Once again, how I feel...

Finally made it to texas Had to overcome a couple of hexes I am so blue How much I miss you To Tam, made a promise or two I will keep before my life is through Her touch, soft as fleece Or the feathers of her babies, canadien geese Talked a long time with Tom S. He helped me see where I made a mess I am so sorry my hard head Became a wedge Because without you I am a lost soul Never again to be whole But I must go on with my life Even if without my beautiful wife She gives me purpose Even if I can’t see it on the surface So I now will close This short prose It is written from the heart I will pray that we will not be forever apart And say goodbye As I once again search for the why I give you my love And set you free, upon the wings of a dove. -pauliemac I wrote this poem 16 months ago as I left the one I love behind. In the time since then I have worked hard to figure out who I am, how I came to be who I am and what I needed to do to change my life. I have learned so much, have grown so much. I made a promise to her that I would not let my time with her be for nothing, I would become a better person. I have done that, but it is not finished, never will be. I will continue to do my best to grow as a person. I have spent the last 20 years of my life not doing things because I wanted to wait and do them with someone I loved. I found her and I have come to the realization that there will never be another person for me. I cannot imagine a relationship being better than what I had. Sometimes in life you meet that one person that is perfect for you and you know there could never be another. It is not enough to find someone just for the sake of being with someone. I could not ever love someone again as I loved her. But it is not a bad thing, rather it is a wonderful thing. I know she is far away and I am in her distant past, no longer thought of in the same way. But this is not about her and what she feels, it is about what I feel. I can go through my life knowing I have loved and been loved in that special way that only comes around once in a while, that what I felt is not felt by most people. I understand the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". People have said, and will say, "you should move on, bucko", but that is just what I have done. I am raising my daughter the best I can, planning for my future, playing with my hobbies. I have tormented myself over the past year with my deep feelings for her and the thought that I indeed need to move on, that it is time find a new love. But I have also learned to admit the truth at its basic core. The truth is I love her and I have no desire to love someone else. I have no desire to be with a woman just for the sake of not being alone. It would be superficial and meaningless. I am prepared, and actually embrace the fact I will be by myself for the rest of my life. And that is fine. One of the things I learned in this journey is that I had to forgive those that had been tormenting me all these years. To forgive those that had hurt me. To forgive myself for all of my choices and how the consequences of those choices had affected others. But what I had not done is ask to be forgiven. I hope someday she will forgive me for my part in all of this. There will never be another like you, and I am so happy to have known you. The joy I had being with you will be with me forever and most people never get to experience that. I told you I didn't want to settle for second best and that is what I meant.

WOW!

What a difference a week makes! This time last week I was wondering where my daughter was and now I am finishing up an absolutely perfect day. I awoke at 5:30am this morrning to some perfect morning coolness. After making coffee I diced up some ham, onion, and jalepeno pepper, sauteed it in some oil and made me a tremendous breakfast wrap. After eating I showered and went off for my Sunday grocery shopping. Bought me a small tabletop fan, some multi-vitamins, alot of fruit (tangerines, lemons, grapefruit and bananas to go along with the 6lbs of onions I bought yesterday), my breakfast and lunch foods and a few treats. The other day I started thinking of the kinds of foods I wanted to eat when the hot months get here and a cold pasta salad came to mind. I believed that I could make a better one cheaper than those boxed salads. Yesterday I had also purchased a pack of chicken thighs (I am very good at deboning them, creating small filets of chicken meat) so as I deboned them I prepared the pasta (68 cents for a box, only needed 1/2 box per salad) along with dicing up some onion. Combined everything along with some mayo and a bit of ranch dressing and dill relish. Into the fridge it went and an hour later I had the best pasta salad, twice the amount for half the price of the boxed kind. For the next 5 hours I played on the net, watched the Daytona 500 and napped. The weather was perfect, cool with pure blue sky. I have been needing a relaxing day like this for quite some time. I think my kid has realized how much she hurt those that love her the most and I also think she realizes we are all tired of the stupid choices she is making and we are not going to help her of do for her if she screws up again. I hope so because I am not going to go through this anymore. I she can't learn from what has already happened she is going to have a tough life and there is nothing I can do to help her. I will not support her if she is just going to be lazy and ignorant. But again, today was about as perfect a day as a person can have and I am grateful for that.

