of my son's life. If I can do it, why cannot she? My anniversary came and went, and as I had expected, not a peep, yet I had hoped just as I continue to hope for that which I lack faith in. I HOPE for a renewal,yet I lack FAITH that it will happen. I am pleased at my progress in putting my life back together, yet I am sad because the one person that I wanted to spend my life with, the one person that in hindsight I really enjoyed being with day in and day out, through sickness and in health, till death was supposed to part us, is somewhere out there, and I am not a part of her life anymore. I don't know if she even knew what this past Wednesday was, and if she did think of it, what went through her mind? A passing thought, here and then gone? Or a day filled with sadness as mine was? I cling to a tiny flicker of hope because I have not recieved divorce papers yet, nor a little key to a storage shed far from me. Yet all I have is silence. May she find the happiness I could not provide to her, but I will forever feel we were perfect for each other. I have no interest in ever again giving my heart to someone for a couple of reasons, mostly because of my feelings for her, and the pain of it ending is too much to ever endure again. What I would do to see her again, to hear her voice say "I love you, Pauliemac" once more. I have saved all of the little messages she would leave on my computer, for they remind me that I was once loved as a person should be. Unconditionally, from the heart. I miss her. I still, after 8 months, ache for her and I know I will for a very long time.

Sgt. Hunter... closer than I thought...

I had posted about Sgt. Hunter, the officer that was killed in the line of duty yesterday. I had also posted how he looked familiar, that I thought he had helped find my daughter one time when she was missing. Well, I remembered today, he has been in my house. He was one of the officer's that had helped find her, he had spent time talking to her, trying to keep her on the straight and narrow. While she did continue to rebel until we finally had her placed somewhere that she could have the time to learn what she needed to know, I remember him as a kind man. I pray for his family in their time of loss.


It's about time!

"Kerry: Raise minimum wage Says increasing wage from current $5.15 to $7 by 2007 would particularly help working women."
Working women? how about working men too? This is a much overdo and needed thing.

Why does he think he has the right to consider Mr. Johnson a friend?

The New York Times > International > Middle East > Acting on Threat, Saudi Group Kills Captive American: "'The murder of Paul shows the evil nature of the enemy we face,'"
By calling this man by his first name, Bush is insulting the man. First names are reserved for friends, relatives, and aquaintenences (?). How dare he insult this man and what happened to him in this manner!

Sadness today....

On my way to work, I was waiting for the light to change to green. Suddenly, a motorcycle officer weaved through the cars and halted the cross traffic, waved those in the left turn lane going my way to proceed and then 4-5 police cruisers sped through the intersection. We all looked in the southerly direction they had gone but was not able to discern anything. The light turned green and we moved on. One hour later as I was getting some papers from the cashiers cage, someone turned up the television for a special report. There was a police shootout in progress at the Wal-mart that happens to be 3 miles south of where the police passed by me. On the same road they had turned onto. A van that had been parked in the lot with the motor running all night had been approached by an officer, who had backup nearby. As he moved to the side of the van, someone inside opened fire on the officer who was still in front of the van. Both officers were hit, but the one on the side was able to return fire. He is in critical condition at this time, but will pull through. The other officer was not so fortunate. He died. A 20 year veteran and the first African-American hired by the local police force. We lost a good man today. After a 7 hour standoff, the swat team fired tear gas inside the van but all they found was a dead suspect. Later I read about a man and woman that had parked their motorhome in the parking lot (Walmart allows that) and they heard noises during the night. The husband left around 7am to play golf and the wife said someone again was messing with the door handle. When she hollered at them, the left. They had seen the van when they had arrived the night before, but it was gone later that morning, yet it had returned. The medical examiner has not released the cause of death of the suspect, either he was hit by police gunfire or succumbed to the heat. Either way, we will most likely never know why this officer and family man died. God chooses when to take his children to heaven at his whim and it is not for us to understand, just to have faith that it is for a good reason. I will pray for the officers and their families.


Today's events....

Today started off like any other day. But that all changed shortly after I arrived at work. I was served with papers to appear in court 2 weeks from tomorrow. They were sent by my son's mother. I have been attempting to contact her to start my visitation once again (I have not seen him in 6 years). At first, when I came around the corner and saw a man was about to serve me, I thought it would be from Tam for a divorce. But to my surprise and delight, it was about seeing Ryan. She wants to have it set up with a counselor and stair stepped to work up to full visitation, which is what I have been trying to do all along. Most people are mature enough to just communicate and work out the details amongst themselves. But this is how she is and I understand that now. It has taken me a long time to figure that one out. I made my choice 6 years ago because she is so difficult to deal with and at the time I did not want to put him through a life of us being at odds with each other. But now, because of many factors in my life, I am more mature and understanding. I know how she is, and knowing how a person acts and reacts is the key to being able to deal with them. I have to keep my cool and stay calm with her or she will use it against me. Therefore, and I am in no way trying to make her look bad, but if I do everything in an appropiate manner, she will be the one that comes out as the antagonist. All I want is to see my son, to work with her so that I can attend his functions. I want to impart what knowledge I can to him, to help him in some way become a good person, even if it means dealing with her, which it does. If I become confrontational, she will only use it to drive a wedge between us before we even get started. I have learned (and posted here several times) that once you accept something as fact, it is much easier to deal with it. I have accepted that she will always be in control of this and I will have to do things mostly her way. But if that is what it takes to see my son, then so be it. She has to accept the fact that I am going to see him, that I am going to be a part of his life. The sooner she accepts that as fact, the sooner her and I can hopefully communicate together. I do not want to turn him against her and I will not bad mouth her. I just want to be his father and be in his life. What a strange day, it is the anniversary of my marriage to Tam, a marriage that fell apart because of human weakness, and her I am becoming so strong that I can face anything, that I know anything can be overcome with a cool head and lots of faith.


