God and an epiphany....

Truly, God works in mysterious ways and you just never know when, or how, He will speak to you. He does guide you and give you answers when you need them. You just have to know it when He is speaking to you. I get down on myself alot, have for a very long time. Failed relationships, children with issues, limited income because of immaturity leading to limited education. Just alot of things that create negative thoughts in my head. But this morning, as I was driving from the store I decided that I am a good catch. That maybe I just have not met the right woman yet that can fully appreciate just who I am and what I am about. I decided I would not be down on myself, that there are many women that would be fortunate to have a man like me in their lives. Not all women, I am not big-headed or conceited, but it is a big world and so there are many that would feel lucky to have a guy like me in their lives. Ok, so that is how I decided to approach life. And then, as if to reinforce these feelings of confidence and self-worth came the message from God that I was on the right track. As anyone that has ever read my words here knows, I am a fanatic about Dr. Phil and his way of teaching life's lessons and laws. I only get to watch him every 2 weeks when I am off work on Thursdays and sometimes not even then. But today I was watching him and there was the message for me. For awhile now I have been preaching to Jess to do better than me, to be better than me. On Dr. Phil's show today was a woman that had been saying the same things to her daughter. She wanted her daughter to do better and be better and in doing so would pressure her daughter about many things. Nothing the daughter did was good enough. What Dr. Phil explained to the mother was that she was pointing out things in her daughter that she did not like in herself. He pointed out that the mother was in fact telling her daughter that the mother was not worthy, that she was not a good person. This is what I have been doing. One of the things Dr. Phil taught in his book is that you must be able to forgive yourself for having accumulated baggage. I have "baggage" but I am not a bad person. I just have made decisions that have not worked out. I was not smart and did not realize the true consequences of my decisions should those decisions not work out as I had hoped. So now I pay a consequence because of those actions. But I am a good, decent person. And I will continue to be this kind of person. I am working hard at being the best father I can be for my daughter. And while I want better for her, I do hope she is alot like me. There is a difference between being a bad person and being a person that made bad decisions. So it would not be a bad thing for her to be as I am, I just hope to use my wisdom to teach her how to become better informed before she makes a decision. I may not live till tomorrow, but I could die tonight knowing I have done my best. Not because of things I have done, but what I continue to do. Learn from my experiences. How I wish I had went to my step-daughters for dinner one year ago this past Tuesday. But if I had, I might not be the person I am today. While I miss my wife very very much, I am also very happy with who I am today. I was unhappy last year on some issues but I have discovered my unhappiness had nothing to do with Tam or Laura or anyone else except me. I was hurting for reasons that were deep inside and no amount of love or understanding from Tam were going to fix them. It took her doing what she did to get me to really think about my life and how I felt, who I was and who I want to be. I miss her terribly and somehow I hope someday she will be able to see who I have become because of what she did. But, as I have said before, a person can be lonely and happy at the same time. I am lonely, not because I don't have a woman, but because I don't have a certain woman. But as a person, I am happy, confident, and looking foward to the rest of my life. If God intends for me to be with someone, He will send her my way and when He does I will be ready.

No comments: