Outside...

Having been an outsider most of my life has, for the most part, been a lonely experience. But recently I have realized, that while I really don't like the feelings of loneliness, there is something that I can do with it. As an outsider, I have developed the skill of observing others. When I combine observation with memories of events and situations from my past I am able to construct a mental picture of how things should have been done and how they should be done. Something I have come to believe is that for the most part we are no different than a colony of ants. We scurry about our little lives oblivious to what is around us. Sure, we see what is on the news, we say that is terrible, and then we move on because we have other things to do. Why are we so pathetic in doing this? No matter what we do, how much we earn or what we live for we are all going to die. Unlike the ants which live for the promotion of their kind, we attempt to live for ourselves. We do not worry about what is best for our species, we worry what is best for our shareholders. I am as guilty as anyone and I make no excuses, I simply state my opinion regarding the human race. The ice pack is melting and all the shipping companies can think of is how to exploit the northwest passage so they can save some money on shipping. Why are we not putting more resources into finding other ways to manufacture what we want and need and less into finding cheaper ways of getting the stuff to us. I have digressed from my original point I was trying to make. Making money is fine, that is what our country was founded on and it is a good thing as long as greed does not become the driving force behind making that money. When is enough money enough? Does the person make 1 million dollars a year have to have the 10,000 sf home? Or can they have a much smaller home that uses less electricity and therefore does not cause a brownout in the summer that causes the poor person to die from heatstroke because they cannot turn on their fan? again I digress, getting on my pulpit for issues that are for another time. I observe much going on in our world and it is not good. I see the people making the left turns, their cell phones glued to their ears, not paying attention that they just ran a red light. Daily I see people run red lights and I wonder how they will feel when they eventually hit someone and kill their child? I watched a video on the internet of a woman trying to beat a train and not realizing that another train was coming in the other direction. Two of her three children died and it was all due to greed. Greed is not just about money. It is about wanting something so bad that you will have it regardless of who it hurts or destroys. When that guy has to go around me to my left and then change back hard to my lane to make the right hand turn when he could have just as easily stayed behind me, made the turn and then passed me, that is greed. It is a sin. Pride is another sin that I am struggling with. I am 42 years old and when I see a person older than sporting some kind of colors, in this case a harley davidson jacket while sitting on his bike, it makes me wonder. Is it really ok, at our age, be have pride in something you enjoy? How much pride can you have before it becomes a sin? Is pride not a sin? I realized that I feel so down because of the situations in my life that I do not allow myself to feel pride in anything I do, whether it is my work, my role as a husband, father, son. I try to do well at all of these things and yet I feel to take pride in a job well done would be boastful since I have not succeeded as well as I would have liked at any of them. There are so many things that I now realize my parents were just trying to do for themselves when I was a child and teen and they needed my help and yet all I could think of was myself and going to play basketball with my friends. Is that my fault for not having more respect? Or is it their fault for not being more disciplined on me? I am not sure of the answer but I do know it bothers me now. If I had been less in need of companionship I would not have exposed my daughter to the pain she was caused and therefore she may not be how she is now. I did not put her first and now I suffer along with her. The difference is she does not realize she is suffering nor how much she will in the future. She is too busy getting high to worry about that. I only pray and hope she figures it out before it is too late. Husband, I try to be a good husband but I feel I fail miserably at times.