A new way of doing things...

Tonight I sit in a small mom-n-pop motel in Comanche TX posting on my blog as I get ready to see my daughter tomorrow. I picked this motel because several weeks ago on my last trip to visit my daughter I noticed the sign out front that said they had free wireless internet. Now I know that most motel chains now offer this but they usually cost $60 and up for a room. I usually stay at these smaller local motels because they generally offer a clean room for around $40. And just as I thought, this room cost me $44 including tax. And it is a nice, large room with microwave, mini-fridge, and coffee maker. But the internet is what I like. What does this have to do with a new way of doing things? Tomorrow when I see my daughter I am going to stress to her the importance of focusing on that which you have decided to do. I am practicing what I am going to preach to her because I am now really starting to focus on that which I want. For my wife and I that is to eventually move to the country. I am going to stress to her that she cannot let anyone allow her to stray from the path she chooses until she has accomplished the goal at the end of that path. I have never had this foresight before. I know that those that are successful in life know this, many from a very young age. I never before had the maturity to understand this concept. I do not want my daughter to have to struggle through 20 years of adulthood before she figures it out. But if I do not practice it myself I cannot be a guide for her to follow. I do not know why I could not understand this concept nor have the discipline to follow it. Looking back, I have exhibited it in my work as I learned more and more but I never put into practice regarding my personal life and the bigger picture of life itself. So while I cannot go back and redo things in my life, I can start right now with goals to accomplish and put my undivided attention on them. Keep the focus is what I am calling it. I am going to tell her that you can and will have more than one "focus" at a time. Example: While moving to the country is the big picture focus for my wife and I, the smaller "focuses" are my work, our home, etc. I have a stack of claims from our new store that go back 3 months that needed correcting and resubmitting. I made a conscious decision to get them all done by the end of work today. And I did, even though I was asked to do other things, I always returned to my current "focus". This may sound easy and it may be for most people, but for me it has not been easy. I do not know why my brain is wired the way it is but it is. So many of my beliefs that I held are changing and I know part of it is because I never wanted to be like everyone else. So I did things differently just to be different. But it has held be back in life. Also it is because I have never been confident of my abilities. But over the past year I have had to be responsible for so much that I have really started looking at my life and how others were able to accomplish their goals in life. I get so down as I see how so much of what could have been was wasted. But I hope to be able to put that behind me as we cannot change the past and just go forward with what we want to accomplish now. I just hope my wife can overcome her illnesses so that we may do this together. She is in so much pain right now. And that brings me back to focusing. I am tired and burnt out on trying to please everyone. When I say I am making decisions that are best for me, I mean for my wife and me as we are one. I believe in that principle of marriage. So many times when I talk of her sugery or doctor appointments, I use the word "we" but also whenever I say "I", I am also speaking of "we". I can no longer allow anyone to influence my decisions just because I do not want to hurt their feelings. I needed to see my daughter as I have not seen her in about six weeks. My "mil" (mother-in-law) probably feels I should go to the hospital tomorrow. But I can see my wife on Monday as I am off, even without the holiday I would have been off. I have chores to do when I get back tomorrow. She is the one that came uninvited last February when my wife got sick again and I have tolerated her attempts to remake my home into her home but no more. If she is here to help me take care of my wife, then that is what she is going to do. And I mean take of her the way I need her to do it, not how she wants to do. There will be no more of me coming home and her going to her room and to bed while I have to continue taking care of my wife. She is the one home all day resting while I am working 10 hour days to pay the rent. She does not pay rent or help with the electricity but she can run that tv 24/7. I have had enough. I need to get some rest at night and if she cannot help me the way I need her to help, then she can go back home. I know I am ranting now but I needed to get this off my chest. I feel everyone relies on me but does not ask what I need. My parents do the most of that by helping me with errands and loaning my their car to take my wife to the doctor and to see my daughter. In short, I am done with allowing others to influence my decisions because I don't want conflict. I have to take care of me first (again, meaning wifey and me) everyone else second. Focus is the word.