"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." February 06, 2004 10:15 AM On my way to work this morning I was reflecting on what I had posted yesterday about Tam not truly knowing who I am or what I am about and how I can look at myself. And then it occurred to me to ask myself this question: "Would I want myself as a friend if I were someone else?" That is the question I want to ask daily, because if I can answer yes to it, then I think others will want me to be their friend also. Kris asked me if I would work for her this coming monday. Her husband is having surgery. I of course told her I did not see it being a problem. I will take off Wednesday instead. That way I have shorter a work week after that. It won't be so bad and it is not like it would be every week. Not a problem. I mentioned yesterday that sister has gotten a job. You know if things went the way the are supposed to go, in a couple of months she would move out into her own place if her job works out. I am not trying to get her out, but she is alot closer to being in an financial situation to get her own place again than I am. But if she did move out, I could have her room for the remaining time I will be with them. I am being delayed 2-4 months in getting my own place due to the fact I have to purchase a car (the buick from dad). If not for that reason, I would be able to get out in just a few more months. I am anxious to see if sister really tries to become independant and get her own place. Somehow I feel as long as I am there she will feel like she had a right to be there too. Time will tell. I have been following the tragic events that have been going on in Florida concerning the 11 year old girl that was abducted and subsequently found murdered. That is precisely the kind of thing that we had worried so much would happen or had happened to Jessica. We all love her so very much and she just could not see that things like that do happen. The girl was walking home in her own neighborhood from a slumber party and a horrible monster took her from her family. I am going to show this to Jessica in the hope that she wakes up and sees why we had rules and boundaries, why we worried so much about her. Even though I am far from my daughter at this time, at least I know she is still alive. I am very thankful for that and it reinforces my belief that Tina and I did the right thing having her sent to a hospital. I hope she is getting along well at the ranch. I am going to write a letter to Tina, I need to find out Jess's status and when I can send her letters and pictures. I hope they can access a computer so I can send cd's with pics burned on them. That will be the easiest thing to do. I just read something and I owe Tammi a massive apology. I just read that the recommended daily intake of calories for a woman is 1600, and for a man 2250. So her diet of 1500 calories a day was right in line with losing just a small bit of weight each week. I hope she can someday read this and forgive me. I was completely wrong and I wish back then I had done the kinds of things I do now, like find the answers instead of just opening my massive big mouth and sticking my foot right in it. I am depressed because this was a big issue between us and I was wrong, but I am proud of myself for doing what she said I coundn't do: change how I do things and how I react to things. These lessons have been at a tremendous price, but yet if I hadn't paid the price, I wouldn't be the person I am at this moment. And as I stated at the top of this entry, I want to be the kind of person that I would want for a friend. I have decided that next saturday is the end of my bad fortune. The reason for it being next saturday, is that is valentines day and it was exactly 7 years ago next sunday that I met dawn and everything went downhill from there. It was even the same day of the week, a sunday that we met. Everything goes in cycles and this is a 7 year cycle that is ending. It may be nothing more than in my mind, but mental walls can be the strongest ones of all to get through, over, or around. I begin a new life next sunday.

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