"Do whatever it takes to be happy, for it is hard to know what life will bring you." January 27, 2004 12:26:30 PM "There are periods when the principles of experience need to be modified, when hope and trust and instinct claim a share with prudence in the guidance of affairs, when, in truth, to dare is the highest wisdom." - William Ellery Channing, American clergyman (1780-1842). I cannot help it but hope for the kind ending I dream about, that if I trust in my instinct it will help guide the affairs of my life, so that she will dare to love me once again. 03:16:12 PM I am a very confused person. The harder I try to do the right thing, to help those around me, the more I get hurt and my intentions are taken wrongly. As hard as it is for me, I must stop trying to please those around me because it just gets me deeper and deeper into trouble. Sunday, I wanted to pull everything out from the living room window, clean and vacuum, and then put the table back and better organize the remainder items. Mom and I went to Walmart and purchased 2 tubs each to organize things. Dad through a fit, why am I trying to change how they do things? Heck, I wasn't changing anything, all I wanted to do was help clean their house and make things better for them. I am working as hard as I can to be invisible there, to not affect how they live their lives. But sometimes they still get cranky and I have no choice but to take it and deal with it. I have no place to go right now, so that is what I do. Oh well, I am building character, something I need as much of as I can get, or so it seems. On a different note, Bethany is dealing with her boyfriend. He still goes without calling her or making definate plans on seeing her. She does not want to be "hidden" from his ex anymore and I do not blame her. If he cannot give her the time and consideration she needs right now, maybe they just need to back off until he can. I never want to have that kind of relationship, it isn't right or fair. I tell her how Tam and I both got cell phones so we could talk to each other because we worked so much we never got see each other. I miss those days, because no matter what, we somehow made time to be with each other, to stay "connected". If the guy really is serious about her, he will call her, he has a cell phone. And he will get his things out of the ex's place so he does not have to hide Bethany anymore. Not a very good way to start a relationship. In the next 2-3 weeks I am going to attempt to purchase an annual pass to the Texas State Parks so I will be ready to go on my weekly picnics. I think it will be very good for me to just sit at a picnic table and watch what is going on around me, walk around and take some pics and just relax in the outdoors. There are literally hundreds of state parks within a 1-3 hours drive from here, so there will be no shortage of places for me to visit over the next few years. I have a feeling that some weekends I will just go to Joe Pool Lake and relax for a few hours, but I also want to go to parks I have never been too, especially in East Texas where there will be an abunndance of animal and plant life. These past 3+ months have been a real struggle, but I am glad I have gone through this. I have improved my character and personality. I have no regrets about moving to RC because without having done that, I would not be who I am at this moment. I will continue to work on my feelings towards Tam. I love her, always will, but it is hard to let go. Since the last I heard from her was she no longer wanted the life we had, I have no choice but to believe that is still how she feels. I am sure she would let me know if her feelings had changed. We just never know who or what will shape us into the people we are, but I am fortunate to have known her and become who I am. I will always be grateful for what she has taught me, it is just too bad that she does not want to share in it. "To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead." - Bertrand Russell, British philosopher (1872-1970). I had to put this in, it is a good quote and it is how I too feel, I do not fear my love for Tam, even if it does mean spending my remaining lifetime without her, because I have learned so much having and continueing to love her. Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember." - Oscar Levant, pianist-composer-actor (1906-1972). If this is true, I would have to say I am happy, because I remember what it was like to be with Tam, and it was something wonderful.

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