"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" One of the exercises in Dr. Phil's book instructs me to write a few paragraphs about who I become when I have finished this journey. Here is what I envision: "WHAT IS TO COME" PAUL NO LONGER STRESSES OVER WHAT "SOMEBODY" MIGHT BE SAYING ABOUT HIM. HE IS AT PEACE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT HE DOES FILL AN IMPORTANT PART AT WORK, AND THAT HE HAS SOMETHING WORTHWHILE TO OFFER THE WORLD. AFTER 20 YEARS OF SEARCHING, HE HAS FINALLY FOUND WHAT HE FEELS IS HIS CALLING. WHETHER HE EVER SUCCEEDS AT EARNING A LIVING DOING IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN, BUT AT THE VERY LEAST HE WILL BE DOING SOMETHING THAT HE ENJOYS AND WILL LEAVE A LASTING LEGACY FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS OF HIS FAMILY. PAUL WAKES UP EACH MORNING WITH THE BELIEF THAT EACH AND EVERY DAY IS TO BE SAVORED AND ENJOYED, THAT EACH PERSON THAT CROSSES HIS PATH DESERVES A SMILE AND A HELLO. WHILE HE DOES HAVE SOME FEELINGS OF LOSS BECAUSE OF CHOICES HE MADE IN HIS PAST,AND THE CONSEQUENCES ENDURED BECAUSE OF THOSE CHOICES, HE DOES NOT LET IT GET HIM DOWN. THERE IS TOO MUCH LIVING TO BE DONE, TO MUCH TO BE SHARED WITH HIS CHILDREN AND HIS FAMILY TO LET WHAT HAS ALREADY GONE PAST CLOUD WHAT IS YET TO COME. HE UNDERSTANDS THAT YOU CANNOT UNDO WHAT IS DONE, BUT YOU CAN LEARN FROM IT AND MOVE FORWARD. HAVING FINALLY FREED HIMSELF FROM ATTEMPTING TO BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE, INSTEAD JUST BEING ALL THAT HE CAN BE, HE HAS A PEACE OF MIND THAT HAD BEEN ELUDING HIM. HE NO LONGER WORRIES TO THE POINT OF PARANOIA THAT EVERY CLOSED DOOR CONVERSATION AT WORK IS ABOUT HIM AND HOW TO GET RID OF HIM OR REPLACE HIM. PAUL KNOWS THAT HE CAN SURVIVE AND THAT HE DOES NOT NEED A CONSTANT PAT ON THE BACK, ALTHOUGH HAVING ONE ONCE IN A WHILE IS NICE. PAUL HAS FINALLY LEARNED THAT HE HAS TO BE A FATHER FIRST AND FRIEND SECOND TO HIS DAUGHTER EVEN THOUGH THAT WILL ELICIT SOME PAINFUL WORDS THROWN HIS WAY FROM HER. HE KNOWS MANY A PARENT HAS HAD THEIR CHILDREN SAY AWFUL THINGS TO THEM AND THAT THEY MUST NOT WAVER IN THEIR DEDICATION TO TEACHING THEIR CHILDREN RIGHT FROM WRONG. PAUL DOES HOPE THAT SOMEDAY THOSE THAT HE WAS HURT BY AND THAT HE HAD HURT WILL MEET HIM HALFWAY TO PUT SOME CLOSESURE TO THE SITUATIONS. HE HOLDS NO GRUDGE TOWARDS THEM, JUST THE OPPOSITE HE THANKS THEM BECAUSE IF NOT FOR WHAT THEY HAD DONE HE WOULD NOT BE WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW. IT TOOK ALOT OF PAIN FOR HIM TO FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS NOT WORKING, NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE THOUGHT IT WAS. SOMETHING HAD TO CHANGE, AND SINCE THE ONLY PERSON HE COULD CHANGE WAS HIMSELF, THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT HE DID. PAUL HAS LOVED AND BEEN LOVED, AND WHILE HE DOES HOPE TO FIND THAT SOMEONE SPECIAL THAT HE CAN FINISH HIS LIFE OUT WITH, HE FINALLY HAS LEARNED THAT HE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE WITH SOMEONE TO FEEL FULFILLED. TO BE WITH SOMEONE JUST FOR THE SAKE OF BEING WITH THEM IS NOT FAIR TO HIM OR TO THE OTHER PERSON. HE IS SURE THAT WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, GOD WILL LEAD HIM TO SOMEONE THAT HE WILL BE HAPPY TO SHARE SOME TIME WITH. IN THE MEANTIME, HE WILL FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT ARE IN FRONT OF HIM RIGHT NOW. This is my goal that I am striving to reach. I do not know if any of it will come true, but it certainly will not if I don't try. I recieved my new court order yesterday and Mr. Price lowered the arrearage even farther than I had anticipated. It has gone from $400/month to $125, although once again there is a note about me providing medical coverage for Ryan. I will call and have them tell payroll NOT to enroll me in the medical plan as I pay for that through my standard child support payment. On a down note, I also received copies of my payment history to the state with the credits for the payment history to the ad litem. This is such a sorry system. I have been behind since day one and did not even know it. I have paid and paid and no one told me just how the system worked or I could have been caught up by now. And Dawn, because she will not give me credit for money paid to her, I have to pay $1700 that I had already paid to her. But you know what, I am not going to be bitter about this. It is what it is, and I have to pay it, so I will just move on. There is way to much to smile and be happy about to just let this get me down. I read this morning about a former N.Y. Giants football player that dropped dead at his house this week. He was only 46, and he played for 11 years so he was a healthy person. You never know when your time is up so make the best of each momen you do have. I am.