How quickly things change...

Today started out well, I was feeling good about my present and my future when "it" happened. I ran some reports that only come at the beginning of the month and that is when I discoverd my $20,000 mistake. That is correct: $20,000! Each month Nissan sends a report requesting several claims to be returned to them for review. I had not seen one in a couple of months so I was under the false impression that no requests had been sent. In all my past experiences, these reports had been presented to me. But as I checked over the past few months reports in the que, sure enough there they were. So I spent the majority of today pulling files and making copies. Kris, the Asst Mgr and previous Claims Administrator (my big title, small authority!) assured me that this money can be recovered. I will go with faith in her and belief in myself. This was a very good opportunity for me to test my reactions now compared to before. Even though I jested with a few people that I had made a mistake likely to cost me my job, I did not feel that way. I remained calm, worked the problem and will just let the chips fall where they may. I am proud of myself. On another note, I have not received a response as of this time to my email to Tam. I admit it was short and probably very cold sounding. Following is what I sent to her: 1. When are you going to file for divorce? 2. When are you going to send me my key? (To my storage unit in South Dakota. I had asked her to keep it just in case the owner needed someone to open it or to check on it. She reluctantly agreed. Now I wish I had not left it with her as I fear her daughter or someone else may have entered it and taken and/or damaged my things.) I then left my current address for her to send them to. Of course I care and wonder how she is doing. She had/has cancer (I don't know the current state of it right now) and is diabetic. I may be a bad person but I just can't be her friend if I am not her husband. Just the way I am. I don't know if I am weird or different, but I am a very, very deeply emotional person. My short term memory is horrible (I make lists for everything because I can't remember to p/u a loaf of bread to save my life), but my long term memory, that is another thing altogether. When it comes to events in my life, things that "happen" to me, they burn in my memory. I remember so much about so many people that have crossed my path that sometimes I wish I couldn't. I remember all the taunting and teasing from grade school all the way until I graduated. I remember details from relationships long past. Miniscule details, mind you, as everyone remembers a certain amount of events in their lives. But I remember the smallest details. And it usually hurts. When I should be smiling when reliving a special moment, I am sad because it was a special moment and now it is gone. I don't know why I have these feelings of sadness. I will admit they are lessening in intensity and I am smiling alot more these days. I also know being alone and lonely for companionship feeds these negative feelings also. When I am with someone I live in the moment and enjoy life so much. This was especially true being with Tam, she was the first to love me just as I was, not telling me what to do or how I should dress. Not that those that came before were mean or cruel or controlling, they were not. But they did let me know what they thought I should do and I don't work well that way. So here I am, in a limbo of sorts as far as relationships go. I live with my memories, but they hurt. I have no guarantee there will be a future with someone. I am enjoying my time with my daughter. My kid has no idea how much fun I am having being her Dad right now. She has issues, and it is going to be a hard challenge to get her through the next 3-5 years, but it is one I welcome and embrace. So that is what I focus on, her and my job. But those memories, they haunt me, enter my thoughts constantly. How can I enjoy what was but no longer is? I don't know how to do that. The cookies, ducks, her Mama's house on a cold Sunday morning, a fire burning making the house all warm and cozy. These are things I never want to forget yet they hurt so much to remember I want them to go away. It is a twisted life I lead and all I can do is keep going forward, one day at a time.

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