Going crazy...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." just had to post my feelings so i don't go too crazy. as the days pass, i am realizing more and more just how much i love tam. that may not make any difference to her, but if i am ever to get past this time and recover and heal from it, it is important that i admit my feelings to myself so i dont try to do things before the time is right. i am very deeply in love with her, and while i will never be able to comprehend how she could drop me the way she did, and will always wonder the truth about what her went on inside her head and heart, i am i no position to concern myself with anything except getting a job and getting my life on track. until we had moved to rc, i had never really had a plan for my life. but i had a plan, i could see where i wanted us to be in 5, 10, 15 years. even though those plans no longer seem to be in my future, i am not losing sight of the fact of having plans. now, my whole purpose in life is to get myself in a position to move to wherever it will be when i "semi-retire" at age 55. i do hope to return to rc, but if not there, it will be somewhere similiar. small city up north, close to some mountains. if this is the end of this relationship, then someday, a long ways away, if i meet someone, for it to be a relationship, she will have to want this too, because i can see the rest of my life now, and this is what i want for my life. i do not want to waver from this, it is what i want, and i no longer have time to mess around. i really dont even want to talk about "finding another", i found the perfect one for me, and since she is not with me anymore, i think being alone is a better deal. nothing will ever top being with her, so why try? it would not be fair to someone else, all i would do is compare them to her. she was/is the best for me, so i think it is better to just stay alone and focus on myself. i miss her so much. i hope she is happy, it just hurts that i was replaced so quickly. dropped and replaced. that hurts. maybe he makes her laugh the way i used to, but i just dont think anyone will ever take care of her quite the way i did, and i did it willingly. i hope she is happy. i will be happy with my memories of her, and my dreams of her and will continue to pray for her.

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