The Grillmaster is back.....and so are the memories...

Yesterday I purchased the parts needed to repair my gas grill. I had not used it in over a year and a half, since I had moved to South Dakota. I cooked some pork ribs yesterday, while today I did hamburgers, boudain sausage, and chicken. As usual, it all came out really good. But with all of this the memories have returned also. One of the things Tam loved so much was my grilling. And I loved doing it for her. Hearing her tell me how much she loved my chicken or pork ribs was something that me feel, well feel as if I was someone special. Mom and Dad tell me how good it is, but it is just not the same thing. It will be a very long time before I am really over her.

---

I sent an email to Dawn today. I told her I had sent a letter and that I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that she had not responded because she did not get my letter. I know she may resist this but she cannot keep me away from Ryan forever. I am not going away this time. I want to be a part of his life and he part of mine and I will not give up. I hope she will come around and work with me as I am trying to work with her to make this as smooth as possible.

---

Didn't make it in to work today, or to the grocery store either. Changed the oil in the Kia and Mirage for Dad, plus changed the transmission fluid in the Mirage also. Took a couple of hours and alot of sweat. But the job is done. Because my life is not what it was going to be, I have come up with what I hope will be a weekly thing. I want to go to church on Sunday's with Jess, then we will come over to Mom and Dad's and I will do some chores (mow, change oil, etc.) and then grill for the afternoon. I want to grill enough for both them and us to take home. All the good stuff, sausage, chicken, pork steaks and some vegetables. Mom and Dad love Jess so much and it will mean alot to them to see her when they can. She is getting older and will be doing so many other things (work, friends, school activities) that her time to see them will be getting shorter and shorter. I think a few hours each Sunday will not be too much to ask of her. When she gets a job she will just have to make it clear that she cannot work on Sundays before the evening time. I think I may have that changed to not work on Sunday's period. I feel she will want to become quite involved with her church and Sunday's and Wednesday's will be dedicated to church activities. That leaves plenty of time for work. I really don't think it will be in her best interest to work more than 15 hours a week anyways. She needs to concentrate on school. I have made it clear that the grades have to be maintained (b's) if she wants to have a job. She is learning about sacrifice and choices. To work means to have less time with her friends. I can't wait for her to come home.

Oh Yeah?

"Breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. you have to rock it several times before it goes over."--Seinfeld telling Elaine she will backslide with Puddy Buncha B.S., at least when it comes to me. They never backslide, they up and run off, never looking back! :)

This is my mom. 

Mothers are people too.....

Today I was a Walmart with mom and dad. Dad came up to me and asked if I had seen Mom. I told him, "no, I thought she was over in the grocery section". I happpened to be near the shoes section of walmart and I don't know why but I thought she might be there trying on shoes. I had never thought about Mom being someone with feelings, wants, desires. To me she had always been "Mom". I had a sudden overwhelming feeling of love for her, of course I had always loved my mom, but it was just much more intense than I can remember it having been. All I could picture at that moment was my Mom trying on a pair of shoes because she wanted some. I know because a few months ago she did just that, tried on some shoes at Walmart. That vision just swept over me today and I just loved my Mom a little more. She may not be perfect, but she is MY mom and I am proud she is.

This is my new keyboard. it is just like the one i had purchased when i was in rc cept this one is usb powered. it is ok, but it does take some getting used to because the backspace key is so small. fry's had it on sale for $13, regular $20. 

In a previous post I had stated that I was not going to use photobucket after all because of bloggers new tool "hello". well, I have rethought that intention and have decided there is room for both in my life. I will use hello to upload photos with captions as usual, but I am going to to link to the album in photobucket that will contain the remaining photos of whatever the subjuct is, i.e. I will post a pic of my daughter with hello and then link to the remaining photos of the trip. it will be so cool. 

This is a blog I have been reading by a female soldier in Iraq. Quite interesting to read. 

Will they ever get it?

My parents. Once again they have managed to hurt me. I just don't get it. One, how come at my age I still let things hurt me, and two, why they can't see how they do it. When I left South Dakota, I asked if I could come and stay with them. I figured I would be there 2, maybe 3 months at the most. But as time has gone on and I have chosen to stay there so that I may pay off bills and truly start life over again I have come to realize that I am second class to them. Dad turned the back bedroom into a den and he was not willing to give that up when I came home. I understand that. Their house is small and they do like to collect stuff and keep it handy. And I have tried hard to minimize my presence and impact there. But a few months ago I was told that he would do that if Jessica came back while I was still living there. It has made me ask the question, "Why do they love her more than me?". I am their son, I am closer blood than even she is, yet they will do things for her that they will not do for their own son? I am not jealous of this, I merely want to know why I am less of a human than Jess is? I have accepted these things, but that does not mean I understand them. And I know first hand that this not how it is with all grandparent/grandchild relationships. They have placed her on such a high pedestal that it clouds their ability for clear thinking. Somehow they expect and believe that she will always be 5 or 6 years old and that is just not the case.