A horrible week it was...

I am tired so I will make this short. My daughter disappeared for 6 days this past week. Friday, Feb 11th she was supposed to spend the night with a friend. On Thursday, Feb 17, I got a tip from someone about where she was and I went and got her. Everything has been fine since but it will never be the same. I know she did some drugs while she was away. I simply told her, if it happens one more time I will have her sent away (boot camp or some other type of juvenile incarceration) until she is 18. She has been through this before and she is out of chances. I would rather have her locked up than not know if she is alive or not. Only those that have been through this can know how it feels. I had the police searching for her, I made up fliers with her picture and a number to call and I had a small army of people looking for her. I love my daughter so much, but sometimes she can be about as stupid as a person can be. And I have not even mentioned the pain and hurt it caused her grandparents. I refuse to give up on her but she had better start meeting me half way. She talks aobut all the things she wants and I tell her I am happy to get them for her but she has to earn them. Pass school, stay out of trouble, do some chores. Otherwise, she will be on her own as soon as the law says she can. I will help anyone that is willing to help themselves, but I will not support someone that chooses to be lazy and irresponsible. Way I am. I work hard for what I got and I do have expectations of others to meet me halfway on such things. I have not handled situations very well in the past but that does not mean I can't expect someone to pull their own weight. Freedom is not free, we must all earn our way through life. Forgive me, I am venting and ranting because of how much stress she put me through this past week.

---

On the other front, work is going so well. I have earned the respect of so many people in my company, people in high management positions. I am going to collect the money on my "mistake" and the Fixed Operations director knows about it all so all is well there. My new manager is impressed with my work, skills, and abilities. I have decided that when my lease is up at this apartment, we will move back south near my work. I understood the ramifications of living 20 miles from work, but I really liked the area. I really like it here but I think at my present financial position it would be better to live really close to work. Less wear and tear on the van, much lower gas expense and more time at home for blogging! I have figured out that 2 bedrooms down there are less than $100 a month more than this 1 bedroom we are in right now. Jess has already said she won't mind going to another school. I want to settle back down and have her finish out her education at one school so with me getting settled in at work for the long haul I think this will be our last stop until she gets out of school and goes her own way. Then I will evaluate if I want to continue living wherever I am at or if I want to work on something more permanent. I have come to the conclusion I will probably never live anywhere else than the metroplex here. Once I get her out on her own, I think I will look to buy a couple of acres out in the country and either put a double-wide on it or a prefab home. I am looking at doing that in 7-10 years and that will get me set for the rest of my life. I will try to have it paid off by the time I am 65 and then retire. So, in some ways, my life is really coming together right now. While I experience loneliness at times, I have feelings for only one. So I concentrate on other things in my life. My job, daughter, parents, and life itself. My relationship with my parents is the best it has ever been and I am really happy about that. Although Jess remains a stress, and she always will, she is my daughter, I am finally relaxing in life. This years focus is on saving money for the counseling for my son and the purchase of a trailer hitch and a trailer so I can go to South Dakota and get my things. Patience, something I never had much of has become a virtue for me. In short, I am as happy and content as I can be and that is a good thing.

---

I got this from a show I watched this evening but I thought it very true. "What we are never changes, but who we are never stops changing"

Joy......and Sorrow......

First, the joy. I received some documentation today that I have been given credit for all the claims that are part of my "mistake". All, that is, except for one worth just under $450. That one was missing some documents, which I promptly found and re-sent via overnight Fedex. I am not counting my chickens until they have hatched, but once I get that credit memo in my hands and have it posted to my schedule I will be free of this weight on my shoulders. Now for the sorrow. A co-worker of mine has a chihuahua that had puppies this past weekend. Three of them. The momma had rejected the runt, so my co-worker had been feeding the little guy night and day with a small bottle made for puppies and puppy formula. Today was supposed to be my day off, but because I am attending a warranty school tomorrow I went in for a half day today. I left while she was at lunch and called her while waiting for Jess to get out of school just to make sure she made it back to work. That is when she told me her puppy is dying, that he was having a very hard time breathing. She figures he will have passed by the time she gets home from work. He was so cute and adorable, but it is God's will to take him and I told her I would say a little prayer for him to go peacefully.

Which SuperBowl commercial was....

Your favorite? I thought the American Heritage commercials (where you were told not to judge too quickly) ranked even with the Bud Light commercial in which the pilot jumped out of the plane. I think there was only one broadcast of each (I may be wrong) but they will be on tv again. As for the game, I really don't like either team but I absolutely can't stand Philadelphia so I was going for New England. I really thought they would win by a larger margin but Philly did put up a good fight. I am not happy that New England has tied Dallas for 3 titles in 4 years, but they still have a ways to go to win 5, as Dallas and San Francisco are the only 2 to have accomplished that. I have to say the game was entertaining and with Philly's late touchdown, the outcome was not decided until the last few seconds. New England seems to specialize in these types of Super Bowls. Unless it is Dallas, I want a close game. If my beloved Cowboys are playing, I of course want them to be ahead by 100 points by halftime. I know it isn't realistic, but it is what I want.

---

Not much happened today. Jess went shopping with me today, then I watched Alien vs Predator and the Super Bowl. I wish the movie "critics" would just quit trying to tell me whether a movie is good or not. AvP was great! I know it isn't Academy Award material, but then again as I previously stated, that isn't what I watch a movie for. I will buy both of these movies soon to add to my collection. Not every movie can be of the size and breadth as "Titanic" or the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. I saw an ad for Vin Diesel's next movie, "The Pacifier". Seems to me it is a rip-off of "Kindergarten Cop". I will reserve final judgement until I see it. night, all. "I was not afraid to tell the world how I feel. It is what allowed me to begin to heal"

A good day to celebrate a birthday...

