Getting close...

To emailing Tammi and asking her why she has not filed for divorce by now. Why she has not sent me my storage key as she said she would. I will always love her, will always wish things could have been different. But they are what they are and I am tired of thinking of her, of wishing for a different ending. As Dr. Phil would say, I need to get real. She isn't going to contact me, she is not going to reconcile. Today I implemented my 2005 budget using the formula and spreadsheet I developed about 6 months ago. What I saw from that was a very encouraging outlook. I don't know why I never figured this out before but I have now and it works. Supporting my daughter and myself, paying my child support, which includes and additional $125 a month for some arrearage for when I moved to and from South Dakota I am still going to be alright financially. Now mind you that is still a fragile thing as it depends on how the car holds out, whether I can keep Jess healthy and alot of other things. But I only deal with what I know and can control and will cross bridges as they come. Which leads me back to Tam. I almost sent her the email today. I know within a week or two I will send it. If there are those out there that do know her and read this as "Kiki" alluded to, tell her it is time her or her "boyfriend" pay for a divorce. She said she would, now it is time to step up and do it. What kind of man allows his girlfriend to remain married when he could pay for the divorce. Yes, she was married when we got together, but after a few months of being together, when we had decided we wanted to be together I encouraged her to file for divorce from Alton. Almost 9 months ago I had my last contact with her and she stated she wanted me to move on, that she no longer wanted what we had. Well, I am ready to move on with my life. I have 4-5 years to finish getting Jess to adulthood and that is my focus. As much as my testosterone wants me to press flesh with a female, my mind knows that is not really a wise thing to do. I have never been one that really likes one night stands, I prefer to love the woman I make love to and I am just not inclined to trust someone with my heart right now. My problem is I have been disappointed, rightly or not, by those around me. That includes parents, siblings, children, co-workers, girlfriends, wives and just about everyone in society. I have had to learn to accept that the way I choose to do things is not for everyone. I just want to put this behind me, move on with my life. I have rebuilt my life once again, only this time I have finally learned a few lessons and but some critical thinking into what I want and where I want to be in 5, 10, and 20 years. Tam could not or would not stand up to her daughter, my daughter and just about everyone else around her. I thought she would gain strength from me and grow strong. I was wrong. Now she needs to be strong, file for divorce and move on with her life. I don't know if she understands that while we are married if one of us was to die, the other one inherits bills, debt, and personal belongings. She has family heirlooms that by law would be mine, not her daughters, just as mine would belong to her and not Jessica. I don't want her to have any of my debt and I don't want any of hers. I want my grandmother's furniture to go to my daughter. I don't mean this in a bitter or hurtful way, just merely stating facts. If she has indeed moved on, with or without someone else, then make if final and official. I have hurt so much and wanted so bad to hear her say she wants to try again, but lately, I think because enough time has passed that the fog of pain has lifted, been thinking about all the reasons to not be with her. I love her, always will, but I now wonder if I really want to be with someone that is weak. I mean if she can't stand beside me, as I told her so long ago that is what we do, not in front or behind, but side by side and make an issue important to her because it is important to me, then I really don't think she is for me. I have done all I can do up to this point to better myself. Sometimes you make the right decision and sometimes you make the decision right. I did not want my time with her to be a wrong decision so I took it upon myself to learn why this keeps happening to me. I am older, wiser, stronger. I want to be free. Because you can say all you want this is the path you want to go (meaning no women in my life right now) but really, how much control over our lives do we really have? Not much I believe. You do what you know and when you know better you do better. I am doing better because I know better. So who knows when I might meet someone. I absolutely will not do the internet personals thing again. If I am ever to meet someone again, it will be the old fashioned way. Fate.



It started in Rapid City. I started looking at the bigger picture of things. I had realized that for years, when driving, all I saw was the road in front of me. I never noticed the larger picture down the road. But while I was living in Rapid City I would look, not just down the road, but would widen my viewpoint. I would notice mundane things like the power lines, the direction the road would turn, winding back and forth. I started seeing so much more than I ever had before. Now, more than a year later I am learning how to be an "observer", someone who watches, sees the larger picture while at the same time notices the smallest details. Maybe it is coincidence, but a few weeks ago I started reading a spy novel where the hero of the story calls himself the "Close Observer". Reading this fictional book has taught me something about reality, how to observe small details about people and life. Because of this I have started another journal dedicated strictly to observations I make in the world around me. Is it wrong for me to call it "The Close Observer" since I found that name in a book? How many newspapers have the word "observer" in their title? I don't want to be perceived as a plagirist, but I like that name as it fits this part of me really well. I don't know how often I will publish there as I want it to be filled with quality, interesting posts concerning observations I make in the world around me. I will be using it as a way to develop and nurture my my observational skills.


