"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." I am hurting so much. I really thought I might have passed this stage, but not yet, not for a long time. I went to the mall today, to go and see the camera I am about to purchase, to hold it and see if it really is what I want. It is, but it hurt so much to walk through the mall, to remember all the times we had walked through that very mall, loving each other. I want to be loved, but not by anyone other than Tam. I have been telling myself that I must go to these places, the mall, picnics, etc. to face the pain that comes with doing the things I loved so much doing with her. I still believe I must do this, if I am to overcome the hurt, to move forward. But it is much, much more difficult than I had imagined. It has been 3 months tonight since we last made love, and I am nowheres near healing from what she has done. I have put so much thought into what happened, why it happened, what could have been done different, and what would be done different if given the chance. And through all the hurt, the understanding, the learning one thing keeps coming through loud and clear: there is no other person on this planet that ever did nor ever could again make me feel the way she has made me feel. If I never see her again, never hold her again, never get to tell her how much I love her, twenty years from now I will look back and still feel the passion, the love, and the pain. None of it will ever go away, I will only learn to live with it, as a person learns to live with an amputated arm or leg. You adapt, learn how to the same things you always did, but in new and different ways, you overcome. But you never forget. When the time comes to return to RC for my things, it will be a difficult thing. I have decided it is something I have to do alone. To me, it is like going through your spouses things right after the funeral to bury your spouse. Something you must do, but comes with immense pain and anguish. I must return for my things, but it is going to a place where I was happier than at any time in my life, and where the single most painful event of my life occurred. I will stay focused by doing my hobby, photographing my life and the events that come to pass in it, writing about those events, and remembering what it was like to love someone that loved you in return. I HURT!!! I MISS HER!!!! I LOVE HER!!!! I WANT HER BACK!!!! BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX THIS!!!! HOW DO I FIX THIS!!!!??? WHAT MAGIC DO OTHERS HAVE THAT THEIR RELATIONSHIPS GET ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY!!!???

No comments: