Where is this leading us to?
I am not sure where I am going to go with this today. I am tired of sounding off like a depressed, sad bystander but that is what I am. I love being with Tam and taking care of her but I want her to become as healed as she can be so we can move forward and do things. I am starting to realize and accept that we probably will never reach that point. She is sick and will always be sick. She will have good days and bad days but I do not think she will ever be past this where we just get up and spend our days doing what we want to do. She may or may not ever get to even come home. It is always going to be some little thing and eventually those little things will add up to be a big thing. I do not say this with a negative outlook, merely a realistic one. If this is to be the way it will be, then so be it. I will be with her, take care of her the best that I can and just be happy I have that. I just am starting to understand that the dreams we had set out for ourselves are not going to be realized. We will have to be satisfied with whatever we do get to have for as long as we get to have it. We have already given up on our dream of moving to the country as she needs to be as close to medical facilities as she can. So here in the metroplex we stay. That is just the first realization. This is the second time in a month that she has had some time of complication to her health. Both of them have been treatable but still, it means work for her body to fight off some type of infection. This is C-diff which is a common bacterial infection found in people taking antibiotics in a hospital or nursing home facility. Again while it is treatable and curable, it is just another thing that can weaken her body. What next? How much can she take before her body just decides it has fought enough. She has been fighting illness for over 3 years now and at some point it is going to take her life. For one of the nicest, sweetest souls on this planet, it just is not fair. Why punks like Keith Richards can spend their lives ruining their body with drugs and still live a long life while someone like Tam who does not touch the stuff loses her life early we can not know the answer. I choose to believe that it truly is part of a larger plan of God's and that there will be meaning to her life. Where and with whom I do not know, but it will be. She will make a difference, if not while living, then because she lived.