Just another day...

Not much to report in Pauliemac' World today. S left work sick today so I had to cover for her as well as do my job. There are those of us at work that feel a change is going to be made soon, either by management or by those that are the subject of these meetings. K and I are stretched so thin with so much to do. I can use extra money by working alot of overtime but I just don't want to work that much. I burned out once before and neglected my daughter, I don't want to do it again. Things are going so well right not I just don't want to disrupt anything. That doesn't mean I can't deal with anything that does come my way, I just don't need to add to any possibilities. Jess talked to her Mother the other night. I told Jess it was ok for her to see her mother when she passes through town, I have never kept her from seeing her unless her mother was in a "bad" way. But I did not want to see her. Later Jess told me her mother told her she didn't care what I said, she was going to stay here (in my apt) and if I didn't like it I could go stay with my parents! Can you believe the nerve! Another person trying to tell me what I can and can't do in my own home. That is another reason I feel it is in my best interest to stay out of relationships. I don't know why my actions always backfire on me but they do. One cliche you could call it is risk management, whereby I reduce or limit the amount of risk to my well being. If Jess's mother wants to be in her life and visit her, that is fine and I encourage it, but not with me involved other than to take her and drop her off for said visits. I am done with trying to please people only to have it blow up in my face. I risk being alone and alienating people from me, and I understand that possiblilty, but I just can longer put my faith and trust in people only to be disappointed once again. I can no longer take a person at their word only for them to show me their word is worthless. Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice shame on me. I do believe God will carry me through this period of my life and someday my faith in other people will be restored, but not at this time. The past 8 years is too fresh, I need some healing time alone before I can trust again. On a lighter note I have found the home theater system I want for Christmas. It is at Circuit City and I can't wait to get it! I have only watched a couple of movies since I returned from South Dakota as it is very uncomfortable in Dad's den and I just don't have the desire to go to a theater anymore. As soon as I get it I will rejoin Netflix. I am also going to build a vast library of DVD's. I don't know what changed in me, but as I used to never cared to watch a movie twice, I have grown to want my own library. If I have 200-300 movies, I can watch a different one each week and not watch the same one twice for 4 or 5 years. Walmart has this bin full of videos they sell for $1 each. Old movies from the 30's, 40's, and 50's. I will just grab 2 or 3 each week and watch them. I can't explain the difference but so much about me has changed. The music I listen to, how I do things and talk to people. It is as if I am a different person in many ways. And yet, there are some things that are the same. I still fart all the time! Mostly because I eat alot of beans. They are cheap and filling! Ok, time for bed, will update tomorrow if there is anything worth updating about.

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