MSN Hotmail - Message

"What would you do if every time you fell in love with someone you had to say good-bye? I would stop falling in love because it hurts too much. I don't want to say goodbye, just see you someday.
What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? Learn to depend on myself.
What would you do if for every moment you were truly happy there would be 10 moments of sadness? I would remember the happiness, let the memories carry me through the sadness.
What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? " Keep their memory alive by telling others through my photos and writings about this person.

MSN Hotmail - Message

"'Don't blame others for your failure to be fully accountable for your own life. If others are to blame then you have given them control.' Bob Perks Speaker and Author"
I agree with this fully.

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" i was watching a program tonight and the husband said to his wife, "am i going to hell?" because of something he had done that day. she replied, "but you don't believe in hell", to which he replied, "i believe in somewhere you are not". that is how i feel about not being with tam. somewhere she is not is a hell for me, it must be, because being with her was heaven. i finally wrote a letter to jess today. i will mail it tomorrow, so she should have it by tuesday, or wednesday at the latest. today was a struggle. but everytime something happened (spilled soda on my shirt, banged my arm on a door) i just repeated to myself, over and over, it is not what happens to you, but rather how you react to what happened. saying it repeatedly allows me to take a moment and think about an appropiate response. it keeps me from putting my foot in my mouth or embarrasing myself. tonight i learned how to make a video cd of photos, with it set to music. It was not very fancy, but it was a start, and it worked!

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" talked with jess the other night. mom and i are going shopping for her this weekend. i have an appointment to view an apartment this coming monday. it is a one bedroom but it may be well suited for me and jess to share. it has washer and dryer connections. and the bathroom has 2 entries so that either one of us would be able to use it without bothering the other. i will give her the bedroom and i will buy a fold up bed ($149) and sleep in the living room. i have already designed a room divider using hollow core doors and hinges. i was going to use the design for myself in an efficiency, but it will work fine in this apartment. they will be enclosing my office at work either saturday or monday. that works well, because saturday's i work from the drive and i am off on monday's. next week the install the a/c - heater ducts, and this weekend i will look for a desk that will fit in my tiny area. it is very ironic this is happening. when i went to work at ben franklin, the thought came to me that i had wished i had that kind of work area (secluded, out of the way) at bankston nissan. well, now i have it. i have a job doing what i know best, and i have an office way out yonder, hidden from most everyone. it really is a strange thing the way things turn out. and you just never know which wishes will come true and which won't. go figure. i hope tam is doing ok. of course i have not heard from her and i don't expect to, but i still love her and hope her treatments are going well. i may not be able to take care of her but i can still pray for her and hope she is getting better.

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" recieved a letter from jess yesterday. also talked to her last night. she seems to be doing ok, but i must work with her on her spelling. lights were installed in my new "office" yesterday. next up is to have a/c - heating duct work installed. maybe today or tomorrow. then the glass wall, which i recieved the quote for yesterday ($900), so i think by the end of next week it will be finished. i can't wait! mother got her new tooth yesterday. it is only a temporary bridge, but it looks so much better. she will get her permanent bridge in a few weeks. i bought me some work shoes monday. bought 2 pairs of reebok solid black athletic shoes from mervyn's. i could not wear the shoes i had brought with me anymore, they were just hurting my feet too much. and i learned a long time ago to (a) you get what you pay for so buy good shoes and (b) do not wear just one pair all the time. the shoes are not identical, i got one pair on clearance for $33 and the other on sale for $40, plus i had a coupon for 10% off if i used my card. now i will be set on work shoes for 6 mos - to a year. and i can wear these away from work also. it has been raining and chilly since monday afternoon. supposed to be this way all week. i have learned i cannot eat chile for dinner anymore. if i get in and nothing has been prepared for dinner, i must either eat a sandwich or make myself go get something. that chile just gets to me too much.

USATODAY.com

What makes relationships last? Dennie Hughes: Here's a start: Love. Honesty. Caring. Respect. Compromise. A willingness to go out of your way to make that other person happy. Never making your significant other feel taken for granted. A daily compliment.... If all this sounds easy to do, then I'm betting your with the right person..."
a question asked of dennie hughes, a relationship "expert" who writes for the usatoday weekend edition. i thought this was what i was doing for/with tam. if i do all the right things and still can't have a successful marriage, whats the use in trying?

Habitats | 100th Street and West End Avenue: A One-Bedroom Bursting With Life and Still Lifes

"it explores his notion that couples need to conceive a mental area that is something between his position and hers. 'When you're sharing in an atmosphere of scarcity,' he said in a peculiarly apt definition of marriage, though he was referring to their home, 'sometimes you may want more than there is, for instance, space for yourself. You have to learn to accommodate the fact that you may be getting less than you want, but it isn't the other person's fault. It's a way of reinterpreting the feeling of not having something."
i read this in an article in the new york times about a family (dad, mom, son) that have lived in a one bedroom, three room apartment for over 15 years (son is 14 now). i just thought it sounded like good advice for a marriage, something to keep in mind when things are not quite going your way with your partner. "

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" just returned from spending the day wandering all over n. texas in the greenville/bonham area looking for cemetary sites of ancestors. had a great time with mom and dad. we made i to bonham, stopped at a cemetery, didnt find any kin but i took a number of photos of interesting headstones, mostly of angels. in bonham we stopped at the "dragon seed" a chinese buffet. they didn't have anything like the baby octopi i ate at super buffet the other day, but it was pretty good, and they had plenty of it! once we had over-filled out stomachs, we headed to an old fort (fort inglish), and while mother sat in the car, dad and i looked about. at dad's request i took photos of the signs on each building that explained where it came from and who was involved in its history. once we had left there, we proceded to a cemetery on the outskirts of bonham where we found the graves of some Titsworth's, although they are not of my direct ancestry. a gentleman that watched over the cemetery was kind enough to drive down and show us just where the headstones were. by the time we finished there, we were all getting tired, so we proceded on a leisurely path south to check out another cemetery. in this one is a man named clave titsworth, who is the man dad is named for (william clave titsworth-my dad). now we all were really beaten down so we headed home. once we reached greenville, i took over the driving until we reached the house. i knew it was going to be a special day because i found 3 pennies, all heads up! i know, just fun stuff, but still, it put me in the right frame of mind to have a good day! haha!
after we had gotten home, i was chatting with mom, dad, and sister about tam when i stated that she does not know what it means to truly be loved by someone, that she had never had someone that truly, unconditionally loved her. and as i said this, i stopped and just thought about it. i realized that is exactly what has happened. when 2 people have total, unconditional love for each other, anything can be overcome, anything can be negotiated and compromised on. but if you do not know what true unconditional love is, then how can you know you have it? just because i felt this from her, and i gave it to her does not mean she felt it back from me! the saying goes you don't miss what you never had and so she never really knew the depths of my feelings for her because she has never had a man truly, unconditionally love her. i know she told me she has moved on with her life and she says i should move on with mine, but what is moving on? why do i have to let go of my hope and my faith and my love? why can't i keep it? only the Lord knows what will happen in our future and we cannot predict what our fate is. i never thought i would talk bethany again, but yet i have. that is just an example of how you just never know what will happen or who will come into your life, or for that matter, who will come back into your life. if i choose to continue to love her, to show her what true, unconditional love is, that is my business and no one else's.
along the way today we passed a small state park located on the shores of a small lake, about the size of center or sylvan lake. it was beautiful. not as pretty as sylvan, but about the same as center lake. the park is located on the northern shore of the lake with a perfect shot of a setting sun to the west. i think i am going to make a trip up there within the next month or so and picnic there, waiting for the picture perfect sunset.
i know we sometimes mean what we say and say what we mean and other times we don't mean what we say and say what we mean, but i meant what i said, i would rather have one more day with her, loving her as we once did, than have 40 more years without her. i should be taking care of her now, sharing whatever time we would have left together. she tells me nothing about her cancer and i am so afraid that no matter how much i love her, there just won't be enough time left for her to finally realize what it means to truly be loved by someone. how can i grow old with her if she is sick and i can't help her? how can i share one more day with her if she keeps me shut out? i love her.

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" came home this evening from work and mom and dad were in a testy mood, so i showered and went to joe pool lake to shoot some photos of the setting sun. spent about an hour there and got some amazing shots of the sun reflecting off the water (will get some posted on the photo link within a few days). as i was walking on the dam i passed an attractive young woman that had a camera around her neck. as i was carrying my camera with my headphones on, she looked at me, smiled and said "hi". of course i didnt know what to say other than hi back, but it made me feel good to be noticed and smiled at. on the side of the roadway, in the grass was a couple that were kissing and necking all the time i was there. later as i was returning to the parking area i stopped to shoot some more photos and they came up the pathway. i had thought they were a young couple, the way they were carrying on, but to my surprise, the were my age! actually it made me feel really good to realize i am not too old for such things. i only wish the one i love had been with me to share an experience like that couple did. life moves on though, and we must move with it. i heard a quote on tv this evening, and while i cannot remember it exactly, i think i can get the message across. it went something like "he who lives on hope alone, starves" or something to that effect. i guess the meaning is it is ok to have hope, but dont let everything you do and live for depend on that hope. i cannot help how i feel, what i desire, what i hope for, but i am moving forward, i am not letting my life be at a standstill just because i do not have her. i just choose to do things alone at this time. i dont mind having a friend to share time with, but in no way do i have any interest at all in romance, or finding a romantic partner. my heart belongs to another even though she no longer wants it. i will get over her and move past her in my own time, my own way. and to make matters worse, she is sick, and i should be there taking care of her. i should be the one to help her, to do for her, it is what i want. you dont stop loving someone because they became sick and you dont stop loving them just because they no longer love you. you just learn to bury your feelings, but it takes time, how much time i don't know. it is something that will just happen, and then maybe it will never happen. whatever my destiny, my fate, nothing will compare to the time we shared. the closeness, the laughter. it was a good day today. i love her.

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" I read an article yesterday that expressed a word for what I have been doing these past months. It is "self-reflection". And it stated that most people do not have the ability to look at themselves in the mirror and admit to themselves just who they are, with honesty. I have been going over the whole time I had been with Tam and I have come to several conclusions, but the biggest one is the reason we are no longer together. She is a wimp. I knew that before, but I always thought she would have enough faith and strength in me to be strong for the both of us. I have been asked do I want to be with someone that is like that? I don't know anymore. I talked with my daughter the other day, and she wants to come back and live with me. and I am not going to stop her. She is at an age where it will be her choice. I remembered back how tam told me she would just lock herself in the room because she could not stand up to jess. and that is what happened. i see it clearly now. it was easier to send me away instead of standing up to laura, or for that matter standing up to me and telling me to back off laura. it pains me so much to know that all we needed to have a long lasting relationship was for her to either stand up to me or her kid, or tell me she can't and let me do it for us. let me be the voice for the both of us. she took the path of least resistance and it leaves me to a lifetime of emptiness. all because she was so damn weak as to not even be able to talk with me. i hope she learns from this too, that she becomes stonger, or she just might meet another alton, instead of another pauliemac.

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" This is why i refuse to ever lose faith: "All things are possible until they are proved impossible - and even the impossible may only be so, as of now."--Pearl S. Buck/1892-1973, Novelist I have never but absolute faith in horoscopes, yet they are fun to read and sometimes inspire faith and hope. Here is the one for cancer for yesterday: Your spirits are high. You might feel you are merely going over the same old material again. But learn from the past and do things right this time. Interesting indeed. I have my orientation meeting today. the one i missed last month. can't miss this one so i will be leaving early today. Talked with my daughter last night. First time in 3 months. I really miss her. I am going to drive up there to see her as soon a I can.

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" fixed the oil leak on the buick today. the valve cover was leaking. went on a hike near joe pool lake. they have built a "preserve" there with a trail that winds up and down the hills. it was incredibly muddy and slick, but i didn't fall down. not much to take pics of though, so i mostly just enjoyed the solitude. i think i will use it as a place to exercise and keep in "hiking condition". i think the rangers did a good thing trading a-rod. maybe someday they will even make the playoffs again. work is moving me from the drive to the shop. i am being stuck in an "office" that is really just a glorified closet. but hey, as long as i have a job and keep working. and now i will not have to wear a tie. but i am kinda sad about that. i really enjoyed wearing the tie, i thought i looked good. oh well, it is how you react that determines the outcome. i will react with a positive attitude. sister went in to work today. they called her in and she went, on 3 hours sleep. she seems to becoming more responsible. bully for her. have not gotten another email from tam. guess i either pissed her off or made her think, or maybe both. we shall see. she sure pissed me off. her bull-headedness is keeping me from being there to take care of her. that is my job. you know, she felt bad lieing to me about being a lesbian. why doesn't she feel bad lieing to me when she said " for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part" ? i mean, if she thinks that "we just want different things" is the truth, she is deluding herself. it is not about what you want, is about who you are with. and i am sorry, but if she could fall out of love with me that easy, then she never ever loved me in the first place and all those "i love you's" were just lies. and you know what, i dont believe that. so that means she did love me, and if she loved me the way i know she did, it didnt just magically go away, she still does. only tam is a bubbette, and she is afraid that i can't be what she wants me to be, a man that can grow and learn. but then if she would just look back over our time together, she would see that i am that kind of man. what you want doesnt matter as long as you want each other. everything else is workable. once again, tam is assuming things, trying to read my mind on things, trying to give me what she thinks i want, when in reality, all she has to do is ask me. and my answer would be: I want you tam. whatever else comes our way, all i want is you. anything and everything else can be worked out, if we communicate, negotiate, and compromise. i know there is a saying out there about never compromising what you believe in, but this is different, and life is all about compromises and choices and decisions. everyday of our lives, we have to do these things. i don't have all the answers, really the opposite, i have almost none of the answers. i just know in my heart me and tam belong together. i would rather have one more day with her and then die, than have 40 more years without her. that is how i feel about her.

Another quote from uncle....watch for my ending....

"Live today to it's fullest, for tomorrow may never come" In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted." Tammi?? I took for granted she would always be there. I took for granted she loved me enough to work anything out. I took for granted she would communicate with me when she was unhappy or upset. We love, we lose, we hurt, we learn, we live, we die, we remember, we forgive, we say goodbye.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." watching a movie with ted dansen and mary steenburgen. he cheated on her, the felt "dead" and yet the are communicating finally about what went wrong and working to make it right. why cant tam be as strong as she made me think she was and work out something that was as right as rain on a sunday morning. grow up tam and realize it isn't the issues, it is how you react to them and communicate about them.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." just read about a guy that finished 3rd at the daytona 500 but has to have his wife drive him around because his license is suspended for drunken driving. it is things like this where the wife doesnt say "honey, because you screwed up, we want different things so we are breaking up". she stands by her man and they work to work it out. i want a strong woman that knows how to stand by me because i stand by her. damn.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." it has been awhile since i have posted here because of all the feelings surrounding tam's emails. she came clean about the lesbian stuff. i knew she wasnt a lesbian, we watched madonna kiss britney and it nearly made her throw up. i do believe she has cancer and once again, it pisses me off that she was so bubba and immature to end our marriage instead of communicating with me and therefore i am not there to take care of her. if she is fucking some dude, well, he will find out about her non-confrontation ways. who knows, maybe she will listen to what i say and use it with the next dude. too bad she can't see the big picture. i know, i didnt communicate very well, but what started out as me trying to communicate ended badly because she didn,t back with me. too bad. she says we are just two people that came to want different things. bullshit. it doesnt matter what you want as long as you want each other. anything else is workable, can be compromised on. what is with her worrying about whether i have "moved on" with my life or not. i am moving on. i can miss her and profess my love for her. does she mean why i haven't gotten a fuck buddy yet? i guess she really never truly loved me or she would know it is not that easy to just forget about someone. it is supposed to be my job to care for her. is she trying to be a "hero", saying i dont want you meaning i want you to be happy and you can't be happy taking care of a cancer patient? bullshit. she might die, i dont know the extent of her cancer, and she wants to take whatever time i have left to be with her away from me? crap, again. we made love 4 days before she did this. you dont fall out of love in 4 days, or 4 months, not when you love the way i love. i have a job, i pay my bills, i am working towards getting out of here and on my own. what part of moving on is not in that? she wants me to forget her? forget all we shared? not done so easy. i am moving on, in my own way and in my own time. if this is what she wants, who am i to try to stop her? can't make someone be with you if they dont want to, no matter their reasons. i only wish someone would reason with her. if she ever grows up and looks at herself in the mirror (something i do everyday), she will know just how childish she was not only this past week, but since october the 8th. i did something the other day, part of my growth. i looked in the mirror and changed another thing about me. i used to tell people about how i try to live. how i dont lie, cheat, or steal. well that is not true. i tell little white lies from time to time. i cheat on my booking at work sometimes, nothing that is wrong, but i don't do it to my usual standards, and i print personal things on the work printer with work paper, which is stealing. so i no longer claim those three things. what i do claim now is i try to live an honorable life. i am not perfect, i do things, i sin. i pray for forgiveness and i try to learn. a quote from Jesus: give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime. i have now started applying that to life. i know how to talk, so i can have a conversation, but i want and am trying to learn to COMMUNICATE, and i will be understood and i will understand. i hope that makes sense. God has a reason for all He has done and all He will do. maybe my reason for knowing tam is she will learn some things from me for her path in life, and i will learn some things from her for my path. but i will always wonder why those paths have to go in different directions, why can't the continue on one path? even if i go on to have a beautiful relationship with another woman, i will still always ask that question. life is short, and i dont want to live it unhappy, but happiness, and unhappiness, comes from within. saying we wanted different things is a cop-out. because if we want each other, then we will want the same things, we will communicate our needs and wants, and negotiate mutually acceptable compromises. she never even told me what she wanted, so how would she know we have different wants? go figure. i love her.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I wasn't strong enough of a person to change the situation I was in and make it right. --Michael Waltrip/NASCAR Driver. Some of us are, some of us are not.

It's over...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." After getting the news last night of Tam's cancer I tried to get in touch with her. Got an email from her this morning and she confirmed. She also confirmed she has a lover she is moving in with and she will file for divorce as soon as she is back to work. But the biggest thing is, she is moving in with her FEMALE lover!!! Now that is something I never ever saw coming, even less than breaking up with me. I guess it makes it easier because now it is as the person I loved has died, that no matter how much I cared for them, that person truly no longer exists. I do hope she finds the happiness and peace she is looking for in life. I will take all that I have learned and discovered over the past 4 months and I will be happy. It is now time to look forward, never look back. I will now cry for a bit and then i will put it all behind me.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." 2.9.04 10:00 am There is a blog I am following titled Our Cheating Culture. Last nights entry in it talked about how the students at Stuyvessant High School in New York City were cheating to get good grades. Now mind you this is not some inner city crime ridden, gang run school. This is the top performing high school in NYC. This is the school that Harvard and Princeton come to to fill a few precious slots and these kids are competing with each other for those spots. The students feel that if they don't cheat, they will get beaten by the ones that do cheat for those few spots that are available. The post talks about the same thing going on in business, that those that don't want to cheat feel that if they don't they will be passed over for advancement and promotions by those that do. After reading all of this, I thought about it as it might apply to what is going on with my wife and myself. I would rather try and fail to win her heart back being honest, than cheat and win her back. What I mean by cheating, is playing games, telling promises just to get her back (as others did to her in her past, which is why I am paying a price now). I personally would rather lose her knowing I was honest than win her telling lies and being deceiptful. I am not stupid nor naive and I am fully aware that my time with her may very well be over, but because of her I am a better, more complete, and much more pleasant person. I have always felt life is very short and should be enjoyed and cherished, and as I move into a new stage of my life, I believe that more than ever. It is ironic (or is it more than coincidence?) that my birthday falls on the 4th of Feb. It was the 4th of the month that we last made love. It is ironic (or again is it?) that I went on my first picnic trip since I left on the 8th of the month, because it was the 8th of the month that she told me she no longer wanted to be married to me. These are dates that will forever be burned in my memory. The one date I would want to be burned in memory now would be the date I see her again, hold her again telling and hearing how we love each other. Will it happen? I certainly don't know. All I do know is to keep my faith, in God, that all will be as it was meant to be and in myself that I can react in a positive way to whatever does happen. If Tam decides, or has decided that a life with me is truly what she does not want in life, then that is what will be. I will take from this experience, move forward and continue to enjoy each and every day. If she someday, somewhere decides that what we shared was a valuable and wonderful thing, I will be ready for her. It is all about how we react, how we communicate, how we conduct ourselves, and the choices we make in relation to all of that is what will determine our ultimate fate in life, and beyond. Talking about honesty and truthfulness, I need to clarify some things in my life, things that I looked at and admitted to. Some time back, I told Tina that if she ever ended it with Tom, her and I should get together. I said that because I was hurting. I need to be honest with myself as well with others. I care alot about Tina, she is the mother of my daughter and she is my friend, my dear friend. But I am not IN LOVE with her. I will always "love" her, but not in a romantic way. The same goes for Bethany, once I loved her, or thought I did at the time. And I care about her, but again, that is because she is my friend. These are two people that I now hold as dear friends (my only friends, truth be known) that I can tell anything to, that I am there to support and be supported by, as friends do for each other. During this journey of self-discovery and growth, I have come to believe that it is very important to admit truths, the real truths about life. Let me tell of an example that happened this past weekend. Sunday morning my sister came home from her new job and stated that she had gotten a ticket in the nissan for an illegal state inspection sticker. Of course Dad got all mad at her. He was trying to blame her for the ticket because she didn't drive in the right lane of the road. The reality of the situation is it is his fault because he put the illegal sticker on his car and allowed us to drive it, knowing if we got stopped we would get a ticket. Because of his stubborness in refusing to beleive it needs a new carbeurator in order to pass a state emissions inspection, he went this route and put us in danger of a fine. Now it could be said the fault also lies with sister because of losing her last job she had no way of purchasing a car. but that is not the issue at the moment (although it does point out how we all have to take responsibility for our actions, as she put herself in a position to need his car). The current issue is he has spent the past several months trying to prove that the car will pass without a new carb, instead of just replacing it. And then he wants to get mad and say he does not have the money to replace it. Well, reorganize the priorities. Don't eat out, don't buy computer stuff. We all make our choices and it was his and mothers choice to do these other things. But don't blame the ticket on sister, when it was his choice to not fix the car like my techs told him it needed more than 2 years ago. Bad things happen when you put yourself in a position to let them happen. Sometimes they still happen, but you can minimize the risk. A rock climber, by definition, puts themselves in harms way, but they minimize risk by not using frayed ropes, by not taking chances using faulty equipment. I am sure there are those that wonder why I write what I write here. I have never been very good at truly expressing what I feel inside, how I hurt, or the joy I feel. I have found that writing here, and letting it out for the world to see, has allowed me to get whats inside, out. This is as much for me being able to express how I feel as it is for others to know how I feel. Keeping things inside has been a major contributor to my relationships failing, both me keeping things inside and the other person as well. If I have to write in a journal to be able to get things out, to be able to look at things and figure out the best way to respond to a situation, to find the answers I seek in my life, then that is what I am going to do. I write what I am feeling at the moment it is written so that I may get it out into the open, and when I have gathered my thoughts, then go back and see how those feelings made me react. Tonight I read an article about the guy formerly known as Vanilla Ice. At the very end of the article he was quoted as saying something I found very prophetic. "We are who we are because of who we were." This is so very true. Now for the bombshell. I was told tonight by a friend that Tam has cancer. Why couldn't she tell me? I should be with my wife, all along I have maintained that, but even more so now. I have gotten in touch with Beth her boss, or I should say her former boss as I found out she quit a couple of weeks ago. I do not get an anwer at the apartment number so I do not know what is going on. I wish she would call me, my wife should have her husband with her.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Mom told me that Tina called this morning not long after I had left for Ft. Boggy. Mom said Tina will find out soon about our ability to call and write Jessica. Mom said Tina would call me back this evening but she has not called as of this time. Maybe she will tomorrow. I think I am going to Eisenhower Park in 2 weeks. It has several miles of hiking trails and is located on Lake Texoma. There are several more parks I have lined up for visiting over the next 2-3 months. They all have lakes and hiking trails with various wildlife and plantlife. And the weather will be warming up with blue skies. I am looking forward to the rest of my life, even if I have to spend it alone.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I just got back from my trip to Ft. Boggy. It did me alot of good to get out and hike around, shoot some pictures. Lots of time to think about things. Ft. Boggy is a pretty neat park. Small lake, smaller than center lake or sylvan lake in south dakota and not near as pretty, but still a nice park. I hiked probably a total of 4 miles. When I got there, I found a picnic table, ate part of my lunch and then set off. I missed the actual trail and instead followed a clearing for an underground pipeline. But near the end of this hike, I found where the trail intersected and finished on it. When I got back to the picnic area, I rested a bit, drank some water and then set out on a different trail, the nature trail. This one finally deadends and you have to backtrack, but it was near the lake. Upon returning once again to my picnic area, I rested again and then set out on the long trail which follows the fence line at the back of the park. Back there it tends to get quite spooky as the trees grow very close to the trail making a tunnel of sorts. It is alot like the small white barked trees we had encountered on our first trip up custer peak. very spooky. On my first hike I came across some "fur" on the ground. Upon further inspection I realized it was the droppings of an animal that had eaten a furry animal. From that point on I kept a close watch for mountain lions and bobcats!! A couple of times I saw tracks that were very large and looked as to have claws marks at the front of the track. Nothing happened, fortunately, which is obvious since I am writing this! By the time I returned after this last hike, I was hurting quite a bit. My new shoes worked out very well. I ate again, watched a couple of mothers with their children play around, and then left. I finally found a package of jerky that was not more expensive than what I was willing to pay, at walmart, where else? I ate that all the way back to the house, so by the time I got home, I was quite full. On he way home, i weakened and cried over Tam once again. I talked to God for quite a while. We have an understanding of sorts. I really enjoyed the day, which is what I need to do, enjoy life, but I was sad that I enjoyed it alone, without Tam at my side. I did what I like to do, hike, picnic, and photography and while I will cherish the memories and learning about a new place, it just isn't the same without her. It was the kind of place she would have liked to see. Soon I will get the pictures edited and I will post a link to them for all to see.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." i have realized part of what i have been doing on this journey of discovery and growth is my stubbornness. she told me she just didnt see anything changing. wrong thing to say to me. part of me will grown and change and become a better human just because i was told i coudnt do it. but i have done it. only thing is i like it. i continue to work on it. my answer to that is: "whatever it takes" meaning, if it takes me being stubborn and told i cant change for me to change, then so be it. you know, if she really knew me, she would know that is the way to get what you want out of me. tell me i cant do it, and i will do it. i guess i learned more about myself than she did. i still love her

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." 2/7/04 3:14 PM I have spent the past 3 months writing about how much I love her, how much I miss her, etc. But it finally has come down to this. I love her, I want a life with her. She may or may not love me, but she does not want a life with me. Deal with it. Get over it. Move forward. I have no other choice anyways. Bethany cancelled going with me tomorrow, so I will go to my original destination, Ft. Boggy. Some time completely alone with my thoughts will be good for me. I purchased some hiking boots last night at Academy Sports. Paid $35 + $6 for some hiking socks. If I am going to do the things I enjoy doing, I need the things that will allow me to enjoy it. There are so many signs of new beginnings. I am in my final year of my 30's. Next Satuday will end 7 years since I met Dawn, so my bad luck is ending. I am starting a new life because of what Tam did. I have reinvented myself. So much to look forward to. I may be alone now, but I will be happy, to be otherwise is something I will not allow. On the way home this evening I thought about the sunday tam and i were supposed to go over to laura's for the first time and how i didn't go. i feel horrible, because i just realized i should have gone. no matter how upset i was about certain things i should have gone for my wife, if for no other reason. i should have supported her and stood beside her. i was so wrong to not go. i miss her. i want to make it up to her, but how? when she no longer wants me. how to make things up to someone that doesnt want them made up to? I thought i gave her alot, but now i realize i gave her almost nothing. but i have learned, learned so much.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." February 06, 2004 10:15 AM On my way to work this morning I was reflecting on what I had posted yesterday about Tam not truly knowing who I am or what I am about and how I can look at myself. And then it occurred to me to ask myself this question: "Would I want myself as a friend if I were someone else?" That is the question I want to ask daily, because if I can answer yes to it, then I think others will want me to be their friend also. Kris asked me if I would work for her this coming monday. Her husband is having surgery. I of course told her I did not see it being a problem. I will take off Wednesday instead. That way I have shorter a work week after that. It won't be so bad and it is not like it would be every week. Not a problem. I mentioned yesterday that sister has gotten a job. You know if things went the way the are supposed to go, in a couple of months she would move out into her own place if her job works out. I am not trying to get her out, but she is alot closer to being in an financial situation to get her own place again than I am. But if she did move out, I could have her room for the remaining time I will be with them. I am being delayed 2-4 months in getting my own place due to the fact I have to purchase a car (the buick from dad). If not for that reason, I would be able to get out in just a few more months. I am anxious to see if sister really tries to become independant and get her own place. Somehow I feel as long as I am there she will feel like she had a right to be there too. Time will tell. I have been following the tragic events that have been going on in Florida concerning the 11 year old girl that was abducted and subsequently found murdered. That is precisely the kind of thing that we had worried so much would happen or had happened to Jessica. We all love her so very much and she just could not see that things like that do happen. The girl was walking home in her own neighborhood from a slumber party and a horrible monster took her from her family. I am going to show this to Jessica in the hope that she wakes up and sees why we had rules and boundaries, why we worried so much about her. Even though I am far from my daughter at this time, at least I know she is still alive. I am very thankful for that and it reinforces my belief that Tina and I did the right thing having her sent to a hospital. I hope she is getting along well at the ranch. I am going to write a letter to Tina, I need to find out Jess's status and when I can send her letters and pictures. I hope they can access a computer so I can send cd's with pics burned on them. That will be the easiest thing to do. I just read something and I owe Tammi a massive apology. I just read that the recommended daily intake of calories for a woman is 1600, and for a man 2250. So her diet of 1500 calories a day was right in line with losing just a small bit of weight each week. I hope she can someday read this and forgive me. I was completely wrong and I wish back then I had done the kinds of things I do now, like find the answers instead of just opening my massive big mouth and sticking my foot right in it. I am depressed because this was a big issue between us and I was wrong, but I am proud of myself for doing what she said I coundn't do: change how I do things and how I react to things. These lessons have been at a tremendous price, but yet if I hadn't paid the price, I wouldn't be the person I am at this moment. And as I stated at the top of this entry, I want to be the kind of person that I would want for a friend. I have decided that next saturday is the end of my bad fortune. The reason for it being next saturday, is that is valentines day and it was exactly 7 years ago next sunday that I met dawn and everything went downhill from there. It was even the same day of the week, a sunday that we met. Everything goes in cycles and this is a 7 year cycle that is ending. It may be nothing more than in my mind, but mental walls can be the strongest ones of all to get through, over, or around. I begin a new life next sunday.