Another subject...

I was watching a young man this evening at the Parts counter. He was wearing some kind of jacket that represented something he enjoyed. I don't if it was motorcycle jacket or some group he like or what but it occurred to me why, for so many years I resented people that displayed such things. I never had the opportunity as a young person to do that myself. I couldn't be that "rock star" in my mind, growing long hair and wearing a leather jacket. Or maybe it was the football player, wearing a replica of his jersey. Whatever it was, I had to "worship" it (as all young people do!) from within because I couldn't show my colors. So I grew up resenting those that did (because they could) show theirs. I was jealous of what they got to do and I didn't. I never could get that job where I could grow my hair long. I had to be clean cut to face the public. So I never was able to create an identity. I did try in the early nineties by getting into hiking and combining it with my first love, photography. I dressed the part, hiking shoes, the shorts, big mountaineering backpack. But It wasn't enough. I had missed out on being a "cool" guy. I did buy me a leather jacket (love it and can't wait to get it back here!) but to this day I am the geek. I don't have the hot bod, or great looks. I don't have the cool job or car/truck. But finally, after so much anguish and anger, I am HAPPY with who I am. I am ok with my geekiness. I was able to look at this young man, who I had never seen before, and not be jealous of who he was and who I would never be. My daughter loves me because I am her dad and for no other reason. It has taken me a long time to figure out that is the most wonderful thing I can be. A DAD. Those are the colors I wear now.

This is one of my latest attempts. Let me know what you think of it. Posted by Hello

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly....

Good news: the assistant manager, who also doubles as the warranty administrator came to my office today and discussed with me about taking over her warranty admin duties. Along with the added work would be some quite welcome added pay, so I was very much in favor of this. Since I am covering for a cashier that is on vacation this week, we will start on refreshing my memory next week. It has been 2 years since I did any warranty submissions but I feel it will come back to me fairly quickly. Also, another good thing is we got the a/c fixed today. Hooray!
Ok, now for the bad: I finally worked up the nerve to call my son's mother last night about getting the visitation going but all I got was an answering machine. Called her work number (these phone numbers are 1 1/2 yrs old, didn't know if they would work or not) today, but the guy that answered said she was on vacation (she always takes vacation in June with her parents) so I will try again next Monday.
The ugly: Tomorrow is my anniversary with Tammi and I have not seen her in almost 8 months. Needless to say, because of how I feel about her and that what I want is not what she wants, what should have been a joyous day will be a sad one. :( I do hope she is happy in her life. I am getting happy. Things are looking up. God as answered many of my prayers and the ones not answered I feel have been and I can't see it yet, or they will be in the future. I have to maintain my faith and keep striving to improve myself. It has not been an easy road, but then anything worthwhile has sacrifices that go along with it. If I indeed get the warranty admin position I will be set for life in the manner that I can go anywheres and get a job, not just in the auto industry but in many other places where warranty claims must be coded and submitted. I will know that I can start to prepare for that final part of my life that, for me, will begin at age 55 (if I am fortunate to live beyond that, there are no guarantees in life)

The Truth...

"If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Happy moments, praise God. Difficult moments, seek God. Quiet moments, worship God. Painful moments, trust God. Every moment, thank God.
This was sent to me by a friend and I find it very inspirational.


I am a really good grilling cook! Yesterday I prepared whole grilled fish with lemon pepper seasoning, and boy did it come out really good! Mom and Dad told me the almost didn't buy me that bood as they thought it would hurt my feelings. I am glad they did. They are really in for alot of treats. Next week it is shrimp on the menu. Going to try it 2 different ways, kabob style and wrapped in bacon. I just know it will turn out good.
I called Dawn last night. Got her answering machine but it was weird. A man answered saying we are not home, blah blah blah, but before that message ended, her voice came on saying "we are not at home, leave a name and number and we will call you back", and the voice was trembling. I fee she has call waiting and new who was calling and she faked it being a machine so she did not have to talk me. It beeped about 20 times and then it did come on so that I could leave a message. I got a small bit in and then it cut off. She can ignore me all she wants but I have the right to see my son. I made a choice 5 years ago, but times change, people change, and I am going to be in his life now. I can't afford to take her to court, but yet I will find a way if that is what it comes to. I hope she is more mature than that. She has a memory span of about 2 days and she even admitted she has memory loss so I will just have to perservere.
Talked with Jess yesterday for family counseling. I told her from the start she is coming to live with me when she gets out (she has a hearing in August! I am so excited). She asked why she couldn't with her mother. I said she has to live with someone and I had decided it would be with me. She said ok, I have to live somehweres. We had a really good meeting with the counselor. She really is doing well and I have high hopes for her when she gets home. This time we concentrated on how we would share chores, about communication. We talked about how she gets off subject and off task very easily and that I will have work hard to keep her on subject and task. Discussed how she will have to pick and choose social time because she will have church (she wants to go 2 nights a week) and homework/study time to take care of, not to mention some easy chores (vacuuming, dusting) that must be done. I told her we will figure out the details but it will be something like 6-8pm for school work and on church nights it will be adjusted accordingly. She also wants a small part time job so that must be accounted for also. That was part of the conversation on keeping on task, because at a job, she will have to maintain that. We talked about recognizing things in oneself and that if you know you are a certain way, then you know the steps that must be taken to manage that. Knowing she has a short attention span (she has been diagnosed with slight ADS) she must focus much harder than others. I used to be that way also, still am really. But because my job requires doing 4 things at once, over the years I have learned how to maintain focus. But I still have issues with it. I will do something at my desk and as soon as I am finished I have to get up and walk around. I just cannot sit still for very long. I have always been this way. It is why I enjoy watching movies at home. Because I "need" to do more than one thing at a time I am able to watch a movie and surf, post, edit photos. I know alot of people can do that, but for me it is more than just a want, it is a have to. I just cannot sit still for very long and do one thing. I need my attention to divert often from the main task. It is how I am and looking back, how I have been since I was a kid. She is that way too.


