"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Saturday, January 31, 2004 3:05 PM Have you ever wanted something so bad you could just taste it? Remember when you were a kid and Christmas was coming up or your birthday and you wanted that new bike and your Dad just kept telling you not to count on it? But you just knew you were going to get it, you were so positive, but yet, in the back of your mind there was a little doubt? What if he is telling the truth and you are not going to get it? That is how I feel right now. I want to continue my marriage to Tam so bad I can taste it, I can feel it. Yet, I hear nothing from her so I work to convince myself that it is over, but again there is that small doubt, that since I don't hear from her, that maybe, just maybe there is hope. But I don't dare have hope because to have hope only to be shot down would be too devastating. I continually run images of our day long garage sale adventure through my mind as it was one of the most wonderful days I have ever experienced. And then I run images of her in Ben Franklin, holding another man's hand, her kissing another man, making love to another man the way we did. Of course these are things I don't want to imagine, but I do in an attempt to numb myself to the hurt I still feel, to get used to the idea of not being with her. It is hard, very hard to accept these things and I truly hope they are not true, but who is to say. The thought of another man touching my wife hurts so bad, because he would be enjoying feelings and emotions that are supposed to belong to me, to me alone, things that I did get to experience once upon a time and that I dream of having again. Every time I think I have moved past her, I realize I am not even close to being past her. I am ablet to delude myself for awhile, but then my feelings for her come back, and not only do they come back but they come back stronger than ever before. I knew I loved Tam an incredible amount, but I have even surprised myself at how deep my feelings for her are. As I relive events from my life with her, things we did together and how we played together, I have truly convinced myself that there never can be another person for me, that no one could be as perfectly matched for me as Tam is/was.

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