Well, I have the feeling Joan's interest in me is low to non-existent, and maybe that is for the best. I sent her an email telling her I enjoyed our chat and I hoped we could do it again or maybe I could call her. She responded with a short message saying she too enjoyed it and that she would contact me next week. Now maybe that means just what it says, one never can tell with women. But having met her I have come to the conclusion that I need to stay away from any kind of involved relationship. I would like a "girlfriend", someone to hang out with, do things with, and if we so chose, to be intimate with. But give my heart to? I think that is something way, way down the road. I want to get deeply involved in my kids lives and when you combine that with work and my own hobbies, the time left to spend with someone else is minimal at best. So it will take just the right person for me to involve myself deeply with them. Add to that the fact my heart still bleeds, and I think it is plain that anything more than a casual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is to be avoided right now.

Ok, I am trying out bloggers new "Hello" im program for uploading and storing photos. I have to say I am impressed so far. I feel bad for Alex Welch, of photobucket fame, because I just found his site and was uploading photos to it when this came out. But after careful consideration I think I will go with this. He means well, but what if something happens to him? Will his family continue his site? I feel that with blogger being owned by Google, they will be around for at least the remainder of my life. I will continue to support photobucket with donations from time to time and even upload photos there, but since I have only a few there and am not deeply tied to it, I will use this as my main source of photoblogging.
posted by pauliemac

This is my favorite photo from my day in downtonw Dallas. Let me know what you think?
posted by pauliemac

Being strong....

I was having a conversation with God the other day (ok, I was praying for some guidence) when I said something to him, and I was answered. I stated that I would like someone in my life that is strong enough to stand beside me when it comes to raising my daughter, because it takes a strong person to deal with my girl. That is just the way it is. To be with me is to be strong. And it suddenly occured to me how can I ask for a stong person to be part of my life if I can't be strong enough to face my son's mother and be in his life? So I decided right then and there that I would contact her and become part of his life. Today I fulfilled the first step in that process by mailing a letter to Dawn saying just that. I am no longer afraid of her or anyone else for that matter. I want to see my son grow up and be part of his life. I have no ill feelings towards her, I just want to co-operate with her in doing this in a positive way. We shall see, but it is time for me to grow up.

Met up with Joan this afternoon. She is sweet and because her son has a learning disability she understands what it means to have a child that needs extra special attention. Not saying this will turn into anything or not, but I look forward to seeing her again and she said as much too. She is aware that I am still legally married (I assume she will file someday?) and she is ok with that. She is quite busy with her son but said she basically has 24 hours every other weekend to do something. I can live with that. Not much went on this weekend besides that. I got on the roof yesterday and trimmed limbs. Alot of limbs. Going to get the chipper/shredder going and make some mulch for Dad. That's about it for now.

My new sandals.

Looking through the Sunday sale ad's I saw Mervyn's had sandals on sale. I have been wanting a pair of men's sandals for some time now. I have this vision of coming home after work, taking a shower, and putting on some comfortable clothes (shirt, jean shorts) and sandals, just as I do now, except then leaving to go eat dinner. What I have been doing is picking up dinner, bringing it home, then showering before I eat. But I just feel I need to be as scarce as I can be around here, plus I am still working on reinventing myself, it will never end. And one of those things is not being a hermit locked inside. How can I ever expect to make friends if I never get out? I won't that what. And with most of my tv shows having ended for the season, I want to read my book (middle of the Left Behind series). I watch Seinfeld, it is my favorite show and I just feel that while I still have some kind of youth I want to experience a different way of living. I need to, not just for me, but for my daughter and son also. That's right. I was talking with God the other day and I was saying to him again how I wanted someone that would be strong, be able to stand by me because it takes strong people to deal with my daughter. And then it occurred to me, How can I expect someone to be strong with me for my daughter when I can't be strong with my ex for my son's sake. So I am going to send a letter stating I want to see my son. I am willing to work with her as to a proper re-introduction, but no longer will I be afraid of anyone, anywhere, anytime. I have to say God does answer prayers, just not always how we expect Him to. But he does.

Here is a photo of naturally growing onions from the front yard. I just think it makes for some good color.

This is a photo of my Uncle Tony & Aunt Earlene (my mothers sister and brother-in-law). I don't know why but the pic looks much better when I view the file on my puter than this one (on my host site). I am going to try to figure this out.