"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again."--Clint Eastwood
Me Too!!


Which one now?

Take this test. This was my result:

Your money personality is: Balanced
People who exhibit a balanced money personality style enjoy making and managing money. They may view budgeting and investing as a game of sorts. Money is viewed as a tool that is used to achieve ones goals. While they often have a budget, Balanced persons do not become overly uncomfortable with the occasional unforeseen expense or in purchasing the occasional luxury item. Balanced persons often feel that diligence, research and effort will reward them in the end. If they invest, Balanced persons tend to have balanced portfolios and are often comfortable seeking advice from financial managers.
I was not always this way but along with other things, I have been studying budgeting for the first time in my life and it is really paying dividends. (pun intended!)

A little test from MSN

(My scores in bold) 1. When a friend announces a new relationship, you think: # Good luck, you poor sap. (Score = 1) # Hope it works out better than my relationships usually do. (Score = 2) # I guess stranger things have happened. (Score = 3) # Maybe this time, hope will trump experience. (Score = 4) # Are you nuts? (Score = -1) 2. You see a hottie across the room. Your reaction is: # I pity the fool you take home tonight, but it won’t be me! (Score = 1) # Why bother? (Score = 2) # Looks harmless enough, but I’m sure she's/he’s hiding something. (Score = 3) # Maybe this one will be different. I’m going over there. (Score = 4) # Where’s that little Ninja hiding the knife to stab me in the back? (Score = -1) 3. How much baggage are you carrying around from past relationships? # A boatload of bad feelings. (Score = 1) # Several suitcases of self-pity. (Score = 2) # A backback filled to bursting. (Score = 3) # Not much. I’m learning to travel light. (Score = 4) # I’ve had to rent a storage unit. (Score = -1) 4. Your theme song could be: # Janis Joplin’s version of “Take Another Little Piece of My Heart.” (Score = 1) # Willie Nelson’s “Crazy.” (Score = 2) # Orson’s “Already Over.” (Score = 3) # Jon Brion’s “Trial & Error.” (Score = 4) # Alanis Morrisette’s “You Oughta Know.” (Score = -1) 5. When it comes to love, you’re: # Sick and tired of getting hurt. (Score = 1) # Jaded. (Score = 2) # Learning to love being single. (Score = 3) (Until a few months ago it would have been the first one, but I am healing.) # Confident you’ll find love eventually. (Score = 4) # Convinced that anyone you’re attracted to will break your heart and suck the life out of you. (Score = -1) Less than 0 You’re bitter, baby. You’ve been kicked around by love, but with an attitude like yours, it’s hard to believe you’ll get the chance to give love another go—not that you’d want to. Learn from the past and then let go of it. You’ll feel better, I promise. 0-5 You’re a cynic. And while that can result in an entertainingly acerbic wit, you’d be better served by remembering that you get more bees with honey than with vinegar. 6-10 After your bad experiences, it’s normal to be a little jaded. But don’t let your attitude develop into cynicism. Instead, focus on feeling hopeful about a future that includes a good relationship. 11-15 You’re making an effort, and it’s probably starting to pay off. Being skittish isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Just guard against letting your prior experiences keep you from trying something new. 16-20 Congratulations. Despite a painful past, you’ve been able to put them behind you—hopefully with some valuable lessons learned.


The past is merely the representation and the individual translation of what we thought happened.

