My parents. Once again they have managed to hurt me. I just don't get it. One, how come at my age I still let things hurt me, and two, why they can't see how they do it. When I left South Dakota, I asked if I could come and stay with them. I figured I would be there 2, maybe 3 months at the most. But as time has gone on and I have chosen to stay there so that I may pay off bills and truly start life over again I have come to realize that I am second class to them. Dad turned the back bedroom into a den and he was not willing to give that up when I came home. I understand that. Their house is small and they do like to collect stuff and keep it handy. And I have tried hard to minimize my presence and impact there. But a few months ago I was told that he would do that if Jessica came back while I was still living there. It has made me ask the question, "Why do they love her more than me?". I am their son, I am closer blood than even she is, yet they will do things for her that they will not do for their own son? I am not jealous of this, I merely want to know why I am less of a human than Jess is? I have accepted these things, but that does not mean I understand them. And I know first hand that this not how it is with all grandparent/grandchild relationships. They have placed her on such a high pedestal that it clouds their ability for clear thinking. Somehow they expect and believe that she will always be 5 or 6 years old and that is just not the case.
Well, I have the feeling Joan's interest in me is low to non-existent, and maybe that is for the best. I sent her an email telling her I enjoyed our chat and I hoped we could do it again or maybe I could call her. She responded with a short message saying she too enjoyed it and that she would contact me next week. Now maybe that means just what it says, one never can tell with women. But having met her I have come to the conclusion that I need to stay away from any kind of involved relationship. I would like a "girlfriend", someone to hang out with, do things with, and if we so chose, to be intimate with. But give my heart to? I think that is something way, way down the road. I want to get deeply involved in my kids lives and when you combine that with work and my own hobbies, the time left to spend with someone else is minimal at best. So it will take just the right person for me to involve myself deeply with them. Add to that the fact my heart still bleeds, and I think it is plain that anything more than a casual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is to be avoided right now.