That's right, just put it off for someone else to deal with...

ABCNEWS.com : Official Suggests 'Grouting' Nuclear Waste: "'Where there's a small amount of residual, let's grout it and cap it, and monitor it,' Deputy Energy Secretary Kyle McSlarrow told ABC News. 'And if there is any leakage in the future, we can deal with it.'"
What kind of world are we leaving for our children?

Once again Bush just wants to help his "friends" get rich.....

ABCNEWS.com : Official Suggests 'Grouting' Nuclear Waste: "A federal judge has ruled that under present laws the Energy Department's plan is illegal. So the Bush administration is urging Congress to pass a new law declaring that nuclear sludge at the South Carolina nuclear weapons plant is not really so dangerous."
I have to say I am really not in favor of Bush returning to the White House. It is acts like these that show he really does not care about the future of our children.

What a day!

Glad it is over! Managed to hurt Mothers feelings, the air conditioner has gone out, and man do I love blues music! I am sorry about mother, but once again I know that I just should not try to carry on a conversation with her. When she is ready for it to be over, it is over, whether I am finished or not. Don't know yet what the a/c is going to cost or what is wrong, but I will make some phone calls tomorrow. I have been over at garageband.com downloading and listening to some really good blues music. There is no reason for people to pay for good music when there is so much out there for free, legally free that is. Most "stars" are just a result of marketing hype because I listen to "nobody's" that put out as good or in most cases, better stuff than what you have to pay $10-$17 dollars for. Now, there are times when you come across something so good and new that it is worth buying, such as Tony C. and the Truth. Got that from Kev over at Tj's Place, which I must say is a really cool blog. I cannot wait until I have my own place with all of my things and get my dvd and stereo set back up. I look forward to listening to music alot. I have not listened to hardly any in so long and I really enjoy it, especially not that I have found something I really like and can get alot of it. Not that I am against paying for it, that is not the case at all. But I am against having to pay for 10 songs when 1 is all I want. And it wasn't always this way. I know, I have read how the "artists" regard a whole album as a "body of work". but hey, they need to understand, WE (the fans) make them, not the other way around. If we want only one song, then one song is what we should be able to purchase. They are getting away from why they make music, it is something they have to say, not about making money. If that is their reason, then I suspect they really are not that good then.

I have 2....

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart "
Bethany sent me this, she and Kathy, my online friend from Ohio have been this to me.


Hypocrisy in our modern culture...

I was just watching a rerun of Saturday Night Live featuring Lindsay Lohan, who at the time was still 17 years old. She is very hot. They did a skit about Harry Potter where she plays the young girl that is part of Harry's little group except the theme of this skit is how she has "grown" over the summer. The skit revolves around her large breasts (which they show alot of cleavage). I was asking God why he makes men lust after such hot young women when men can't have them. Then I thought how in a different time men married women much younger than that. That is when it occurred to me that with all the porn around, the times when men could marry 13 year old women were probably much more moralistic times than now when it is considered immoral and illegal to have sex with a teen female. I am not advocating sex with teens, merely stating the irony of it all. These are hypocritical times we live in.

Mom and Dad can be sweet....

Today they bought me a large book entitled "How to Grill". That was really nice of them. They know how much I love to grill and they are the recipiants of that passion as they get to eat great food. And I get to cook it without haveing to buy it all as they are happy to purchase it if I cook it.


Once again I am humbled at the Lord's power to show me the way. Today I finished book six of the Left Behind series. I am half way through the series. The meaning of that is this the month of June, the sixth month, half way through the year. The year that I had proclaimed as my "starting over" year. The year I correct all my decisions that did not work out as I had planned, by using the knowledge and wisdom I have gained in my life up to this point. Coincidence? I don't think so. I beleive everything happens for a reason and is timed to happen when it happens for a purpose and reason. Say what you will, we are given the right of freedom of thought and expression, but this is what I believe.
Today has gone well. I feel much better, both physically and mentally. I am looking forward to the next 2 days as I hope to get quite a bit of work done around the house. With the rain we got this past week, everything is overdue and overgrown. My tasks await me. Hopefully I am getting past this funk I have been in the last few weeks. I am hoping to get some fun shots of the dogs for Jess.
Well, made the switch back to the old wallet. I do like it better, and so what if it reminds me of her? After trying to move past her for so many months I have decided to quit denying what I feel. Maybe time has allowed me to allow myself to feel these feelings, to remember just how good it was because burying good memories is a waste. She told me she felt as though she had wasted the last 2 years of my life when in reality there is no way it could be a waste since it was the happiest 2 years of my life. It would be a waste to bury them. I rejoice in my memories, knowing that for a time I was loved so much. There are those that live a long life and never feel the kind of love I felt from her. Yes, it hurts to know I am not loved anymore that way, but that is all the more reason to remember it, cherish it. I may end up alone for the remainder of my life, but I can always think of my time spent with her and know that for a while, I was the most important person in someones life, that I mattered to them. That is more than some people ever get to experience.
This evening went pretty good. Got home and went straight outside. I had been needing to chip up the limbs I had pruned 3 weeks ago. I had been told at work that it was supposed to rain tomorrow (more rain!) so I really wanted to get this done. Finished in about an hour then mowed the back yard as it was really thick and high and if it did rain it would be a small jungle by the time it dried out again. So my chores for the weekend are done and tomorrow I plan on uploading photos and commenting on my msn photography group. Rest is what I need. It has been a rough couple of weeks. But I am another week closer to reaching my goals. It is what keeps me going forward, focus on what I want to achieve. That is something I never could do. Develop a goal and work to see it through. I have just muddled along, doing just good enough to get by, not sacrificing as much as I should have so that I could have a little more in other areas. I see things so much clearer now, even moreso than when I first returned to Texas last October. It has been a tough road, but the cliche has meaning, "better late than never."
On another note, I found out this evening my Uncle Andy (see photo below) got married today. He was supposed to in August and I was to be his photographer but they just decided to do it now. They will hold a "reception" in August for all to attend so I will still get to shoot some shots for them.

Uncle Andy and his daughter, Tabitha. Posted by Hello


What a day!!

What a way to start out my day! Not long after I started work today I really got into it with an advisor. I was booking a number of ro's when the cashier paged for a car to be pulled up. After the 3rd time, she called me and asked if I could bring it up. I said "Is there anyone up there that can bring it?". She said no and she would handle it. I told her no, whats the tag? and I would get it. She started t give me some lip, I said don't get smart just tell me what the number is. She did, and I got the keys. I detoured to the drive so I could tell the first advisor I saw they needed to listen for the pages and help pull cars as we have no porter today. I saw K and said that, then went on outside to pull the car. Next thing I know he is in the middle of the drive screaming at me. I said, "come on back here and lets talk about this", so as to get him away from customers watching him scream his head off. Once he was back there he threatened me, said "next time you call me back somewhere I'm gonna take you out.", to which I replied, "your not gonna do anything...except walk away." I am not afraid of him or anyone else and I was not going to take his crap. We were seperated and I went to my office and calmed down. Once I had told my story to Donny and then later to Bruce things were ok I guess. K called me on the phone to tell me something about an ro he needed finished and he talked to me in a normal voice like nothing had happened. Go figure.
Speaking of attitudes changing. After I got home, sister came in and started talking to me in nice, decent tone. So returned the favor and we actually had a pleasant evening. I may still have confrontations with people at times, that is part of life and we must accept that, but reacting to the confrontation is important too. I reacted by choosing to keep my mouth shut, even when K was running his mouth to everyone in the shop. By doing that, things calmed down and seemed to be ok. Now, he may be waiting for me by my car to kick my ass when I get off work, but I don't think so. And if he is, he will get more than he bargained for. If a person likes to fight, they fight fair. When a person fights to defend themselves, they fight to win. I abhor fighting, but if I have to defend myself, then I will. I am not afraid of anyone, but I am not stupid either.
Today I changed back to my old wallet. The one I had purchased last month in Arkansas just was not working out. The real reason I changed was in an attempt to further put Tam behind me. See, when I bought that wallet, her and I were at Walmart and I said I liked it. She said, as she always did, "I think you should get it". She let me be me, and I loved her for it. So, it was starting to get a little worn, but not yet time to replace it because of wear and tear. I thought to myself, "Myself, get a new one, move on, put her behind you. Get rid of the things that remind her of you." But that is easier said than done. I paid $15 for the new one, and after starting to think I didn't like it, I thought to myself "Myself, you paid money for it, use it." But I changed back because I really liked the one I had before. So I will live with memory of that time I bought it because it is a good memory and I will use it until it really needs replacing. Then I probably will replace it with one just like it or very similiar.


Tiring day...

Got a nasty email response from sister regarding the one I had sent to her yesterday. I expected as much and I returned the favor. She says she
"is tired of me telling her she is worthless and that I don't want her to be part of the family".
That just is not true. I just told her in my response today that she is lazy and has no appreciation for what others do for her. I do things around their house, not to show anyone up, but to stand by what I preached last summer to my step-daughter. Help those that help you. I don't believe in charging rent to family when you are helping them out, but at the same time, those being helped should show some humbleness and gratitude by doing whatever they can to repay that kindness with kindness. I do things for my parents because I love them and I want to help them. I will do what I can when I can once I have left them. Always have, even there have been times that I felt as though they didn't think that was the case. If I offer you something, I do so because I want to, not because I want something in return. But at the same time, any decent person will have a sense of gratitude and will return the favor as best they can when they can. Right now, I do for them because it is how I repay their kindness for letting me stay there and pay off bills. Sister, on the other hand, has this idea that she belongs there, that it is her home as well. It is not her home, it is where she stays, as it is for me. I listen to them bitch and gripe but no one seems to want to do anything about it. Who wants to hear people yell, cuss, call each other names? I certainly don't. I don't have to listen to it, and I won't. I will walk away, not only so I don't have to hear someone bitching and griping, but so I don't say things that I will regret saying. She does not understand what she does to them. I think they feel guilty in some way for how she is. What did they do wrong? What could they have done different? I know, because I ask myself these same questions about my daughter. Any parent that cares about their child asks these questions when their child has problems and issues. I have them, I am sure they wonder the same about me. I will be ok though, because even though it took 20 years and alot of heartache, I know what I must do. Pay my bills and live within my means. Stay out of debt. These are keys to low stress. It takes alot of energy to raise a child, keeping any other stress to a minimum helps keep focus on the child.
Today I purchased a fajita taco, they come around every day with a cooler on a small cart selling various kinds. I have been meaning to buy from her, she is one hot caliente! She is about 20 or so and comes with her little sister (say little, she is not only smaller, she looks younger, maybe 18!). I may be going through a tough time in life regarding relationships, but I still appreciate a beautiful woman! She will make a wonderful wife to some guy someday. Her father works for Don Davis (not sure which dealer, but not ours) and she took over his route for selling tacos on the side. Kind of expensive ($2 ea.) but I don't buy them every day. It did hit the spot though.


