The beginning of the end......Or is it the end of the beginning......? I really don't know the difference right now. Today is the one year anniversary of the last time I felt my wife's touch, of the last time we made love and I made her feel good. Four short days from now will be the anniversary of the end of my marriage, of when she told me she no longer wanted to be married to me. When she told me, "I guess I don't love you enough", meaning what we had together was not worth fighting for. It is said that you should take a year off to grieve when a loved one dies. While she has not died, at least as far as I know she hasn't, our relationship did. And because I moved back to Texas and don't see her or hear from her it is as if she had died. I have no idea where I will be or what I will be doing a year from now just as one year ago today I had no clue I would not be with her. I do love you Tam and I will miss you forever but now, over the next month as each anniversary of the events of last year come to pass, I will put you behind me, never to be forgotten but no longer in my present. I have kept you there because I wanted to. Now it is time. I cannot afford a divorce as I have my money tied up in saving for Ryan's counseling. And you said you would pay for it, so it is time. It is obvious you made your choice and have not looked back. If you ever do change your mind you know how to find me. It is sad that you never will get to meet my son. There is so much unfinished business you and I had but it is what it is. I kept my promise to you even though you didn't ask for it because I could not let my time with you count for nothing. I had to find some meaning in knowing you. The pain was too great to just let it go without having meaning. I wanted to be able to look back on our time together and the way that time ended and take something good from it. I have done that. I am a better father, friend, co-worker, human being for it. My only regret is that I could not have embarked on this journey just a bit sooner so that we could have done it together. I hope all goes well for you and you have found what you want out of life. Sometimes yo make the right decision, and sometimes you make the decision right. I have chosen to make the decision to marry you a right one by growing from it.

No comments: