Once again, how I feel...

Finally made it to texas Had to overcome a couple of hexes I am so blue How much I miss you To Tam, made a promise or two I will keep before my life is through Her touch, soft as fleece Or the feathers of her babies, canadien geese Talked a long time with Tom S. He helped me see where I made a mess I am so sorry my hard head Became a wedge Because without you I am a lost soul Never again to be whole But I must go on with my life Even if without my beautiful wife She gives me purpose Even if I can’t see it on the surface So I now will close This short prose It is written from the heart I will pray that we will not be forever apart And say goodbye As I once again search for the why I give you my love And set you free, upon the wings of a dove. -pauliemac I wrote this poem 16 months ago as I left the one I love behind. In the time since then I have worked hard to figure out who I am, how I came to be who I am and what I needed to do to change my life. I have learned so much, have grown so much. I made a promise to her that I would not let my time with her be for nothing, I would become a better person. I have done that, but it is not finished, never will be. I will continue to do my best to grow as a person. I have spent the last 20 years of my life not doing things because I wanted to wait and do them with someone I loved. I found her and I have come to the realization that there will never be another person for me. I cannot imagine a relationship being better than what I had. Sometimes in life you meet that one person that is perfect for you and you know there could never be another. It is not enough to find someone just for the sake of being with someone. I could not ever love someone again as I loved her. But it is not a bad thing, rather it is a wonderful thing. I know she is far away and I am in her distant past, no longer thought of in the same way. But this is not about her and what she feels, it is about what I feel. I can go through my life knowing I have loved and been loved in that special way that only comes around once in a while, that what I felt is not felt by most people. I understand the saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". People have said, and will say, "you should move on, bucko", but that is just what I have done. I am raising my daughter the best I can, planning for my future, playing with my hobbies. I have tormented myself over the past year with my deep feelings for her and the thought that I indeed need to move on, that it is time find a new love. But I have also learned to admit the truth at its basic core. The truth is I love her and I have no desire to love someone else. I have no desire to be with a woman just for the sake of not being alone. It would be superficial and meaningless. I am prepared, and actually embrace the fact I will be by myself for the rest of my life. And that is fine. One of the things I learned in this journey is that I had to forgive those that had been tormenting me all these years. To forgive those that had hurt me. To forgive myself for all of my choices and how the consequences of those choices had affected others. But what I had not done is ask to be forgiven. I hope someday she will forgive me for my part in all of this. There will never be another like you, and I am so happy to have known you. The joy I had being with you will be with me forever and most people never get to experience that. I told you I didn't want to settle for second best and that is what I meant.

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