Damn email...

I forgot my pendrive this morning so after a day of blogging at work, saving to notepad so I could copy and paste onto here, I emailed it to myself from work. To 2 different email addresses, and they still have not shown up. I just can't seem to get it right. I forget the floppy disc so I use the pendrive, then I forget to put my pda in my bag, so I email it. I just can't get it together. Oh well, there is always tomorrow.
I have started using horizontal rules in my blog (as if anyone couldn't notice!), I feel it makes a nice way to end one ramble and begin another.
Speaking of rambling, I hung up on Dad this evening. They put their car in the shop yesterday to get the dents from last months hail storm removed. The had asked me to take them to work tomorrow as sister will have the car. I said no, I didn't want to get up that early so I would just rent a car. Today I changed my mind and decided I would get up early and take them. Sister emailed and asked me to call him as he was getting on to her because she had not picked up the rental car from me. I called and stated I had changed my mind, I would just take them. He started off on me as he does so I just hung up. I don't need to be talked to like that and I don't have to listen to it. He may be my father but I can change my mind if I want to. It was my $50 that was going to be spent, so I feel I have the right to change my mind. I was going to tell him this evening about it but that got cancelled. I really can't wait until I get my own place. I need to continue to pay bills, but I need to get my own place also.
Speaking of bills, I set up my payments to them as bill pays through my bank account. Seems silly since I live here that I would have a check mailed to them, but I use my bill pay to track when my bills are going to be paid and those were the only two that I didn't have on the schedule. It will be easier for me this way.
Rained most of the day today. I played porter again and a couple of the cars I pulled up were on the back row, which collects water. So I was wading through 6 inch deep water. Feet soaked, clothes damp, I was ready to get home and get changed.
Finally got Jess's photo album mailed off to her. It is supposed to arrive on Saturday as the USPS is closed on Friday in observance of R.Reagan's funeral. I had wanted more photos in it before I mailed it off but I will just have to send them later. I am hoping the weather clears and the yard dries enough by this weekend that I can take some pics of the dogs to send to her.
I have been following a blog called TJ's Place. It is written by a guy that is a manager of a strip club in the midwest somewheres. He really is a good writer and alot of us follow him daily. I want to write as well as he does and I am learning some things from him. I hope he understands that imitation is the best form of flattery. I want my own style, but I am learning some techniques from him. I had hoped to turn my other blog, themacman, into something like his but I feel this is too close to copying. So I will take some from his style but use a different kind of theme on it. Or I just might keep this one only (well, keep my rant one also, but rant a little more!) as it is enough to keep one going. Unlike some blogs I follow, I don't feel I need a different blog for every different kind of topic (I have come across some people that keep one for personal, one for political ideas, and another for whatever). I understand one for business and one for personal, two or three different personal ones? I don't think that is for me.

Today's events...

Today is our monthly "Right From The Start" event. What we do is invite people to come and see all our new vehicles. We set it up in the shop after work with one of each model we offer. Food is catered in, both for the employees that will attend and the people who come to see the new vehicles. Usually, bar-b-que is catered in for the employees and sandwiches for the customers. I have yet to stay for one of these events as it does not start until 7pm and I am ready to go home. Also, and maybe this is not being a team player, but I just don't get paid enough of or have a position high enough that warrants my presence. The cashiers and porters don't stay for it and even though I make more than them, I am still closer to their level in the company than I am to management. Now if this dispatch position does materialize, that will be a different story. Until then, I am a peon and I will perform as one. (I am a team player I just don't like anyone to know I am).
Mom and Dad are finally getting their car fixed from the hail storm we endured last month. They didn't have the deductible but they were told about a guy that does side work that will do it for the amount of their insurance check. He picked up the car last evening and should be through by tomorrow. I am going to take them to work in the morning since sister will have the other car and she does not get home in time. At first I balked at having to get up at 5:30am and run them to the train station, I was going to rent them a car, but I have decided it is not that big of a deal. I will just go to bed a little early tonight. And the guy may be through with it by today, so we shall see.
The rain has finally stopped. It had been going non-stop since yesterday morning. The forcast calls for intermittant showers all through the week. Today's high is only 81 which is very unusual for June. I will take it though because each cool day is one less hot day I have to endure.
Mom and Dad spoke to Jess last night and they told me that she said her mother wants her to live with her. I have made the decision that this is not an optional thing. Jess will have some sayso but not really much. She is coming home to me when she is released and that is that. Tina had her shot at taking care of her and did no better than I did and possibly worse. Also, I was told she may move to Nebraska and I am sorry I have been away from Jess long enough, I am not going to live that far away.
I do have to say I really like this Hello program that blogger has partnered with to upload photos. I still wish there was a way to put photos side by side with it as I did by linking to my photo host site, but we can't have everything now can we? I take what I can get and make the best of it and that is what I am doing with blogger and Hello. Hey, it's free so I am not going to complain!
Just returned from lunch. Finally got Jess's picture album sent off! I have been telling her for 3 weeks I would get it done! Now I need to continue sending her photos. I hope to take some of the pets soon. Mom did include one photo of Nipper but we need some of Wishbone also. That can be a good project for this weekend. Clouds are forming to the west right now, I think rain is moving back in. Probably start just as it is time for me to leave.
Last weekend Mother bought a large box of minute rice. I think instead of buying dinner out each evening I am going to buy things such as canned chile (they always have plenty of that around) and canned stew or soup and have that with rice. It will be cheap, filling and easy to make.

