"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you."Saturday, 1.10.2004 I cannot explain it, but today I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off my chest. I think it is because I have realized just how much I love Tammi. I told Bethany all about her, sent the link to my journal for Bethany to read. Having done that has brought a peace of mind to me. I have never doubted my love for Tammi, but now it is even stronger than ever. I have come to realize that life threw me another hard punch and I have survived once again. I am going to be ok. I have learned a lot in the past few months. Things about me, both good and bad, things I need to d and things I need to stop doing. I have learned that it is not where you live but what you do and who you do it with that matters. I love to go to festivals and picnics. And I don’t need to live in the Black Hills to do these things. When I was 7 years old, I was hit in the face with a baseball bat, and I did not fall. I stayed on my feet and survived. Well, this has been like that. I took another of life’s best shots and I survived. Dawn’s leaving was a short and I survived. This has been a bigger shot, but I have also survived. I have confidence in myself that I can handle whatever life throws my way. It might hurt, it might stagger me where I don’t think clearly for a while but eventually I gain my balance. I have been a big fan of the movie “ It’s a Wonderful Life” with Jimmy Stewart for a long time. I have always felt I was put on this planet for something big, something good. But as I have aged and with the theme of this movie in mind, it may not be something I do, but rather somehow I touch someone in some small way and they go on to do something big, wonderful. Just as Jimmy Stewart’s character saved his brother as a kid, and then the brother saved a ship full of sailors later in the war, it may be some very small things, but somehow it leads that person or allows that person to do something very big. It may be one of my children, or a stepchild of mine, or someone else that has not even been born yet, but somehow, someway, I will do something that will affect the outcome of another in a very good and positive way. Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything happening. I do not need to know all the reasons why things happen, just learn form the things that happen. I used to not put faith in things, but needed to know what and why things were happening. Now I just rely on my faith that they happen for the right reasons. And when things do happen, learn from them. Not all things seem to turn out as we want them to, but if we look hard enough, there are good reasons for to happen. It is all about turning negatives into positives, problems into opportunities. I did not move back to be closer to mom and dad, I was content to live wherever my wife lived. But because of her need to be alone for a period of time, I used it as an opportunity to be closer to my parents. They will not live forever and I need to be grateful for whatever time I can spend with them. I refuse to be down about all of this. If time is what tam needed then I am going to be positive about it and know that she is better for this. I miss her and I will always remain hopeful that once she “heals”, she will realize we could have a stronger and better marriage. And again that would be a positive outcome for all of this. I am a better person for knowing her and a better person for having gone through this. Instead of being angry at her for doing this I am thanking her for it. I could not have grown as a man and a person otherwise. Of course it has hurt, but because of the hurt, I have grown, I have become stronger. Just as a scar heals into tougher skin, I have become stronger. A few months ago as this was unfolding, I wrote about the strong and the weak ones. I have emerged a stronger person. It took a lot of strength for Tam to do what she did. I only hope she has as much strength to try again with me. I love her enough to grow from this. I believe in my heart she loves me enough to not let our chance at having an even better marriage slip away. We are meant for each other and there is nothing or no one that can ever change my mind on that.

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