"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." Thursday, January 22, 2004 10:47:13 AM providers vs. nurturers. this has been a philosophy discussed since the time of adam and eve. the roles of the two sexes in the boundaries of a relationship and family. and i tend to agree with this assesment. i am a provider. when i was married to tina, i provided the means for a place to live and food on the table. and i thought that was enougha and what i was supposed to do. but i didnt really provide much in the way of nurturing support for tina. when it was just jess and me, i provided a home and food on the table again for my daughter. but even though i was involved in her school and extra-curricular activities, i was not much of a nurturer again. with dawn, we both had been the providers for a long time for our children and therefore when it came to the providing role, we butted heads and things just did not work out. same with bethany and i, we both wanted the same roles. and i find myself once again being the provider with tam. i figured this all out recently when i was daydreaming about her and i rebuilding our marriage and i discovered that all the things i was thinking about had to do with where we would live, how we would go about finding places to live,etc. and i realized i was "providing" for us. i am a very sensitive and caring person, but i now believe i just don't know how to be a "nurturing" person, something i need and want to learn to be better at so i can better communicate with those around me. 3:33:48 PM bethany asked me last night how does a person know when a relationship is over, how do you know when to just give up and stop trying. i told her i don't know, just somehow at some point your mind shifts from wanting the relationship in the present to accepting it as part of your past. for me that occurred with dawn when in jan of 1998 i wrote her a letter asking her one last time to reconsider what she was doing and attempt to fix our marriage. i never received an answer so a few weeks after sending the letter something just clicked in my mind and i knew it was over, that i no longer wanted a relationship with her. i had worked so hard to do what she had asked so we could work out our marriage and she still did not want it. it was her loss i feel as i became a better person and i had so much love to give her. although i have not reached that point yet as i still have hope, i do feel that tam is passing on a wonderful thing also. i dont know, maybe she is happier than she has ever been before in her life and if so, i am happy for her. but at some point she has to realize all the joy we had together, going to garage sales and picnics, etc. all the times she told me how she had a such a good day with me. all the times she hugged me and smiled at me when she saw me. those sort of feelings just dont go away, unless she truly never felt them in the first place and i don't buy that one bit. but if she can't see what kind of man i truly am after all that has happened, how i have worked so hard to learn things that i needed to know and how to better get along with others, how to communicate in a much more positive way and i am still here, supporting her because of the depth of my love for her, then maybe she does not deserve me. how can she love me the way she did, make love to me the way she did and not still feel something for me. i can accept her needing some time alone, i can relate to that and i support her in that, but at the end of that time, how can she not decide we were good together, that what we had is worth fighting for. i know the fight was gone in her because of the drain alton put on her, that is why i can support and give her the time she needs right now, but at what point is she "recharged" and ready to continue our marriage? how can she not want to continue our marriage after all the joy we had together? if tam finds someone she is happier with than me, more power to her, but what i do beleive is she will not find someone that works harder to make her happy than i do. and it is wrong to believe that you should NOT have to work at happiness. a successful relationship doesn't just "happen" it is earned and worked for. and in my book a successful relationship means you are happy. just because i was happy with tam does not mean i did not need to continue to work harder for myself as a person and for us as a couple. i continue that work because somehow, some way, i will be rewarded for it, but at this time i just don't know how i will be rewarded. it is said no good deed goes unrewarded, so i will continue to work, to learn, to grow, to do what was said could not be done. i am not only caring and sensitive, but i am also very stubborn and dont quit or give up very easy. i just hope at some point she will remember all these and the other qualities that caused her to fall in love with me.