Only in Texas.....

DallasNews.com | News for Dallas, Texas | Weather: "North Texas storms to continue this week "
Only in Texas can it be 100 one day and 81 with thunderstorms the next!


Memories from the past...

The following photos were taken at various times during my year in Rapid City. For anyone following my journal I thought it time that they get to see her, who she is (was?). This is the woman I love and the place where my greatest happiness took place.

Tam feeding a Canadien Goose.

Here is where I worked. My store is in the middle of the large shopping center building.

This is the park where I went to eat lunch everyday during my last week in Rapid City.

Here is a shot from the top of Tower Hill in Rapid City. Emergiclinic, where Tam worked, is just visible in the lower right of the photo.

Here is a view from the Rapid City bus stop, the last place I saw her.

This is a combination shot I put together while I was in Arkansas. Posted by Hello

Another day....

I purchased some plastic bowls last week, no big deal except they were like the ones we had in RC for our cottage cheese and fruit. It is so funny how the simplest things in life can remind you of another time and place. As I have stated in previous postings I have begun to take cottage cheese and fruit for my daily noontime snack. It is difficult, letting go of that which you don't want to let go of. I know what she has told me, but yet it doesn't seem to matter. I know how I feel about her and how she felt about me. I can see how she came to be as she was and it allows me to give her space and time to find herself. Does that mean my hopes and dreams will come true? Of course not, but it does allow me to have faith that they just might come true. Between taking care of Mom, Dad, and Jessica, re-entering Ryan's life (still have not heard from Dawn, I am going to have to get tougher on this), and taking care of myself, I have plenty to keep me busy and focused.
Yesterday Dad and I finally got the trim piece that had fallen off of the eaves of the house re-installed. I climbed onto the roof while he used the ladder. Even in the evening it was still quite hot up there! I purchased some hearing protection so I can use the chipper/shredder. There is alot of work to be done around their house and I am going to do as much of it for them as I can. I need the exercise.
Found out today that Jessica is still scheduled to be released in October. I just was not told anything about anything regarding her stay there. I found out she was scheduled from the beginning for a 9 month stay. No one told me this. I also found out she is doing really well with her attitude and committment. That is such good news to hear. I have still not gotten her photos sent off, I will do it tomorrow without fail.
I miss riding my bike home from work. It was such a beautiful place. Most of the bike path followed Rapid Creek, for which Rapid City is named after. After the flood of the early seventies the area was turned into parks. It was such a peaceful time for me. I would get off work and ride slow, not just because I was tired and it was slightly uphill all the way, but to enjoy the afternoon air. I remember it vividly, each bump in the path, each corner where I turned. I would ride past the ballfields and see the girl softball teams out there and think of Jessica, hoping someday she could join us. I know she would have loved it there and I know it would have been a much better place to finish raising her than here. But here is where I am so I will do my best. Seems my best is never good enough for others, why I don't know. Maybe I try too hard to do too much. Is that such a bad thing? Who knows.
It is raining today. This has been a weird year for the weather here in N.Texas. To me at least it has seemed to be much milder. Just when it starts to heat up we get a front coming through and we get a day or two of cooler weather. Also, I have figured out how to cope with the heat. Just as with other things, once you accept them as they are it is easier to deal with them, I accept that it is hot, it is going to be hot and there is nothing I can do about it. So, yes, I am going to sweat, feel icky but since that is the way it is, I can now deal with it. May sound weird, but it really isn't. Once you accept something, it can be dealt with. I guess that is why I have such a hard time with letting go. I am not ready to accept certain things. And that is something that really can't be made to happen, you just have to let it run its course.
Noticed a female customer in the lobby today. She looked alot like her, except maybe 10 years younger. I wanted to stop and gaze at her so bad, it was like looking back into the past. But of course I couldn't do that, she probably would complain to my boss! But in a strange way it was nice seeing her again because in my mind that is who I saw.
Talked with Anita about her son (he got into some trouble and is spending a couple of years in prison). She drives 260 miles to get to see him for 2hrs. This is what has me upset with Jess's mother. She had led me to believe that she lived far away from where Jess is staying when in reality it is only 70 miles. If I was that close I would be seeing her every weekend. Oh well, I have given up on giving Tina the opportunity to be her mother. I will do it myself and not worry about asking her opinion. Once again, the more I try to do things right, the more they go wrong.
Gave a guy the evil eye this morning. As I was merging onto the freeway I looked in my left mirror as I am supposed and there was this red Chevy or Gmc SUV. Now, it is my belief that proper highway etiquette means when vehicles are merging, the one in the rear slows up just a bit for the one in farther in front. As I was 3\4 of a vehicle length in front of him, he should have ever slow slightly raised his foot off the throttle and he would have drifted back just enough for me to get on the expressway. But he didn't. Now, I give him credit for not accelerating, that is even worse. And I was accelerating as that is the proper thing to do to merge onto the freeway. But I should not have to floor my vehicle and accelerate to a dangerous speed just because he did not want to slow down a tiny bit. He exited at the following off ramp, so I slowed down and gave him the "Your a butthead" stare. I feel he was too busy stuffing his face with food to show proper driving etiquette.