Time Passages

Two years ago today, tonight, I was finishing my first day in Rapid City. One year ago today, tonight, I was preparing for my last day in Rapid City. Where will I be and what will I be doing one year from today, tonight? I just hope and pray I am still here to find out.
The "200 things" list... (bold are things I've done) 1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink 2. Swam with wild dolphins 3. Climbed a mountain 4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive (A Corvette is the best I can do) 5. Been inside the Great Pyramid 6. Held a tarantula (had a swarm of them invade my encampment) 7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone 8. Said "I love you" and meant it 9. Hugged a tree (I don't remember why!) 10. Done a striptease 11. Bungee jumped 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm 14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise 15. Seen the Northern Lights 16. Gone to a huge sports game (Well, A Dallas Cowboys game is HUGE to me) 17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa 18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables 19. Touched an iceberg 20. Slept under the stars 21. Changed a baby's diaper (My daughter, I raised her) 22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon 23. Watched a meteor shower 24. Gotten drunk on champagne 25. Given more than you can afford to charity 26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope 27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment 28. Had a food fight 29. Bet on a winning horse 30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill (After 5 weeks straight, 7 days a week, I needed a day off.) 31. Asked out a stranger 32. Had a snowball fight 33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier 34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can 35. Held a lamb 36. Enacted a favorite fantasy 37. Taken a midnight skinny dip 38. Taken an ice cold bath 39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar 40. Seen a total eclipse 41. Ridden a roller coaster 42. Hit a home run (Does sandlot ball over the roof count?) 43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days (How I fell in love with South Dakota) 44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking 45. Adopted an accent for an entire day 46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment (Just today) 48. Had two hard drives for your computer. (this one right now) 49. Visited all 50 states 50. Loved your job for all accounts 51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced 52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 53. Had amazing friends 54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country 55. Watched wild whales 56. Stolen a sign 57. Backpacked in Europe 58. Taken a road-trip (Love them!) 59. Rock climbing (How I discovered I don't like rock climbing) 60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice 61. Midnight walk on the beach 62. Sky diving (I have hung from a helicopter while it was flying) 63. Visited Ireland 64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love (Just read my blog and you will know I will be for a long, long time) 65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them 66. Visited Japan 67. Benchpressed your own weight 68. Milked a cow (and a goat) 69. Alphabetized your records 70. Pretended to be a superhero (I am to my daughter) 71. Sung karaoke 72. Lounged around in bed all day (It was a beautiful day with her!) 73. Posed nude in front of strangers 74. Scuba diving 75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye 76. Kissed in the rain 77. Played in the mud (Don't all little boys?) 78. Played in the rain (Part of falling in love!) 79. Gone to a drive-in theater (The new generation doesn't know what they are missing!) 80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it 81. Visited the Great Wall of China 82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog 83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better (I will in another year) 84. Started a business 85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken (Not yet, but maybe someday) 86. Toured ancient sites 87. Taken a martial arts class 88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman 89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight 90. Gotten married 91. Been in a movie 92. Crashed a party 93. Loved someone you shouldn't have (That is why I am hurting now) 94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy 95. Gotten divorced 96. Had sex at the office 97. Gone without food for 5 days 98. Made cookies from scratch 99. Won first prize in a costume contest 100. Ridden a gondola in Venice 101. Gotten a tattoo 102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on 103. Rafted the Snake River 104. Been on television news programs as an "expert" 105. Got flowers for no reason 106. Masturbated in a public place 107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything 108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug 109. Performed on stage 110. Been to Las Vegas 111. Recorded music 112. Eaten shark (Once, thought it was good, but for some reason have not eaten it since, don't know why) 113. Had a one-night stand 114. Gone to Thailand 115. Seen Guns N Roses live 116. Bought a house 117. Been in a combat zone (Fortunately, we were not in a war when I was in, so it was all just practice for me) 118. Buried one/both of your parents 119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off (Makes sex better!) 120. Been on a cruise ship (Been on a Navy ship) 121. Spoken more than one language fluently 122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone 123. Bounced a check 124. Performed in Rocky Horror (I always watched the others go down to the screen) 125. Read - and understood - your credit report 126. Raised children (Still am, she is 15) 127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy 128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour 129. Created and named your own constellation of stars 130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country 131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did 132. Called or written your Congress person 133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over (Read my blog and you will know this how I ended up back in Texas) 134. ...more than once? - More than thrice? 135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge 136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking 137. Had an abortion or your female partner did 138. Had plastic surgery 139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived. (Possibly. When I was about 6, we were hit by a car on my door. No seatbelts used back then. Head slammed in the dash. To this day I can remember exact moment before impact but no memory of the ambulance ride or hospital stay afterwards.) 140. Wrote articles for a large publication 141. Lost over 100 pounds 142. Held someone while they were having a flashback 143. Piloted an airplane 144. Petted a stingray 145. Broken someone's heart 146. Helped an animal give birth 147. Been fired or laid off from a job 148. Won money on a T.V. game show 149. Broken a bone (Another childhood accident, hit in the face with a bat. Shattered cheekbones and nose structure.) 150. Killed a human being 151. Gone on an African photo safari (Hope to someday as photography is my great love, besides my wife and children) 152. Ridden a motorcycle (Can't wait to get another one!) 153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph (Yeah, and it was stuipd of me too!) 154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced 155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (Grew up hunting) 156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild 157. Ridden a horse (They don't like me much!) 158. Had major surgery (Face reconstructed, see #149) 159. Had sex on a moving train 160. Had a snake as a pet 161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (Been to the edge) 162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing 163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours 164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states 165. Visited all 7 continents 166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days 167. Eaten kangaroo meat 168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground 169. Been a sperm or egg donor 170. Eaten sushi 171. Had your picture in the newspaper 172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime 173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about 174. Gotten someone fired for their actions 175. Gone back to school 176. Parasailed 177. Changed your name 178. Petted a cockroach 179. Eaten fried green tomatoes 180. Read The Iliad 181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read 182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them 183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you 184. Taught yourself an art from scratch (I am an artist at my job!) 185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt (Have not had the chance yet) 187. Skipped all your school reunions. (Probably will skip the rest of them) 188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language 189. Been elected to public office 190. Written your own computer language 191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream (When I was in Rapid City) 192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care 193. Built your own PC from parts 194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn' know you (Do movies count?) 195. Had a booth at a street fair 196: Dyed your hair 197: Been a DJ 198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal 199: Written your own role playing game 200: Been arrested (Only once and never again will I) I've done a lot of stuff...


