"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." 1.20.2004 4:54:12 PM i have written it here many times over the past few months about how i wish tam had done this or that different, how we should have communicated better, blah blah blah. and that is just what it was, alot of talk. i have discovered through much soul searching that for me and what i needed to learn, it had nothing at all to do with tam. for each of us it has to do with what we need to learn, what we could have done differnently, not what we think someone else should have done. knowing now what i wished i had known then, it would not have been about tam doing something differently, it would have been about me knowing how she is and me acting upon it differently. knowing she is the type to keep things inside, i should have used a better tact to get my point across. this is about me because all any of us can do is react to situations and how we react is what determines the outcome. the only place i can lay blame for my situation i am in is with me. it makes no difference what tam could or should have done differently the only thing that matters to me is how i could have done things differently. only tam can choose to do things differently for her. she could say to herself the same things i am saying to myself, but that is for her to do, not for me to expect her to do. we can only hold ourselves accountable for our actions and the consequences of those actions. i can only hope that someday i have the chance to discuss these things with her and that she will see that i am learning, that i am detemined to be the husband i can be. 5:26:46 PM monday's. they are so depressing because i have so much time to just think and wonder, to hope and to cry. i really believed once i was working and i got my camera i would not hurt so much. i would be going forward with my life,and doing things i enjoy. but it has been just the opposite. i hurt even more. i am moving forward, but without her. i am doing things, but without her. i feel her so close to me, tam is all around me. everywhere i go, she is there. when i am shopping for groceries at walmart, she is there. when i have lunch at the park, she is with me. i go to the thrift stores to look for ties to wear to work, and i see her across the store, just as i did in RC. i take this as a positive thing, it has shown me the true depth of my feelings for her. yet it hurts like i have never hurt before because of the depth of my love for her. i feel so helpless about everything and yet i know that if i keep trying, keep learning, keep my faith in her, in myself, and in GOD, somehow everything will work out. maybe it won't workout how i wish it to at this moment, but it will work out. but i do wish it to be with her. my time with tam has been the best time of my life and i am not ready or willing to let go of that yet. the only way i know to do this is to keep being her husband, to support her in her decision to be alone, to show her what it truly means to be a husband. alton had the silver tongue that talked her repeatedly into trying again. all i have is my strength of character and my faith that if you do good things, good things will happen. so that is what i do, i work, i take care of business and i keep being a faithful husband, father, and son to those around me.