It has been 8 months today that all joy and happiness in my life was let out of me. I have laughed and smiled since then, but they were as before, just on the surface. I had never really laughed from deep inside until I had met her and I have not since she sent me away. It is difficult realizing that life will never be quite as joyful, the days never as bright as they were when I was with her. Most of my life has been clouded with immaturity and naive thinking, but for a short while it was sunny and I knew where I was going in life. Now the clouds have returned and I pass the days working towards goals I have, but they are goals centered around the "have to's" of life. Children, parents, bills, financial security, etc. And while I will recieve much pleasure from my children and grandchildren, there is still that something that will be missing. Someone to share it all with, not just anyone either, but that someone that you can see yourself growing old with. She was all that and more to me. It wasnever about what we were doing, only that we were doing it together. Being with her made everything I had ever gone through worthwhile. I sincerely hope she is at a good place in her life because if she is not, then what good has it have done to make both of us miserable? I have a path to follow and I know in my heart the Lord has his reasons for this path to be followed, I just don't understand it. Faith is what will get me through, faith in myself that I can continue to grow as a person, faith in God that no matter what happens it is for the best, and faith that I have a love for her that will never be broken.


Good start...

To the week. I had planned to get prices on storage sheds, but instead I rented one. The young woman helping me (What a cutie she was!) was very friendly and helpful. I got a 5x7.5 for $22 a month for the first 6 months and then it will jump to $44 a month. I figure to be out of it before the 6 months is up. I had asked how much trouble to upgrade to a larger one once I get my things back here and she told me no problem but she would make a new contract so that she could give me 1/2 off for the first 6 months again. I said great! I can't get over how hot she was and yet how friendly. I don't usually get attention paid to me but I enjoyed it for what it was. I immediately started moving he dining room chairs into the shed as it looked like rain. It didn't rain but I am glad I got it done quickly. Did my shopping and then rearranged the living room. If the folks have an issue I can put it all back the way it was but I think it will be ok. We had already discussed this. She was just so fun to talk to, I ended up telling her my story as to why I was back in Texas and so on. I probably gave her more information than she wanted but what the hey, she asked! Told her a bit about RC and how I miss it there but life is what it is, what can you do? Maybe I will see her again sometime when I am there.


The Last Time...

The following are photos of our last trip together. We went to Devils Tower in Wyoming for another day of exploring a new place. As always it was a wonderful time together. We had taken the backroads so we could sightsee, in which we discoverd some interesting canyons and small towns. Even though she was still wearing her boot for her pulled calf she did walk quite a bit with me. She then told me to go ahead and walk all the way around, she would sit and wait for me. That was one of the many things I loved about her, she let me do my thing and would just wait patiently for me. It took me about an hour or so including stops to see the surrounding countryside and shoot photos of the tower itself. On the backside is the original ladder created by the anglo discoverers of the tower (the Native Americans had known about the tower for centuries!). The way the tower sits watch over the land is really quite intimidating! After returning to her and taking some more photos we headed down the mountain to eat some grilled chicken. We then found out we had forgotten to bring any matches so she went off to town 9 miles away to get some and I stayed behind to set things up and watch for photo opportunities with the local wildlife. After eating we went back up to the tower as I wanted to get some shots of the tower as the sun was setting. As night was falling I was putting away my camera equipment when we noticed a group of young males whistling and moving ever closer to us. We were the only people in the parking lot that was surrounded by tall forest trees although there were several cars near us. We started to panic as we realized these boys were most likely going to try to rob us! The thing that I feel saved us from being robbed was as I threw my stuff in the car and we took off a couple of young men came out of the trees with climbing equipment slung over their shoulders! I stopped a few times as we left the park so I could try to get some photos of the setting sun shining on the tower. But each time I stopped and just got set up a vehicle would approach and I was afraid it was these boys following us, or at the least they would recognize us as the ones who had gotten away from them and would try again to rob us. I finally gave up and we headed home. While I will remember every trip we took together, it seems the last one is always the the most special one. I will never understand why the Lord took us down this path because I know in my heart we were meant for each other, but I will remember my time with her as the most special of my life.

Devils Tower. Posted by Hello



You know those dreams we all have once in awhile, where you wake up and it just seems so real? I awoke to such a dream this morning. Now, remember, it was a dream and some of it was unexplainable. But that is why they are called dreams, instead of reality. I was walking through a mall with this woman, younger than I. The mall was closed, it was as if it had yet to open for the day. She was wearing a bikini top and a wrap around her waist (I know what you are thinking! Remember, it IS a dream!). We were looking through some kind of bin in the center, like what Walmart has, except we were in a mall. I can tell from the dream that we were dating, but were not a yet a couple, we had yet to even kiss. I know this because while we were looking through the stuff, I leaned down and kissed her and to my suprise she kissed back and we kept going through the stuff as if that was how it was supposed to be. No big deal, just a quick yet not too quick kiss. In that 2-3 seconds we kissed, we both realized we had just taken a step forward. We were no longer 2 people hanging out together, we were now connected, albeit because it was so new a thin connection. But we were now a couple, and we smiled a little bigger, had more spring in our step. It was at this point I woke up and the dream ended and reality came back to me. But for just a moment, I was once again in Love, and it was good. I never know for sure if dreams are messages from God, or just a manifestation of something we want or need or fear, but I do know this dream tells me I have not forgotten what it means to be in love with someone. That is something I hope I never forget how to do.


Yahoo! News - Weight Training Improves Diabetic Nerve Function

Yahoo! News - Weight Training Improves Diabetic Nerve Function: "NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Resistance training improves nerve function in elderly diabetic patients with a common condition called peripheral neuropathy, according to findings presented today at the annual meeting of the American Diabetes Association. "
This is what I have been telling my father and my wife for years. Seems Pauliemac is stupid, yet he seems to know what he was talking about in the end! HaHa! I may be stupid, but I am one smart "stupid" guy.

