Getting close...

To emailing Tammi and asking her why she has not filed for divorce by now. Why she has not sent me my storage key as she said she would. I will always love her, will always wish things could have been different. But they are what they are and I am tired of thinking of her, of wishing for a different ending. As Dr. Phil would say, I need to get real. She isn't going to contact me, she is not going to reconcile. Today I implemented my 2005 budget using the formula and spreadsheet I developed about 6 months ago. What I saw from that was a very encouraging outlook. I don't know why I never figured this out before but I have now and it works. Supporting my daughter and myself, paying my child support, which includes and additional $125 a month for some arrearage for when I moved to and from South Dakota I am still going to be alright financially. Now mind you that is still a fragile thing as it depends on how the car holds out, whether I can keep Jess healthy and alot of other things. But I only deal with what I know and can control and will cross bridges as they come. Which leads me back to Tam. I almost sent her the email today. I know within a week or two I will send it. If there are those out there that do know her and read this as "Kiki" alluded to, tell her it is time her or her "boyfriend" pay for a divorce. She said she would, now it is time to step up and do it. What kind of man allows his girlfriend to remain married when he could pay for the divorce. Yes, she was married when we got together, but after a few months of being together, when we had decided we wanted to be together I encouraged her to file for divorce from Alton. Almost 9 months ago I had my last contact with her and she stated she wanted me to move on, that she no longer wanted what we had. Well, I am ready to move on with my life. I have 4-5 years to finish getting Jess to adulthood and that is my focus. As much as my testosterone wants me to press flesh with a female, my mind knows that is not really a wise thing to do. I have never been one that really likes one night stands, I prefer to love the woman I make love to and I am just not inclined to trust someone with my heart right now. My problem is I have been disappointed, rightly or not, by those around me. That includes parents, siblings, children, co-workers, girlfriends, wives and just about everyone in society. I have had to learn to accept that the way I choose to do things is not for everyone. I just want to put this behind me, move on with my life. I have rebuilt my life once again, only this time I have finally learned a few lessons and but some critical thinking into what I want and where I want to be in 5, 10, and 20 years. Tam could not or would not stand up to her daughter, my daughter and just about everyone else around her. I thought she would gain strength from me and grow strong. I was wrong. Now she needs to be strong, file for divorce and move on with her life. I don't know if she understands that while we are married if one of us was to die, the other one inherits bills, debt, and personal belongings. She has family heirlooms that by law would be mine, not her daughters, just as mine would belong to her and not Jessica. I don't want her to have any of my debt and I don't want any of hers. I want my grandmother's furniture to go to my daughter. I don't mean this in a bitter or hurtful way, just merely stating facts. If she has indeed moved on, with or without someone else, then make if final and official. I have hurt so much and wanted so bad to hear her say she wants to try again, but lately, I think because enough time has passed that the fog of pain has lifted, been thinking about all the reasons to not be with her. I love her, always will, but I now wonder if I really want to be with someone that is weak. I mean if she can't stand beside me, as I told her so long ago that is what we do, not in front or behind, but side by side and make an issue important to her because it is important to me, then I really don't think she is for me. I have done all I can do up to this point to better myself. Sometimes you make the right decision and sometimes you make the decision right. I did not want my time with her to be a wrong decision so I took it upon myself to learn why this keeps happening to me. I am older, wiser, stronger. I want to be free. Because you can say all you want this is the path you want to go (meaning no women in my life right now) but really, how much control over our lives do we really have? Not much I believe. You do what you know and when you know better you do better. I am doing better because I know better. So who knows when I might meet someone. I absolutely will not do the internet personals thing again. If I am ever to meet someone again, it will be the old fashioned way. Fate.