What a day! Nothing too special happened, just a good all around day with my folks and my daughter. Jess and I went over to my folks home this morning as I wanted to change the oil in the van before starting our running around. Arriving there we found out that their roof was going to be replaced today so changing the oil was pretty much out of the question. I had planned to go in to work for a short while to finish out my hours for the week and to get a headstart on next week. I was going to go in late in the afternoon after the days events but since I could not change the oil I decided to go in at 11am and be finished in time for lunch. Dad went along for the ride and read a magazine in my office while I processed a couple of credit memo's. Turns out I went in at the right time because my new boss, having just learned the day before I am the unofficial department photographer had a customer come in complaining that his front bumper was fading and it should be covered by his warranty. Of course it wasn't because it was caused by enviromental damage, but we humor the customer by taking the photos and submitting for approval or denial. So I took the shots and then it was time to leave. I work really hard and give alot of my own time to the company. In return I take a few liberties and perks that not everyone else gets. I have always done that and it has always worked out to be very beneficial for me and the company. I have to have my 4-5 hours of overtime each week just to pay the bills, otherwise I would have to take a second, part-time job. If I did that, and there is nothing wrong with that, but then I would not have the time to do the work I do at home. It takes 50 or more hours each week to keep up with my work so I make it worth the companies time to pay me the overtime. I was two hours late on Monday because I went to pick up the scanner I had purchased on ebay. If I did not go in today to make up that time, it would mean I had paid $50 instead of $20 for the scanner. I could have bought one at the store for that price and therefore it would have been a waste of time and gas to drive all the way to North Dallas to pick it up. So, in I went and I am glad I did. We went out for Mexican food for lunch, there is this little diner near the folks house that is very, very good. I had a monster chimichanga and plenty of chips and salsa. I ordered the beef chimichanga and Dad ordered the chicken. But when the waitress brought out the food, she got them mixed up and I had the chicken! No matter, she was so beautiful and had the most sensous voice I would have eaten dirt and enjoyed it! It really was good and at six dollars, quite a deal. From there we went to Frye's electronics, mom wants to buy a digital camera with her income tax return and I am helping her do some research on various models. From there we went to Sam's, I thought because they wanted to buy some groceries. Turns out they wanted to by me a gift, a 256mb xd card for my camera. I had recently expressed an interest in getting one. My current xd card is 128mb but it works fine. I didn't want to hurt their feelings but I told them if they were going to spend $40 on me there were other things I would rather have right now. We were wandering the aisles while I was thinking of something else. That is when we ran across the wireless pcmcia card that I had been wanting for my laptop. My laptop is an old, slow, 133mhz pentium powered fujitsu. I bought it mostly to fill out pdf forms I have scanned in for work. I had no idea it would be able to get on broadband internet, much less wireless access! Most pc cards requred much higher speed processors but I had found one from U.S. Robotics that only required a minimum of a 100mhz processor. Only thing is, on the net it cost $60 and I was not yet prepared to spend that much on something I would only use once a week, if that much. But as soon as I saw it I remembered I had seen it the last time I was at Sam's, again for $38, the same amount as the xd card they were going to get for me. So, now I have a wireless card for my laptop, along with a scanner. I am going to go to the library on my next mid-week day off and try it out. The library has free wi-fi internet access and I have been waiting for months to go there. Three nights a week (mon, tues, and thurs) they are open until 9pm. I get off work at 7 and the library is basically on my way home. I have dreamed for months now about stopping off and checking email and such there, where it is quiet and just a different environment. Not that home is a bad place, but sometimes you just want your surroundings to be different for awhile. That's not true, you want to be around other people. You may not talk to them or have any other contact other than being in the same room. But still, it means your not alone. The only thing left to resolve and I won't be able to until I get there is a power source. My laptop does not have a battery so I need a power outlet. If they have some near the desks and tables I will be all set. If not, I will figure something else out. Also there is a cafe halfway between work and home, but not along the freeway, that offers free wi-fi. I will also check them out for power outlet availability. I will find the right place that will suit my needs. Ok, so then we went home and just hung out while watching the roofers work. Last night we rented some movies, including "The Chronicles of Riddick" and "Alien vs Predator". I am a big fan of Vin Diesel and of course my all time favorites are the Alien series of movies. The movie "Pitch Black" introduced me to Vin Diesel and I love that movie. Being the geekoid I am, I am a massive sci-fi fan. And as a true fan, I don't need non-stop special fx. A movie is no different that a good book. You have to use your imagination along with visualation. I think that is why "Pitch Black" was so good. Five minutes of space ship scenes at the beginning and for the rest of the movie, even though the land looks like death valley, I believe they are on another planet. That is because the story, action, and characters are so good. So, my point is that even though "The Chronicles of Riddick" was panned by the critics (what do they know anyways?) I loved it. I don't care for blood and gore, I don't feel they are needed to get a point across. Non-stop action and pretty good special fx. In short, it is my kind of movie. I read that the studio was planning to make three of these, depending on how this one did at the box office. Unfortunately, and I don't have an data to back this up, but I feel it did not do well enough to warrant the cost of more movies. Too bad. I think I am going to watch AVP tonight and if I feel up to it, watch Riddick again tonight, otherwise I will watch it tomorrow. I don't need superb acting in each movie I watch. I want to be entertained. I think that is why I don't watch drama's very often. My life is nothing but drama. I want escapism. In sci-fi and to some extent, fantasy, you can be whomever and/or whatever you want. I may be forty years and day old, but I am not "old". I still have dreams, desires and emotional needs unmet. So, if I indulge in a fanstasy movie headlined by a bald guy a few years younger than I am with a couple of hot chicks at his side, so what? oh, and this short poem. She may be in the distant past and far away but she is still on my mind everyday.

I have a real problem with people who look down on other people. Example is the way people with a college education believe that people without one are "uneducated". If they could pull their noses down just a bit they might find out that some of us are pretty smart and knowledgeable. Sometimes it is just the twists and turns of life that kept us from attending college, not a lack of desire. Not all smart people get to go to college and not all people with a degree are smart. For all those lonely people who won't date a person lacking that degree, you are cutting yourself so short. I have been working with my new boss for 4 days now and I think I will like working for him. Alot of how he does things is how I have done them in the past. I owe my former boss a tremendous amount of gratitude and will forever be in his debt for giving me a job when I needed one, but this might be a good thing. My new boss is a no-nonsense kind of guy. He does not make things optional, his word is how it is going to be. That is how I learned a shop should be run. I guess it goes all the way back to my Marine Corps days. Things are not optional, you do as your told. It is the only way. Does not mean a boss has to be arrogant or cruel, just that everyone knows who has the final word. In the past four days I have developed quite a rapport with him and he has already entrusted quite a bit of responsibilty with me. He has quickly learned that I am quite knowledgeable in my profession and that I have a firm grasp on how things should be done. I have worked a long time, finally reaching a point where my skills and knowledge equal my wisdom. By the way, today is my birthday and it was a really good day.