One more to go....

One more month to go until the one year anniversary of Tam forever changing my life. As of today (really yesterday as it is now after midnight) it has been 11 months since Tam and I last made our sweet love. So much has happened since that last beautiful night, it only seems fitting it is also on a Saturday night as it was then. I have learned (along with so much else) not to even think about what might happen next week, let alone next year. 11 months ago right now i was so happy and 4 days later it had all changed. Just like that, in an instant my life went in a completely different direction. Having my daughter home with me is such a good thing, but I had hopes of her coming to RC to live with us. I have not heard a peep from her in 6 months. No divorce papers, no key, no I am sorry, no how are you doing. Nothing. Nada. So I work and take care of Jess and pray alot and keep waiting to see my son. All the time wondering about Tam. I tried to be Bethany's boyfriend but she wasn't interested. Probably for the best. I really don't know what I want. I am lonely for the companionship and company of a woman and yet I still dream of Tam. She was my soulmate, no one will ever be better suited for me than her. I really believe this. Does not mean I can't be a good boyfriend to someone, just that they will not quite be as perfect for me as Tam was. And yet, Tam was not perfect either, when she had the chance to step and be strong, she could not do it. I believe the quote I posted, that there are no perfect couples, only couples comfortable in their imperfection (or somthing to that effect). I sit here struggling with worry about how to pay for Jess's medications, Ryan's counselor, my bills, my truck that Tina won't pay for and so many other things. It is so much harder doing it alone, with no one to talk to about it. I discuss some of it with Jess, she has a right to know why things are the way they are but she does not fully grasp what is happening. We had a really good day today. We went shopping for an outfit for her tomorrow. The local C & W club has teen night on Sunday nights and she is going with a bunch of her classmates. Didn't spend too much as many sales were on and she is happy. She is doing really well and on Friday she learned another lesson about human nature. She got into a small spat with a girl and then the girl was told "Jess is going to get you" but it turns out that those kids were spreading the rumors. Jess and the girl made up in the counselors office. She learned that those kids were egging her on because they did not like the other gir, she is a geek and they are "cool". Well, Jess learned they were trying to get her to something but she would be the one to pay the price, not them. She is learning to walk away, as I have learned this past year. Anytime anything upsets me I have learned to just walk away, take deep breaths and don't even think about it for awhile, until the emotions have dissipated as the rising morning mist does when the sun rises. How I miss her and yet I have no idea how I would react now if she was to return, which I doubt she will. I am in limbo. My body wants to feel the touch of a woman, but my emotions want no part of giving to someone. And I have never been the type to do one without the other so I have accepted I will be alone for a long time. Sometimes I daydream of meeting someone new and I remember what it was like to fall in love. And at that moment I realize how very hard it would be to trust my feelings to someone right now, knowing they would do as the ones before have done. That no matter how hard I tried to resolve the issues, to strive to become a better person, I am not worth fighting for. It has become to easy in our society to just quit. If I am that bad of a person, then I deserve to be alone and should be. But I just can't believe I am that bad. Maybe I should smoke and drink and do drugs. Maybe then I would be normal. I am thinking of creating a blog just for Jess's teachers and myself to communicat on. I don't know if they would do it or not but it would be worth a try. That way instead of emailing we could communicate in a conversation mode. With Bloggers post by email feature I would give each teacher, her counselor and the vice principal the secret email code. Then, for them it would be just like sending me email but it would be kept in a record for as long as blogger exists. I think it is a really cool idea. and with the other email feature where i could be automatically send any new posts, i could have them sent to my work and get them right away. I shall see.

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