"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Thursday, January 29, 2004 10:46 AM Numbers.... 215 days until September 1 (projected move in date to my own place) 96 days since I left RC 113 days since Tam told me she no longer wanted to be my wife 108 days to our 2nd anniversary (if we are still married by then) 6 days until my 39th birthday 42 days since I started work for Don Davis Nissan A lifetime to think about what could have been.... 3:37 PM I have been repeating to myself that she does not want to be with me, that what we had no longer means anything to her. Over and over, because I have to get myself used to this. I have to get past it and somehow accepting the fact that it is over, that no matter how bad I want it or how hard I work, it will not change. I will never figure it out, but maybe that is the point, some things were not meant to be figured out. They just have to be accepted and dealt with so we can move forward. That is what mother says about things, "just deal with it", and of course her favorite, "whatever!". I am dealing with it as best as I can and if that is what she wants, then my answer is "whatever!", because I have tried so hard. I guess that is the lesson I should learn, don't try so hard, but that is my nature, to try to do everything I can, the best way I can, for those around me. 4:38 PM Today I did something that I have been working on for 6 years. Instead of being hard-headed and thinking I knew the answer to a question one of my tech's asked me, I called the warranty call center and found the correct answer without having to guess. I do not have all the answers in life, I just know how to find them. By not being afraid to ask someone. There is a big difference between thinking you know all the answers and knowing you can FIND all the answers. I will apply this and keep trying to find the answer as to how I keep ending up in these situations. I want to know, because I am tired of being hurt by those that tell me theY love me, only to discover that they don't. If someone loves me, say so, if they don't, then don't tell me they do. Be sure of their feelings, because you know, they are playing with someone else's life when theY don't make sure, when they give up, walk away without a fight. I had prayed for God to bring me someone like Bethany, and I though He had when Tam came along, but it seems like in the end He brought me someone like Dawn instead. I am sure there are those out there that get tired of me saying she is comparing me to Alton, but if I am another Alton, can't she be another Dawn? I want the woman I met, not the one I left, is that too much to ask for? 5:23 PM Why do things have to be so difficult? How can people just "forget" or "change their minds" so quickly? If you tell someone you love them, and make love to them like you love them, then how can you tell them 4 days later you don't? Where is the justice and truth in that? Why must I keep going through these things? How can she not miss what we had together? How can she not see that what we shared, how we interacted and fit together isn't something to be taken lightly? Maybe it is just me thinking I was something special, that how I felt for her and how I cared for her isn't as big of a deal as I think it is? Maybe I am just fooling myself thinking that if I work hard and do the right thing for those I love, they will appreciate it? Obviously something I am doing is wrong, or I would not keep going through these things. I am more than ever of the belief that I am not "marriage" material. That I know how to do too much or that I try too hard, if there is such a thing. I am so confused. I try hard, I want to do the right things, I take how my partner feels into consideration, I read all the magazines, do all the things a good husband is supposed to do, and yet I end up alone. It is so screwed up, loving someone that does not love you in return. It is one thing to have a teenage crush on someone and they just don't feel the same way back, but love someone and to have been loved by them, that is weird. I had believed that if I got angry enough at her for doing this, then it would cover up the pain, but that just has not happened. Every time I start to feel anger, it goes away, because I am who I am, and I know how she is, so I support her and wait for her. Yet I hurt because I have not gotten anything to give me hope for us. I just stay faithful to her and to my beliefs and content in the knowledge that everything will work out for the best, no matter what comes to be. It is all I can do, even when I cannot see the results of my prayers and efforts.