Another anniversary

Since this is the time for anniversary's for me here is another one. It was two years ago tonight that Tam and I arrived in Rapid City, SD to begin our new life. We came with only our hopes, dreams, and prayers. Over the next year we succeeded at working and building our life. Then, in a fraction of a moment in time, it was all gone. We move on, but never forget.
"Happiness is not a horse; you cannot harness it." - Russian proverb.


Wave from Typhoon Tokage clashes against a seawall in Beppu, Oita Prefecture, in southwestern Japan. By Takuya Okabe, AP

This is awesome!! I hope the photographer was ok. Posted by Hello
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field."Niels Bohr

Well, in the very narrow field of relationships, I would now be the worlds leading expert! HaHa!


Who we are...

I watched a show tonight that affected me with some deep emotions. The theme of the show was accepting people for who they really are, no matter what others may think. This is why I fell in love with Tam. Not only did she allow me to be me, but she joined in with my silly fun. We had been together for awhile and I knew just how I felt about her, but she did something that sealed the deal. We used to "play" by leaving little plastic critters hidden for each other. For some background, each summer I would get a nest of mice in my attic. Never in the house, mind you, just in the attic. I was always terrified I would lower the attic door and one would fall on me. One Saturday while she was at work I lowered the door to put some things away when a grey long tailed "rat" fell upon me! It was Ricky the Rat, a plastic rat that we used to scare each other with among our zoo of critters. She had placed it on the fold-up stairs so that as I opened the door Ricky would fall on me. And did it work!!! I jumped so hard I pulled a muscle in my leg! Then, when I realized what it was and who was responsible, I immediately called her. It was at that moment, more than any other moment, that I knew I wanted to spend my life with her. That was how this show I watched tonight was. When the love of his life died, he never looked for another. The guy stated you only get one shot in life for that absolutely true love. I had my shot and it didn't work out. I was told life is too short, get out and do things. I am. For the first time in a year I actually enjoyed going shopping. No sadness, no sighs about what no longer is. Just good memories, like the one of a plastic rat.


This is nasty but cool!

ken and barbie

Another day...

Today was a good day for me. As stated in a previous post about cookies I am finally coming to grips with myself, where I have come from and where I hope to go in life. Did some shopping today as I have really done well with my finances and I just wanted to pamper myself a bit. So what did I buy, you ask? A new antenna for my tv and three shirts from my fav thrift store. This past week I had seen an advertisement from Sonic for a patty melt sandwich and I have been thinking of that all week. So I went to my neighborhood Walmart and bought me some Texas Toast bread (I have been using that for Jess's breakfast and I just love it!), hamburger meat and some Monterray Jack cheese. All I have been doing since then is surfing the net and watching tv. About 8pm (I also had purchased some frozen fries) I made my patty melt and fries and relaxed. Jess went to the state fair today with a friend and she is sleeping over so I have the place to myself. While at Frye's Electronics I salivated over the mp3 players but I am not going to buy one yet, for two reasons. One, I think they will come down in price more once Christmas season is fully here, and 2 because Jess will want to use it and I don't want her to. She will just lose it or have it stolen because lack of responsibility. So I will wait until the right time and I will get her and I some kind of music players. I had envisioned her and I getting the same things but I don't feel it is wise to spend $100 on her for something she will end up losing. So she will get a cd player of the lower quality type, as long as it plays mp3's and I will get the fancier flash player. I will also keep it with me at all times so she will not be tempted to use it. Seeing as I only slept aproximately 5 hours last night I will not be staying up for Saturday Night Live tonight. In fact I don't think I will be up much more than a few more minutes.
Look for and acknowledge the everyday miracles that happen in your life. Now, "everyday miracles" might sound like a contradiction, but they are indeed real -- it's all a matter of your perception.


