Meeting the challenge....

Of life. I had an "event" happen to me this morning that has caused me to grow up a little more. I was on my way, as usual every Sunday, to the bank and then to Walmart for grocery shopping. I was stopped at the light, waiting to make a left turn when I suddenly realized the Dodge truck in front of me was backing up! Yes, he hit me. Crushed the grille and headlamps. Fortunately neither of us was hurt (of course than can change come tomorrow as whiplash takes 24 hours to set in, but I really don't think anything happened to me) and the car is driveable. Tomorrow I will call his insurance to make sure he reported it (I am sure he did, he looks very upstanding) and get a rental car. The car is damaged enough that at its age and condition I am sure they will just total it (it is at least $1500 in damage) and I will do just as Mom and Dad did, buy something for cash off of my used car lot. We shall see. But it is something that I did not need after yesterday's error. I feel it is a challenge, a test of my strenth. And so far, I have done well. Of course I was upset but I explained to the gentleman it was not him I was upset with, just that it was another speedbump in life. He felt the same as he explained he had just taken a job as a FedEx driver and he did not need this on his record. I understand that. The police officer suggested I get an estimate and the guy could just pay me straight up but I will not do that as, even though I feel for him, I need a rental car until they decide if they are going to total it or fix it or just cut me a check and let me fix it myself. Between yesterday and today I have grown up some more. I will explain to Jess that I no longer have time for her games. She needs to grow up and get serious about her life. Games are over. I either want Tam (if you read this Tam listen to this carefully) to get the divorce over with or reconcile. Games are over for me as they probably have been for you for awhile with your health. Tam has had my address (my parents home) since the beginning of this ending, yet I have no idea where she lives. Time to grow up and face reality. She ran from her responsibility to me and to her daughter. Ran away, as always. Time to quit running. The other night I was feeling really down and I smoked a couple of cigarettes. I had not since I had brought Jess back to Texas. Afterwards, I thought about what I had done. I didn't feel any different. My situation hadn't changed. So why did I do it? Two days later I realize if it isn't going to improve my situation it isn't worth it. So I threw the rest of them away. I had not intention of having them more than on night anyways but it was just a waste of money and time. I do feel that my maturity over the last year has cost me some of my innocence. I know most people go through that at a much younger age, but I am behind the learning curve when it comes to the rules of life. Of course Dad was his same accusational self so I just let him go. I just needed someone to talk to as it was going rough but they are not the ones for that role in my life. I will survive and succeed, no matter the odds. I have come too far, learned too much to let this slow me down. It will only make me stronger. It was an opportunity for me to be a man, be an adult with another adult and I did it. I was upset at first but rebounded to stand my ground (not with animosity but just as one adult another). It helped me realize I do belong in this world, that I am part of society. There will be a tomorrow.

How quickly things change...

Today started out well, I was feeling good about my present and my future when "it" happened. I ran some reports that only come at the beginning of the month and that is when I discoverd my $20,000 mistake. That is correct: $20,000! Each month Nissan sends a report requesting several claims to be returned to them for review. I had not seen one in a couple of months so I was under the false impression that no requests had been sent. In all my past experiences, these reports had been presented to me. But as I checked over the past few months reports in the que, sure enough there they were. So I spent the majority of today pulling files and making copies. Kris, the Asst Mgr and previous Claims Administrator (my big title, small authority!) assured me that this money can be recovered. I will go with faith in her and belief in myself. This was a very good opportunity for me to test my reactions now compared to before. Even though I jested with a few people that I had made a mistake likely to cost me my job, I did not feel that way. I remained calm, worked the problem and will just let the chips fall where they may. I am proud of myself. On another note, I have not received a response as of this time to my email to Tam. I admit it was short and probably very cold sounding. Following is what I sent to her: 1. When are you going to file for divorce? 2. When are you going to send me my key? (To my storage unit in South Dakota. I had asked her to keep it just in case the owner needed someone to open it or to check on it. She reluctantly agreed. Now I wish I had not left it with her as I fear her daughter or someone else may have entered it and taken and/or damaged my things.) I then left my current address for her to send them to. Of course I care and wonder how she is doing. She had/has cancer (I don't know the current state of it right now) and is diabetic. I may be a bad person but I just can't be her friend if I am not her husband. Just the way I am. I don't know if I am weird or different, but I am a very, very deeply emotional person. My short term memory is horrible (I make lists for everything because I can't remember to p/u a loaf of bread to save my life), but my long term memory, that is another thing altogether. When it comes to events in my life, things that "happen" to me, they burn in my memory. I remember so much about so many people that have crossed my path that sometimes I wish I couldn't. I remember all the taunting and teasing from grade school all the way until I graduated. I remember details from relationships long past. Miniscule details, mind you, as everyone remembers a certain amount of events in their lives. But I remember the smallest details. And it usually hurts. When I should be smiling when reliving a special moment, I am sad because it was a special moment and now it is gone. I don't know why I have these feelings of sadness. I will admit they are lessening in intensity and I am smiling alot more these days. I also know being alone and lonely for companionship feeds these negative feelings also. When I am with someone I live in the moment and enjoy life so much. This was especially true being with Tam, she was the first to love me just as I was, not telling me what to do or how I should dress. Not that those that came before were mean or cruel or controlling, they were not. But they did let me know what they thought I should do and I don't work well that way. So here I am, in a limbo of sorts as far as relationships go. I live with my memories, but they hurt. I have no guarantee there will be a future with someone. I am enjoying my time with my daughter. My kid has no idea how much fun I am having being her Dad right now. She has issues, and it is going to be a hard challenge to get her through the next 3-5 years, but it is one I welcome and embrace. So that is what I focus on, her and my job. But those memories, they haunt me, enter my thoughts constantly. How can I enjoy what was but no longer is? I don't know how to do that. The cookies, ducks, her Mama's house on a cold Sunday morning, a fire burning making the house all warm and cozy. These are things I never want to forget yet they hurt so much to remember I want them to go away. It is a twisted life I lead and all I can do is keep going forward, one day at a time.

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It is done...

Well, I just sent Tam and email asking when she was filing for divorce and when she was sending my key to me. It has been over a year since I left and eight months since I last received and email from her so I think it is time to get this over with. I have been told to "move on" but I can't as long as I have an attachement to her. I just want to put this past me once and for all. Enough crying. Enough sorrow and self-pity. The other day I was making breakfast for the girls and I suddenly realized I was "happy", whatever that may be. I was feeling a small bit of euphoria, for lack of a better description, at where I was. I have a note posted at work, another of Dr. Phil's quotes that says: Be committed, Do what it takes, and you will have what you want. I believe this whole-heartedly. I am committed to my daughter and my job right now. I want to be the best father I can be. I have been a good provider but not a good teacher. I took my daughter on camping trips and spent time with her but I did not teach her. She is ADD and that is something that cannot be cured. I see myself in her. I now understand I am also ADD and have been since I can remember. So, while it is not a handicap such as blindness, really it is more along the line of diabetes, it is something you can live with but you have to learn how. I am now committed to teaching Jess how to live and thrive with it because I do not have the kind of income to afford the drugs used to treat it. I am also unsure of why she was being given mood stabilizers when it was not and is not her mood that is the problem, rather it is her hyperactivity and inability to stay focused on the task at hand. She has changed alot. She is so respectful of her teachers and administrators. She attends church regularly. So, to get back to my point, I am happy with my place in the world right now. It is time to get on with the future and stop wishing for a past that is never going to come back.