"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" Six months today..... It has been six months today since Tam declared she no longer wanted what we had together. I thought it would be a good time to reflect back on just what I have learned and discovered since that fateful day. I don't know how to properly list this so I will just do what works. I have... learned that my love for her was much deeper than I had even thought. discovered that there was a lot about myself that needed improving on. come to believe that I have been shortsighted in my beliefs and actions. learned that I have been holding alot of anger and pain inside for over 20 years because of how I was treated in school by some bullies. finally learned how to overcome those feelings of anger and pain. I no longer let those people from my distant . . past control me. figured out how to put into action what I already new. That a relationship is not only about love and passion, but you must work together to communicate, negotiate, and compromise on situations. I recently completed the book by Dr. Phil, 'Life Strategies', and I will soon start the next book he wrote that deals with relationships and how to save them. It is too late to save mine, but I feel I can still get some useful information for the next time I am in one. I learned a number of very useful things while reading this book, such as: You get what you give No matter how right you think you are, if it is not working, you need to change Be committed, Do what it takes, and you will Have what you want Do not blame what happens to you on anyone but yourself. Every outcome to every situation is because of some decision or choice you made. Sometimes you just cannot pass up the opportunity to shutup. That I deserve and have the right to a happy and healthy life As I have been going over and over the events of the past 10 months I have come to realize many things I could and should have done differently. I still believe I had legitimate gripes about some issues. But by the same token, I don't think they were large enough to end the marriage over and in hindsight, I don't feel they were large enough for me to take issue with in the first place. If I had to do over again, I would discuss the issue, ask what was going to be done about it, and then drop it. The joy I had being with her far outweighed any difference of opinion that we may have had. I think had I expressed my feelings and then just let it go, she would have responded to my feelings better. But because I kept up with my stubborness, she turned against me instead of helping me. I also know that I deserve better than what I got. To just walk away without so much as trying to resolve the issues is a travesty. I worked hard to be a good husband, father, step-father and friend. I did for her unconditionally, becasue I loved her. To be cast aside without any effort at all to resolve the issues, I deserve better, I have a right to better. I have spent the last 6 months hurting so bad because of what she did. I have come to accept the fact that no matter how much I loved her or how much I tried, she could not have loved me if I could be cast aside and replaced so easily. To compare me to Alton, to make the decision for me that I cannot change, that our relationship could not get stronger means that she never truly understood me or what I stand for. That she never really felt my feelings for her. Tammi is a good woman that works hard, but she is weak in soul and spirit. I see now it is so much easier for her to walk away from confrontation than to face it. Unless she learns these lessons, she will do this again. The first time her and her new "mate" have a disagreement, she will just walk away again. She walked away from Alton 7 times before she finally was able to stay away, and yet because she was truly clueless about my commitment to her, she was able to walk away so easily. If that is all it takes for her to quit and be a quitter, then I do deserve better. I don't quit. I may not have made good choices throughout my adult life, but I have lived by those choices and I did not quit. I deserve to be with someone that will support me in everything, that will walk side-by-side with me and stand by me in my times of need, just as I stand by them. I may have had a sarcastic tone when talking about her diet, but I followed her diet, I cooked what she needed in the amounts she needed. I carried her when her leg was hurt, I did everything for her. Not to be a hero, but because it was what a person does for another unconditionaly. Because I loved her. I expected the same out of her when I needed it. I needed her support with my daughter, instead I got a wimp that could not speak up at family counseling. She was part of this so she needed to take an active role in it. Instead she sat there quiet. I don't like confrontation either, but sometimes you have to stand up and be heard. I needed her to stand by me when confronting her daughter. Instead I was sent down the road. No, I deserve better because I am better. The only promise I ever made was to try my best. If that was her best, then it was not good enough. To some this may sound like bitter grapes, but it is not. It is the culmination of 6 months of soul searching and learning. It is one man coming to the realization that the love he had for his wife was something that she would not or could not allow herself to truly believe, for if she had, she would have known that his love for her would allow him to look at himself and improve himself. I am not perfect, I will never be perfect, and I don't want to be perfect. She told me she just could not see it changing, but change it did, only it is I, not her, that changed. I will end this by saying there is so much more for me out there in this world. I have been constructing a 'Life Strategy' for myself so that I can have attainable goals for the remainder of my life. I have reflected on what it is I truly enjoy doing, and it is because of being with Tam that this came about so I am thankful for this. It is sad that I had to lose her for me to truly see just how angry and upset with the world I was. I am no longer angry with anyone, including Tam. Anger just consumes time and resources that I would rather spend being happy with who I am and what I do. I wish her well, I hope she recovers from her illness with good health and that whoever she is with in her life she is happy. I no longer have the need to dwell on her or anything to do with her. I am sure someday I will be back in RC, maybe on a vacation or something and if I see her, I will wish her well, but it is time to close the door on this chapter of my life. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Found out some interesting news today. Bruce, my boss, has been promoted to Service Director over both Nissan and Lincoln/Mercury. Donnie moves up to Service Manager and Kristi becomes the Assistant Manager. I spoke at length with Donnie about my work here and what he wants of me. We tried to add a small duty to my responsibilities, but the Parts Director, Sherri Jonte, nixed it. Kristi, who will still be responsible for warranty claims mentioned she may have me recode the suspended claims to help her out. I responded to both her and Donnie to just let me know what I can do to help. At first this morning, I started to panic, just as I did in the past when there was some kind of change in management, but I stopped and reminded myself there was no reason to panic. I know what I am doing, and if for some reason my services are no longer needed, I will just find something else. I really am proud of the steps I took to control my thoughts and feelings and to just talk with the people I needed to talk to. I am not going anywhere anytime soon. I have found out there are alot of issues in the company and I am not one of them. My ability allows others to just leave me alone and do my thing. I guess this is what I finally had to convince myself of, that being left alone means I am doing a good job. My afternoon has been very pleasant to say the least. I am just so tired because those dogs were yapping since 5 am. Everything is going to be ok and I am going to be ok. I used to look in the mirror and ask "Why Me?" but now when I look in the mirror, I ask "Why not me?". I have broken the rest of my life (if I get to live a normal lifespan, not guaranteed) into 3 parts. The next 12 years are about getting Jessica into adulthood and getting my finances in order. In 12 years I will have finished paying child support on Ryan and will then focus the next 5-6 years on saving every penny I can. At the end of that time frame is when I will 'semi-retire'. I do not look to be rich or even well off, but to be debt free with some working capital so that I won't have to work alot of hours and can spend more time with my grandchildren and working on my hobbies. For whatever reason, I just don't have the desire or need to own a house. I have come to understand myself better and I want to be mobile and in position to move quickly when and where I want. This life is not for everyone, but I think I would enjoy it immensely. I have been giving thought to working seasonly in motorhome campsites and such during the vacation season and finding odd jobs the rest of the year. I don't know yet, I just know I want to be mobile with the ability to go. I want to see places and really get to experience what a place has to offer. We shall see. Of course just as I get ready to do this I might meet a woman and I settle in one place forever! I will keep my options open.