I want to preface this entry with the following statement. I understand and accept that my marriage is over and has been over for more than a year. I just continue to write about my feelings on this subject as this is a major turning point in my life. This is not just a situation where I am moving from one relationship to another. I will turn 40 in 3 months and my daughter is just a few years away from being on her own. So this past year has not been about "moving on", but rather about what I need to do to completely change the course of my life. I have no interest in pursuing a new relationship at this time. I have finally reached the point where I can think of something Tam and I did together and I remember it as a good thing instead of something that causes nothing but pain and anguish. Now I can put those memories into words and read them from time to time, allowing a smile to play across my lips as I do.

Cookies. Tam would make me cookies almost every night. I never was much for sweets such as cookies and cakes but she made them anyways. She made them, I believe, as a way of saying thank you for the things I had done for her. Her job was alot harder than mine and she made more money than I did so I tried to make up for it by cooking dinner, doing the laundry, shopping and anything else I could do in an attempt to make her life easier. We would be relaxing, watching tv and she would get up and leave the room. I would hear some rumaging going on in our kitchen and about 15 minutes later I would smell this warm, delicious smell emanating from the kitchen and I knew what was going to be coming my way soon. I miss the cookies.


More enlightenment...

Today, as per my usual day I was analyzing my life and what led me to be where I am right now. Today, I realized some truths about me and what makes me, me. I have come to the conclusion that, while I have been working on changing some things about me, there are some things about me that will never change, nor should they. But just as an alcoholic must avoid a bar, I must avoid putting myself in situations where those personality traits can create a tension. An example would be, I am a demanding person on some issues. I don't mean to be but I put an incredible amount of energy into my daily life. I started this when my daughter was six months old and I seperated from her mother. I had this tiny child that depended upon me for everything. I worked eleven hour days to provide for her. Spent most nights holding her as she was sick alot. Many nights I took her to the emergency room, not getting home until midnight or later. Rocking her in my rocking chair, cleaning up vomit from her bed. This took an immense amount of energy to do and I just stayed in this way of being. It never seemed to end. Then I bought my house and that required alot more energy, even thought Jess was older and able to take care of herself more than before. Now I had a large yard, bigger home, longer drive. So in short I have always had to be a hard charger to accomplish all that needed to be done. And I am still this way, I think I always will be. Maybe I am unrealistic, but I expect those around me to put as much energy into our lives together as I do. I have this belief that people should want to put as much energy into me as I do them. I now understand this is not a realistic way of thinking. If I had to do things over again, I would withhold my thoughts and allow the person I was with to handle their issues their way. I had tried to be a role model for someone that had not had a very good father figure role model and it backfired. I had expectations that someone would stand up for me and because something was important to me it would be important to them. I was let down by this expectation. I have come to the conclusion that I have to accept them for who they are along with their limitations if I want to be with them. If I cannot accept this, then I should not be with them. I think this is what I have been searching for this past year. It is ok to be me, but it is not ok for me to try to make someone else be me also. I wish I had learned this a long time ago. But I have time, God willing, to try again someday.



I find it interesting how we as a collective species are so much the same and yet so different. Some people find an indentity and it stays with them all of their lives. And others change, like a chameleon, often. I tend to fit into the chameleon side of humanity. While there are things about me that are part of who I am and will never change, there other parts that are ever evolving. I continually try to grow as a person and part of that growth includes trying new things.

One of the things I tend to change every few years is the style of my wardrobe. Now, I won't tell you I buy expensive clothes, I buy Walmart and Target, thrift stores (love them, I don't care what anybody thinks!) and walk the mall looking for a bargain. But as for my style, it evolves. Several years ago I was into simple T-shirts. Then, in '98 when I was married to my son's mother she had visions of changing my wardrobe and I was dressed "preppy" which really did not suit me. Then I started wearing short-sleeve button down "camp shirts" and khaki shorts. I thought this suited me well but when I returned to Texas from South Dakota, most of my clothes I had to leave behind in storage. Then, half of what I brought with me was lost by the bus company on the way here. So I had to start over again. This time I invested in blue jean shorts as they go with all colors of shirts and shoes. Needing some shirts, I bought "polo" type shirts that I found on sale and I was set for the summer.

When I hired on at my present employer I once again found myself wearing a company uniform. I have worn this type of attire for most of the past 10 years, so it was not a big deal for me. I usually have worn a long sleeve button down shirt and slacks, even in the summer. Why I wear long sleeves at work when I wear all manner of short sleeves away from work I cannot answer but I do. But lately I have been deciding I want to wear this type of shirt all the time. My body is of the "barrell-chested" type, so to speak and I have finally figured out that button down shirts are the most flattering for me. So I have now migrated to exclusively wearing button down, long sleeved shirts. Well almost exclusively. Since I have several "polo" type shirts I will wear them from time to time, especially in the cooler months underneath my long sleeve shirts. I have three such shirts and this weekend I am going shopping for more.