I haven't posted in almost a week so I figured I would throw down some words here. I have a quick date with someone Monday afternoon. I have given up on the past ever becoming the present again and am moving forward. I don't know where I am going, but I am going to continue in the direction I am headed. Things are in a rut at this point, but who knows what will happen tomorrow? anyway, I am feeling pretty good and am hopeful for what may come. I have nearly finished book 5 of the "Left Behind" series. I am going attempt to finish it by Monday so that I can check out the next one.

This is how I look at my life now...

"I'll never forget that part of my life. I'm comfortable here, but, when you have something good in the past, you never forget it.'"--Alfonso Soriano/former yankee, current ranger

Not much going on today. Mowed, shopped, cooked dinner. Dad turned on the a/c because it was really hot and humid. feels so good in here right now. the really nice guy that created photobucket send me a return email today taking his time to explain bandwidth to me as it pertains to linking pics. i now understand, every time i click on my own blog, i am using bandwidth from his site as that is where my pics are hosted. so i will quit reading my blog as if i was someone else. i wrote it. but i did make a donation to his site as he is providing something i am willing to pay for. i sent him $10, but i think i will send him something between $2 and $5 a month for his service. I don't have a lot of money but for what he is doing for me i surely can spare a few bucks to help him. if i have my way, i will be linked to his site for the rest of my life as that is where i will keep my digital phots online. it is so cool!

My girl is growing up....

The look of an annoyed teen!

Jess was becoming annoyed with me because I was taking so many pics of her! But I didn't care, I had not seen her in 7 months and it is going to be 6-8 weeks before I can afford to return so I wanted to get as many as I could.

This photo was shot at a park/boat launch along the Black River in Pocahontas, Ar. Jess and I were just out and about spending some quality time between father and daughter.

Faith

"Begin each day asking: What can I do today to make my life better?" I just finished watching "Joan of Arcadia". Very interesting topic tonight. It was about faith. God told Joan that faith is "believing in something even when it makes no sense". The example was Joan talking to God, who would believe it? But Joan knows it to be true. This is me, filled with positive faith that things will work out. This comes from what I have learned from Dr. Phil, and others during this mental and spiritual journey I have been on. "Sometimes you make the right decision, and sometimes you have to make the decision right". This is how I approach each decision and/or the consequence of that decision. No matter how things turn out, I will make it right. I have faith in God and myself, in that order. Another part of the show and this has to do with faith was Joan went to have sex with her boyfriend, but in the end did not. to shorten the conversation, the father asked," so we just have to have faith that we raised her right, that she will make good decisions. This is what I want with my daughter. I did not do a good job teaching her, but I have learned. I will do a much better job when she returns home. I just did not "get it". But things do change, people do change and for the better, even though there are those in this world that lack the faith to believe that.

"Begin each day asking: What can I do today to make my life better?"

What a trip we had. Everything went smooth. The weather was perfect, the car ran great and we had so much fun with Jessica.

This is me!!

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks"

"Begin each day asking: What can I do today to make my life better?" the previous post with the picture was a test to see if i could post with html coding and linked pics from my host site. it worked and i finally am achieving what i wanted: a way to post pics of my travels along with the words to describe what I had done. I may or may not go back in time and add photos to old posts. mostly not because those would be of a past time when others were in my life that no longer are. again, things are just getting better and better!

"Begin each day asking: What can I do today to make my life better?"

check out this flower

what a weekend!

"Begin each day asking: What can I do today to make my life better?" Went to arkansas to see my daughter, Jessica. It was so good to see her, it has been 7 months. She well be coming home soon and I cannot wait. I promised her a big homecoming party! She is doing so well, and we all had such a good time with her (grandma & grandpa were there also). I am working to go again in late june or early july. I am going to try to fly most of the way and rent a car for the remainder. I am up for a new position at work and I am cautiously optimistic that I will get it. actually, I have it just as soon as the powers that be find my replacement. I will be moving up to a management position that will result in quite a bit more money, along with some longer hours, but this is my destiny. I will not work the long long hours I used to have, but it also will not be near as much responsibilities as I had in the past. things are coming together so well it is almost scary. Even more is just a week ago I was praying to the Lord to give me some direction in my life and my prayer was answered. this position came up and i take it as my direction. there are no guarantees in life, but i am excited about what is goin on right now.

USATODAY.com - Hollywood riled up over ClearPlay

USATODAY.com - Hollywood riled up over ClearPlay: "Some still see that as a moral judgment being imposed on a creative vision." This is totally rediculous. the studios are angry because a company developed a process to eliminate offensive violence and language. no moral judgement is being passed because you don't have buy the player and if you do you don't have to turn on the filters. they are so stupid to think that us consumers can't think for ourselves.