"things turn out best for those who make the best out of the way things turn out." I like this quote and it is what I have done. I am proud of myself and who I am, what I stand for and what I believe in.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." February 05, 2004 1:19 PM Over the past few weeks, I have begun to believe I am slipping away. That although my love is still there, my hopes, my dreams are dying. I want to remain ever hopeful, that if I wait just one more day, things will change. But they have not so far, and I have no indication or reason to believe otherwise. I think that is why lately I have been getting emotional about this again, because I feel my energy slipping away ever so slowly. More and more I find myself remembering the things we did together in a past tense, like a long ago memory. I still feel the pain and the joy, but in a different way. I am grasping, trying to keep what we had and the possibility of a reconciliation in the present, instead of letting it drift into the past, as a flower drifts down a slow moving river, farther and farther away. I said something yesterday that has made me stop and think some more. I had stated how I accepted Tam just as she was, and how I guess she could not accept me as I was. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized she really does not know who I truly am. If she did, she would have known that I would work to make the situations better, that I am not so shallow as to not look at myself and see what I can do to improve what was going on. She could not accept me as I am because she really does not know who I am or what I am about, how deep my passion and feelings for all those around me are. This helps me understand better how this happened, but it also saddens me that she did not truly look at who I am. Got an e-card last night from my friend in Ohio, Kathy, it was cute and again made me smile. Bethany called about 10pm and sang happy birthday again to me. Sister got a job!! Mom and Dad are taking her and I to dinner tonight as a double celebration, for my birthday and her going to work. We are going to eat at Cheddar's. I have not been there since last March when we had come back to Texas to get our stuff and we had dinner there with her dad and step-mother and my parents. How fast time flies, it is almost one year since we did that. I never would have imagined I would be back here going through all of this. But yet here I am. Just goes to show you should always prepare for the unexpected. Bethany and I are supposed to go to a state park in E. Texas this Sunday, just to hang out and take some pictures. I had picked a place southeast of dfw, but when I asked her to go, I changed it to a closer park because she cannot be gone all day long. It will be fun to get out of town and do something. I am going to Fort Boggy the following Sunday, my original destination. I also read about a steam train near Rusk and Palestine that I am going to check out in April, when the weather warms up a bit. Maybe Bethany or someone else will be able to go with me. I emailed Tina about Jessica a week ago and have not heard back, I am going to have to call and find out what is going on. I want to see my daughter, but I need Tina to keep me more informed about Jessica's status. Does not have to be an email or phone call, it can be just a regular letter sent by snail mail.

