Today's thoughts...

"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." 1.28.2004 10:55:58 AM "Do you forsake all others, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?.......have not changed my mind, and I no longer want the life we had".......words I keep repeating to myself because if I hear them enough, feel the pain caused by these words enough, I will eventually become numb to the pain. I am sorry she felt/feels this way because I do want the life we had, more than ever, it was the kind of life I truly was enjoying. I have never been happier than when we would go feed the geese at the park, or roast chicken and potatoes at Sylvan Lake or breakfast at Mt. Rushmore. These are the things I want to do, this is the life I want to have. It was perfect. None of the issues about our girls were too big to not be overcome. I am sorry Tam, for whatever reason, could not understand or realize this. I am so hurt that she was not strong enough to stand up for us and what we had and were building together. I no longer wish to hurt over this matter. I have worked hard to understand my part in this and it hurts that she could not, would not, love me enough to do the same. To just give up, where is the peace in that. I think it will torment her for years to come, not because of what she had, but what she could have had. What we shared together is not as easy to come by as many people think. Life is short and fleeting, and to find your souldmate, your perfect partner, is not an easy thing to do. I do believe she made a mistake giving me up, and I have done my best to understand it, to support her in it. But she was wrong, I did support her, but I also know I did not show it very well. I have learned quite alot about myself and how others see me and I realize the things I need to work on to be better understood. I am so sorry Jessica threatened her, but I am so much more sorry that Tam did not see the support I did give her. My daughter has been committed because of her problems and when we were supposed to have family counseling, Tam did not take part in it. she was supposed to be as outspoken as the rest of us, but she wasn't. It is too bad she did not believe enough in me to not let her be in harms way. What it comes down to is, I chose my wife above all others, I followed my vows, and she did not. She ran away and that is the way it is and there is nothing I can do about it. I am strong, I have had to be, but Tam was not and I am not sure I want to be with someone that is not strong enough to stand up for me, to put me above all others as a spouse should be. I want to be married to someone that holds our union above all others, that will work and sweat for me as much as I will for them. I am passionate about my love for Tam but until she realizes that rule is the most important one in a marriage, a marriage is doomed. She said she was tired of hearing Laura this and Laura that, but did she ever take the time to truly ask me what my issues were? I can't remember anymore but I don't think so. I was allowed to stew. It should not have mattered. If I had a problem with something she should have stuck up for me, and then, behind closed doors we could have talked about it. I have no idea about Laura's attitude now, but Tam knows that Laura arrived in RC with a bad attitude. I talked with someone I work with yesterday, she has a 19 yr old stepson, and she had nearly the same issue as far as the bedroom mess goes. and she does the same thing I did, she told the parent (her husband) how she felt and left it up to him to handle it. Except he did handle it, and that is where I was left out, where I was 2nd place in Tam's life. If she was handling my complaints, she did not keep me informed as to what she was doing. that was a mistake. because if i am aware of what she is doing, I won't feel left out, feel unsupported. and second, whatever she was doing, wasn't working. I agree I could have handled alot of things differently and I wish I would have, but I still always put my wife first. I will not be married to someone and be 2nd in their lives. If she does not/ did not love me enough for me to be first, then I was not right for her. I guess because she put Alton 1st and he turned out to be a bad guy, she decided she would never do that again, but I am not Alton, and I do care and love her. I supported her with her diet, i cut the stuff up, told her to tell me what she could have and how much, cooked it for her, shopped for the right things for her. i just was a little too emotional in my disagreement about how much they were allowing her to eat. I have learned through my experience of being here with mom and dad that many times things i say that i feel are coming out in a joking, or just a statement way, in fact come out sounding very sarcastic. I have learned to listen to myself. mom and i have started pointing out things we say to each other and how we really sound vs. what we are actually saying. it has been very enlightening for me, because for years i could not understand why people took things the wrong way. now i did learn alot from the counseling after my marriage to dawn, but it was not enough, i have learned so much more. i had learned how to go slow, pick my words carefully, but with those around me, those i loved, i did not do that. i assumed they just knew the meaning of what i was saying because they knew me. i was wrong. if someone can't love me enough to work things out with me, love me enough to want what we had shared together, to continue building the life we were building, then i don't want to be with them either. life is a journey, and not an easy one at that. it takes work and dedication, something that i understand and others apparently do not. i want tam to get pissed off, at me, at laura, at jessica, at anyone and everyone that she needs to be pissed off at to get her to understand all of this. she told me she felt like she had wasted 2 years of my life. well, i agree she did that if she knew she could not put me first in her life. but i also believe all things happen for a reason and i have no regrets about being with her or moving to RC. I liked who I was and I like who I have become even more, so it was not wasted, at least not for me. and maybe someday she will realize just how good we had it and she too will realize it was not a wasted time. I want the life I had with her, and i want it back. i want to be her husband and i want to be 1st in her life. it is easy to understand, because when we die, who are we buried next to? not our children or our parents, but our spouses, the ones we built a life with. i wanted to rest for eternity next to tam. but we don't always get what we want in life, do we? all i want now is peace of mind, that i have done my best, that i have done the right things, and i will let fate take care of the rest. i need some guidance right now, because she does not communicate with me, i don't know whether to just let go and give up or to hang on and keep hoping for that which may never come. i don't want to put limitations on her or me, but i don't want to hurt anymore. I want the life i had, and I want it with Tammi, but if that is not my fate, I will have the life anyways somehow, someway. I just want someone that is strong enough to love me enough to put me first and foremost, to forsake all others, in sickness and in health, till death us do part. Otherwise, I would rather just enjoy life alone, without the pain of losing someone I love so dearly, as I love Tammi. 4:19:28 PM I read the following passage on a poster here at work today and it really hit home. Confidence: It's the path to peace of mind I know in my heart I have done all I can do. I am confident of that fact and I am beginning to have peace of mind about all of this. I know what my part has been in all of this and I have done my part. I can go on with peace of mind because of this confidence. 9:30 pm On my way home tonight I decided how, in a nutshell, I truly feel about the whole situation. I summed it like this: Tammi did not put me first, above all others, as I felt I did with her. Others may disagree, but this is how I feel. I do not want to be with someone that does not put me first, because that is no way to have a marriage. I love her and she will be missed more than I can ever put into words, but if she did/does not love me enough for me to be number one, then this is the right thing for her to do. It just hurts because I thought I was number one.

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