I sent an email to Dawn today. I told her I had sent a letter and that I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that she had not responded because she did not get my letter. I know she may resist this but she cannot keep me away from Ryan forever. I am not going away this time. I want to be a part of his life and he part of mine and I will not give up. I hope she will come around and work with me as I am trying to work with her to make this as smooth as possible.
Didn't make it in to work today, or to the grocery store either. Changed the oil in the Kia and Mirage for Dad, plus changed the transmission fluid in the Mirage also. Took a couple of hours and alot of sweat. But the job is done. Because my life is not what it was going to be, I have come up with what I hope will be a weekly thing. I want to go to church on Sunday's with Jess, then we will come over to Mom and Dad's and I will do some chores (mow, change oil, etc.) and then grill for the afternoon. I want to grill enough for both them and us to take home. All the good stuff, sausage, chicken, pork steaks and some vegetables. Mom and Dad love Jess so much and it will mean alot to them to see her when they can. She is getting older and will be doing so many other things (work, friends, school activities) that her time to see them will be getting shorter and shorter. I think a few hours each Sunday will not be too much to ask of her. When she gets a job she will just have to make it clear that she cannot work on Sundays before the evening time. I think I may have that changed to not work on Sunday's period. I feel she will want to become quite involved with her church and Sunday's and Wednesday's will be dedicated to church activities. That leaves plenty of time for work. I really don't think it will be in her best interest to work more than 15 hours a week anyways. She needs to concentrate on school. I have made it clear that the grades have to be maintained (b's) if she wants to have a job. She is learning about sacrifice and choices. To work means to have less time with her friends. I can't wait for her to come home.
My parents. Once again they have managed to hurt me. I just don't get it. One, how come at my age I still let things hurt me, and two, why they can't see how they do it. When I left South Dakota, I asked if I could come and stay with them. I figured I would be there 2, maybe 3 months at the most. But as time has gone on and I have chosen to stay there so that I may pay off bills and truly start life over again I have come to realize that I am second class to them. Dad turned the back bedroom into a den and he was not willing to give that up when I came home. I understand that. Their house is small and they do like to collect stuff and keep it handy. And I have tried hard to minimize my presence and impact there. But a few months ago I was told that he would do that if Jessica came back while I was still living there. It has made me ask the question, "Why do they love her more than me?". I am their son, I am closer blood than even she is, yet they will do things for her that they will not do for their own son? I am not jealous of this, I merely want to know why I am less of a human than Jess is? I have accepted these things, but that does not mean I understand them. And I know first hand that this not how it is with all grandparent/grandchild relationships. They have placed her on such a high pedestal that it clouds their ability for clear thinking. Somehow they expect and believe that she will always be 5 or 6 years old and that is just not the case.
Well, I have the feeling Joan's interest in me is low to non-existent, and maybe that is for the best. I sent her an email telling her I enjoyed our chat and I hoped we could do it again or maybe I could call her. She responded with a short message saying she too enjoyed it and that she would contact me next week. Now maybe that means just what it says, one never can tell with women. But having met her I have come to the conclusion that I need to stay away from any kind of involved relationship. I would like a "girlfriend", someone to hang out with, do things with, and if we so chose, to be intimate with. But give my heart to? I think that is something way, way down the road. I want to get deeply involved in my kids lives and when you combine that with work and my own hobbies, the time left to spend with someone else is minimal at best. So it will take just the right person for me to involve myself deeply with them. Add to that the fact my heart still bleeds, and I think it is plain that anything more than a casual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is to be avoided right now.
posted by pauliemac
|My new sandals.|
|This is a photo of my Uncle Tony & Aunt Earlene (my mothers sister and brother-in-law). I don't know why but the pic looks much better when I view the file on my puter than this one (on my host site). I am going to try to figure this out.|
|The look of an annoyed teen!|