All of these and more....

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." its hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does. don`t waste your time on someone who isn`t willing to waste their time on you. no man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won`t make you cry. the worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can`t have them. you can fall in love in an instant its letting go that takes time. don't cry because it is over smile because it happened. i always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry. Got these off of another persons blog, but they somewhat express part of what I have been feeling. I miss you.

Today is my birthday!!!

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Wednesday, February 04, 2004 4:38 PM Bethany called and left me a message today at work. She sang me happy birthday. I smiled because someone in this world took a few moments out of their life to think of me, and let me know they were thinking of me. I can only hope you think of me from time to time also. You are on my mind constantly. I know that may not be a healthy thing, but what can I do? I love you and I miss you, I want so badly to work this out, I can't understand how you of all people can't feel what we had, how your feelings for me can just be silenced, shut away, gone? I didn't marry you for just "awhile" or a "few years", I married you for a lifetime. Have you been burned so bad by others that you could not/can not see that? What does it take for you to see what we had was something remarkable? That the way we loved each other is not something to just walk away from? I don't know, I am not willing to give up on you or us, it will take alot more than what has happened so far. Today's quote on "Today in History" is "No human creature can give orders to love". How appropiate for today, my birthday, when I am so far from the one that I love, who I want to love me again as you once did. I have no interest in you being "ordered" to love me. It has to come as easily as breathing air, as I stated in a previous entry. That does not mean a relationship does not take work, but when you love a person like that, it makes a person want to put in the work that the relationship requires for success. Maybe that is the problem, your love for me is not strong enough for you to want to put forth the effort needed to make the relationship succeed. I don't know. I will keep hoping. I ask myself from time to time, "Why do I try?" I mean, you said what you said, you released us from this relationship, so why try? And then, a moment after asking the question, I think about how you were when I would pick you up from work, or when we would meet at SouperSalad after work and eat together. I would remember what if felt like to have dinner waiting on you, or when we would spend a weekend at your mom's house. I could feel the joy I had when we would go somewhere together for the day. I could feel your arms around me telling me how much you love me or how I felt waking up beside you. This is why I keep trying, why I don't just give in and give up. Because you are worth me not giving up, not giving up believing in you and me and us. I was reading Dear Prudence tonight, and she finished up a response to someone by saying “When people do not exactly know what the words mean, they are, well, meaningless”. She was talking about the words “I Love You”. I know how strong my feelings for you have always been, but it was not until I left and have spent this time away that I have truly realized what the words mean. It is about unconditional love, about forgiveness, about accepting you exactly as you are. I guess it might not be the same for you, maybe you cannot, will not accept me just as I was, but I have chosen self-improvement, not in a hope to get you back, but because I lost you, and it has made me want to be all that I can be. I don’t know about a person changing, but I do believe that a person can learn new ways of doing things. I love you enough to let you go, to just be what I can be, and maybe someday you will want what I have to offer once again. The things you love about me have not left. I know what the words mean, but I cannot explain it completely in words.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Tuesday, February 03, 2004 12:10 PM You may be wondering why I keep trying, why I hold out hope for us. I can't explain it, but I just can't walk away from you and what we shared together. I truly believe that we were/are meant to be together. That how we interracted and the happiness we brought to each other is not something that just "happens" with any two people. I can't explain it and I surely don't understand it, all I do know is that I have no interest in being with anyone but you. The way you make me laugh, that is why I married you, for other reasons, but that was what put it over the top. I have never before, and I have not since I left, laughed the way you make me laugh. I miss that. I miss your smile, you have such a wonderful smile. The way your eyes lite up whenever you see me. All of these things, and so much more, is why I do not, can not, give up hope. I am like a prizefighter who goes into the fight knowing he will win. He knows he might lose, but he believes he will win. There is no doubt in his mind, no other option. So it is with my belief that we will be together again. I want to show you what it means to be committed to and supportive of a person when you love them unconditionally. I don't care if you have been with another man, you were the one that said last time that you no longer wanted the life we had, therefore we were free to do whatever we wanted. So I chose to support you and remain your husband. If you felt you needed the comfort of another man, maybe that is what you needed to see what we had is not so easy to replace. It is one thing to live as man and wife and one of them sleep with another, it is another thing to say it is over and then do it. Once you said what you said, you freed us to do as we wished. I made my choice and you have made whatever choices you did. I am not saying I am encouraging you to be with another man, but that if that is what you wanted at the time you did it, if you did it, and then you came to the conclusion that what we had was a pretty good thing, we could overcome it. I am not going to say it wouldn't hurt, I am saying we could overcome it. If 2 people truly love each other unconditionally, even if they do things that can hurt the other, once they both realize they were meant to be together, then together they can overcome anything. That is why I say it is unconditional love. I do not choose to love you, I just love you, as naturally as I breathe air. We can survive this, and be stronger than ever. You just have to believe.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I talked to Bethany this afternoon. I just wanted you to know, straight from me, that there is nothing going on between her and I. She is my friend and that is all. We support each other with the things going on in our lives. She has been sweet on this guy from her work, and he keeps telling her he wants to see her, but he has made her feel like she is not a big priority in his life. She is finally figuring out to not dwell on him and when he has time, he will call. I am trying to do that with you, not pressure you. I am aware that you may have moved on past me, but maybe not, or maybe your mind will change. I just know that I have to be what I want to be, your husband. I ran alot of errands today, deposit my check, got a haircut, got a library card. There are 3 things always on my mind, my daughter, my son, and last but most importantly, my wife. Everything else is secondary to that. I bought some more cologne at the dollar store yesterday. One of them is an imitation of Calvin Klein's Obsession, which has always been my favorite to for me to wear. I know you would love it. I am working hard to pay off my bills, I need to get the finances situated. I hope you are doing ok. I think often about your diet, I am so sorry you felt I was not supporting you, I was. I just did not show it very well. Is your sugar levels down? I have been dropping weight. I eat a well balanced, if boring, diet. Walmart brand grape nuts with a banana and milk for breakfast. For lunch I have a sandwich made of a wheat sub roll with turkey pastrami and smoked turkey and frito chips. Those are the cheapest deli meats at walmart. I finish lunch off with a pealed orange. dinner is usually whatever they have here at the house. Otherwise I will have a can of chile with chips or leftovers. same thing every day, but that is ok, doesn't cost much and is a fairly well balanced. I have been watching the weather up there. From what I have seen, it has been cold but clear. Up and down here, lately 50's for the high, mid-30's overnight. I should be getting some money soon for the suitcase that greyhound lost, i figure maybe a $100 or so. I don't know if you remeber or not, but my birthday is in 2 days, I will be 39. I sure miss you and will keep working towards being a good person. I love you.