This is one of my favorites.

This one I took last night. They were not quite open yet, but I was afraid the weather would turn bad by today (it didn't, but in Texas you never know).

I have already posted this on once, but Iiked it so much I wanted to include it in this posting.

This is the first really good one I took with my digital camera. Posted by Hello

Yahoo! News - Diabetics May Have Triple Normal Bowel Cancer Risk

Yahoo! News - Diabetics May Have Triple Normal Bowel Cancer Risk: "LONDON (Reuters) - Diabetics may have three times the normal risk of developing colorectal cancer, researchers said Friday."
This is the type of cancer I was told she had. I hope she is ok and her treatment is going well. I would never wish this on my worst enemy, let alone the love of my life.


He did it again...

My director, Bruce, held me back from a promotion once again. I was up for a make ready manager position as they were going to make a change. They were not happy with the person that was hired for the position and I was being pushed by my direct manager for it. But Bruce had another of his former employees show up needing a job and he got it. I don't hold anything against the guy, he was in the same position I was, needing a job. But I was here first and I feel I should have been promoted and that guy put in my current position as the make ready manager makes alot more money than I do. But the good news is my direct manager, Donny, wants to make me the dispatcher, which will also pay alot more money. We have not had a dispatcher and we need one as the team leaders, who are supposed to dispatch, are blowing it off. I can do this job and I want it. I need to make more money so I can pay off bills and provide for my kids.
On another note, I am really getting with my family well now. Whether they ever admit it or not, they have come along way in the way they deal with sister and I. I enjoy being around them and look forward to seeing them every weekend once I am out on my own place. I not only love them, but I really like them now too! Kidding. I have always liked them, but they are just more pleasant to be around now. Of course that is subject to change at any time!


Funny how things come about...

I had little taste for cottage cheese until one day Tam had said she wanted to start taking it to work with her. So we bought some at Walmart along with a can of mixed fruit. After mixing them together I decided to try a bite and much to my amazement, it was really good! So I told her I wanted to also take some with me to work for my mid-day break snack. After leaving Rapid City I had gotten away from eating it because not only did it have a memory associated with it, but I have very little space in the fridge to myself and I cannot afford to provide it to everyone all of the time, so I just quit eating it. But a couple of weeks ago I started again and made arrangements with the family so they would not eat it. Not that I mind, I just dislike having to go to the grocery store during the week and I was afraid I would come home one evening and be out of my food for the following day. Anyways, I have been taking it but because of the Memorial Day weekend I did not make it to the store on Monday for my usual weekly shopping. Last night I stopped off at the local grocer and purchased a different kind of cottage cheese, I usually get the Walmart housebrand fat free and this was Borden's regular. The point to this entry is, the Borden's tasted very different and I can tell you it will be last time I purchase any kind but the Walmart fat free!! So again the point, if Tam had gotten a different kind other than the Walmart fat free, I very well may have never found this kind that I did like and therefore would still not be eating cottage cheese. The bigger picture is you never know just how close you come to discovering something, or the opposite, missing out on discovering something. Tonight I will stop at Walmart and get the kind I like.

Texas weather!

Yesterday was as any other late spring day in Texas;hot, humid, and alot of sunshine. As I was returning from the bank at lunch I decided to leave the windows down in the car so maybe the car would be a little cooler after work. I thought to myself (there is that guy again!): "Myself, I would bet my paycheck it isn't going to rain." Was I wrong! about 6pm I looked out and dark clouds were coming in from the west and south. So I rolled up the windows and prepared to head home by 7. Fast forward to 9pm, a tornado warning scrolled across the tv screen and by 9:30 there was a confirmed tornado in the Mansfield/Arlington area (10-12 miles away) so we stepped outside, me with my camera in hand. Sure enough as we were gazing to the southwest, lightning lit up the sky and there was the funnel of a tornado! Like gawkers at a strip show we just stood there and looked for it, but the next time lightning lit up the sky, the funnel had retracted back up into the clouds, all except for a small bit. Alot of wind and rain, then the power went out. No a/c, can't open the windows because of the rain. What were we to do. Around 10:30 or so the rain calmed down, we cracked windows and went to sleep. Did not know what lights had been left on, but I sure did get a rude awakening when the whole house lit up around midnight! Sister closed windows and I turned the air conditioner back on and we all went back to sleep. Overheard Mom this morning say lightning hit some houses and at least one garage burned down. I did forget to mention there was quite a lightning show the whole evening. I watched it for awhile. Too bad there was a light rain or I would have attempted to take some photos of the lightning. I did attempt some photos when we saw the tornado but as it was my first attempt at such night shooting and I was in a hurry to shoot them, they just came out black (way underexposed). Better luck next time. Anyways, it made for an evening of excitement and interest.


Work isn't everything

Stop looking to be fulfilled at work, advises financial expert Stephen Pollan. "We're taught to follow our passions, and the money will come," he explains, "but fulfillment should come from your personal life, not your job." Pollan, 75, says a job should be seen as something that supplies income and security and hopeully is something you do well-not as a substitute for experiencing life. In Fire Your Boss, his new book, Pollan says to put yourself in charge of your working life. Everyone is replaceable, so you should be cultivating skills and looking for the next job.--from the Sunday, May 23rd, 2004 edition of Parade magazine.
This is what I am doing now. I was so focused on doing my job with perfection that I burned out and neglected my family. It is just a job that earns me money so that I can do the things I truly want to do.