I feel this desire to dress nice (I have secret dreams of expensive blazers and cashmere sweaters) comes from my misguied belief during my youth that it did not matter how I dressed, a female would see past that and would like me for me. I now understand how that was one of several ideologies (?) that I was incorrect about. Now, twenty-something years later I am finally grasping that I don't have to dress expensively or even fancy to dress with some class. Another of life's lessons learned late but not too late.


CNN.com - Google IDs 1993 hit-and-run victim - Oct 8, 2004

"Google IDs 1993 hit-and-run victim":

Is there not end to what Google can do?!!! I don't know why the evil empire (Microsoft) thinks they can do this better then Google, they simply do the best job out there.

Good things....and dreams....

70 - 10 !!!!

Can you believe it? Texas Tech put a whipping on Nebraska like never before has happened to Nebraska. For a day that did not go well at work, actually a miserable day all around, God has found a way to pick me up. I come home and find out my credit card limit has been raised by a $100 and then to find out TTU put such a hurt on Nebraska, it really lifted my spirits. I don't need the credit limit raised but I take it as a message from God that I am on the right track in life. I messed up really bad when it came to handling my credit and finances. I keep hearing the commercial that says it is never too late to take control of your finances and get them in order. But I have to do it now as I have one last shot at making things right. It has taken me 8 years to screw them up and will probably take at least that long to make it right, but if I do, and I am blessed to live a long life, I can set myself up for a somewhat comfortable semi-retirement. I truly have come to beleive my calling is some form of photo-journalism except I am not sure if I ever will be able to go to school for it. But with the world as it is today, I may not have to do that. I do believe that if I work hard at honing my skills, blogs and the internet may open up a path to being noticed. I feel that most of the time my writing is not as polished as some of the other's that I read, most notable Clublife and Tj's Place (who seems to have quit writing). But I also feel that I can improve upon what skills I do have to the point where I can write a 500-2000 word story along with some photos well enough to be published. For me, right now, it is about reading others articles and learning from them. Not copying a style or plagiarism, but just getting a feel for how to do it. I have read a number of articles in such publications as Texas Highways and Texas Parks & Wildlife and I think I can do as well of a job as they do. I am goint to put my money where my mouth is and attempt to do this by going on a trip and writing about it. Funny, that is why I started this blog 1 1/2 years ago. But now it will be about my experiences with my daughter. She expressed her desire to once again go camping with me. After December, I will have 5 days of vacation time coming and I have decided to use it one day at a time. That way we can go on several short, three day weekends starting in March. I am hoping to take such a weekend, once in March, April, and May. Then hold off for the hot summer and go again in late September, October, and November. Six trips in a year. That will give me enough material to write about for the rest of each month after we return. Then do it again the next year. And as long as I work for my current employer, starting the second year I will recieve another 5 days of vacation. I think once that happens, instead of more three day weekends, keep it at the same six but now they will be four day weekends. I can already picture waking up on a cool March mornng at Enchanted Rock, a special place for me. And if I am able to handle my finances correclty this time, I can save enough money to once a year or every other year fly somewhere like South Dakota for a four day trip. Go in March when the mountains are snow-capped or in the summer when the rivers are running full. The possiblilities are just beginning to emerge. I maybe very late to the game but not too late to contribute to the win. The game of LIFE.


A thought...

It comes to mind that if Tam could replace me after a few months, and she expected me to replace her just as quickly, then she really did not understand the depth of my love for her. It means she does not know what it is to be loved by someone. But how does a person know that they are loved by someone with that special love? I mean, there is a difference between that truly deep, devoted, forsake all others love and the love where you just enjoy being with someone but not to the point where you would die for them, where you honor the words "for better or worse, till death do we part". I am finally realizing that my love for her was much deeper than hers for me. I was good to her and she enjoyed that. But her love for me just wasn't that passionate, your number one kind of love. I have finally accepted this. So, only when both people share this kind of passion for one another can the issues be confronted and resolved. I feel better because it wasn't my fault. I was/am willing to work on the issues and I have done that, albeit alone. But it was not worth the effort to her because she didn't share the same feelings for me. It wasn't anybody's fault, it just is what it is.


