"The good you do does you no good"
"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." That is a quote I heard on tv tonight. And it fits so well to what has happened in my life. I did good as a husband and tried to do good as a stepfather, but it did me no good. Also heard about the battered child syndrome and along with that goes the battered wife syndrome. That is what cost me my marriage. After a childhood and then a 13 marriage where there was nothing but anger and putdowns, she could only want to not have confrontation. So when the time came to either confront me and work out her feelings or confront her daughter and work out the issues that were bothering me, she could not do it. All I needed to hear from her was that she was handling it and then I could have backed off. But with her ex-husband always putting her down, she just could not come to me and tell me that, and in turn it made me feel like she was not doing anything about it and I felt in the middle. This was such a waste. I hope with time she will come to realize these things and even if it never makes a difference in our relationship it will help her in the years to come in her life. All I wanted was for her daughter to learn the value of appreciation so that as she went through her life she would value when others do for her. All I wanted from my wife was for her not to say everything was ok whenever I asked her if everything was, when I asked her if she was getting what she needed if that was not the truth. To tell me what she thought I wanted to hear was not what I wanted, I wanted to hear the truth, because only then could I take steps to change how I reacted to what was bothering her. I am working towards moving forward, because to dwell in the past on things that I cannot control or go back and change will only cause more grief. I do miss her and will for the rest of my life, but I have always said be happy with what you have, and don't worry about what you don't have. Well, I have my parents and my uncle and I will be happy with their company. I don't have her or my daughter and I just have to push that out of my head and not worry about them as best as I can. They both will have to find their own path in life and only they can look within themselves to find the will to change. I have been doing that for 7 years now and I will continue to do that, I want to be a better person. But that is something that we can only do for ourselves and cannot do for others. If I had the chance would I have done things differently? Of course. I would have asked her what she was doing about the situation and once she told me she was handling it her way, I would have backed off. But I did not ask the question so I did not get the answer, and therefore I lost my marriage. Communication is a two way street, and while I feel she could have given the answer without me asking the question, it would have been much better to ask the question so that we were clear. I failed her as much as she failed me and now we both have to pay a price. No matter what she ever tells me or feels now, she loved me deeply, more deeply than she probably had ever loved before and I will choose to always believe that it will always be inside her, just locked away where she does not have to face the truth. It is always easier to justify something by locking feelings away and making yourself believe something else. but to have experienced what we did and how we did, and how recent we did before she ended this, it is inside of her.