"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." it has been awhile since i have posted here because of all the feelings surrounding tam's emails. she came clean about the lesbian stuff. i knew she wasnt a lesbian, we watched madonna kiss britney and it nearly made her throw up. i do believe she has cancer and once again, it pisses me off that she was so bubba and immature to end our marriage instead of communicating with me and therefore i am not there to take care of her. if she is fucking some dude, well, he will find out about her non-confrontation ways. who knows, maybe she will listen to what i say and use it with the next dude. too bad she can't see the big picture. i know, i didnt communicate very well, but what started out as me trying to communicate ended badly because she didn,t back with me. too bad. she says we are just two people that came to want different things. bullshit. it doesnt matter what you want as long as you want each other. anything else is workable, can be compromised on. what is with her worrying about whether i have "moved on" with my life or not. i am moving on. i can miss her and profess my love for her. does she mean why i haven't gotten a fuck buddy yet? i guess she really never truly loved me or she would know it is not that easy to just forget about someone. it is supposed to be my job to care for her. is she trying to be a "hero", saying i dont want you meaning i want you to be happy and you can't be happy taking care of a cancer patient? bullshit. she might die, i dont know the extent of her cancer, and she wants to take whatever time i have left to be with her away from me? crap, again. we made love 4 days before she did this. you dont fall out of love in 4 days, or 4 months, not when you love the way i love. i have a job, i pay my bills, i am working towards getting out of here and on my own. what part of moving on is not in that? she wants me to forget her? forget all we shared? not done so easy. i am moving on, in my own way and in my own time. if this is what she wants, who am i to try to stop her? can't make someone be with you if they dont want to, no matter their reasons. i only wish someone would reason with her. if she ever grows up and looks at herself in the mirror (something i do everyday), she will know just how childish she was not only this past week, but since october the 8th. i did something the other day, part of my growth. i looked in the mirror and changed another thing about me. i used to tell people about how i try to live. how i dont lie, cheat, or steal. well that is not true. i tell little white lies from time to time. i cheat on my booking at work sometimes, nothing that is wrong, but i don't do it to my usual standards, and i print personal things on the work printer with work paper, which is stealing. so i no longer claim those three things. what i do claim now is i try to live an honorable life. i am not perfect, i do things, i sin. i pray for forgiveness and i try to learn. a quote from Jesus: give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime. i have now started applying that to life. i know how to talk, so i can have a conversation, but i want and am trying to learn to COMMUNICATE, and i will be understood and i will understand. i hope that makes sense. God has a reason for all He has done and all He will do. maybe my reason for knowing tam is she will learn some things from me for her path in life, and i will learn some things from her for my path. but i will always wonder why those paths have to go in different directions, why can't the continue on one path? even if i go on to have a beautiful relationship with another woman, i will still always ask that question. life is short, and i dont want to live it unhappy, but happiness, and unhappiness, comes from within. saying we wanted different things is a cop-out. because if we want each other, then we will want the same things, we will communicate our needs and wants, and negotiate mutually acceptable compromises. she never even told me what she wanted, so how would she know we have different wants? go figure. i love her.

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