Exactly one year ago this very minute, my wife was tearing my heart out and crushing me. I thought my world had ended. But it has just begun for I have learned and grown. I love you, will always love you. But I thank you for it because it is better to have lost you and be who I am now than to have stayed with you and continued my anger towards the world. I have spent alot of time over the last month reflecting on what I have learned over the past year. It has been a very painful experience but a needed one. I do think how sad you have chosen your path and how you will never get to reap the benefits of my growth as a person. How your actions will reward someone else. I do believe that someday I will meet someone that will want to get to know me and spend time with me. I am not looking for that right now, I have too much going on. But if it is God's will then it will happen. I no longer worry about such things. I only worry about that which I can control. I do miss you and wish we could have made this journey together but that is not what was supposed to happen or it would have happened. I hope your health returns and you have a long, happy life. I can honestly say that my time with you was the happiest, most content time of my life and I only hope I can experience something remotely close to that again.


God and an epiphany....

Truly, God works in mysterious ways and you just never know when, or how, He will speak to you. He does guide you and give you answers when you need them. You just have to know it when He is speaking to you. I get down on myself alot, have for a very long time. Failed relationships, children with issues, limited income because of immaturity leading to limited education. Just alot of things that create negative thoughts in my head. But this morning, as I was driving from the store I decided that I am a good catch. That maybe I just have not met the right woman yet that can fully appreciate just who I am and what I am about. I decided I would not be down on myself, that there are many women that would be fortunate to have a man like me in their lives. Not all women, I am not big-headed or conceited, but it is a big world and so there are many that would feel lucky to have a guy like me in their lives. Ok, so that is how I decided to approach life. And then, as if to reinforce these feelings of confidence and self-worth came the message from God that I was on the right track. As anyone that has ever read my words here knows, I am a fanatic about Dr. Phil and his way of teaching life's lessons and laws. I only get to watch him every 2 weeks when I am off work on Thursdays and sometimes not even then. But today I was watching him and there was the message for me. For awhile now I have been preaching to Jess to do better than me, to be better than me. On Dr. Phil's show today was a woman that had been saying the same things to her daughter. She wanted her daughter to do better and be better and in doing so would pressure her daughter about many things. Nothing the daughter did was good enough. What Dr. Phil explained to the mother was that she was pointing out things in her daughter that she did not like in herself. He pointed out that the mother was in fact telling her daughter that the mother was not worthy, that she was not a good person. This is what I have been doing. One of the things Dr. Phil taught in his book is that you must be able to forgive yourself for having accumulated baggage. I have "baggage" but I am not a bad person. I just have made decisions that have not worked out. I was not smart and did not realize the true consequences of my decisions should those decisions not work out as I had hoped. So now I pay a consequence because of those actions. But I am a good, decent person. And I will continue to be this kind of person. I am working hard at being the best father I can be for my daughter. And while I want better for her, I do hope she is alot like me. There is a difference between being a bad person and being a person that made bad decisions. So it would not be a bad thing for her to be as I am, I just hope to use my wisdom to teach her how to become better informed before she makes a decision. I may not live till tomorrow, but I could die tonight knowing I have done my best. Not because of things I have done, but what I continue to do. Learn from my experiences. How I wish I had went to my step-daughters for dinner one year ago this past Tuesday. But if I had, I might not be the person I am today. While I miss my wife very very much, I am also very happy with who I am today. I was unhappy last year on some issues but I have discovered my unhappiness had nothing to do with Tam or Laura or anyone else except me. I was hurting for reasons that were deep inside and no amount of love or understanding from Tam were going to fix them. It took her doing what she did to get me to really think about my life and how I felt, who I was and who I want to be. I miss her terribly and somehow I hope someday she will be able to see who I have become because of what she did. But, as I have said before, a person can be lonely and happy at the same time. I am lonely, not because I don't have a woman, but because I don't have a certain woman. But as a person, I am happy, confident, and looking foward to the rest of my life. If God intends for me to be with someone, He will send her my way and when He does I will be ready.


This is what happened to me!!

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."--Socrates


Something to think about...

"Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities."--Aldous Huxley


The beginning of the end......Or is it the end of the beginning......? I really don't know the difference right now. Today is the one year anniversary of the last time I felt my wife's touch, of the last time we made love and I made her feel good. Four short days from now will be the anniversary of the end of my marriage, of when she told me she no longer wanted to be married to me. When she told me, "I guess I don't love you enough", meaning what we had together was not worth fighting for. It is said that you should take a year off to grieve when a loved one dies. While she has not died, at least as far as I know she hasn't, our relationship did. And because I moved back to Texas and don't see her or hear from her it is as if she had died. I have no idea where I will be or what I will be doing a year from now just as one year ago today I had no clue I would not be with her. I do love you Tam and I will miss you forever but now, over the next month as each anniversary of the events of last year come to pass, I will put you behind me, never to be forgotten but no longer in my present. I have kept you there because I wanted to. Now it is time. I cannot afford a divorce as I have my money tied up in saving for Ryan's counseling. And you said you would pay for it, so it is time. It is obvious you made your choice and have not looked back. If you ever do change your mind you know how to find me. It is sad that you never will get to meet my son. There is so much unfinished business you and I had but it is what it is. I kept my promise to you even though you didn't ask for it because I could not let my time with you count for nothing. I had to find some meaning in knowing you. The pain was too great to just let it go without having meaning. I wanted to be able to look back on our time together and the way that time ended and take something good from it. I have done that. I am a better father, friend, co-worker, human being for it. My only regret is that I could not have embarked on this journey just a bit sooner so that we could have done it together. I hope all goes well for you and you have found what you want out of life. Sometimes yo make the right decision, and sometimes you make the decision right. I have chosen to make the decision to marry you a right one by growing from it.


That's how you measure a man's strength, how they bounce back from when they've been down." - Dom Capers, former head coach of Kerry Collins

I think I have bounced back more than once pretty good. Only this time I feel I finally have learned a thing or two also that will help me from committing the same mistakes I have in the past.

Words I am trying to remember and follow...

"I'm living proof that good things will happen, if you're patient," Collins said.(Kerry Collins, quarterback for the Oakland Raiders


New Directions - How to Get What You Really Want

Part of your plan, before the goals, is to eliminate any toxic or draining person, activity, commitment or prior goal that is no longer working. No need to do anything that no longer serves you. This just creates resentment and will affect your entire life.

For about a month, try asking yourself, "Is this what I really want to do?" As the responses come, you will see what and who has been depleting your energy. Take care of yourself, first. Be totally responsible for what happens in your life that you touch, contact or handle.

Another guide to goals; keep them SMART. Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and True. If you want a car, make sure that goal says "Platinum, 1999, 750i BMW car," not "I want a BMW." You may wind up with a motorcycle! Measurable; how will you know it when you get it? Attainable; is it at all possible? Goals should be at the outer edge, not out of reach. Realistic and true for you, not anyone else. This is your life.

This sounds like a good way to move forward. Over the next month or so I am going to post what it is I want to accomplish, both in the near term and the far. It takes time to achieve goals and I have put myself 20 years behind so I have to be careful for what I want and be realistic in what I can accomplish.


What goes around comes around...

I am learning that lesson really well right now. I never have had an allergy problem...until now. I never knew the suffering others went through as I rarely ever got sick and had no allergy problems whatsoever. I could literally roll around in a bed of flowers coated in pollen and it would not bother me in the least. But for the past week I have been suffering as I have never before suffered. It is my understanding that the ragweed is raging full speed ahead. I have sinus pressure like balloon about to burst, nasal passages stopped up, nose itching and rubbed raw from tissues and eyes itching and burning. I have been using a nasal inhalent to decongest my nose, bought some sudafed today. All that just barely allows me to get through my day. I now know what some many people have suffered for so long. Once again I have learned that the only way to know what someone is going through is to walk a mile in their shoes. I fear I will walk this path for the rest of my life.
It was said to me recently "Bucko, you need to move on with your life" and that since I have found a partner in the past I can find one again. I guess that is true but I have been giving all of this alot of thought. I now appreciate in a way what "Kiki" said to me as it has once again gotten me into some deep, serious thought. I have come to realize that it isn't Tam I miss so much as what I had with her. But because I truly believe I will never have that again with someone else. But because of that then it is her that I miss because only with her would I have that which I want. I remind myself that while I would like to be with someone, I believe it is not in my best interest to be with someone. My memories, and I am sorry to those that feel they have the right to tell me how to feel, are much too fresh in my mind. I have a few God given talents and long term memory is one of them. Sometimes I think it is a curse because I never forget the things I have done with someone. I am a very deeply emotional person and when I think of a memory that brought me joy, it hurts because I no longer have anyone to share that memory with. What I need is time, years and years of time to make these memories very distant. I still hurt from memories from my childhood so if I have not gotten past those yet, how can I get past things that have happened in just the last few years. It seemed as if I had been with her a long time but now I look back at how much has happened to me in 8 years and realize so much has happened in such a short time. I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing next week much less 5 years from now so I just don't worry about it anymore. There are no guarantees in life and I am reaching the age where people start to get sick and die. Because of that I am going to just do my best to enjoy each day and deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes. I will plan for the future but just keep it basic because who knows if tomorrow will indeed come?