CathiefromCanada

CathiefromCanada I have been following many blogs lately but this one is getting my debate juices flowing. she is more concerned with american politics more than her own but it is really interesting to get a point of view from someone that isn't a "homer"

Pound says Comaneci's 10s were inflated: "Under Australian law, non-Australians are not permitted to work in the country as security guards or police." Hey, the aussies need to grow up and let others work as security guards. I may want to live there someday and will need a job of some sort! HaHa

New York Post Online Edition: living

"Once a couple has calmed down enough to talk instead of fight, there is challenge. 'They need to really admit who they are, not who the other person is,' Jacobs says." (just what Dr. Phil said in his book also)

New York Post Online Edition: living

.... "divorce is fairly simple. It's marriage that's hard, and few couples have the skills to make it thrive."--Dr. John W. Jacobs

"Begin each day asking: What can I do today to make my life better?" I will not let mother get to me. She is probably the most verbally abusive, childish adult I have ever known, (well sister is more childish, but she is not verbally abusive, to me at least). I will keep things bottled up and then release them here. But I am very seriously considering not going next weekend to see jess. it will hurt her but I feel it would be better to go ahead and get out this week. change of plans but that is what life is about, adapting to whatever comes your way. she gets so difficult to be around when she gets tired, but because she is stubborn and feels no remorse at what she puts others through with her loud cussing and screaming, she just keeps going on. It is a good thing I love my parents so much because there are times I really don't like them very much. You know, I had gone all week keeping to myself. I open up today and interract with them and this is what happens. I have learned my lesson, keep to myself and don't speak to them and I will be fine. This is a very big reason I purchased the headphones, so that I can tune everyone out and be in my own little world.

"Begin each day asking: What can I do today to make my life better?" I have to admit to something. I am hooked on blogs! I mean, I have found them to be like soap operas! Well, duh, my own is like that but that is exactly why I am so hooked on them! I find other blogs that are written as mine is, a journal about daily life and it is so comforting to read about others that are going through the ups and downs of life. And I sometimes learn things from others that I am able to use in my own life. I don't follow each one I find, but I do find some that are just so entertaining and/or interesting that I have to bookmark it and keep up with that persons life.

"Begin each day asking: What can I do today to make my life better?" Bought some headphones today. Actually bought 2 sets. while doing my weekly shopping at walmart i purchased a pair of ear "buds" because i felt they would be more comfortable than the headphones that had come with my cd player. but because the line is so short on both pairs, i went to fry's to get and extension line. after looking at the actual headphones i decided to purchase a pair of them and save the buds for when i go walking. the headphones will work with the portable player and with my computer. it is sad, it is an absolutely perfect day outside and here i am blogging and watching my beloved spurs play the lakers. but i am enjoying the day and i need a day to just rest as i am working tomorrow to make up for being off next saturday to go see jessica. speaking of the beautiful weather, only in texas would you have to wear a coat in may one day and can sunbathe the next day. go figure.

"Begin each day asking: What can I do today to make my life better?" Can you believe this? Having to wear jackets or sweaters in Texas in May?? Now I know anything is possible. I never would have believed it if I had not been here to experience it myself!

"Begin each day asking: What can I do today to make my life better?" Work was pretty good today. Smooth, not too much drama, and no headaches. Just the way I like it. I talked to Bruce (my boss) and told him I wanted something. I want to become an Assistant manager. Well, really my goal is to be a manager but that is down the road. I am looked up to by my peers as someone in an authority position already. My new manager, Donnie, talks to me about different things in running the shop and I feel I have so much more to offer than what I am doing right now. We shall see, but it is the next step in my growth. Never before have I had the confidence to undertake such tasks. But all of that has changed. I was talking to a guy today, he is training to be a service advisor. He was a salesman for new cars for 12 years. He mentioned how he made $79,000 last year. While that is a commission job, he knows he can sell cars. he knows he can do the job. See, I have never had enough confidence in myself to put myself in a job position where I did not know what I was going to be making. But after talking to him combined with my chat with Jeremy a few months ago I have come to realize it is all about confidence. Jeremy is 24 years old and when he was 22 or so he made $40.000 selling electronics for Fry's. He told me he KNOWS he can sell. It is all about confidence. after my journey of the last 6 months along with talking to people like Jeremy and Keith, I have come to the decision that if I cannot get what I want from here I will go somewheres and be an advisor. I don't want to work the long hours but I will because I have enough skill and knowledge to make that kind of money. And because I know I can do it, I won't be stressed about worrying about my job like I used to be. This all started by going to rc and DOING IT. found a job and was making it until "it" happened. but you know what? that has turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me. I am such a different person now. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you put your mind to it!! My life may have taken a sudden turn, but sometimes they turn out to be the best turns you can take.