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." "If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." this is why I remain ever hopeful, that you will want to be together once again with me. Because holding you again will be the sweetest thing I could ever again feel. Being without you reminds me of how much I want to be with you.

This one is for Tam...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I just needed to talk to you for a bit. I heard a song tonight before the super bowl and it expressed how I feel about you. It was titled "You life me up", and that is how i feel about you. Meeting you, it lifted me up, you gave me strength. When I would be getting stressed over things, you calmed me down. You made me feel so complete. My shortcomings were insignificant to you. You made me feel so good about the things I did for you. All I wanted was to make you happy, to do my best as a husband, a father to my child, and try to be a good example for you daughter. I was and still am proud to be your husband, I wanted the world to know you were my wife and how happy I was to be with you. I will never quite understand why you felt compelled to do this, to put us through this, but I absolutely support you in this. In my time with you, I have seen what a kind and loving heart you have and I truly believe you did what you thought you had to do for your own happiness, even if I think we could have and should have worked it out differently. I stand by your side even if you never change your mind, I will always love you. My love for you is unconditional and everlasting. You said you could not see things changing, but I have worked, not to change myself, because I think there is a difference between change and learning new ways. I have worked to learn new ways, I have thought of how I could have responded differently to the situations that had come up and caused this situation. I can only tell you that I am not the same man that you last saw, I am more mature and have a greater wisdom. You were the person that I chose to spend the rest of my life with and while that is still my greatest dream, it is out of my hands. I have chosen not to pressure you, to let God and fate lead me through life. I will only deal with things as they come up, and deal with them as best as I can. I no longer worry about what might come up, only react to things when they do come up. I have many times over the past few months read about how it isn't what happens to you that dictates the outcome, it is how you react to what comes your way. That is what I do now, you sent me away, so I choose my reaction, and after much shock and pain, I have searched my feelings and how I feel about you, and that is when I truly realized my love for you. I had a 2 choices, either reject you with negativety and anger, or support you and be positive. I chose to be positive. This does not mean we will work this out, and I am fully aware of that, but I feel to be negative is to set a tone for my life that I don't want. I want to hold my head high and say I did my best, because if I choose to do that, then maybe someday you will see what I have done, how I truly am, how deep my love for you is, and you will want to feel that again. Until I have something that says I am not your husband, I am your husband and will be what a husband should be, loving, faithful, supportive, caring. I only hope somehow that you will someday realize this and will accept me back into your life. I have always felt that if I do good things, good things will happen, and to this day I still believe that. I love you, I miss you, I have faith in you, I believe in you. You are the best and you are the only one for me. I will survive, I will live my life as full as I can, I will live as long as God has planned for me to live, but the richness you brought me will be missing.