"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." February 05, 2004 1:19 PM Over the past few weeks, I have begun to believe I am slipping away. That although my love is still there, my hopes, my dreams are dying. I want to remain ever hopeful, that if I wait just one more day, things will change. But they have not so far, and I have no indication or reason to believe otherwise. I think that is why lately I have been getting emotional about this again, because I feel my energy slipping away ever so slowly. More and more I find myself remembering the things we did together in a past tense, like a long ago memory. I still feel the pain and the joy, but in a different way. I am grasping, trying to keep what we had and the possibility of a reconciliation in the present, instead of letting it drift into the past, as a flower drifts down a slow moving river, farther and farther away. I said something yesterday that has made me stop and think some more. I had stated how I accepted Tam just as she was, and how I guess she could not accept me as I was. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized she really does not know who I truly am. If she did, she would have known that I would work to make the situations better, that I am not so shallow as to not look at myself and see what I can do to improve what was going on. She could not accept me as I am because she really does not know who I am or what I am about, how deep my passion and feelings for all those around me are. This helps me understand better how this happened, but it also saddens me that she did not truly look at who I am. Got an e-card last night from my friend in Ohio, Kathy, it was cute and again made me smile. Bethany called about 10pm and sang happy birthday again to me. Sister got a job!! Mom and Dad are taking her and I to dinner tonight as a double celebration, for my birthday and her going to work. We are going to eat at Cheddar's. I have not been there since last March when we had come back to Texas to get our stuff and we had dinner there with her dad and step-mother and my parents. How fast time flies, it is almost one year since we did that. I never would have imagined I would be back here going through all of this. But yet here I am. Just goes to show you should always prepare for the unexpected. Bethany and I are supposed to go to a state park in E. Texas this Sunday, just to hang out and take some pictures. I had picked a place southeast of dfw, but when I asked her to go, I changed it to a closer park because she cannot be gone all day long. It will be fun to get out of town and do something. I am going to Fort Boggy the following Sunday, my original destination. I also read about a steam train near Rusk and Palestine that I am going to check out in April, when the weather warms up a bit. Maybe Bethany or someone else will be able to go with me. I emailed Tina about Jessica a week ago and have not heard back, I am going to have to call and find out what is going on. I want to see my daughter, but I need Tina to keep me more informed about Jessica's status. Does not have to be an email or phone call, it can be just a regular letter sent by snail mail.

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